Hey again Ellie;
Your explanation gave me a really good overview to understand you better. I'm really very sorry you've carried this with you for so long.
There are a couple of things I'd like to discuss.
Firstly, the 'brain' is at the core of our being. Every thought, action and word 'gets in' so to speak. When we're young we don't have the knowledge or lived experience to filter out the nonsense. So we take it as we see or experience it; in silence usually due to lack of skill communicating.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is the relationship between our brain and body. Our body has a primal process for sexual pleasure, just like dealing with hunger or defending ourselves; it's a survival instinct.
Without pleasure, we wouldn't procreate. Our bodies don't need the conscious brain to respond sexually as it's programmed into our human nature.
An example of this is when a child is raped, they disassociate from their mind because it's too traumatic, but may experience sexual pleasure in their body. You can imagine the confusion this creates.
The rational mind will try to make sense of this 'intellectually'. Shame, self blame, skewed beliefs and PTSD are usually the outcomes. That's why early intervention is paramount.
So you see, the brain/body connection is too complex and primal a mechanism for little minds to comprehend.
I'm thinking the best form of therapy for you might be to visit a sex therapist. I saw one for a while and it helped immensely. My issues were different to yours, but the skill of my counsellor helped me understand I'm normal under the circumstances. (Yes, the little girl above was me)
Sessions with your therapist will be about retraining your body to respond as it's supposed to by working on your beliefs etc.
If you find one that has a degree, it can make visits cheaper thru Medicare rebates by including them in a Mental Health Care Plan created by your GP.
My sex therapist was a counsellor so I paid full price. But don't let this put you off as he specialised in the field and was amazing.
I hope this has helped you understand your situation better. I could go into the science of it, but I don't want to overwhelm you at this stage.
Be gentle on yourself ok;