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Topic: Asexuality

22 posts, 0 answered
  1. Shellz__22
    Shellz__22 avatar
    15 posts
    20 June 2014

    Hey

    Does anyone identify with this or have some experience with it? To me it makes a lot of sense but.... I dont know.

  2. DaneSaysYay
    DaneSaysYay avatar
    22 posts
    21 June 2014 in reply to Shellz__22

    Yo Shellz, Howdy:),,,,,

    well, i am not asexual, but do find human sexuality is very interesting and does change.

    men and women who have sex with same and different sexes and mtf and ftm trans, celibate ppl and androgenous ppl...

     while i consider myself not overly sexual and can go a long time without it, often thinking in my younger years i could be a priest or even go mtf, i now think that hey go with it if thats what you feel comfortable with and want to do.

    not everyone have has sex and i know couples that are way happy with it and also ppl that cant do it for health reasons. if you dont want to have kids and it does'nt  interest you its your life to do so as you please. but what interests me is if you are in love what about doing it to please your partner, some probly do even if they get no enjoyment out of it.

     

    but do tell us more if you like it is a very interesting subject, whilst not entirely related to depression and anxiety 

     

     

  3. Gruffudd
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    Gruffudd avatar
    2271 posts
    24 June 2014

    Hi there,

    I suspect that this is relevant to depression simply because for me difference has been something that has made me feel invisible or isolated, and so has contributed to the depth of the depression and the time it has taken for me to seek help. My experience is that there is not a label that fits comfortably - I go with gay or queer. Gender is too complicated and I don't identify with either if honest. 

    Perhaps finding a place to talk and listen is a good step to make. The internet works for me because others around the country town I live in feel uncomfortable with anything other then heterosexual and... 

  4. Shellz__22
    Shellz__22 avatar
    15 posts
    25 June 2014 in reply to DaneSaysYay

    Thanks for the posts people :) 

    For reference  DaneSaysYay I have no idea what some of your shorthand means sorry. 

  5. justinok
    justinok avatar
    151 posts
    27 June 2014 in reply to Shellz__22
    Just so we know that we're all talking about the same thing, asexuality is having sexual attraction to neither sex, right?  That's what I understand it to mean.  You may have romantic or platonic feelings, but no sexual feelings at all.
  6. Nickname_
    Nickname_ avatar
    15 posts
    8 July 2014

    Asexuality means you have little or non-existent interest in relationship or sexual desire with anyone. I'm sure there are many links if you goggle. I use to identify myself with Asexuality. Reason for Asexuality could be cultural, trauma or choice/lack of desire.

    For me its trauma and confusion as to who I am. I do want a relationship and experience sexual intercourse including all those things others take for granted like hugging and kissing etc. but I don't have a clue how to interact with others. I was largely in a prison (not law lol but home situation) where I wasn't allowed out much and not allowed to have friends etc. Consequently for me being asexual was by choice but a trauma and it hurts a lot. Anyway, just have to hope things may change. I feel too old now (very late 30s) and it kills me thinking about it. Anyway I'm going to post elsewhere as that why I came here. take care.

  7. Heavy Hearted
    Heavy Hearted avatar
    3 posts
    4 August 2014 in reply to Shellz__22

    I think sometimes the problem is that people far to often get fixated on labels such as gay bi trans straight nerd geek jock etc Just be true to yourself and be the best person you can be and don't label yourself.

    I would say if you are asexual do you mean you lack sexual desire this can be to a number of reasons from depression to medication or even hormonal imbalance this is something if you find problematic you should discuss with your gp

  8. Miss Jane
    Miss Jane avatar
    10 posts
    28 August 2014

    Hey Shellz_22,

    i can relate to this quite well, im dealing with the same issue. i struggle with it big time, my partner and i fight all the time about it. because its 'sex' we are fighting over.. it turns me completly off. i thought maybe it was my sexual abuse as a child, then i thought i just dis-liked men because of it, or was i settled into my relationship and got lazy.... but i then realize, im just not that into 'it'. i can go for ages without it and it doesnt bother me. i hate fighting about it and i hate the feeling of 'theres something wrong with me'  (because i know there isnt) and i hate being nagged about it.

    anyways, i just thought to share my experience.

  9. newslug
    newslug avatar
    2 posts
    28 August 2014 in reply to Miss Jane

    A very interesting subject - and one that I can relate to.

    After Treatment for prostate cancer 4 years ago, I have been left "unable to" regardless of my sexual orientation.

    Sure I still desire a deep, emotional relationship - but who would be interested if impotence stands in the way?

    I have chosen a path, which I'm not sure is satisfactory, but at least it removed the depression (in part) caused by the ailment.

     

    That path leads me to keep up the desire to love and be loved... be that by a man or a woman... I desire intimacy, and who knows what may be awakened when that intimacy presents itself?  I guess "I live in hope" which at least is better than "living a life without hope" ... and far less depressing.

     

    I'm wondering, if, as a gay man, there are others who have similar medically-related malaise.... and if there is an organization where this can be openly discussed - who knows where it might lead???   relationship? love? defeated depression?

  10. justinok
    justinok avatar
    151 posts
    29 August 2014 in reply to newslug

    Hey mate, hope the cancer scare is well out the way. I have known guys who the plumbing hasn't quite worked the same (can't go into too much detail) after being treated for prostate cancer - desire still there, but the parts don't quite operate how they used to.  This can be a source of depression, because there are some guys that aren't interested in you if you can't perform "properly" sexually. 

    For me I find the older I get, the less important sex is in the overall scheme of things. It's the intimacy and companionship that's more important to me, and sex is just a part of that.

  11. guest149
    guest149 avatar
    12 posts
    19 October 2014
    not sure exactly what it means but I know i must have it.  I think I am so far into depression that sex is the last thing on my mind, and no, the plumbing does not work probably because of all the meds along with my self esteem and depression, Hey, im a good looking guy with alot to offer, but am so damaged that the thought of a relationship causes panic that puts me in a dangerous position.  And I can't even work things out on my own.  It's quite a relief actually, just on less thing I have to worry about.  But at the same time, It sure would be nice to know how it feels to be in love and a functioning human being. 
  12. Zoomah
    Zoomah avatar
    23 posts
    2 December 2014

    To rise a dead thread. I was just looking for this subject.

    I identify as asexual as of last year. Had always felt pressured into having to try to have sex with people but never was interested in it. Never. I have no problems with my sex drive though. It took me most of my adult life (I'm 27 now) to figure out that I had no desire for sex.

     The thing that really gets me down is that I want a relationship still. Unfortunately, it's very hard to find someone who doesn't mind not having a sexual relationship. This has leads me to being super bleak about my future because I would really like to have my own family but can see no way that this will ever happen in my life. Being a teacher before my depression made me leave, I children are an important part of what I consider a happy life. It also makes me doubt myself as to the reason for forming a relationship. Is it because I want to spend my life with someone? Or is it because I want to have kids. Not the reason why you should form a relationship. Also bad for any kids you did have.
    Even fostering, being a single male, is out. Not legally, but you are discouraged strongly by both society and child protection. I know one guy and he only gets the really troubled older teenagers. He has his stuff stolen all the time. The risk of false accusations is a strong deterrent as well. I know as a teacher I've left a kid on the ground just because I was too scared to pick her up and get her to the med bay. 
    The other thing is it is really hard to be single financially. Living on one wage is very expensive unless you share a house. But as you get older that gets very... old.

    Then there's the continual 'Why don't you have a partner?' 

  13. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    6 November 2017 in reply to Zoomah

    I know this thread is 3 years old but I relate to it so much. I would describe myself as asexual. I haven't had a crush on anyone since I was 13 years old. I think it is my depression and anxiety which makes me this way but it is what it is.

    I'm almost 31 now and I feel very sad about the fact that I will never know what's like to love someone romantically and have them love me back. I've always equated happiness with having a partner and kids so it's hard for me to come to terms with this. I feel very lonely when I see updates on Facebook of people getting engaged, married or sharing photos of their kids.

    I am fearful of going through life with no one to rely on in case of sickness, injury or just plain getting old. No one to share the happy moments with either. For now I have my two parents who love me unconditionally and I have a sister so I just try and focus on the love and support I get from them.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Just Sara
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    3398 posts
    6 November 2017 in reply to Ellie05

    Morning Ellie;

    It's really sad you're filled with these fears at such a young age. 'Never' is a very long time. I can't imagine feeling the way you do about your future.

    I'm assuming you've had depression since you were in your teens? Is there anything that happened back then to contribute to your a-sexual identity? Have you delved into it with your psych?

    Sexual connection is just one aspect of a relationship. It isn't the be all and end all of a partnership. The concept of having a 'crush' seems to be what you rely on to alert you to being attracted to someone. Mature feelings are more complex.

    Attraction comes in many forms; communication is the most important. Falling in love isn't lust, it's about two people finding a sense of communion with each other.

    What I hear from you is fear. Eg..."What if I like someone and they want a physical relationship?" I'm wondering what experience you've had with dating or even talking with a person about common interests. In fact, you're not the only a-sexual person on the planet. What if you met another like yourself?

    Please don't set yourself up for failure before you've given yourself a chance to explore life. Creating boundaries so limited is self defeatist and will prevent you from identifying real opportunities when they present themselves.

    Could you describe your interpretation of a-sexuality for me in terms of feelings as well as a concept? It might help to understand you better from my perspective.

    Would love to hear back from you Ellie.

    Kind thoughts...

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    Apologies for nothing replied earlier. I know you will probably not see this reply as it's been so long but I wanted to answer you anyway.

    Asexuality to me is not feeling any romantic or sexual connection to anyone. I had a few crushes as a kid but at age 13 a friend told me he was interested and my reaction was to panic. At 16 I thought I could just push though it and agreed to go out with a boy, it didn't end well. I developed extreme anxiety immediately after, spent the whole weekend crying with my mum and had to break it off the following Monday. It was awful, I had no idea what made me like this and often wondered what could have triggered it, I even wondered if there had been abuse in my childhood that I had repressed but now that I've grown older and have had extreme reactions to other things I think it was just down to my anxiety disorder. I really struggle to see how someone could find me attractive and as a result think there is something wrong with them if they do. I also wonder if violence towards women which is depicted in the media is a cause. My parents didn't do a great job of filtering out what we could and couldn't watch so I saw some pretty disturbing movies and TV shows as a kid. Anyway the point is I'm not capable of developing a 'crush' anymore, that is, a physical attraction to someone I know.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Just Sara
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    9 January 2018 in reply to Ellie05

    Hi Ellie;

    No prob's with the late reply ok; it's a really interesting read. It seems you may be right about the anxiety disorder being at the core of your fears, but without a diagnosis, neither of us can be sure.

    I don't want this to sound offensive ok, so please bare with me. Not wanting physical touch can be a symptom of being on the autism spectrum. (Just like we're all on the sexuality/gender spectrum) And know; it doesn't have the reputation it used to as it's much more prevalent and understood within modern society.

    Someone with a high functioning level like 'Asperger's Syndrome' for instance, is difficult to diagnose as people cope quite well in life, even excel. They may present with traits like extremely high intellect yet difficulty identifying peoples facial expressions. They can also be prone to being distant except on an intellectual basis.

    Please be aware I'm not diagnosing you or even suggesting you're on that spectrum; I'm no expert. I come from a background in disabilities and have seen for myself the confusion and sorrow some experience not fitting in.

    My reason for bringing it up is to show how complex our brains are. Society and family especially, have a certain perception of 'normal', It can cause people real heartache not understanding themselves because they don't seem to fit into those norms. What creates peace Ellie, is accepting it's ok to be different.

    Without being assessed by your GP and psychiatrist, you could be worrying about something that for 'you', is absolutely ok.

    I hope I've given you something to think about. Our emotions sometimes cloud the truth. It's best to identify the forest from the trees first so you can focus on your greatness instead of what you feel you lack. We're all individually flawed and on BB, we celebrate that diversity.

    Warm wishes;

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    9 January 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sara,

    I don't think I'm on the spectrum. I actually crave human touch a lot, it's just sex which is the issue. I don't really know why but I think it relates to the fact that growing up there were a lot of messages to suggest that women engaging in sex is a shameful thing, whilst men were celebrated as being 'players' who took advantage of them. There's also the violence aspect, I saw a few movies as a kid where girls or women were attacked or killed by the men they were sleeping with. I think this has planted some deep rooted fears and belief even though I've only ever really seen healthy relationships around me. Everything that has created these disturbing ideas is the what I've seen, read and heard in the media, it's nothing to do with the real life influences I had growing up. All I know is that if I slept with a guy I'd feel used and ashamed. As much as I try to tell myself on a conscious level that in our society there's nothing wrong with women being sexually active and sleeping with people they're not in committed relationships with I still have these irrational deep rooted beliefs. These days sex is expected early on in the dating process and I don't know how I'd ever explain my situation to anyone. I wish I could just let go of these fears and be free.

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  18. Just Sara
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    10 January 2018 in reply to Ellie05

    Hey again Ellie;

    Your explanation gave me a really good overview to understand you better. I'm really very sorry you've carried this with you for so long.

    There are a couple of things I'd like to discuss.

    Firstly, the 'brain' is at the core of our being. Every thought, action and word 'gets in' so to speak. When we're young we don't have the knowledge or lived experience to filter out the nonsense. So we take it as we see or experience it; in silence usually due to lack of skill communicating.

    The other thing I wanted to talk about is the relationship between our brain and body. Our body has a primal process for sexual pleasure, just like dealing with hunger or defending ourselves; it's a survival instinct.

    Without pleasure, we wouldn't procreate. Our bodies don't need the conscious brain to respond sexually as it's programmed into our human nature.

    An example of this is when a child is raped, they disassociate from their mind because it's too traumatic, but may experience sexual pleasure in their body. You can imagine the confusion this creates.

    The rational mind will try to make sense of this 'intellectually'. Shame, self blame, skewed beliefs and PTSD are usually the outcomes. That's why early intervention is paramount.

    So you see, the brain/body connection is too complex and primal a mechanism for little minds to comprehend.

    I'm thinking the best form of therapy for you might be to visit a sex therapist. I saw one for a while and it helped immensely. My issues were different to yours, but the skill of my counsellor helped me understand I'm normal under the circumstances. (Yes, the little girl above was me)

    Sessions with your therapist will be about retraining your body to respond as it's supposed to by working on your beliefs etc.

    If you find one that has a degree, it can make visits cheaper thru Medicare rebates by including them in a Mental Health Care Plan created by your GP.

    My sex therapist was a counsellor so I paid full price. But don't let this put you off as he specialised in the field and was amazing.

    I hope this has helped you understand your situation better. I could go into the science of it, but I don't want to overwhelm you at this stage.

    Be gentle on yourself ok;

    Take care;

    Sez

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    10 January 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Thanks Sez, that is something I'd never considered before. Maybe it's worth checking it out. Even the thought of going to a 'sex therapist' makes me feel embarrassed, which goes to show there are some things I really need to figure out.

    I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to you. It makes me so angry that people are capable of hurting children in that way.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Maoise
    Maoise avatar
    1 posts
    23 March 2018

    Just wanted to drop some informative websites in here, because in addition to all the valid things discussed already in the thread that can contribute to people's psychosocial experience of relationships, asexuality is also a legitimate orientation in and of itself (and doesn't always need to be medicalised). The extreme lack of awareness of asexuality in society (even among health professionals) I often see significantly contributing to people's experiences with depression.

    There are orientations within the asexuality spectrum - demisexual, grey-asexual, demi-romantic (and more), which people may relate to more once they read about them and talk to others who identify with these labels.

    There are also two asexual dating websites in Australia, for those on the romantic spectrum.

    There are a few facebook groups, and asexuality (plus the other sub-labels mentioned above) have very active tags on the website tumblr.

    Hope this helps other people investigating their own identity! I encourage those in treatment for depression to bring these discussions to their therapist, but don't be discouraged if they are not familiar or even dismissive of these orientations. A good mental health professional will work WITH you to help you understand yourself better and find the root causes of your feelings.

    - Maoise (demi-romantic, demi-sexual person!)

    2 people found this helpful
  21. MaiiBear
    MaiiBear avatar
    22 posts
    29 March 2018 in reply to Maoise

    Thank you so much for this, I barely see my orientation being acknowledged by anyone and it's been negatively affecting me lately because of the feeling of isolation. I'm grey-panromantic or aromantic asexual myself ( I can't really distinguish platonic from romantic love at the moment but I've been using grey-pan ace as my label because it feels more comfortable for me ). I'd like to add that there are two very ace groups in particular on facebook - from my experience they have very kind and understanding admins which would love to reply to you or discuss problems, even posting them for public discussion anonymously if you ask. As much as tumblr can be a good place for awareness, please take caution as there is a chance a aphobe may have posted something silly in the ace positivity tags as it's happened before, though this is happening less over time.

     

    1 person found this helpful
  22. MaiiBear
    MaiiBear avatar
    22 posts
    30 March 2018 in reply to MaiiBear
    EDIT:// It's a shame you can't actually change your previous comments because I accidentally deleted the groups I was going to mention. "Asexual ACES" and "Aces, Aros and Enbies". Sorry for the double post

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