Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Bisexual, but only ever been with a man

Topic: Bisexual, but only ever been with a man

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mads33
    Mads33 avatar
    1 posts
    2 June 2022

    So at the end of last year I finally came out to my long term partner (cis het man) and told him I am attracted to more genders than just men (or bisexual). He was super supportive and it went really well. I felt such a relief after telling him - for years I had in my head things like "maybe I'm gay and have been lying to my partner this whole time", "but I'm attracted to my partner so I can't be" etc. Once I could finally say I'm bisexual, I felt so much better. However, now I'm starting to share my sexuality with more people, I'm beginning to feel a bit fake. I've only ever been with a man and I don't plan on getting out of this relationship anytime soon, so sometimes I feel like I should've just pretended I was straight all along. But I also feel so much better identifying as bi. I just don't know how to feel valid and not invisible in that identity when I present as straight.

    I guess I'm wondering if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and what they did to feel more connected to their bisexual identity?

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11068 posts
    3 June 2022 in reply to Mads33

    Dear Mads33~

    Do you mind if I look at this from another point of view even if it does not quite answer your question? I'd agree you are an expert on you - the only one in fact, and how you regard yourself and role in life is more than important, it's just about the basis for everything.

    This does not mean other's have to share your view of yourself, or to understand you properly. Communication and the circumstances of others can be big barriers. I'm sure you have thought of this yourself - you do not have to demonstrate in any way anything about you. Perceptive people will see the real you, and when they do you may be surprised.

    Rather than being overly concerned as to your being Bi, they may look at you, and see a person in a stable relationship in which you can converse freely wiht trust and confidence, are supported and wish to remain in that happy state - plus you are attracted to your partner.

    How many of any gender can say all that? Sadly not as many as one might wish. So when announcing who you are please do so because it pleases you, and leave the reactions to others. The good ones will be fine.

    I hope this makes some sense, what do you think?

    Croix

    Rather than doubt others may envy you.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16455 posts
    3 June 2022 in reply to Mads33

    Hello Mads, it doesn't matter whether you're straight, gay or bi, you are in love with that person, but that doesn't stop you from being keen on another person, because this happens all the time and being in a relationship shouldn't forbid it from happening.

    It doesn't mean that you go from one person to another in a matter of a few minutes, but you should allow yourself to be able to like both sexes, and to qualify how you feel you won't know until you have dated a female, then you can make a decision.

    Geoff.

  4. Spl spl
    Spl spl avatar
    73 posts
    3 June 2022 in reply to Mads33

    Hi Mads33, welcome to the forums.

    Your story is remarkably relatable. I'm bi as well, and I have only ever dated a man. I have to say, it's tough when you're someone who has more of an in-between life experience. It's very easy to divide people into 'straight' and 'gay" and make them appear to be completely seperate things. But, the reality is, neither are very binary.

    Being bi, there is a lot of pressure on both sides. From the lgbtqia+ side, there are often expectations not to appear 'straight'. From the more straight side, it's expected that you are straight and nothing else. Those unsaid expectations exclude a ton of people. Like for instance, asexual hereromantic people. Or, straight trans people. Or, bi people who appear to be in a 'straight' relationship. You are far from the only one under that pressure.

    For being more connected to the bi side of yourself, maybe try getting involved in your local community if you can. If your area has a Pride parade, you could march in it? (its fun). Maybe there's organisations or events on Facebook around? Essentially, anything that gets you talking to other lgbtqia+ people in real life would help I imagine. Bi people are a dime a dozen honestly, the chances of you finding someone who is in your shoes is not impossible. Seriously, it's just the demographics of it.

    It's absolutely possible to be bi and comfortable being with whoever you choose. You don't need to, "catch them all" to be valid if you get my drift. These are very normal feelings to go through, I believe talking to some lgbtqia+ people in real life may help you. Doesn't even have to be a deep talk, just sometimes seeing people live their life happily is enough to calm feelings inside <3 This will pass. You are strong. You can make it through it.

  5. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    293 posts
    3 June 2022 in reply to Mads33

    Hi Mads33,

    I think it is wonderful you have been on this journey of self discovery and come to know your sexuality more clearly. It is also great to hear your partner was supportive of this news and made you feel comfortable, this is lovely.

    I understand it can be a strange thing to share this side of yourself if you aren't actively exploring it physically or emotionally, but I don't think you should feel fake or that it wasn't worth sharing. Our sexuality is an important part of our identity and coming out can be such a transformative experience. Holding it in may have created more stress and confusion for you as well.

    Simply expressing who you are is fine, you owe nothing to anybody on how you act on it.

    Be proud and open, you deserve it.

  6. Cyclone_Sally
    Cyclone_Sally avatar
    1 posts
    23 June 2022 in reply to Mads33

    Hi Mads33,

    I realise you wrote this a little while ago but I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I felt like you were describing my experience.

    I had been feeling like a fraud, like I shouldn't bother sharing. But I recently joined the Pride Group at my work and being an accepted part of the network has been huge.

    I agree re being proud and open (though I also struggle with it)

    Thanks again :)

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up