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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Feeling regretful and depressed that I missed my teenage years due to being in the closet.

Topic: Feeling regretful and depressed that I missed my teenage years due to being in the closet.

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. bdd84
    bdd84 avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2021

    Hi all.

    I am currently 37 years old and struggling a lot at the moment with feelings of regret and depression that I wasted my teenage years and have missed out on a lot of experiences. I have always had social anxiety and this only got worse once I realized I am gay. Due to this I have been very introverted and felt unworthy of friendships and romantic relationships. As I previously stated I am 37 years old and I have still not had a relationship of any kind and I am still a virgin. I honestly feel hopeless because I have allowed fear to rob me of fulfilling relationships. I would like to meet people and possibly have a relationship but I feel like no one will want to be with me when I tell them I have no relationship or sexual experience.

    Was hoping to get some advice.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5658 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to bdd84
    Hi bdd84, 

    We are sorry to here that you are struggling with your feelings of regret, that must be a really difficult thing to be holding. We think that looking for support here on the forums is a wonderful step on the journey to feelin gbetter within yourself. There are people on this forum who can understand your exerpeinces as, while they are unique there are some similiararities. You are not alone in this. 

    We think that is would be a useful for you to speak to someone about you are feeling. We have put a few options below of wonderful people that you can call. Everyone listed will be understanding, kind and helpful. 

    Phonelines
    Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
    Lifeline 13 11 14
    Qlife 1800 184 527

    We are really happy to have you in this community and we hope that you continue to post and join into conversations that you find right for you. Please come back an update us on how you are feeling as well, if you feel comfortable.

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1550 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to bdd84

    Hi there and a very warm welcome to the forums. This is a great community of people to chat to, and I'm glad you're here :)

    At times, like you, I've experienced regret over wasted time, but as others have rightly pointed out to me, it's pointless. We can't change it, we can only work with now. And from my own perspective, and I hope this helps to know, I wouldn't be put off knowing that someone didn't have relationship or sexual experience. Everyone is deserving of experiencing intimacy and love.

    You mentioned you've experienced social anxiety. Is that something that you're still dealing with? Have you ever sought professional help, or do you think this is something you might consider? Social anxiety and issues around self esteem are something that a psychologist could help you work through and give you strategies to get you socialising in a way that might help you to connect with people.

    Love to hear more from you if you feel like chatting. Katy

  4. bdd84
    bdd84 avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy, thank you very much for your kind words. It helps to not feel so alone.

    Yes I still suffer from social anxiety as well as some generalised anxiety but I find social anxiety harder to cope with as I really do want to connect with people. I have never previously had professional help , but it is something I am looking into at the moment.

  5. bdd84
    bdd84 avatar
    3 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Hello Sophie, thanks for the welcome and the advice and contact details. I have contacted QLife and they were extremely helpful. I really appreciate the help and I will be sure to do my best to participate in this community.
  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1550 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to bdd84

    Hey again

    So happy to hear that you've reached out to QLife and found them to be really helpful. I hope it's the start of a new journey for you. There are definitely tools and strategies to help us to work on the challenges we face to having a fulfilling life, and you really are deserving of so much happiness.

    Much kindness, Katy

  7. Scottr1
    Scottr1 avatar
    2 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to bdd84

    Hello bdd84.

    I read your comment, and couldn’t relate to it anymore if I tried. I felt like I had written it, only difference is I am three years older.

    Having been in a closet all this time as well, I haven’t been in a long term relationship and didn’t date in my teen years. I also have regrets of time wasted.

    However I have come to the realisation that while I may have wasted some of my younger years, I won’t waste another day, and will be making most of my life from today onwards.

    One of the obstacles I am finding is I live in the Hunter Valley where there is hardly any support groups or meet any other gay guys, where as the nearest major city near me is Sydney that has allot of sport/social groups.

    In terms of any men judging me because I have never been in a relationship or my lack of sexual experience, I would move on, they aren’t really people I would want to spend time with anyway.

    Look forward to chatting more,

    Scott.

  8. Marcello71
    Marcello71 avatar
    4 posts
    15 August 2021 in reply to Scottr1

    Hello Scott,

    I can relate my side of story to yours buddy. I came out in my 40s but I did not regret that. As you mentioned that it is hard get a partner and and being judged for having less experience, I guess I go through that (even now) but I quickly manage to understand and moved from that.

    My focus at the moment is my career, my well being, my children and picked up other interests that I couldn't do in my younger days.

    Talking to my close friends and family is helping me a lot at the moment. I also feel good about sharing my experiences with other's and helped many men at my work place by listening to them and relate my story to them.

    So far everything have been very positive and looking forward for more positivity in my life.

    All the best mate

    Mac

  9. Lost.Soul
    Lost.Soul avatar
    4 posts
    15 August 2021 in reply to bdd84

    Hi there, thanks for sharing your story. It felt as if i'm describing my life through your words as I am living the same life. I also suffer from depression and feel that my life is wasting away. We're of the same age, i am also an introvert and have been in the closet until now which i think has big factor to play with my depression.

    I wanna meet people like you whom I can relate and be friends with. Take care mate and have a good week.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5658 posts
    16 August 2021 in reply to Lost.Soul

    Hi Lost.Soul, 

    We're really sorry to hear you're going through such a similar experience. We're really glad that you've found understanding and can relate to this, here on the forums.  

    We'd definitely recommend reaching out to Qlife to talk about this, on 1800 184 527. We'd also suggest checking out QLife's QDirectory, particularly to see if there are any support groups that could help you to connect with others who know what it feels like to go through this. The Black Dog Institute also have a list of support groups we'd recommend having a look at.  

    It sounds like there are some really difficult feelings your dealing with. Please do remember you can reach out to the counsellors at Beyond Blue whenever you want to talk things through on 1300 22 4636or via webchat.  We are really grateful that you shared this here, so thank you. Please feel free to keep sharing, this community is here for you and will be able to offer advice and understanding. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M 

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