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Join the online community Community rules Coping with bushfires

Topic: Hocd

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Kosmo
    Kosmo avatar
    3 posts
    14 January 2020

    HI, I’m a 16 year old male and as of August last year I have had really bad anxiety about possibly being gay. Before this really bad anxiety I had thoughts like what if I am gay but they were brief. I also before smoking for the first time was nervous that I would put myself even though I wasn’t gay. In the past i have had ocd about many things, most notably diseases. Ebola when travelling, cancer, schizophrenia etc. All convincing myself I was going to die. Now I’m worried about if I’m gay. I think I’m worried is because of rather than the thought of being gay, the thought of not being in control of who I am, (lgbt people saying they were born that way etc). Never had anything against gay people and my family I know would accept me although I did go through an edgy phase when I was like 13 making racist, homophobic jokes etc, I have had one girlfriend before and it wasn’t the smoothest as she was busy a lot and we didn’t get to spend too much time together. During that time my ocd acted up aswell and I just bottled it up, it was about her doing things with other guys which I knew she wouldn’t but I still beat myself up about it. We only kissed once and I’m not sure exactly how I felt, My heart was racing and I ran out of oxygenSince breaking up I’ve talked to two girls whom I broke off becauseI was stressed. My ocd brings up all the gayish things I might’ve done in the past and torments me. im also worried I like a guy cause now whenever I look at him I get a weaker but similar feeling to when I look at a cute girl and get all nervous. My ocd is so annoying I remember times that I thought I was the only human in a simulation or that I would wake up and everyone would be dead and beat myself up about that. I get intrusive thoughts about being gay a lot and it’s hard for me to get turned on to women anymore cause I think I think too much. Note that since I was pretty young like 8 years old I had been exposed to erotic content through porn etc due to a friend who I suppose got ahold of it from their older brother. I had never had any thoughts of being with a guy till earlier this year. I’ve always liked girls but now I think that I’ve been faking it due to society shunning homosexuality. Honestly being bi wouldn’t even bother me if I actually knew that’s what I was because I hate this what if my brain throws at me. I feel like if I get in a situation where I have sex with a girl that I won’t be able to perform because I’ll think I’m gay or I actually am gay


  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    6963 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Kosmo

    Hi and welcome

    At 16yo you are in a transition period in terms of all things sexual. Even straight guys your age are confused about various parts of their sexuality but maybe not in terms of orientation but other things- insecurity, lack of confidence etc.

    The better way to go about this is to let your thoughts be fluid, eg if you like a girl, you like a girl, doesnt matter that you might be gay or not, like a boy, same, like the boy, not crime committed. This is the ultimate of being yourself which should be everyone's aim- why? Because your mental health will thankyou for it.

    Worry and anxiety is a terrible thing to develop. I took 22 years for me to rid my life of anxiety, some people might take less or never get rid of it. Relaxation is a good start to implement in your lifestyle.

    I'm 63yo and a lot of changes to society has come about over the last few decades. LGBTIQ people are by most people accepted as they are and I have some friends and two relatives that are gay- beautiful people. Their happiness is my happiness.

    Here is a few threads you can google

    Beyondblue topic you are a jigsaw piece

    Beyondblue topic the frog and the scorpion

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. eight
    eight avatar
    70 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to Kosmo

    you mention feeling this “weaker but similar feeling” with guys as you do girls and it makes me wonder what's the root of your attractions? it must be terrifying and heavy to sort it out now, but i was thinking if it feels complicated or bad or scary compared to feeling natural or good, or maybe parts of both? maybe that could be a start to sorting out what’s attraction versus compulsions because imo attraction that’s forced or painful for you isn’t really attraction

    and even if you do come to the conclusion you’re attracted to guys [“it’s my sleepover and i get to choose the movie” voice] it’s your sexuality and you get to choose how you feel, identify, and act. you don’t have to thrust yourself immediately into dating if thats not what you want, and just if you’re (hypothetically) into men doesn’t mean you can no longer date girls if you like them too and you want to. (if you aren’t please don’t do that. getting into relationships where you’re not attracted to your partner is going to be awful for everyone involved)

    some people frame their sexualities as being born this way (the way i think of mine it's like. something i couldn’t deny any longer because it was causing me so much misery pretending to myself) but there are def differences and other people who feel they have control or they’re fluid and hey even if you ask me who’s got a pretty mainstream view i can see that “born this way” slogan was made in defence of cishets saying “if you didn’t want to b discriminated you could just be straight n cis if you wanted”. heyy governments you should give me rights because who’d choose to be a stupid queer like me am i right xoxo.

    i’d argue about how a lot of the ideas about lgbt people mostly get built from lgbts trying to get others to take them seriously and its sad younger kids are seeing it as “be this traumatised and hurt to ride”. maybe i’m off on a tangent here

    i don’t know if i’m exactly the best person to listen to here because of comorbidity but ocd isnt one of them. possibly take what i say with a pinch of salt but its just. your sexuality doesn't need to intrude on what you want for yourself if you understand whatever i’m going on about? tony has a little grain of truth in the idea of taking it easy.

    eight

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Kosmo
    Kosmo avatar
    3 posts
    15 January 2020 in reply to eight
    Yeah that’s the problem with ocd it feels so real now that I honestly don’t know what I am at all. I know for a fact I’ve been straight or at least mostly straight my whole life but now it’s all just been flipped on it’s head
  5. Kosmo
    Kosmo avatar
    3 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to white knight
    Thank you, currently on school holidays and have no schedule, this tends to be the time of year my ocd and anxiety really get ahold of me cause I don’t see friends often and do nothing all day but sit with my thoughts, usually it’s me thinking I have cancer then school starts back up again and I’ve forgotten about it mostly. Just gonna try endure it for the next few weeks and hopefully it gets better when I have a schedule
  6. eight
    eight avatar
    70 posts
    16 January 2020 in reply to Kosmo

    oh yeah. january nothingness. i'm actually going to be busy in the last week or two but right now its just vegetating and also getting through a breath of the wild replay and hm. not to offtopic but forgot this was such a timesuck

    even in my whole jumble of my many symptoms syndromes, intrusive thoughts arent part of the package. lots of em entail bad anxiety but the obsessive compulsions no.

    i Feel that when you talk about sometimes its hard to tell if they're real sometimes my disorders will convince me someone or something is a threat because it throws my emotional dysregulation or processing out of whack. sometimes its as benign as thinking "this food tasting funny is just my sensory issues" then realising it tastes funny bc its contaminated congrats on the food poisoning dumbass sometimes its more sinister but maybe its not time to go into my Deep Lore

    i dont know we're all in a sorta lull. hope you can endure and hope your thoughts can give you some peace next month man

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