My heart truly goes out to you as you face what sounds like the most challenging time of your life. It's tough to be facing a massive challenge with so few answers.
Getting a true sense of our natural self can be such a struggle at times. While we can be raised to identify in one way, the identity that's developed can sometimes be the wrong one or perhaps too limited. At some point we may feel it as the wrong one, feel the limitation at such an incredibly deep level.
When you consider how we start out in life, in our early years we don't identify by gender in any significant way. At the age of 3 we don't stand in front of the mirror proclaiming 'I'm a girl' or 'I'm a boy'. We simply start out as our natural self which gradually develops beliefs and preferences. Of course, our beliefs and preferences can be swayed depending on how we're raised and what culture we find our self in. If you're raised to see pansexuality, for example, as 'ridiculous', then you'll be led to believe it's ridiculous even if that belief feels wrong or depressing. So, what happens when you get to a certain point in life where you may feel or experience elements of pansexuality? You may be left struggling with what's 'ridiculous'. The truth remains, if someone has no preference regarding identity in this way, they are naturally open minded. In a way, you could say they are struggling with becoming more open minded when they were raised to keep a closed mind.
Would you say one of the challenges you face at the moment is perhaps the challenge of opening your mind to who you may naturally be? Do you have a variety of open minded people around you, who could lead you to discover who you naturally are? I think we get a feel for who we naturally are. For example, when it comes to intense energy, you can physically feel an energetic attraction to a person. It can feel incredibly exciting. Who would you say you feel that most toward? Male, female, both? No need to answer, just leading you to see if you can get a feel for the kind of energy I'm talking about. Are you attracted to the energy or nature of a person, as opposed to being attracted to largely gender based factors? Again, no need to answer.
How would it be to gradually get a feel for who you naturally are, through the process of elimination and discovery?
Btw, I've found reality tends to shift, for the better, when you surround yourself with open minded people who lead you to discover who you naturally are :)