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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

Topic: Husband gay but in denial. How do I help and survive this?

  1. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    12 August 2018

    I guess my title says it all.

    My husband, best friend and person I knew has finally faced up to years of cheating. While floored by the betrayal of monogamy and the trust issues, I want to know how I can help him. This is doing my head in. I don’t care about the sexuality, but the lies and hurt he has caused has stripped my confidence and self worth to 0.

    We live in small country area and he is widely known (also all his mates know as he has tried it on with some of them). He keeps saying he loves me and wants to stay married, we don’t have sex or intimacy. But he has cheated with only men and our gay friend believe he is gay not bi.

    Ive looked for somewhere to be supported and help my husband through this. I know our marriage is ended, but this should not have to end badly. How can I help him, while ensuring my anger at the betrayal of trust is reined in?

    We are both around 50, kids, etc.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    12 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi Tired of being,

    Welcome to the forums and I hope you find some solace here.

    I think I can relate to your feelings of trust.My husband of the 32yrs has recently "come out" after much angst to all involved.He is my best friend but I do feel betrayed. I thought I knew him so well.

    I (we) have decided to divorce amicably.This is not where I expected to be at 56.I have sought the help of a psychologist and while we remain living in the same househe knows it won't be forever.

    It is extremely difficult but you are in a situation not of your choosing. I have returned to work after18yrs and while I do still love him,I have decided life is too short to not set boundaries and move on. Your children will respect you for it and you will to.

    I encourage you to seek help with dealing with this situation. You don't have to go it all by yourself.

    Having said this,anger is a huge feeling.I too am torn between anger and sorrow. Be the better person,keep your dignity intact,remain friends.At some point our husbands will realise, but I believe there's no going back.Keep strong.It is your time now.

    Ruby 2

    4 people found this helpful
  3. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    13 August 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    Thank you Ruby. This is such an emotional isssue, made worse because he keeps avoiding the truth. All his cheating is with men. He does not plan it, it just happens. There have not been any women, so this kind of makes it easier than if I was cheated on with another woman.

    We are going to do counselling, but he has chosen one that is nearly 2 hrs away on the other side of Melbourne. Is this a way of avoiding doing it? I know I am asking stupid questions, but I keep trying to find a reason why the man I love is doing this.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    173 posts
    15 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hey Tired of being, you sound like a beautiful person - please take a moment to acknowledge that.

    I am male, 47, married for 20 years and 3 mths ago I came out to my beautiful wife. You sound awesome just like her. She was more worried about my mental health than herself. I never cheated on her, so I guess that is the biggest difference here.

    The fact that you are supporting him just proves how great you are. I wouldn't worry about the distance - better to go than not at all. My psychologist was in Preston, and I live eastern suburbs - so about an hour, and when my wife and I went it actually gave us time to chat in the car, in both directions.

    Be honest with him, but try and remain composed if you can. Like ruby said, you are in a situation not of your choosing, and though you may understand that he may not have had a choice (like me) when he was younger to accept being gay, he does have a choice in what he does whilst still being with you.

    The counsellor will try and help him realise what he is doing to you.

    It may also help you to contact an organisation called QLIFE - google them. they are a LGBT peer counselling service for LGBT people and their friends. They may also be able to offer some advice, and perhaps a counsellor that is gay themselves and can provide your husband with clarity.

    I'm still living with my wife and kids, I bought a 2 bedroom unit close by (with her help all the way), the settlement is 2/nov so will be moving out around then. Whilst I have joined some LGBT groups to get my head around things, I will not pursue anything until I'm comfortable that I am in no way hurting my beautiful wife. Really, I think it will be many years for me - it just terrifies me!

    Try and remain positive, I thank you for being an awesome woman to your obviously confused husband.

    take care.

    Darren

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    15 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Dear Tired of Being,

    Darren has offered some great advice and tips to follow. It's also good to look at a gay spouse's perspective.It is difficult for them and after being with someone for so long,you do want to help and achieve a good outcome for all.Others who have not experienced this may not understand how you can still stand by,but true love accepts.You seem to have this for your husband,but in order for him to help you he has to first accept himself.Mine ended up in a psychiatric unit for 2 months before he could tell me.

    It will take a lot of work,but I hold on to the fact that while we won't be lovers we will remain friends.

    Counseling in whatever form is a good first step forward and I would encourage you to go.Write a list of your concerns and give them to the counselor so they can address your issues.Sometimes my mind would go blank or I would forget what I needed to say and you can get caught up with just seeking help for your husband.You matter too!

    Keep us posted on your progress.As odd as this feels,the more you talk to others you will find it is not such an unusual situation to be in.

    Wishing you all the best

    Ruby 2

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    16 August 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Thank you Darren and Ruby.

    I am not a loving and supportive wife. I swing between crying for my lost life, we were going to grow old etc. and standing up an saying I need go so I can rebuild me.

    thank you for the other group. I really don’t care about the sexuality, but cheating/betrayal of trust deeply wounds. He now refuses to go out with friends, so that I know he is being faithful. ???? I am not concerned about him being faithful, as he is not attracted to women, or primarily attracted to men atm. That he says he has no self control in that situation, says so much. But after these talks he clams up so tightly.

    I am going to try counselling, but we have so much to work through. I would rather the truth and then friendship once wounds heal, than a lifetime of torture/guilt/pretending for both of us. I wish he could see himself as a single man, who can follow his heart and find his true self and love freely.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    21 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Dear Tired of being,

    Sorry it has taken a while to reply,but as we all know life can get in the way.....

    How did you go with counseling?I do hope you were able to gain something from it.

    You ARE a wonderful person.You have shown this by your wish to help your husband.

    I have just started working after 18yrs,which has been a steep learning curve.But it has shown me I can do things independently of my husband.

    He has been diagnosed with lung cancer-talk about life running away on you!My new employer understands and have been quite helpful. You may be surprised at who can help in dark ,difficult situations.I was!

    I guess,what I am trying to say is:life can throw so many unexpected things at us.Try and surround yourself with people who are able to help and support you.Some may not-ignore and move on.

    I understand the small town mentality. Go and confide in your GP.What you say is confidential and if need be explain to them that you don't want "everyone"to know your business.

    Just a few suggestions to let you know you have not been forgotten:)I can offer no solutions, everyone's different. But I do wish you well and can be the "silent"friend if you need to vent.

    Thinking of you

    Ruby

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    22 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi tired of being,

    I feel desperately sad for your situation, its horrible for everyone. I think same sex attraction is so complex. I am the other side of your situation, i have just outed myself to my husband and after some time to reflect he has begged us not to separate. This is painful for both of us and i hate being the cause of his pain that he has no fault in. I can appreciate how betrayed you feel and how the life you had planned isnt going to happen now. I think that regardless, you should have your own counselling because this is about your feelings, and only yours and how you now move forward, Your husband, whilst he may be struggling, at the end of the day, his nature is his nature. i wish you all the best as you navigate your new life. I hope in time you blossum.

    3 people found this helpful
  9. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    26 August 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Thank you Esti67

    This situation is so complex. I have come to the realisation that half life is not going to work for either of us. In the end our true self is who we should be honest to. I see his pain, anger and desperation to stay in a ‘straight’ marriage. He hides his true self, when there is no need to. He could have so much support, our kids don’t care as we have several same sex couple close friends,

    You are so strong to be honest. Give your husband time, but remind him he deserves 100% in relationship, just like you do. You still share so much love, but not the love that a marriage needs.

    I wish you so much happiness and the freedom that will come with being your true self.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    26 August 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi Tired of Being, thanks for your reply. As far as our situation goes i think we have turned a corner today. I misunderstood his time in processing the situation for denial which meant i was becoming worried that he hadnt quite understood what i was saying and that this would be swept under the carpet and we'd be back to square 1. In reality he just needed time. We had a really nice talk today about wanting eachother to be happy, the dating scene (dread) and also how we are going to deal with family, friends and the community we live and work in. Im prepared to take whatever happens and dont really care what people think but i do worry that my family have to deal with gossip.We live in a suburb which isnt very diverse and have been very involved in the community through schools and sports. I couldnt agree more that both in the relationship deserve 100%. Something lovely he said when i told him it wasnt his fault and I'm so sorry is that it wasnt mine either. He didn't have to say that but it was very appreciated. I hope you both find a way forward- he probably has a lot of guilt which is tied up in self loathing, love for his family and lets face it - mess. It will work out for you all in time but i would suggest you contact women partners of bisexual men service. They work from Leichardt Womens and have a website.I noted you live in a small country town. They are a specialist service and they will help . I think you have shown incredible strength at a time when you could have been really horrible to your husband. Looking at some other posts in this section some couples have been very damaged by this. The way you have handled this tells me you are an amazing mum, partner and person. I hope it all works out. Please be kind to yourself

    E

    3 people found this helpful
  11. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    28 September 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi tired

    this is a hard situation for everyone involved, I’m going through my own.

    your husband grew up in a society, culture and, most likely, a family that told him he was not normal, damaged, broken, evil, etc etc he would have felt alone, had no one to help him.

    I know every time I would blow out the candles on my birthday, Id only wish for one thing, to not be gay. I’m sure your husband had similar experiences.

    For me, it caused a lot of self hate. It’s very hard to like this part of yourself, harder to admit it and even more so to embrace it.

    When your husband married you, I’m sure he did love you, and he honestly was expecting he would be faithful, being with you would have made him forget about his attractions to men but unfortunately they don’t go away

    im not trying to justify your husbands actions, I think he just can’t express all the mixed feelings he’s going through, and itd help you hearing it from someone ina similar situation

    John

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    29 September 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi,would like to know how life is going for you atm?

    Support is here. I really get what is happening!Not only has he come out after 32yrs, but has also been diagnosed with lung cancer!to op it all off,I have have had a bad fall which may need surgery-yay!!!

    I do wish you well and hope things are progressing. Remember, it is not the event, but how we deal with it that matters .

    Wishing nothing but the best.Here if you just need to vent or ramble cc

    Ruby 2

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    30 September 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    I was also wondering how Tired is going and also you too Ruby - sounds like life isn't so great for you? Glad these forums are here for us all, whatever our situation.

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    3 October 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Hi Etsi67,

    Life has certainly thrown us all a curve ball.It is good to have these forums,to see other people's views and how they cope.We can all help each other in some way.

    I am glad you feel you and your husband have reached a turning point.We are finding that talking and then talking some more has helped. If you can't say it now,when.Life can never be certain, but we can try to live it with integrity. Being honest with each other has brought me a lot of clarity.

    I have to stay and support my husband through his illness, because I do still care for him.It is like we have gone back to how we started-mates,flatmates,just a lot older.

    I have dealt with my disappointment etc.I cannot picture us not keeping not caring about each other.But I also have to be pragmatic and have been socializing and living my own way,instead of being tied to the wishes and expectations of a spouse.

    Hang in there, life will get better-you have taken the first step by allowing yourself to be you.Keep going.

    I feel I'm rambling a little-hard to gather a million thoughts together lol.

    Thanks for your concern,I hope things are going easier for you.

    Ruby

    3 people found this helpful
  15. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    3 October 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    Thanks Ruby,

    We are muddling along and its ok. Kind of. Like you, not where i thought I'd be at 51 but I knew my same sex attraction would surface somewhere. Even though I'm on the other side i do feel for you both as women because we are so used to being the heartbeat of the family and being responsible for most of the day to say decision making, to then be faced with a situation which is so out of our control is heartbreaking. I hope you and your husbands health improve and that in time all of you can remain friends despite what has happened.

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    4 October 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    Hi Ruby,

    Your husband must be in a bit of disbelief of where his life is at, and he must be scared about his diagnosis. The treatment process will be long and drawn out. I hope that he responds well. He probably needs a few different sorts of professionals to help him get through the physical illness and the psychological impact.

    It really comes across in your posts how determined you are to not give up on connection and moving forward with your own life. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, a lot of people reach 50 and completely resign themselves to leaving their life as it is, even if they are incredibly unhappy, even so miserable to the point it affects their mental health and emotional well-being. They will create an internal narrative for themselves, which sometimes borders on delusion to resist change, avoid loss and not take any risks. You certainly do not come across like that.

    You’re a really strong women, and I think it’s awesome and wonderful to see a chick not dismissing her needs and the potential to experience intimacy and connection for herself, as if it is less important than a male spouse. There is so much pressure on women to be the care-giver of everyone. Your husbands situation is absolutely awful but it doesn’t invalidate how hard your side must be and your raw emotions shouldn’t be dismissed and replaced with pressure to continue life as it is, like some sort of eerie silent film. You don’t want to create more resentment that bubbles underneath so I think it’s fantastic that you’re getting out there………….and if you meet someone else, you meet someone else.

    Your husband will have a lot of regret in is heart for having lived an incomplete life for so long and then to be thrown this diagnoses….gosh, that’s so hard.

    Even though you said you’re living like mates and flat mates, and of course there is that sense for the loss of what was, I think his really blessed to have your mateship around him right now.

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    4 October 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Hi to Esti and Def,

    I appreciate your insights as the gay spouses-but why label.We all hurt whether straight or gay but we all seem to still have kind of love for them.

    My Dr said to me once do what feels right for you.The emphasis on YOU.

    We all know who we are and our capabilities-takes a crisis to discover, but we find ourselves eventually.

    Thank you both for your words of hope and encouragement. I do wish the same for everyone here.We think it's just us but a real eye opener to discover this situation is more common than we think.

    Support here has been a life saver for me.Hubby has started treatment,so far all good.Kids have been helping, which has been great to see they still support him no matter the circumstances. Must have done something right in raising them lol.

    Great to hear the 'other'perspective.Thanks for your concern and input.I bear no malice,just want everyone to be their true selves.Life is hard and sometimes short.If friendship and love can prevail,then why can't we.

    Good luck with moving on Esti-you do deserve to be you and to Def-how eloquently you expressed my situation and I do appreciate your support. Although sometimes I don't feel as strong as you paint me .

    Thank you both

    Ruby

    3 people found this helpful
  18. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    4 October 2018 in reply to Tired of being

    Hi Tired,

    Just touching base. Hope things are looking up for you .Did you go to counseling?Seek some for yourself if anything.

    Still here if you need to vent,ask questions.

    Wishing you a good outcome for all xx

    Ruby

  19. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    5 October 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    Hi Ruby,

    Good to hear that your husband has commenced treatment. Just when he's recovering from a breakdown he's now having to find the mental strength to get through his diagnosis. That must be so taxing on him. But his secret was clearly making him sick, and it's taken a big toll on his body.

    Your head must be spinning a bit. You must be in a bit of disbelief as to the path your life has taken.

    But I think what's great is that you haven't given up on life. And neither has your husband. You haven't resigned.

    You said that this situation is 'common', and I agree. But I think it is much more common to continue hiding it, burying it, and conforming. People do not want to lose their secure base. Some of the gay men I have met in this situation, I feel, confuse love with gratitude. They've said "but I love my wife so much, maybe I can just remain living like this"........and I've always thought to myself......of course you do! She's provided safety, security, a shield from judgement and a nurturing place where you don't have to be an outsider and a part of an minority group. You get to meld in, while you fortify yourself behind her, and experience all the benefits of social acceptance. Sounds pretty snug and cosy to me.

    But the reality is Ruby you deserve more than this. If you're with someone romantically, you deserve to know that they reciprocate all of those deep feelings, attraction and desire in its totality. Not just the stuff of family and comfort, while your partners mind is wandering off fantasising about the same sex.

    It will be a long journey for you and your husband.

    Grief and loss are some of the hardest emotions anyone has to face in a lifetime. Some do it better than others. But I reckon you guys will be Ok, and acceptance will come in time.

    Def

    3 people found this helpful
  20. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    66 posts
    7 October 2018 in reply to Ruby 2

    Thanks Ruby,

    I agree that our situations are very common, more than people realise and being on these forums are a great sense of support for us all.

    All the best

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    10 February 2019

    Hi again. After my first post, being supportive, optimistic and friends. Things have turned into a horror movie. After my posts....we had sex a couple of times (he’s bi), he stopped to talking to me, unless it was to tell me to stop arguing. Then he spent about 3 months moving in and out of my bed. A night alone and then back to my bed. This totally screwed with my head...I kept thinking, he is bi, ok we can work with this, maybe we can un marry civil or just see what happens. BUT this changed. New year he begged me to go with him to his parents for family get together. He told his parents we had made up, then got home and “ended it” for the 40th time, moved into back room, set up Grindr like site, used sons mobile to access this.

    I confronted him, he denied, told me I hacked account and any other excuse. While we did this he got son to video this. In the morning he was sad, but I could not touch him, years of dishonesty and lies. Physical, emotional and financial abuse that I hoped he would work through with me, I thought he loved me, even if we were not be together. I thought he respected me, even if he did not love me.

    our daughter found out, blames me for this and told me I was horrible in the worst ways possitble ( by phone). A day later I tried to suicide. 

    So, after taking all the time to find help, he spends all hi time chatting and going to men’s places ........does not want to be home or take time out to be with his son. So uhhhh.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to Tired of being

    Sorry to be so striaght down the line TOB, but I think if it is at all possible you need to move out ASAP. It's turned toxic now for your mental health & bi or not bi, he is behaving cruelly and it is pushing you to the brink. Your self esteem was at 0 months ago and it's only got worse. You deserve so much more than this, and you can find love with someone else.

    I understand what it feels like to be used and left in the dust like a fool. I was told that the women I loved had separated from her husband, that she has never loved him, that she has been miserable for years and that it was a business marriage centred around their careers. All it was was lies she spun me, and their built up resentment festered over years, because from day 1 of their relationship they have had intimacy problems. I was the temporary plug to their intimacy problems. But what I've realised is that the people that do that, don't even care. They don't even think about you. They're self focused and have always been self focused, and while I thought she was different to her husband, I have realised they think the same way and are built the same. That's why they were drawn to one another. I did not even receive a lousy text message saying I am sorry. She had the nerve to say I instigated the end of our romance, when really, I did what she was about to do anyway, I could see it.

    I'm a once bitten twice shy kind of person and don't bounce back very easily, so I understand struggling and the deep hurt you're feeling. Her timing could not have been worse. I met her when my spirit was completely broken anyway and she kicked it to the curb and spat on it. I think you are there too.

    Sorry to be blunt, but I think your husband sounds really self centred. My friend was telling me how her beloved partner was burnt before she met her. I have named ppl like this iSexual. They are inherently selfish ppl, generally not affectionate or warm, not particularly interested in intimacy at all, but don't give a damn if its a women or a man they're dating, as long as it is one or the other with the fattest wallet, the nicest house, the flashiest car. She essenitially faked being bisexual to ensure she got the most money. She was not into women at all. She was a gold digger. the i i i i me me me me....iSexual. How on earth you could do that to a person is beyond me. I would separate & leave these questions for him to sort out. He is an adult.

    You're torturing yourself & you deserve better.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    6506 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to Tired of being

    Dear Tired of Being~

    Please pardon me for coming late to your thread, however reading though it I see an honest and caring person being driven so far as to want to kill herself. You wanted you temper under control, you wanted to help your then partner, you were human, considerate and kind.

    Sadly it was not a two way thing. I'm not talking abut his sexual disposition, I'm talking about kindness, consideration and trying to make life as good for the other as circumstances allow. None of these have been shown by your ex partner who has simply followed his own inclinations, no matter how hurt you are as a result, or how much his actions poison your childrens' attitudes.

    If it was me I'd not let the association continue. He needs to be ejected from your life. You have enough greif, loss and self doubt without him twisting your emotions all the time with off again on again, or blatantly seeking assignations.

    As many have told you trying to deal with this by yourself is terribly hard. Can I suggest you seek medical help (and please don't minimize the harm or trying to take your life) and also an organization that is used to the disasters under which families end: Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) would be good.

    For those times of despair the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) is knowledgeable, professional, understanding and can be a comfort.

    Excuse me rattling off phone numbers, they are there for you and contacting them is both expected and no bit deal.

    Being in isolation is a hard way to cope, may I ask if you have any family or freinds who care abut you and want to help?

    You mentioned anger. For me anger has lent me strength to continue and behave in ways I thought I was incapable. It is often good.

    I would like it if you came back and talked some more. You deserve so much more out of life

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    15 March 2019

    Thanks for the support. This journey has been a lonely one, as I dont know if anyone who is not/has not been in this position really can feel the mixed emotions i have.

    Since posting I have kicked him out- it needed police to remove him as he was so sure he could use the 'marriage' for image and 'separated' status to allow him free rein on his responsibility to family and respecting sharing a home with some one. He refused to move his clothes out of walk in robe, kept using the ensuite and even walking in underwear to get his clothes - basically giving up nothing of personal space of marriage.

    After finding his Badoo account that was sending notifications to our sons phone, me finding pictures of sexual acts- I was shattered. I knew he would be having sex, but I dont want to know about any sex -of any person/s. So after being told it was my fault by child - i was in a very dark place. I nearly succeeded in endingt it.

    He knew what I had done. But it did not work - i was unconscious for about 12 hours, I only remember him holding me by arm, my nose feeling like breaking and blood and pain. Never at any point did he call 000, only our adult daughter to say i should be committed, son was begging to call 000.

    Later I finally sought just a hug, i was so low- and the bastard tried to be initmate with me. So angry. He can do whatever with complete strangers, 'separate', but still think he is entitled to intimate contact.

    After finally seeing he just did not care ( i am so stupid) I started protecting home loan and finances- yep he did not want to do this.I did this as he threatened to take all his wage out (leaving my money in home loan and no money for house bills.

    He moved out with 1500, but still not enough - so Police called as he is violent.

    I cannot believe I tried to save him, support him and even thought we could get through this as friends.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    15 March 2019 in reply to Tired of being

    As awful as it is, and how it went down, he has done you a big favour moving out. I hope he moves on, and far away. You have to prioritise your mental health now. His disregard for your safety after an attempt...is beyond words to me. Beyond what is to be human, in fact. I find that disturbing - but not uncommon.

    Can I be frank with you. I think that you are at high risk of returning to the relationship.

    "I cannot believe I tried to save him".

    I am concerned that this has been one of the central features of how you relate to one another, and you may struggle to let go of that role as his saviour. And that it continues to reel you back in. It can be a very powerful psychological bait, and his personlaity, once upon a time, would have charmed you.

    You must be wondering to yourself the extent of his lies. How far do they go. It sounds like they can be pretty out there, and there isn't one area of his life that hasn't been lied about.

    If I was you what would hurt the most wouldn't be that he is a closeted gay anymore, now its gone this far. What would hurt the most is that even on the most basic level - he does not respect you, and probably never has.

    He sounds very opportunistic. And that he uses the hetero -married -with-kids shield to hide not only his sexuality, but other sides of him too - all for personal self centred, gain. It must be devastating to realise you could have chosen to be with someone like that, but in general, it is once they are inside an intimate relationship that the mask comes off. I promise you, you are not a fool, but he no doubt makes you feel like one.

    I have had a lesbian friend in a similar situation to you in a gay relationship and a straight friend too. They came to mind the other day when I was I reading an article in The Guardian about Alex Skeel and his girlfriends coercive control. I think that you are at risk of turning the blame on yourself, and I would urge you to seek therapy. If the law was involved its probably going to be a drawn out process. You will need support for a few years I think.

    He has used you in ever way imaginable, and broken more than your heart. But in leaving, he has done you a favour. Given time, you will see that. And that knee jerk reaction to constantly save him, will turn into a desire to put your energies into yourself, once you regain some self respect.

    It's a long painful journey. I wish you well.

    3 people found this helpful
  26. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    20 March 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Thanks everyone. I am not every going back -(Taylor Swift). It was hard in the beginning, but now the past is revealing itself.

    He has been with guys since, well he never stopped. He just put a marriage into the picture to hide himself. I really feel sorry for him - but I am so disgusted at his treatment of me. I cant fathom why he would hide who he really is - he has missed out on real relationships with men. He would have been truly happy. instead of angry and self destructive.

    If anything can be learnt from my horrendous experience- Please be yourself. People do not care if you are gay, straight, bi or any of the other labels. First and foremost you are yourself. The only people who judge are not worth your time. If your wife,husband, partner or kids have a problem with your sexuality - it is there problem. They will either get over it or not. You can be happy without them, My daughter blames me for her parents (not sure I made his lie to me) . I don't care about the sexuality - but the lies and blame on me are the deal breakers.

    So, make sure you are true to yourself. Everyone is here for you. You don't celebrate alone, so don't try to get through the rough spots alone. Reach out and you will find so many good people. Thank you everyone.

    3 people found this helpful
  27. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    21 March 2019 in reply to Tired of being

    Sorry to read that your daughter blames you. It will take time. Once she's older, and the divorce has gone through and there's been some time, she will look back with more clarity, and see that, that is an unfair judgment. Children often side with the dominant parent, male or female, if they are aggressive and intimidating. That is a very common dynamic.

    I can sense that you're looking back not so much with regret as such, but a little bewildered that all this hurt could have been avoided, if he'd just been comfortable with who is was, by you saying : If anything can be learnt from my horrendous experience- Please be yourself.

    Some people find that easier than others. The reality is that some of society may appear to be accepting of LGBTI, but huge sections haven't. %70 of people in Parramatta, the new CBD of Sydney, voted no in the ME vote. I was on a crowded bus the other day, and that bus route goes past High Schools that claim to have the smartest teenagers in NSW. So they say. The 'F" word with 2 'G's in it was being used as an insult to other teenagers..........being different isn't easy.

    To be honest Tired of Being, Gay, Straight, Bi, Pink, Purple or Green........he's not a nice person. You're better off without him.

    Once you get your self respect back, you will see that.

    I'm sure you're a fun, smart, attractive, curious women, you deserve that to be reflected back to you with another bloke that respects you, and makes you feel desired and wanted.

    The financial and legal side of things will be really stressful. You need your own living space and privacy but even more, safety and security. I hope you find it.

    Def

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    70 posts
    22 March 2019 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Hey Def!

    I am sorry it has taken a while to reply.I do appreciate your insight and it has helped greatly. We are still at a point of acceptance.

    I don't know whether I am being a fool,but regardless of intimacy, I can't imagine my life without him.Its like he divulged his secret and then decided, nah I'm actually bi?

    Am I too forgiving? I honestly still love him.He is doing well with his health,so that helps.He seems to be trying to rekindle the romance with me.

    We have separated, but still live together.I have protected myself financially, but I really don't know where it will lead.Heartache or what???.Answers not asked for or expected, just input and ideas.

    Thanks for listening.

    Ruby 2

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    71 posts
    22 March 2019 in reply to Ruby 2

    Hi Ruby2,

    You haven't divulged what you're husbands coming out story was, or how you found out. Did he meet someone? have casual encounters and you found out, or were there problems in the bedroom and the conversation got rolling from there. I''m not sure what same sex experiences he has had.

    I just think that him trying to brush it off, and tell you that he wasn't going to end a 40 year marriage for a 'sex act' was a bit of a cop out. Sorry to be harsh to your husband. I really feel for him with his breakdown. I've had several myself, coming to terms with a very dark childhood, and like him I was in hospital for about 6 weeks. They are tough things to recover from, you are wracked with shame.

    But seriously, you're a smart lady, if that was me, I'd be pretty cranky and just be like, "don't insult my emotional intelligence buddy" it just seems like his body and mind has responded very severely to what he now says, is bisexuality. Has it really been tested? I mean has he been with a man where there is the physical, but also the emotional closeness and connection. Because sometimes life can surprise you, and someone will fall out of the sky, and test his theory of a 'sex act'. It would be so awful if you had to relive this all over again in 2 years time, once you'd helped him get on his feet and recover from his breakdown. I just think that curiosity will get the best of him, or depression, and he will seek release exploring with men online or out in the world.

    I guess its up to you guys to have the tough talks, of is it an open relationship etc, can you trust him.

    There's a reason why your husband has stayed coseted for so many years. I guess if I was you Ruby that is what would keep me up at night. I would wonder to myself, is he with me because it's safe, known and he can have the best of both worlds, shielded behind a hetero marriage. Of course he doesn't want to leave the marriage, or he would have had the strength to face his sexuality decades ago.

    But at the end of the day these are his problems. I'm sure he is your best friend, but you are not his mother. I guess you have to ask yourself will you resent him years later, and will this subconscioulsy eat away at your confidence and self esteem knowing that he could be fantasising about men from the safety of suburban respectability.

    Really tough Q's Ruby. You need some nights out with some friends and a few wines without him.

    Def

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Tired of being
    Tired of being  avatar
    8 posts
    24 March 2019

    Hi Ruby & everyone

    Living with a partner who is gay/bi is not an easy prospect. I think that since you have been lied to - you will ultimately be afraid that he will do this again. In my case, the distance was gradual until I was not part of a couple. He needed me to be his 'marriage & kids', but did not really need me. Any other female would have filled this position.

    Negatives of staying-

    He kept me from having'real' relationships. If he was truthful to you earlier, I would have had the confidence to find another partner to share my joy of life.

    Living this half life is like donating your life to him, with no 'prize' for being the faithful wife.

    I was living a half life, planning a retirement and the whole future with him.

    I was being starved of love and all that entailed. While he was just enjoying having everything - Baboo, nightly hook ups, some one to keep house, sneaky relationships with his boyfriends and having the chance to crack on to my friends boyfriends.

    I now have to do more STI checks. I have been putting this off as I am scared of the amount of people he has been with in the last year (about 50-100).

    No matter how much you try to save him - help him through it, he is the one that must want to do it. Get him talking to some others - counsellors and people who can really help him.

    Sorry to be harsh, but long term you have to look at what is best for you. I have been working with professionals to deal with the negative feelings about myself. ?Why me? Maybe I can save this and have my husband back- even if it means that i dont have sex.......I compromised and so did he.

    1 person found this helpful

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