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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I'm attracted to my same sex freind

Topic: I'm attracted to my same sex freind

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Byzantium
    Byzantium avatar
    2 posts
    18 September 2018

    Hello, firstly thank you for taking the time to read this.

    Until this year i have never really considered myself anything other than straight. The fact of the matter is now i don't know that i am and in all honesty that is slightly scary. I do not see myself as homophobic or anything of that nature i just never expected myself to have such strong feeling towards someone of the same gender.

    In reality i think i do still feel some shame and i'm not exactly sure why that is. I have known this person for many years and are very good friends. i have only felt this way this year. I think its also important to note i'm 18 so its not the first time i have ever found myself attracted to someone.

    Really i am just scared because i don't want to say anything in case i do end up losing them altogether, the thought of that is horrifying. But at the same time i feel like bottling up my feelings is not doing wonders for my mental health.

    I really don't know what i'm expecting in any replies. I just feel stuck right now.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15070 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to Byzantium

    Hello Byzantium, welcome to the site and feel a need to reply back to you as no one else has had the time.

    I apologise for that but it can happen when the site is busy, however, if you have feelings for your friend isn't that the clue you are waiting for and perhaps you could talk this over with a counsellor, and please don't be afraid of doing this, they are there to help you, me and all the other people.

    What would happen if anybody goes to a counsellor and tells them about something which they are embarrassed to tell a friend/family member, would the counsellor tell them to go, of course not, so the same principle applies to you.

    People don’t decide who they’re attracted to, and treatment or any persuasion won’t change a person’s sexual orientation.

    What you could do is wait 2 weeks before you say anything and if your attraction grows during that time, then perhaps your feelings are sincere, and what you can't do is keep this all to yourself, if you do, then it's no different to having a pot on the stove and watch it slowly boil, don't let this happen.

    Your feelings are there, maybe his are as well, but too scared to mention it, you could be on the same track, so what I would do is keep talking with him about singers, celebrities you have just found out they're gay or lesbian, you will know from what he has to say whether or not he feels the same as you do.

    Good luck.

    Geoff.


    2 people found this helpful
  3. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to Byzantium

    Hello Byzantium,

    Thanks for having the courage to post about your feelings.

    What you have described is extremely common, and there are often people on the forums writing about similar dilemmas.

    So you are definitely not alone.

    When I was around your age, the exact same thing happened to me, and I was terrified of making a move or telling my friend my feelings in case it ruined everything with the friendship.

    I think what was going for me was that I was waking up to my sexuality (I'm lesbian), and although my feelings at the time felt they were developing for my close friend, it was probably more because we spent so much time together, and I was waking up to my feelings for girls.

    In my case, she got a boyfriend and it was obvious we weren't supposed to be together, and I moved on, but we are friends to this day (two decades later).

    That being said, your friend may be attracted to you as well ... but I would be very wary of saying something if you think it will ruin your friendship.

    Have a look at QLife online, they have lgbtqi+ counsellors you can talk to judgememt-free about any confusing feelings you're having. Other lgbti people on the forums have highly recommended them (I haven't used them). It might just help to talk about your feelings with them and get a bit of feedback, and it will release those feelings of keeping it all bottled up inside.

    You are very welcome to keep talking here as well. I am always happy to talk with you, Byzantium.

    🌻birdy

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Byzantium
    Byzantium avatar
    2 posts
    21 September 2018 in reply to Birdy77

    While replying to birdy77’s post thank you both for responding.

    I think what you mentioned about just mentioning it out loud (even if over the internet anonymously) really does make a difference.

    As stupid as it may sound just directly hearing that someone else has had someone similar happen makes me feel a lot better. Even though I’m aware it probably would happen to lots of people.

    Thank you for the recommendation on Qlife, I have checked it out and again it’s just being reassured that really makes me feel just that much better.

    Ive decided I’m going to talk to one of my other close freinds who I am sure would be there to support me.

    Just for clarification I should also mention I have already sat on these feelings for a few months now because I wasn’t sure what to do with them.

    So my plan is not to let my feelings boil over and do something to address it at least.

    So really just a big thank you for responding it has made a difference for me and I feel much better overall.

    -Byzantium

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    28 September 2018 in reply to Byzantium

    Dear Byzantium,

    It is so good to hear that you are feeling a little bit better about things, even just for hearing directly from another who has been in your situation.

    It can be so comforting to hear another person say "I knkw exactly how you feel, I've been there too ..."

    I hope you have been met with understanding and supportive gentleness if you have disclosed to your other friend about your feelings for your same-sex friend.

    If not, you know there are people you can turn to e.g. QLife, us here, if you ever feel like talking or having some extra support.

    Take good care of yourself Byzantium.

    🌻birdy

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Harmonia
    Harmonia avatar
    2 posts
    10 October 2018 in reply to Byzantium
    Hi Byzantium. :)

    I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier! I just wanted to write a quick comment to say that I experienced something similar to this. I was very sure (without a doubt) that I was straight up until the age of 20. When I began to question whether or not I could be 'into' the same sex, I still didn't think I could be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. I am now however, in a relationship with someone of the same sex and it definitely feels right and I am definitely in love. I never felt any feelings of homophobia towards others and I originally felt fine about the idea of being into the same sex, however I have also grown ashamed and have apparent internalised homophobia I was not prepared for, and boy does it hurt. I personally am about to start talking to a psychologist about this as I have not been able to work through it on my own.
    I have been in my current relationship for almost a year and although it feels right, I am honestly still confused about how I went from being so sure I was straight, to where I am now. Had someone told me I would end up dating someone of the same sex, I would never have believed them.
    My relationship is with a girl who was one of my best friends before. She was the girl that made me question my sexuality. I was lucky in that she was bisexual and I knew that, and we had a strong connection, so after some flirting, our relationship came about organically. If it means anything to your situation, I still feel very straight aside from this one girl. She is the first girl I have ever trusted which might have something to do with that. I've always had issues with women and girls in my life, which possibly held back any knowledge of attraction to girls in my life (but who knows! definitely getting carried away here!) Anything you're feeling is completely normal for you to feel.
    I doubt this post had anything helpful in it as I am still very confused myself! But I just wanted you to know there's another person out there who experienced something similar to you! Good luck!! You never know where you'll be in a few years and no matter how terrifying and confusing this all gets, there will come a day when it all becomes clearer to you. I hope the shame subsides and I wish there were more sympathy out there for people in your situation and people who are questioning. :)
    1 person found this helpful

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