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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I came out but nit sure what's the next step

Topic: I came out but nit sure what's the next step

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. NutSure
    NutSure avatar
    4 posts
    4 January 2021
    Hi,
    Its really nice to read all the posts here which made me stronger each day I read them for past 2 years at least. Here is my story which I wanted to share as I dont have many people around me with whom I can share this. I am 33 year old and have been struggling like many to accept my sexualty for last 20 years or so. Always sidelined the thoughts and actions as a curiosity but after moving in to Au and getting more and more exposure and knowledge about the facts I realised and settled down with myself that I am gay and it took me quite a few years to utter that to myself and make my body and mind accept that. And reading all those stories over here in this forum gave me so much of strength that I finally confessed to my wife yesterday that I think I am gay and to my sheer surprise she reacted abnormally ok, and she is fine with that and I told her that I had never cheated on her for last 8 years of our marriage (which is the truth). I have had attraction towards many men but I warded off those thoughts just because I am married to her. I afraid she is taking things very lightly, and the only thing she asked me if that was the reason why I have not been bothered for not having sex with her for last couple of years, though she have been not keeping well physically which contributes to that fact too along with my disinterest. I am not sure what's going to be the next step as currently she is ok to stay with me and I also have not thought what to do next because I was not sure what her reaction will be. We have a 2 year old boy which we have to take care of. And we don't have nay family near us. So just wanting to know if any one have a similar situation and anything I can do to help my mental state, though must say a big burden has been released and I dont think I can come out to anyone else in my family now or ever for that matter
    2 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9207 posts
    4 January 2021 in reply to NutSure
    Hi, welcome

    Congratulation in coming out, a big step.

    Your biggest issue as I see it is your wife's next step. Is she happy for you to have male lovers? Is she prepared to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere and keep the marriage together?

    That is the conversation you need to have imo.

    As for family members and friends- is there a need to come out with them? If not then why? By all means do so if you'd like to not hold secrets.

    All the best

    TonyWK

  3. NutSure
    NutSure avatar
    4 posts
    4 January 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    Thanks for responding, I don't think she is happy for me to have a male lovers, her expectation at this point of time is even if I am gay we can still continue our relationship, and she thinks sex is not an integral part so we can live without that, which we have been for last 2 years in a completely sexless marriage. Though she said that in case I need to explore my feelings I might go out and experience at let's say in clubs or bars but I am not getting a lover as such for which I have to break this marriage. She herself also doesn't have much idea what to tell me or expect from me apart from the fact she respects the fact that I am gay and neither do I, as this point in time I don't have a male lover because I have been suppressing my feelings for long to avoid such encounters. Hence unsure about the future a lot, and likely thinking of going to a psychologist to talk about this and think about a good next step. In either case I don't think this is yet running in her mind to consider a separation and I have been questioning myself what should I do, hoping that you will understand my mental dilemma

  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9207 posts
    4 January 2021 in reply to NutSure
    Yes, it is a dilemma, the dilemma being uncertainty.

    My view is that a relationship councillor would be preferable in the first instance rather than a psychologist, but it would just be my preference only.

    I'm a bit lost otherwise as to how I can help you. However your journey of your sexuality should be a positive one as you discover more and more of yourself. The challenge is if and how to go forward with your wife in your plans.

    I'm sorry I can't be if any further help. Hoping another member chips in.

    TonyWK
  5. NutSure
    NutSure avatar
    4 posts
    5 January 2021 in reply to white knight
    thank you again, I will try to get an appointment with a relationship councillor. yesterday night was a crying episode, as I think she is slowly realising that she can't have me anymore in her life and at the same point she wants me to live my life. We were discussing how we will let our families know about our separation without disclosing my sexual orientation as I belong to a very conservative society and hence we dont see any reasons to share this with them but the thought of this separation is killing me and I so much feel for her but at the same time I know I can't give her what she deserves or I can't be full me. Its so much difficult to take all of this in, with baby, wife and families, I wish I realised that I am gay before this marriage itself so I could have saved all this pain for both of us. She can't be in AU and she needs to go back to India to her parents and with all this Covid situation every day is feeling like a Year, every morning we wake up with things running in our mind and some level of awkwardness around us. It feels so heavy all the time I don't know how I am going to handle all this, and all the questions that will be bombarded to us and my wife is worried about the society solely because we belong to such a conservative society. Deliberating whether I did the right thing or not to come out, its going to be another really painful and difficult journey not sure I have strengths to face and go through this.
  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    5 January 2021 in reply to NutSure
    Hi NutSure,

    We're sorry to hear how heavy you are feeling but we want you to know we admire the strength you have shown by reaching out here as you have.

    Please know there is always help available to you. You can phone the mental health professionals at our support service 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or webchat or email them via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

    You might also like to talk to our friends at QLife. They're available from 3pm to midnight (AEDT) every day by phone on 1800 184 527 or webchat. They also have a lot of handy resources on their website that you might like to explore: https://qlife.org.au/

    Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
  7. NutSure
    NutSure avatar
    4 posts
    25 January 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Hello I am here again, still in the midst of everything. Wife is behaving the way I can't understand, some days she is behaving as if nothing has changed and some days she is upset. I told my father in law about my sexuality to which he responded kind of ok, have no issues but I am not sure he understands it well ( just because his knowledge of this i guess) he still thinks we can stay in this marriage and I have to think about my baby and forget all the mental pain and stress I am going through. Even my wife someday ask me are we going to get separated to which I just only give a blank look, because I thought I had already made that very clear and things doesn't seem to move anywhere. And her psychologist talked to her about spousal support and all so during her bad mood she lashes at me and talks to me about that and tells me that she can make it ugly which I have no clue where it is coming from. As we can't travel back to my country now, so we are staying together in the same house and she demands me sometime that I need to take her and drop her in our country as she can't go alone with the baby. And I know I can't go as I can't comeback for sometime which will make my work situation difficult. So in the midst of all this I am again not sure what I should be doing, where my life is headed etc...

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