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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I don't know who I am anymore

Topic: I don't know who I am anymore

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. No_Idea
    No_Idea avatar
    2 posts
    2 September 2021

    I'm a 28 yr old male. I'm scared and confused. Short version; I think i like being in women's clothing. Today I've been wearing nail polish for the first time because I wanted to and every time I see my nails, i feel slightly happy inside.

    Longer version; I thought I knew who I was growing up. But recently I've been questioning it. Looking back, I remember in my teens I wasn't sure where I was in the sexual orientation category, straight, gay or bi. I was always called gay from family and others and it would always get to me.I'm not and I can say that with complete certainty. But I did like wearing my sisters' clothing. I would wonder what it would be like to be a girl, even came up with a name I'd use. Always thought penises were gross as well. I get jealous of women because I want to be able to be pretty and beautiful like they are. I'm scared of what the future holds and what I emotional need. I have a daughter and don't want her to grow up feeling like she has to hide whoever she ends up being, because I was too scared to be who I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I know that if I do change somehow, my family will be understanding, but it's the 'I told you' and 'I already knew that'. Because they don't know. I'm not what they jokingly called me. I am attracted to the opposite gender. I just want to be able to be one of them too. I'm so confused. It's really hit hard in the last few days and I don't know why. I've been on the verge of tears numerous times now.

    I don't know if this is easy to follow, or just jumbled bits of information. But I just needed to put it out there

  2. HappyHelper88
    Community Champion
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    HappyHelper88 avatar
    83 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Hi No_idea

    Welcome to the forum and thankyou so much for sharing, i know you may feel confused and it can be a scary feeling for you but you definitely are not alone. I can relate in a way Growing up and having identity issues, not knowing who i am, where i am going, what i am doing its a really confusing thing. Stay true to yourself and please remember things will get easy over time, you will get more clarity eventually just keep going with your head up. Also if you need someone to talk to the forum community is always here, there is also Q life who offers some free support for LGBTI call them anytime they would be happy to help you

    i hope this helps

  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1554 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Hi and welcome :)

    I love that you painted your nails because you wanted to, and that it brought you happiness. It is hard and confusing when we’ve been conditioned by society to believe we have to fit into boxes, and we’re not sure where we fit.

    It sounds like your daughter has given you a reason to explore your identity more fully, and I hope it’s been helpful to be able to express your thoughts here. Are you able to think of any particular reason why you may have felt teary lately?

    Kind thoughts, Katy

  4. No_Idea
    No_Idea avatar
    2 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    I believe I felt teary as I don't know what the future holds for me and I don't know what I am at the moment. I got quite emotional when I live scenarios in my head.

    I also woke up this morning not thinking about any of this, but as the morning drew on, the thoughts started coming back. Now I'm just listening to music because I can't focus on anything else at the moment. Basically my life the last 3 days

    *sigh* I don't know

  5. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1554 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Hi No_Idea

    How would you feel about chatting to Qlife, as suggested, or even jumping on their website for a look? Do you think that’s something you’d find helpful?

    Im sure things do feel a bit confusing and scary at the moment, but we are here to listen and support you.

    Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    691 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Welcome to the forums no-idea .

    Hugest hug !

    No_Idea , your not alone , you probably feel isolated and alone but we are here .

    I am older mtf trans and if you wish can I suggest that you visit the " Transcendent Rainbow Cafe " on this forum . Search in the magnifying glass for that . I started posting there and chatting on page 31 . Have documented most of my journey there . Bit off topic some times ?? I will keep checking here .

    I had a huge event ( epiphany ) on 9/12/20 and Jo finally revealed . Had missed so many signposts in life . For me it is by far the best thing I have had in my life ❤ . please go & spend some time in TRC .

    I post there nearly every morning and will be so happy to keep you company as you explore your journey , whatever and however it is .

    Try to relax , my journey has been confusing & often conflicting but oh so worth it .

    Much love and hugs , Jo ❤🐾💃🌈

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2459 posts
    2 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Hello No_Idea

    I wanted to stop in and welcome you also and Jo beat me to it by inviting you to come over to the cafe and chat with us at anytime you like, if you like, here is the link:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything

    Welcome and I hope that the wonderful support from this community can help make you feel comfortable and start embracing the you that calls you.

    Hugs

    Sarah xx

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Banksy92
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    Banksy92 avatar
    62 posts
    14 September 2021

    Hi No_idea,

    I just wanted to add here that although you are feeling confused and teary, it's a positive thing that you are looking inward and thinking about who you and what you need. This can be a really emotional experience for all of us, as it's easy to put our needs aside and force ourselves to fit in with what others expect from us. But when we tune into ourselves and find the little moments of joy (like when you painted your nails) these are precious and we should explore them.

    It's great to hear your family are understanding and that you want to set a positive example about identify for your daughter.

    I agree with the other comments in this thread, that you may find similar stories to help you explore this at Q life.

    Please keep sharing and opening up where ever you feel safe and comfortable, you're not alone and we're here to support you however we can.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Taj_finn
    Taj_finn avatar
    3 posts
    14 September 2021

    Hey,

    Have you considered trying drag? Such a great way to express your self and explore your gender identity. I don't know much, but know there is always people around you to support you.

    Xx

    - T

    1 person found this helpful
  10. therising
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    therising avatar
    2115 posts
    15 September 2021 in reply to No_Idea

    Hi No_Idea

    I believe one of the most monumental things in life involves 'waking up' to who you naturally are. Can involve so many challenges. I've found waking up to be such a gradual process, discovering it's often the ongoing challenges which lead you to graduate to coming to know yourself much better.

    For me, it was about 16 years ago that I suddenly came out of many years in depression. It felt like I'd just woken up to discover a deep longing to come to know myself, others and life naturally. Yes, I'm one of those 'woo woo' gals who seeks a better understanding of not just mental and physical aspects but also soulful aspects. It was very exciting until the challenges became too great and I didn't have a mentor to help me get through. I couldn't manage the challenges that came with being labelled as 'weird', 'ridiculous' (ridiculed as a joke), 'ignorant' and more. I suppressed my longing, in order to fit in, and gradually began to become depressed again. A few years ago, I met a spiritual coach, who changed my life and got me back on track.

    The reason for me mentioning all this relates to how life can sometimes naturally go when we begin to wake up to who we truly are. You can begin to question who you are and who you are not. A lot of questioning. You graduate to coming to know yourself better this way. You can question others in order to gain a clearer perspective, perhaps getting a feel for whether you'll be accepted or rejected (aka 'The process of finding the tribe you best vibe with'). Questioning others in order to gain guidance can be another factor. Bit of a warning: While you may possess and open mind, you soon find the people who don't. With an open mind, be careful of what you let in. Anything that feels wrong must be questioned (degradation, ridicule, depressing stuff etc). Anything that feels right, let in and explore. Sounds like the nail polish feels right as it brings you joy, something you love to feel.

    I've found there can be significant 'graduation' points which typically do involve a lot of tears. I've come to discover these happen when there's a part of myself I have to let go of, say goodbye to. One involved being challenged to let go of the fearful constant people pleaser in me, who I'd lived with the whole of my life. You can grieve as that sense of self dies off through ongoing sufferance (unable to please everyone). Then, the part of you that won't tolerate nonsense from anyone suddenly comes to life, in its place.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    691 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to therising

    0530 , Therising , you are so incredibly inspiring and have such broad perception . Just want to say thank you , thank you , thank you . Your timing is impeccable . A part of your post above fits my journey perfectly at this time . This is not the first time either xxxxxxx many hugs . Thank you .

    Jo& LD ( little dog ) xxxxx hugs ❤❤❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀

  12. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2115 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo & LD

    I'm so glad you can identify where you are at this point on your journey. Makes a massive difference when you can get your bearings. Up until such a point, you can be left feeling so lost and sometimes so incredibly sad.

    I feel blessed to have found guidance in life, truly blessed. Without such guidance life would be such a different story. What I learn I pass on. One of the most significant things I've learned from such people is - you can feel your way through life. You can feel when something inspires you or resonates with you. You can feel 'True north', the right direction, and it feels amazing. You can also feel when things are 'heading south', not such a great feeling, that's for sure. Sounds a little strange but you can also feel when it is that you can't feel ('numb' has a definite feeling to it). By the way, we can have the most inspiring person on the face of the planet try to inspire us but we may not feel inspiration. A lot of people may say 'What's wrong with you, why can't you feel such inspiration?' Truth is if it's not there, it's basically just not there. You can't feel what's not there. Later the same day you can have the most uninspiring person say something to you and it suddenly hits the spot. You know it does because you feel it. I spent 15 or so years in depression not feeling inspiration but when I finally felt it, boy was it mind altering.

    I do believe one of the greatest challenges for a sensitive is to stay sensitive. In a world that dictates 'Toughen up' and in a world that dictates 'Stop questioning so much', we are challenged to become insensitive and thoughtless. I much prefer to feel and wonder, especially when there is so much to wonder about in this world. I'm glad to know I share this world with you Jo, another sensitive soul.

    :)

  13. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    691 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to therising

    Beautiful morning , thank you again " therising " . It is such a radiant feeling when words or meaning pops up for one . Thank you again xxx

    I had not found the vision of feeling ones way , that is so perfect . I have developed a healthy use for procrastination ( not long term , just in park till I feel ( light bulb )) . On this beautiful journey so late in life it has served me well .

    Much love to you , take care until next we meet ❤❤❤

    Jo&LD ( we post in Transcendent Rainbow Cafe most days xxx ) ❤🐾💃🌈🌛💤☀🌠

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