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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / In a position where I have to finally tell my dad I'm trans.

Topic: In a position where I have to finally tell my dad I'm trans.

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. DireVi
    DireVi avatar
    3 posts
    11 November 2020

    I've known I was trans for about 4 years, but have never had the guts to tell my dad. He's a very strange mix of ignorantly transphobic and loving. With my mum it's really simple, because she's just purely transphobic and hateful so I don't even care about her reaction as it won't affect me. I live out of home so I'm safe from any of their reactions, but it's still extremely hard. I've been writing a letter for weeks now, trying to get it perfect before I send it to my dad.

    How am I meant to even do something like this? I don't think I've ever done something that had such potential to completely change my life. Because I know that if he treats me poorly, I will probably not speak to him for a very long time, and I also know that there's a chance that he will disown me (just based on things he's said in the past).

    So in my mind it's an extremely intense situation to be put in. I've always seen my dad as loving, and he's the only family member I trust - but this might change all of that. All of this has come to a head due to the fact that I need to tell him now, or else things are going to become very confusing for him, as this Friday I'm sending off my legal name change forms and am beginning voice training.

    Sorry for all the text. This is just a super intense time for me.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9207 posts
    11 November 2020 in reply to DireVi
    Hi DireVi

    Firstly thankyou for your courage.

    I'll be frank and honest- you might need to tell him face to face and cut the conversation short "...Im leaving now dad, I prefer to let you sleep on it for a few days before you condemn me too much".

    He may not be able to value his love for you immediately and might say things he'll regret. So a short mention and terminate it before it gets to the hurting each other phase.

    Please allow for the difficulties he and others will face. These hurdles often don't have anything to do with "love" but everything to do with their own alteration of mind in their endeavor to accept.

    I wish you well in your transition with name change etc. I'm sure you'll be so fulfilled to be YOU. Give him time, accept he might reject...but expression of love for him constantly regardless of his rejection is a good move. It isn't your fault....it isn't your fault...

    GOOGLE this please

    beyondblue topic you are still a jigsaw piece

    TonyWK
  3. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    388 posts
    11 November 2020 in reply to DireVi

    Hello DireVi,

    You in an incredibly difficult position. But I really am happy that from this Friday, you'll be on the path to reclaiming your identity.

    I see you're writing a letter to your dad. I wonder if there is a reason for that, as opposed to a face-to-face meeting? Sometimes, having these difficult conversations in person is better than a letter.

    About the conversation or letter (whichever you choose to proceed with), while the main aim is to tell him you are trans, how about also telling him how much you trust and love him as your dad, and that you hope he will be able to accept your decision once he has time to process it? There is the chance he may take it badly and that's something you'll have to mentally prepare yourself for. But one bad reaction here doesn't mean that all is lost. People have difficult relationship with their parents for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, over the years, they reconcile, and that's something you could work on as time goes by. He is transphobic now because of ignorance, but maybe that ignorance is because of his unfamiliarity with what being trans is about. And as he gets used to the idea that his child is a trans person, he may begin to realise you are and have been the same child he had always.

    I hope you have a good support network around you, DireVi. If your dad does take it badly, please confide in these people.

    Feel free to share how it goes in this forum as well, our members may be able to offer support too.

    Kindly,
    M

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