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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Just realised my dad is gay and thats why he hates me

Topic: Just realised my dad is gay and thats why he hates me

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    5 March 2018
    yeah, just realised my dad is gay and thats why he's hated me my whole life because he saw it in me too. Years of emotional and physical abuse that have made me hate myself too. Now Ive created a life that everyone else wanted me to have with a wife and family, and yet I feel lonely and hate myself. Recently Ive started self harming just to see what it would feel like. I do want to die. Ive been seeing 2 therapists each week for the past few months, they just keep bringing up more and more issues. My wifes coming soon, so I will have to put on a fake face to hide the emptiness inside.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    7 March 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    Hi Johnny,

    I'm sorry your thread snuck through without a reply. I like that you've reached out and posted a little more though.

    You are very welcome here. For now you may pretend to your family but here you are safe to be yourself. Noone is going to judge or hurt you here.

    Have you told anyone else about your sexuality? Is it something you feel like one day you can open up about? I think many people here will relate to your story. It is hard to go against what our families want (even without abuse) so I feel that the path you've taken is understandable. Regardless of what your father felt you can't pretend away your sexuality. It is what it is.

    I really do think you need to talk to your therapist about managing your self harm and feelings of self hatred.

    Do you ever wonder if the way you feel now is your heart and mind and body telling you it is time to make changes? I know at my worst I sat on the floor of the kitchen and realised if nothing changed I was going to die in time.

    I hope you can keep writing here and at least have a few outlets in your life where you can shout out how you feel.

    Nat

  3. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    7 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat

    Thanks for you reply.

    I saw my therapist today and feel much better.

    I told my wife about my sexuality, and when I did I was expecting and prepared that she would want to separate but instead she wants to try to make it work. We have been together a long time, 20years, and I have cheated on her the last 2, which is a long time but in comparison to other people in similar situations, its a relatively new thing I've been exploring. We also have young children, so I feel I owe it to her to try to make it work. At the moment we have agreed to be monogamous.

    I do know that it is my soul that is seeking the truth. I have worked this through with my therapist but life is much more complicated then that. Its one thing to admit I am gay, its another thing to change your whole life around. My wife and I have many ties together, family, property, and business.

    I've spoken to my therapist about the self harm, and its under control. The self hate is pretty complex, but I am working on it.

    I have not really come out to anyone else. I do not have any close friends and no family that I am in contact with, so not really anyone I need to tell. My wife did tell a mutual friend, but it's not someone I see regularly. I have joined an online support group and do email a guy from the group that is in a similar situation. Generally I am very lonely, and that is part of reason that I started exploring my sexuality, and of course because I liked it, lol.

    Thanks again :)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    8 March 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    Dear Johnny_11~

    Life does not always make things easy. You have been handed a pretty hard situation to cope with - as too does your wife I'd imagine. 20 years together is a whole lifetime and not something to be discarded lightly. Breaking up is pretty terrible for everyone.

    I have to say you sound sensible and restrained and someone who does care for others and look to your obligations, not someone that needs to feel contempt or dislike for himself. The steps you are taking, remaining with your family, being in contact with a support group and talking with your therapist are all excellent. Have you been able to set out a plan as what to do if the urge to self-harm becomes overwhelming?

    I've no idea how one handles sexual orientation in this situation, so will make no comment other than to say I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be considerate on all concerned. Seeing the real you, and being open about it can only be a plus.

    Loneliness is a horrible thing, now that you have had this talk with your wife do you think there is scope for a closer friendship there? You both are in a hard situation.

    I'm sorry about your dad, I guess parents are human and being of an older generation most probably was not able to make the step you have and accept himself. It sounds as if you are the more mature of the two of you.

    On a slightly different note this Forum has a thread called:

    Forums / BB Social Zone / The Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - social space for LGBTI members

    Where members of the LGBTI community can come together for lighthearted chat. It can make a difference to simply be in a friendly atmosphere. You would be very welcome to pop in there and say hello.

    I do hope you can feel comfortable enough to return, talking with those that understand can lift a weight.

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  5. nevergiveup245
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    nevergiveup245 avatar
    25 posts
    21 March 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    It sounds like a tough situation you have there. If I may suggest a book called A Life of Unlearning by Anthony Venn Brown. It's a bit Christian, but it very similar to your situation. I have found comfort and hope when reading his story as a rather closeted queer person. Talking to a therapist can help with the self-hatred, although it has taken me years and I am still struggling with it some days. But hang in there, you will figure out a way to sort this out.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    21 March 2018 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix, thanks for your message. Yes 20 years is a long time and we have young children together. My wife is very understanding and wants us to work through this and stay in a monogamous marriage. I don't want to break up the family unit, we are all very loving, its not like we argue and fight... but am I just delaying the inevitable???

    My wife and I have a very active sex life, which is also confusing for me as I don't feel I am bi, I feel I am gay... so although I have plenty of sex with my wife, I still feel unsatisfied or an emptiness inside, she doesn't understand this.

    I will check out the thread your suggested, I think that will be really helpful.

    Thanks
    John

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    21 March 2018 in reply to nevergiveup245

    Hi nevergiveup245, thanks for your message.

    Thanks for your suggestion, I haven't read that book but I am very familiar with Anthony's story. I've watched a lot of interviews with him on youtube and have emailed him directly a couple of times. He's a great guy.

    It took me a long time to realise why I hate myself, the book "The Velvet Rage" really helped me understand why, I highly recommend it... but understanding why hasn't really helped me stop hating myself, thats going to take some time.

    Thanks
    John

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    21 March 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    Dear John~

    You said

    I don't want to break up the family unit, we are all very loving, its
    not like we argue and fight... but am I just delaying the inevitable???

    Well I can't really answer that, though I suspect in time you will find a solution you and others can live with. I think one of the things you do not really recognize about yourself is your kindness. Perhaps if you saw that more clearly you might not be as confused - or hate yourself.

    I'm glad you have a stable and loving base from which to explore the future. Haste, anger and recriminations do not make for good decisions.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    21 March 2018 in reply to Johnny_11

    Hi John,

    Just playing devil's advocate... Is staying with your wife as a spouse really fair on her or you?

    I figure if you prefer men at heart do you worry you'll end up resenting your wife for stopping you enjoying your sexuality while you are young? Do you worry one day she will resent you?

    Isn't it better to end things amicably and work as friends to raise your children than to fight against your sexuality and try to ve attracted to someone you're not?

    No need to answer any of the questions. Just throwing another viewpoint out there. I really don't like the idea of someone having sex with me out of duty and affection. If that was my hubby I really think I'd say righto off you go find a man and I'll find one who wants me too.

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