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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Scared and Confused, of how life will treat me!

Topic: Scared and Confused, of how life will treat me!

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. AMItch101
    AMItch101 avatar
    5 posts
    7 July 2018

    Hey my names Alex. This is my first time I’ve ever opened up about any of my personal feelings about anything before!

    Im 19 years old, gay, and really don’t have much to turn to for support. So here I am!

    So I honestly don’t know where to begin, I haven’t been diagnosed with any form of mental illness, but that’s probably more related to the fact I don’t go to the doctor at all for anything. But I seem to always get an overwhelming sense of sadness, when I overthink things and my mind plays out every scenario in my head, and more often then not, brings me to tears.

    I don’t know why I’ve felt this way, my family accepts me being gay, but I still can’t bring myself to allow them to witness or even be apart of that part of my life. And it truly saddens me, I was highly closeted and picked on at school, and even when I dropped out at year 10, working had been even worse, it seems every where I’ve turnt I’ve never felt like I belong. I often have fantasies of just dropping everything, work, friends, family and just honestly running away and never looking back. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone what’s going on in my life and my conversations usually, go with me ending in ‘I’m great thanks’. And I always have a great smile, but deep down I feel miserable.

    I work as a chef, and it is painful, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate it, but I feel as though I’ve got no choice, as I wasted 4 years of my life training. I find it extremely hard some days to even get up out of bed to get ready for work. And I’m honestly scared to express who I am, not only because of judgement, but I feel as though I’m ashamed of who I’ve become.

    I watch movies or tv shows, and it makes me cry to see someone have a best friend or friends in high school, as I really didn’t have anyone at all that I talked to or went through school. Ive been overweight for as long as I can remember, and can’t find any motivation to help that, I’ve been wanting to go tot the doctor for options but can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and haven’t really ever seen another LGBT person and it’s has me thinking ‘Why Me?’.

    Just writing this now brings tears to my eyes, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m scared of what my life will become, and feel as though my life isn’t going to get better.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice is greatly appreciated.


    5 people found this helpful
  2. Birdy77
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    2299 posts
    7 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Dear Alex,

    I am so glad you have reached out here for some support.

    There are many gentle people here who will listen to you and we honestly care about your wellbeing.

    I am afraid I don't have much battery on my phone, so this reply will be short for now.

    But I wanted you to know you have been heard and that we care.

    Life can get better Alex, and it will get better. Have faith in those brighter days ahead.

    At 19, life felt overwhelming for me as well, about what the future holds ... heck I sometimes still have those feelings now, 20 years later. You're not alone with those feelings.

    It's so great that you have the support of your parents. You may feel more comfortable over time, or if/when you meet that special someone, to include them in that aspect of your life.

    I see other people here recommend a service called Slide, I've never used it, but I think you can access counselling with LGBTQI psychologists ... It's worth looking into, sorry I don't know more about it, I should look it up.

    Don't despair at not having had a boyfriend yet ... I didn't find my special lady until I was in my 30s, and she's my forever, so don't feel in a rush, take your time.

    It sounds like you might be feeling a bit depressed also, so it might be a good idea to go to a GP if you can bring yourself to it, they can set you up with a mental health care plan to see a psychologist.

    If you try that QLife, that will be a good start anyway.

    I am really happy you have reached out here Alex, and would be happy to talk more to you.

    You are not alone.


    3 people found this helpful
  3. Birdy77
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    2299 posts
    7 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Hi again Alex,

    I didn't proof-read my post, and my auto correct changed QLife to "Slide" the first time I typed it.

    I meant QLife when I wrote "I see other people here recommend ..."

    Sorry about that!!

    Talk again soon I hope.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. AMItch101
    AMItch101 avatar
    5 posts
    7 July 2018 in reply to Birdy77


    Thankyou so much for your kind words. It truly means something special to me. Hearing that you went through similar issues when out were younger and have shared positivity afterwards. Shows that I need to keep hope for the future. And I’ll defintely try ‘QLife’ thanks so much for the suggestion!

    4 people found this helpful
  5. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    10 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Hey Alex, for a start you have come to right place here!

    I'm 47 and came out to my wife of 20 years just 2 mths ago, after having some pretty low and dark thoughts. I wish that I had come out when I was in my teens, but didn't/couldn't.

    Birdy has hit the nail on the head with Qlife - google them and call them (Also Birdy is awesome - has given me a lot of help and friendship on here over the last few months!!!). Qlife are open from 3pm to midnight everyday of the week, but note that they are a peer support phone help, and often you may need to try calling them several times until you actually get through. I had to call more than 6 or 7 times, but they are ace. They were recommended to me early on, and I haven't looked back.

    Also as Birdy said, go to your Dr (or go to a LGBTI friendly Dr that Qlife can recommend near where you live/work), and ask for the Mental health care plan. This means that a good portion of psychologist fees are covered by Medicare.

    And don't worry about not having a boyfriend yet! As mentioned, I'm 47 and haven't had one yet either!! I'm still living with my wife and kids, but looking at getting a place of mine over the next few months. I'm lucky, as my wife still loves me and has come to terms with who I am, and is supporting me.

    And as far as being overweight - well all I can say is join the club! I am too, and it is hard to drop the weight I know! For me, when I was 15 I was skinny as a rake, and I am convinced that my weight issue is because of the secret and stress/shame/guilt I put on myself. I put on 6-7 kgs a year until I was about 24, and ballooned out to 166 kgs. Thankfully, I've dropped a lot of that over the years, but still very much overweight too.

    I expect that now I have come out, and coming to terms with who I am, that I will lose some of the weight over time.

    I recommend you go and find someone to talk to, to work through your feelings. You need to know that you are a GREAT person, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

    Perhaps look at also joining some LGBTI groups and meeting people with similar interests. I don't know where you are located, but in Melbourne there is a whole heap of groups for LGBTI - google "team Melbourne" and you will no doubt find something to interest you. Something like the Melbourne Front Runners walking/running club - great way to meet people socially of all ages and fitness levels (and drop the weight!)

    Anyway, take care mate. Remember you are GREAT!

    Cheers Darren

    4 people found this helpful
  6. MsPurple
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    1621 posts
    10 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    HI Alex and welcome :)

    I was also recommended QLife by a mental health nurse at headspace, but I didn't use the service. I just wanted to talk about my sexuality and my mental health nurse at headspace was enough, he was awesome. You say you are 19. There is a mental health service called headspace. I have been there and I found it really good for myself. It is a free youth mental health service. . They also have an online service called eheadpsace. They are LGBT+ friendly service.

    With weight it can be hard to feel self confident if you are not confident in yourself. I found for me to lose some weight small changes helped. For example if I was hungry I'd try make healthier choices. Like having some fruit. I would also put the less healthy foods at the back of the fridge/cupboard so it was less noticable. A good website for healthy eating is it is developed by professionals and dietitians. I use this as a guide on healthy eating. I also found exercise helps with my overall health. SO now I try and walk to work when it is sunny. Don't have to do anything dramatic. I found dramatic changes don't help with weigh long term. Plus it doesn't help with self esteem. YOu are not alone with weight struggles. Over 50% of adults struggle with their weight.

    I feel your struggle with your career. I felt like I did the right thing. I went to uni, got good grades and graduated. But there are more graduates than jobs and I have struggled to get proper employment post graduation. I am 26 and I am thinking about a career change. I am terrified as I want to start feeling like a real adult. It is ok to still not be sure what you want to do. 19 is still young. I know a friend who didn't finish high school, worked as a butcher, then at 21 did a brdiging course at uni and now is a qualified nurse. You can still do what you want to do without finishing high school. Maybe look into what you would like to do and how you can get there. My suggestion is to look at the number of jobs online before signing up for a university course. I wish I had done so.

    Hope some of this was helpful. I didn't discuss sexuality much in my post because both birdie and and Online I Know already discussed it

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Alexlisa
    Alexlisa avatar
    196 posts
    12 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Hello Alex,

    I can really relate to where you're coming from and how difficult it is. It's great that you reached out here, well done!

    I just wanted to let you know what I found helpful when I was your age, as I came out when I was 17 and felt very isolated. The main thing I did was join a gay youth group. I was very nervous at first, but it felt really great to have that support and feel like I belonged somewhere. The group I was in was run by the local area health service. It had people 17-23 and was run by two older gay facilitators. We just talked, played games, were taught about safety and self-esteem and even marched in Mardi Gras together. I met a lot of people who I was friends with for a long time.

    It's tough because I don't know where you are from, but in Sydney I would contact an organisation called Twenty10. They specialise in supporting gay young people in all kinds of ways (groups, housing, health, etc) and can help you find somewhere you feel like you belong. Even if you're not in Sydney I would still contact them to ask what a similar service would be in your area. I know how isolating it can feel, but there are lots of groups out there for young gay people, especially because over time it has been recognised that it can really effect mental health.

    I know it might seem scary, but please think about it. I was very anxious about taking that step, but it was absolutely worth it and I feel like it set me up to have a more healthy view of myself being gay as I've gotten older.

    Take care,

    Alexlisa x

    3 people found this helpful
  8. Neferata
    Neferata avatar
    23 posts
    15 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Hi Alex,

    Welcome to this safe place! I too can recommend headspace for young people and I also echo the advice of others, asking for help is the first step in the path to recovery so you are on the right track. Getting the medical help you need is a fearful thing and can be intimidating, but you are worth it!

    I completely understand your fears toward your work, I am currently 25 and retraining for a new career. I came from a mining background and hated what we were doing to the world, the toxic social environment (not to mention the toxic physical environment) and I am retraining as a teacher. You are not destined for any one thing and I know how terrifying looking down the barrel of the future is but it is in your hands! You can absolutely go back and finish school, go onto tafe, uni even! Some universities have fantastic pathways for people who need a little help.

    Be safe and take care of yourself,

    2 people found this helpful
  9. AMItch101
    AMItch101 avatar
    5 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to Neferata

    Hey everyone,

    Sorry for the lack of replies I’ve sent! I am so very grateful for all the support and help that I’ve been shown here! And I am truly thankful for everyone taking their time to support me!

    And sorry about not being clear about where I live, I live in Toowoomba, Queensland. And I believe some of my stress and feelings stem from living in a smaller town, I find that there are honestly little to no, ‘LGBT’ community here. I feel as though living in a more modern, populated city will ultimately help me open up, and belong with people like me.

    I will defintely have a look at, Headspace and QLife, and all the support groups you’ve all mentioned. But I usually find it hard to open up, and let my ‘barriers’ down as you will. So just finding the words to talk to someone will be a lot harder.

    And thanks for the suggestion on my career too! I honestly can’t see me continuing ‘cheffing’ in the future. The passion I once held for it dwindled long ago and I’ve gotten to the point where o don’t even cook fro myself. And just getting out of bed is a major struggle, never knowing what I’ll be walking into daily. But other than that I’m unsure of what I want to do! Many jobs I think I’ll love doing usually involve high level education, that I regret I don’t recieve properly through school!

    Another thing is that, a girl I’ve known for years is wanting to move to Melbourne, or Brisbane and really wants to take me with. But I honestly can’t give an honest answer, I really want to live in a big city, something to constantly distract myself. And then hopefully, find and connect with people like me. But then there’s the constant fear of, will I be able to live properly, and all that! So I’m entirely unsure, on one hand it’ll be such a life-changing experince. But on the other it’ll be risky at most!

    But anyway, I’d like to say thanks again for all of you taking the time to write on here for me! It truly means the world to me!


    2 people found this helpful
  10. MsPurple
    Champion Alumni
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    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    19 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101

    Hi AMItch and thanks for coming back

    Moving can be scary. I would know. I have moved from a small country town in Victoria to Melbourne, Sydney (just for uni) and now Brisbane. I had family in Melbourne and brisbane so not as daunting, however Sydney was a big move. I am glad I gave them all a shot. It was tough, but I did it. It can be hard to make the move, but easier if you have someone you know there too. I think it is something to really think about. Make sure you have some financial security and start job hunting before moving. Even if it is something to just pay the bills while you figure out what you want to do long term.

    One youtuber I like to watch said "If you get the opportunity to move then do it, if it doesn't work out you can always move back". Now this obviously isn't applicable for all however it is soemthing I considered.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. AMItch101
    AMItch101 avatar
    5 posts
    20 July 2018 in reply to MsPurple

    Thanks MsPurple,

    Your advice on moving is greatly needed, considering you have, experienced moving to different towns before. It’s is definetly reassuring that, ‘having a place here where I can come back home too’ will help my decision in moving.

    At the moment, I’m really wanting to move to a bigger city, and it’ll be a rare if not a once in a lifetime offer to move somewhere with someone I know and trust. But just having doubts with my career and work puts a toll on having a sustainable income if I were to move.

    As much as I want to move and experience life somewhere else, I find financially, I’ll never feel I should. And I completely agree with that statement, an ex friend who passed away, always use to say ‘Do what u want now and worry about the cost later, memories can never be bought’. And I take this belief with me everywhere!

    Thanks Alex!

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Neferata
    Neferata avatar
    23 posts
    20 July 2018 in reply to AMItch101
    Welcome back Alex,

    I felt similar anxieties when I lived in rural NSW, I felt very isolated from everyone around me and alienated from the world at large. Even now back in suburbia I still feel the absence of a kind and compassionate community. I echo MsPurple's insights: moving to the big city is a big deal and everyone on the planet has anxieities when it confronts them, but at least you are not doing this alone. There are also much greater number of lgbti health services in the cities and support groups much more common!

    Best of luck, be safe.

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