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Forums / Staying well / Festering issues or moving on

Topic: Festering issues or moving on

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    29 May 2015

    We've all heard the phrases "crying over spilt milk", "drama queen", "stewing over it", etc.Some people are prone to not resolving issues as they run around and around in their minds without rest.

    But there are also other phrases like "Bringing it to a head", move on", "close the door", "shut it down" etc that is the other extreme isnt it?

    The first state of mind is a real concern for the mentally ill because, in my view from my limited experience those with mental illness often have less defining drive to resolve issues. We worry more, stew over matters more sometimes for years and years...even all our lives. This lack of resolve - where does it come from? I believe when we have this "side" condition it could come from excessive care for others either in a personal view, caring manner or compulsive thinking. Have you ever heard of someone saying "I dont think about them anymore".? Gee, wish I could stop thinking about other people more. Especially those I've had serious issues with at the workplace years ago (am now retired). I know absolutely that few people I've met would be churning over these same sorts of issues 10, 20 years later. In fact now that I have more time on my hands I have been thinking about a chap I joined the Air Force with in 1973, that I later assaulted. I was 19yo.I'm now 59yo. Go figure.

    Then there is the extreme of all of the above- ease of discounting anything that causes stress of concern. Ever met these people? They move on so quickly. A definitive mind, decisive, direct, firm and content. They are the ones in the workplace that express quickly to the troubled one "are you still talking about that- get over it". Such comments hurt us that stew over things. Do these that move on so quickly have the capacity to care? If they did wouldnt they recognise the confusion of the troubled ones? Of course they care...they just care differently and cannot fathom how anyone can think over and over about what is often a distressing topic, so repetitively. They see this behaviour as troublemaking and not fun at all. They dont realise it is a symptom of either an average thinking person that isnt happy with unresolved matters or someone with mental illness that hasnt got the capacity to find peace about topics of a distressing nature.

    The ideal is somewhere in between both extremes. But us humans are rarely in the ideal sphere. Thats why we fight each other. Better to find acceptance for others how they think. It doesnt mean they dont care..

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Indra
    Indra avatar
    180 posts
    29 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Great post Tony - my mother would be one that moves on quickly and dismisses anything that seems to be causing "trouble". She has had to deal with a lot in her own life which caused her to retreat inwards. She is also of that old school mentality that you do not express concerns or worries. It makes me feel a little sad in the fact if she had been able to communicate with myself a little better I may not have had gone through as much as I did myself. It caused a bit of a knock on effect. I am glad that BB is here as I have been able to express myself without judgement.

    Cheers, Indra 

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    29 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    This is a great post. You have so wonderful described two totally different ways that we humans think and behave.

    I certainly know people from both camps and thank you once again for your insightful post. It has helped me to greater understand some people who are in the category of acting like they don't care...it is because they think so differently and not always because they are mean and nasty!

    To me it is interesting when you meet people who have a foot in both camps!

    Thanks again Tony and thanks too Indra for sharing your thoughts on Tony's post.

    Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9754 posts
    31 May 2015 in reply to Doolhof

    Thankyou for your thankyou's. lol

    And 1000 posts for Mrs Dools....great effort.

    I great great pleasure in "hitting the nail on the head". I used to get so angry at those that can move on so quickly, believing they have no compassion. Not so. We humans are a diverse lot with actions for reasons.

    Indra, often parents react according to their childhood. Your mums parents were in a world based on their parents and grandparents. So effectively their thinking is based on the 1800's thinking. Often we are behind with evolution. We dont change quick enough to remain on board the carraige of our time. Ever wondered why some people discriminate against others (eg same sex marriage for example) yet it really is the millenium change of out time or rather our childrens time. Just many are one generation behind. another example - the Australian Republic. It will happen just a matter of when. Yet many particularly older people wont let go of the royals.

    Same with us. Your mum likely has her childhood as responsible for her "move on" ability. Leave you with the results of such a mentality.

    Tony WK

  5. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    31 May 2015 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    I hadn't noticed the 1000 posts! Yes, I guess that is quite a milestone...either that or it  just goes to prove how much I enjoy connecting with people. I am appreciating the forum here at BB. It is a great site.

    Regarding families and behaviours that are passed on, it is interesting for me to watch my nieces slowly evolve and have their own thoughts and ideas on life after having felt/believed/accepted all of their parent's beliefs.

    Sometimes it takes a determined/tough/well focused person to be able to break free from the behaviours and ideals of their parents and move on, exploring the world for themselves.

    It is sad when negatives are passed on and people don't challenge them. Just because Grandpa and Dad thought it was okay to molest their daughters, doesn't mean their son should do the same thing.

    Or if Grandma treated Grandpa like an idiot and belittled him, and her daughter did the same, it doesn't mean that is the correct way for women to treat their husbands or partners.

    Just a couple of random ideas, but I am sure you know what I mean.

    Thanks again Tony for your insight and ability to share a wonderful post!

    From Mrs. Dools

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