Firstly I would like to say that I am pleased to hear that you have given thought to a safety plan, they are so very important and so very useful .... when they are fit for purpose. What I mean by that is that I am sure it could be very easy to put together a plan, for the sake of putting names of those to call and maybe doing the exercise for the sake of the exercise and to say "yes, I have a safety plan". I also have learnt here that some people say "why would I reach for my safety plan when I want to die?" and that is maybe what you are getting at here, am I right?
Can suggest is that maybe the safety plan you have actually isn't a safety plan at all and it is a list of things that people suggest or what you "should" do or "should" call. Maybe calling someone is not the answer for you. What we do need to work out is what DOES work for you. As you say here you have had times when "you're in the midst of cursing your own existence and plotting a path to perish", can you take some time when you are not feeling so very bad to really reflect on how you have brought yourself out of these times, as you have, you have fought them and you have won. Also maybe sharing with a friend or family member who is close to you what they can do for you that works, also what most definitely does not work and what you don't want them to do or say, this can be really helpful for them to help you too.
I am not sure if this is helpful for you DrRotten but I think that one size does not fit all, and the concept of a safety plan needs to be fit for each person, not a one size fits all approach.
Have you seen the BeyondNow app, which is the suicide safety planning app. I have had a good look at it and what I like about this one is that you can do it with a person that is close to you, with a family member or close friend, if you don't have this support you can work through it with the support of Beyond Blue counsellors that can help you. The good thing about this is that not only can you put some things in there that actually work and resonate with you, that also by doing it with someone close they too can know what you need in these times and mostly what NOT to do. I don't want to come off as throwing you another safety plan to look at that is just a list, but I have put the link here if you wanted to take a look:
I hope to chat to you some more and support you through this time