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Forums / Staying well / Feeling guilty. Daughter sustained injury requiring surgery

Topic: Feeling guilty. Daughter sustained injury requiring surgery

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Tamu
    Tamu  avatar
    4 posts
    13 October 2020
    Recently, a friend of my 6 yr old daughter pushed my daughter, causing really nasty fracture of her elbow needing surgery and internal wires. I feel this guilt that I wasn’t around her at the time or didn’t supervise them playing, I feel that I could have somehow prevented it. Knowing that she suffered such a great deal, needed to be on Strong painkillers, also concerned about so much radiation she got from her xrays and so much other issues without the fault of her own, I just can’t get over it. I keep thinking about it all the time about how I let her down. Has anyone has been feeling the same? Or anyone has such experiences with their child? I’m very sad that my daughter suffered such an array of problems without the fault of her own.
  2. Ggrand
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    13 October 2020 in reply to Tamu

    Hello Tama,

    A very warm welcome to the forums..

    I am so sorry that your daughter was pushed by her playmate and has broken her elbow..

    Its hard for any mother to see their child being injured..and yes we do blame ourselves and start questioning ourselves about the accident...The problem is that we cannot be watching them every second of the day...Please try to be gentle on yourself..It wasn’t your fault that your daughter got hurt...

    Do you know if this child deliberately pushed your daughter to cause her harm, or was it caused accidentally?..Children can get very ruff in play sometimes and accidents sometimes just happen whether we’re their or not..

    I remember one of my sons was annoying me because I told him I would take him out to the pools that day... I told him to go outside and play on his bike until I was ready to take him....Not 10 minutes later he was crying in the back yard for me to come out...When I did his finger was caught in the chain...I released it and took him to the DR...he received some stitches...I had felt so guilty about that, it played on my mind for weeks, and never again I told him to play on his bike..he did so when he wanted to...My son healed, eventually my guilt disappeared...

    Things happen to our children that we have no control over..I hope your daughter heals quickly and that you also begin to realise..that no matter how much we care and try to protect our children..we can’t be with them all the time..

    Please Dear Tamu, try not to blame yourself..and be gentle on yourself..you didn’t let your daughter down..nor let yourself down..You’re a very loving, kind and caring mother..

    Sending you my kindest thoughts with care.

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  3. sunnyl20
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    208 posts
    13 October 2020 in reply to Tamu

    Hi Tamu,

    I am sorry to hear that this is causing you so much stress, it sounds like it is really consuming a lot of your energy and time. I understand that it is easier said than done, but please try not to feel guilty about what has happened. You are not at fault and it is not worth your energy to go through all of the what ifs / should haves / could haves - you cannot be by your child's side protecting them from every possible risk every minute. Accidents unfortunately do happen, especially when children play (which is obviously so important for their development and is only hindered when it is overly structured or protected). It is awful when they get hurt, but unfortunately sometimes things happen that cannot be controlled.

    I would really encourage you to try to be kind to yourself. Please don't let guilt eat away at you for something that you are not to blame for. You obviously love and care for her deeply - you have not let her down. Try not to fixate on what has happened, try to focus on what is important to you now and going forward.

    Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Tamu
    Tamu  avatar
    4 posts
    16 October 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Thanks Grandy for such encouraging words!! It made me feel better.
  5. Tamu
    Tamu  avatar
    4 posts
    16 October 2020 in reply to sunnyl20
    thanks sunnyl20 for your kind words, it has made me feel better about myself.
  6. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    16 October 2020 in reply to Tamu

    Hello Dear Tamu...

    Just popping in to see how your feeling and how is your beautiful daughter going...

    I hope your both doing good..and you are not being hard on yourself...Be gentle and please care for yourself lovely Tamu..

    my kind thoughts,

    Grandy..

  7. lonelyglassesgirl
    lonelyglassesgirl avatar
    30 posts
    17 October 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Hey Tamu,

    This sounds like such a stressful situation, and I can see why you would feel terrible, though I don't think there is any reason for you to feel guilty. When I was a kid, a similar thing happened where one of my brother's friends accidentally kicked him in the hand, breaking his finger which required extensive OT treatment -- I'm guessing the friend felt terrible about it, and now I think about it, our mum probably did too. But there is just nothing you can do; kids play games and sometimes they just accidentally hit harder than they meant, or in the wrong place, or a kid falls and lands funny. (Of course, if the other child was bullying your daughter, that's another matter -- but also not your fault.)

    Re the x-rays, my friend is a physio and she once told me modern x-rays use a LOT less radiation than in the past -- something to do with more sensitive imaging technology meaning that less radiation is required to create the image, I think. Sort of like a higher-quality camera being able to take clear photos in much lower light conditions? I'm not quite sure of the technical details! But anyway, apparently they use much less radiation than in the past (which still wasn't an excessive amount, especially for just an arm). :)

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Tamu
    Tamu  avatar
    4 posts
    17 October 2020 in reply to Ggrand
    Hi Grandy, I’m trying to stay away from those thoughts but it still haunts me every time. I still remember on the actual day when I asked her if she wanted to go to his house as he invited her for a play and then she replied “ not really”. I feel like that was a sign and I wished I had taken her thought seriously and changed my mind. I just didn’t wanted to upset the boy as he asked me to bring her to play with him and now this!!😢
  9. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16441 posts
    17 October 2020 in reply to Tamu

    Hello Tamu, thanks for coming to the site.

    We have children to love, to raise and teach them about 'the good and the bad' that happens in a world, far beyond our control, to a certain extent, protect them in every way possible, but this is impossible when they're with other people, but when something happens away from us, we tend to blame ourselves.

    This doesn't take away the love we have for them.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

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