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Forums / Staying well / To apologise or not to apologise is that the question?

Topic: To apologise or not to apologise is that the question?

  1. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12345 posts
    15 July 2021 in reply to amberlite

    AmberliteI really appreciate you sharing your insights into saying sorry.

    I too have a reaction when I feel I must say sorry but usually the words come out before I have time to think. It is a reflex .
    I now try to really listen to what has happened before I blurt out sorry.

  2. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337
    Hello to all the lovely people and D&G, awesome you crack me up and I think if we ever bumped into each other I would say sorry and you may get mad and I would again say sorry and smoke may come out of your ears and I would say so sorry and Lord only knows how it may end. I'd probably buy you a drink and after a couple we would probably have a good laugh and play role reversal cause drinking makes anything possible. Anyhow I love the BB forums because I enjoy everyones input. Quirky I agree that sorry can be an automatic reaction and for me I am going to try and catch myself doing it, to see what I mean exactly by it? keep you posted
    1 person found this helpful
  3. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to amberlite
    Hello to the sorry squad, In the shop a kid turned his trolley and his trolley hit my fingers against my trolley, the kid said nothing just opened his mouth, because he obviously didn't mean to loose control. So I said Fair Go Mate and he said Your Not My Mum, that sounded defensive but worse came when his mums arrives and asks me What Is My Problem? So I said- I am sorry but your kid can not operate the trolley without collision. She told me to blank off moron. Today my sorry was an olive branch to bridge and try to get the situation from where it was to a better situation. I could have done with some D&G chutzpah, how would you others handle the above incident??
  4. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to amberlite

    Something along the lines of...

    (directly after the reception of pain from being hit) "youch that hurt, ow" feel free to play it up a bit.

    after mum asks "what is your problem" (gesturing to the kid) "We just bumped into each other. He's ok, I'm a bit sore. How you going?"

  5. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to amberlite

    amberlite said:Hello to all the lovely people and D&G, awesome you crack me up and I think if we ever bumped into each other I would say sorry and you may get mad and I would again say sorry and smoke may come out of your ears and I would say so sorry and Lord only knows how it may end. I'd probably buy you a drink and after a couple we would probably have a good laugh and play role reversal cause drinking makes anything possible. Anyhow I love the BB forums because I enjoy everyones input. Quirky I agree that sorry can be an automatic reaction and for me I am going to try and catch myself doing it, to see what I mean exactly by it? keep you posted

    "Expressions of "sorry" that are not backed up with action, trigger anger in me."

    nah mate, I appreciate the amusing theoretical about us bumping into each other... but... after that initial bump and your sorry, I would assess if you intend to purposely bump into me again.

    If I believe you purposely intend to bump into me again, I will reject the sorry as a lie and get angrier.

    If I believe you intend to try to never bump into me again, then I will accept sorry, defuse, and maybe have a drink with you!

    If we are on a train, I'll be more accepting for example, or on the dance floor I'll be more forgiving too.

  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    17 July 2021 in reply to amberlite

    amberlite it is a tricky situation. I think you handled it well. If it had been my child I would have apologised profusely.

  7. amberlite
    amberlite avatar
    415 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Hello to all and D&G let it be the dance floor that would be great, you do you crack me up!! and

    Quirky, again my sorry soul sister I do find your outlook to be most similar to mine. A sorry in time saves nine or something like that. Funny thing I do remember as a kid reading a Lady's Deportment Book that my mother was given during her schooling. I bet your britches saying sorry and being an exemplary young lady go hand in hand. How I wish I had read the other book I found under her bed, I think it was called the joy of sex? clueless me.

  8. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
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    18 July 2021 in reply to amberlite

    Amber books under bed that is funny.

    I used to joke that I failed the school of deportment and people beleieved me. I could carry a book on my head without it falling off!!

    Sorry soul sister, soumds very moody. Maybe we could people to sincerely apologise more instead of always us sorry queens feeling bad about oversorry saying!!

  9. geoff
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    geoff avatar
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    18 July 2021 in reply to quirkywords

    Sometimes when you say sorry to your partner for having not having what could have avoided a situation, they may take it the wrong way and tell you 'don't patronize me', and you just can't win.

    Geoff.

  10. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    I have been derided for being "pedantic", i.e. you're just being pedantic.

    Indeed I was being very precisely academically correct.

    Am I supposed to be sorry for being academically correct about a subject I have extensively studied academically and am working to communicate to the other?

    So "pedantic" is a word of threat/abuse for one, and a word of determined love for me.

    Should I apologise for being "pedantic" or should they apologise for using the word as an insult? Or something other than those?

    Should perhaps neither apologise, but instead both update their own schema about the term "pedantic", such that for the learner it's less insulting, and for the teacher it's too formal for that student.

    Cause when some one tells me I am pedantic, I'm like, you bloody bet ya I am thanks for the compliment!

  11. jtjt_4862
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    jtjt_4862 avatar
    307 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    Hi david'n'goliath,

    Ever spiraling down the "sorry for being sorry", that sounds like sorryception.

    On a more serious note though, I feel if someone is constantly apologizing, even to the point of apologizing for the apologies, it's definitely debilitating to their self-confidence, and could lead to depression. It could make a person feel like, whatever they're doing is always wrong, and they have to constantly apologize for any actions that they do.

    Jt

    1 person found this helpful
  12. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    12345 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks everyone for the posts.

    Geoff yes it can be tricky when you apologise and the person takes it as patronising.

    DnG I like your new avatar .

    I also am often called pedantic or in my family they say don’t channel Pop, as my dad was like that. I think every family needs one pedantic person..

    jtjt I have learnt the hard way about over apologising and self esteem.

    In a chaotic relationship , when I stopped oversorrying and being assertive it acised more problems so I became quiet. I let the person rave on and eventually as I didn’t react they stopped. Mind you when someone is personally attacking you it is hard so I would remove myself to another room. I agree over apologising is not good for one self esteem but replying or being quiet can be challenging too. the only thing to work was end the relationship. Thanks for your comments.

  13. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    sorryception, cool man. Agents in the art of sorry identification and manipulation delve deep into superrichdudes consciousness to find out the very first time superrichdude felt sorry, then use that as a reason to split up a massive company! Epic.

    Saying sorry is one tool in the Survivors handbook : Survivors say sorry to the Abuser so that they defuse and don't hurt the victim.

    It's a survival strategy for some, gotta respect that, using ones words to survive is an intelligent thing to do!

  14. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    "Plausible denial involves the creation of power structures and chains of command loose and informal enough to be denied if necessary. " wikipedia.

    So Plausible deniability is one means that Institutions actively create so that the Institution suffers less "harm", i.e. negative effects.

    I am big corporation owner with 10,000 employees, I am not responsible for every single little thing my minions, look there in that 1000 page document where I placed conditions upon their employment that they couldn't do that irresponsible thing you say they did. Like I did my very best to train them in those 1000 pages, we spent 100 hours on it, see there is the document proving that.

    Please sir/madam don't take even one cent from my/the corporation, for restoring damages by my irresponsible employees alleged harm.

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