It's late again,
My internet connection was not working well today, so I wanted to do what I could tonight, or, let the frustration of it beat me. I hate when I get so frustrated.
I wannt to run around and smash things. I can't run, making noises such as smashing things would do would scare me, frustration angers me, anger scares me, but all I can do is cry, which also angers me, These are my emotions, my expression of them I want to have under my control..
The sensations of tears down my cheek triggers old memories, and I am angry to have such fearful and I don't know what, emotions tied to a physiological response to what is happening in my mind now. I feel all these emotions have been released to break me, like they might have once done, if I had not suppressed them back then.
That was the way I coped, so I want that ability to control and suppress back again. Not going to happen!
I have managed to endure so long, I don't want to be broken ... feels like pressure building in a volcano. I once thought that volcano was dormant.
I realised last night, my helper didn't use the QR code in the couple places we went, and then she forgot her mask. Find another support worker! I like her, but I need her to be more careful, more diligent.
& my pretty dark fit-over glasses broke yesterday, as well. My spare pair are almost broken, scratched, too from when I fell down a couple years ago. They are not pretty.
I wanted my PDr to not be away today. I don't know what I might have said, or if I want to actually say anything. I'd only be crying and trying not to, trying to breathe, feeling I am going to choke on that, too. My words get stuck anyway. There's such a mess of crap in my head, which I don't know how to put into words. I just wanted him to be 'sort of here'. Even if I could ring him, hear him say, 'Hello', and then I could feel he is that 'sort of here' sensation I feel so lost without.
I need him more than I ever want to need anyone, for anything. I hate that too.
If we change the 'Venting' to 'Ranting', my post would feel okay. Grandy, it's called an 'inner critic'. Hard to keep that inner critic from being too intrusive.
Thanks for the space.
mmMekitty, 🙀I will sleep now.💤