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Forums / Staying well / Vent and then let it go...

Topic: Vent and then let it go...

  1. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4077 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to Doolhof
    feeling so scared during lockdowns, haven't had social contact in a normal way for ages, and can't really during this time, cant see or do anything and i'm so lonely
    2 people found this helpful
  2. topsy_
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    topsy_ avatar
    1087 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Oh Sleepy, I’m so sorry it’s so tough at the moment. Lockdown is awful & I reckon it must be worse to be on your own. We haven’t been out of the house at all for 3 weeks. We supposedly only have another week to go but I bet it will be extended. That will be at least one full month totally at home indoors. Who’d have thought it could ever be like this?

    Please know that I’ll be thinking of you. I hope someone or something can lift your spirits very soon. Be gentle with yourself, T.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sleepy21
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    4 September 2021 in reply to topsy_

    Hi topsy, Ur sweet thank u. I hope it does end for u guys soon. I hope it is OK.

    I have a real struggle with this LD, it's not great living on my own in Victoria I can't do much to keep busy or see people

  4. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2688 posts
    4 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Yep , who'd have ever thought something like this in this day and age could be happening.lronically it's this day and age that helped it happen but never the less , who'd have thought.

    l hope so to sleepy and l'm sorry about your situation . lt's probably more living through computers than ever before for many of late , myself included.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to randomx

    One ongoing issue for people in our super fast changing world is lack of adaption to change.
    Back in grandpa's grandfathers' days, people would say things like "I'll catch up with you in spring."
    And nearly everyone was just fine with that.
    Then society progressed to, "Let's have a meeting in december."
    And nearly everyone was just fine with that.
    Then society moved forward to "I need to see you next week about this."
    And more people fell away, the people who weren't fine with that. Waiting instead for decembers comfort.
    Then civilisation progressed to "Our deadline for this is close of business Friday."
    And people who were fine, took on that stress, and carried the burden, whilst others avoided - for their own valid reasons. And those that were fine but stressed...
    "I'm working on this right now, I've got something else booked in 45 minutes, and my calendar is so filled up, I am scheduling in family appointments just to make sure I don't forget what I so desperately want to remember."
    And now we've got covid, and those who are time poor are now even time destitute and ragged and thin and some are breaking and some are crying and some need help even more than others... who are soldiering on - and will delay their own release until they ____?
    And all along those who are alone, or isolated, feel that whilst saying...
    "I need to chat with you now." , I’ll see u in spring.
    “I need to discuss this now.”, I’ll be over in decemember.
    “We should have a chat about this today.” I’ll be available next week.
    “I’m worried about this issue, can you help.”, We’re available on monday, call us.
    “I’m concern that this has happened.” I understand your concerns, I’ll deal with it by 5 pm friday.
    “This is an absolute disaster, ultra highest priority right now!” The systems broke, error unreceived message, fatal system crash, backups lost, hard drive failure, electricity down, cupboard empty.
    “Wow neighbour, the stuff really has hit the fan, how’s your family coping?”

    Well it’s funny you should ask but we seen this coming I’ve got food to spare with you when you need it and a garden growing and some seeds I’ve stockpiled for whomever. A bicycle for transport, rainwater. Paper books - here have this one, you already know the title.

  6. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7277 posts
    5 September 2021

    I am ready..no more

    Choose life.. I can't see it

    I yearn for this life you said I have. Its the hunger of my very soul.

  7. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1002 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to Shelll

    You are ready for living ever more.

    Close your eyes and feel your own life. Taste your tongue, smell your arm pit, that is life right there, all you, or all synergising with you. Gut bacteria digesting food for your body, funguses for you to eat and taste, fresh are to smell, polluted air to avoid. Taste your own salt from sweating in the garden!

    You are hungry for what sports people call "peak performance" or "flow". That feeling of being, of letting everything go except this exact moment, perfectly aligned in this time period, doing _____ what it is you do that makes you feel that way, that you hunger for.

    So what you hungry for? What are your needs and, your wants and, your desires?

  8. Gambit87
    Gambit87 avatar
    693 posts
    14 September 2021

    I'm annoyed at over thinking what the owners of the property im renting said yesterday! it has left me with the feeling that theyre going to sell!

    Hopefully if they do sell, the new owners will keep us on as tenants.

    But im working on moving on and not worrying about it until theres something to worry about.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Gambit87
    Gambit87 avatar
    693 posts
    14 September 2021 in reply to Gambit87

    I'm also annoyed I don't have a deposit saved for a loan! Id buy the apartment if I could.

    But - I am working on that. I appreciate that it takes time to save for a deposit.

  10. Gambit87
    Gambit87 avatar
    693 posts
    17 September 2021 in reply to Gambit87

    Our budgie escaped and my girlfriend is heartbroken :(

    It sucks not being able to heal her pain.

  11. Sleepy21
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    4077 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Gambit87

    Feeling very numb and broken

    Can't continue as I am going ow but don't see any alternatives

    Felt like I began healing but it didn't really lead to changes and improvements, all is just going backwards and I feel like I'm sinking

  12. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5647 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hey Sleepy,

    It's always good to hear from you. We're really sorry you're feeling so numb and down. We can hear you're feeling disappointed or maybe a bit hopeless with how healing has been going for you. The healing journey is seldom linear and there are times when it can seem like things are stuck or even going backwards. We want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way and we're sure there are others here who'll be able to relate to what you're going through. We have also reached out to you privately to offer extra support.

    We're so proud of you for doing all that you have for yourself and for your healing. Even if it feels like it hasn't worked, we want you to know that it has and every little or big thing you've been able to do, it all adds up. Unfortunately there are times when it just doesn't feel that way at all. We hope you're able to recognise how brave and strong you've been and be proud of yourself.

    Please remember that you are not alone and there is always hope and support available. We know that you already know about them, but please do get in touch with Lifeline if you need to talk these thoughts out (13 11 14).

    We are here for you.
  13. Emo
    Emo avatar
    222 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy21,

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I must apologise for not reaching out to you earlier. I've been dealing with a few issues of my own but that's no excuse, I should have made sure I focused on others.

    I wanted to let you know that I admire you greatly. The strength that you show while you deal with the issues in your life is to be admired. You continue to reach out to others for support when you may feel like it's not truly helping but it all contributes to making a difference.

    I completely agree with Sophie_M's comments, she is full of words of wisdom. I hope that your spirits will lift soon.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  14. Matchy69
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    5601 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy I am sorry you are struggling at the moment.You are a really loving caring person on here and give great support to many.I hope your healing journey can get back on track and I know how hard it can be and how easy it is to slip backwards.I am here if you need to talk.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  15. topsy_
    blueVoices member
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    topsy_ avatar
    1087 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Matchy69

    Hello Sleepy,

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling great right now, but I’m really glad you’ve shared that here. There’s so many people here who care for you.

    The thing I always had to be reminded of was that “you WILL get better again”. I hope that might help you too. It’s so easy to forget when we feel awful.

    Take care now, T.

  16. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7277 posts
    19 September 2021
    Feel far away. Things are happening that I don't know what to do about. Makes me sad in moments, then far away I go. Don't like the far away. Don't like the sad.
  17. Sleepy21
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    4077 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to Matchy69
    Ur all lovely, thank u. Trying to get back on track. Hard.
    1 person found this helpful
  18. topsy_
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    topsy_ avatar
    1087 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21
    Hate COVID. Hate lockdown. Hate life.
  19. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7277 posts
    21 September 2021
    Feel so sad because I think I have failed my son. I know I have not been the best mother for him. I love him so much, but I am not sure he knows it. I tell him I do. It feels like there is a film there, or like a glass wall in front of me. Any love cannot get through to him. Why can't I be the mother he needs? I want this wall to go. I want realness, no more heaviness, no more games or masks. Feel like shouting it out "I WANT REALNESS"
  20. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to topsy_

    Hi Topsy,

    I've just found this Thread, and I am asking how you feel about the colours mixing and making brown? I hope it did not distress you or discourage you, because mixing all the colours does make brown. The kind of brown differs depending upon the ratio of the mix.

    One thing my father did teach me was that if you got the portions of red, yellow and blue just right you could make grey. I did manage after much fiddling with the mix. It looked a more vibrant and 'alive' sort of grey than mixing black and white.

    Also, when making a picture, you don't have to be neat or represent every small detail. It's called the Impressionist style. There are many styles of painting, some neat and tidy, some extravagant, and look sloppy, some seem to be one or just a few areas of colour, and nothing obviously identifiable as an object, muchless its detail.

    My difficulty was that I want to both see and include detail beyond what was possible for me, and to be neat. I wanted to do more splashing around, just make feelings visual, not get stuck into making a perfect reproduction like a photocopy of a bit of my world.

    I still feel I need to 'do things right', I would like to let that go, and allow for imprecision in whatever I produce, be that in my writing, music or if I take a photo using my phone, or if I was to attempt painting again, or something new to me, like sculpture. I would like to let 'good enough' be okay, and having a go, making mistakes alright, too. If I could do that, singing with what facility I have now would be fine with me. My neighbours might not like it, but I don't like their noise either.

    Imagine if all painting looked like ultra-high photos, we would not see in these what the painter might want, not see what they were feeling, and the painting could have been done by a computer programme, via a drone or some suc.

    What you did in art therapy was intended to help you express yourself, not to see if you had high visual acuity or h heightened attention to detail. I'm sure what you did in Art Therapy was fine.

    mmMekitty

    2 people found this helpful
  21. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    22 September 2021

    I hate feeling I am saying too much when I write responses to posts I have read. I hate feeling I have to edit my writing, to correct spelling errors, to 'get things right'

    I hate having to use text-to-speech software and still finding it more convenient to zoom and see the words in order to make corrections.

    I hate that the fellow who, as a follow--up to replacing my toilet, did not wear a face mask, andshrugged it off as if it is not important to do, even though he had literally,pages of people to visit. So, he may have been here for a minute or two, and that does not seem like much, but he is going around to many places, perhaps from one end of greater Bris to the other, north, south, east and west.

    & now I will have to make another (useless) complaint to via social housing.

    I hate that I think we will still be required to wear masks indoors, unless within our own households, even with our Qld ''lessor' lockdown.

    I hate that some people seem to think doing things which will lead to longer lockdowns is worth making a point.

    I hate that COVID-19 needs to be taken seriously.

    I hate how COVID-19 is harming the mental health of so many people, myself included.

    I hate my brother all over again. I hate hating him. I hate hating all of them.

    I think, don't get me really going, I might vent until my fingers drop off.

    mmMekitty

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    8908 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    Hello Dear mmMekitty,

    Please don’t hate your writing too much words in your posts to others here...Each post you have written are very caring and supporting...as well as each post that’s posted here in BB helps many people who read only.....You are an inspiration to many people...without realising it...

    Everyone reading or posting...

    A big bunch of flowers 💐 for everyone doing it hoard today...and please try to always remember that you are all very worthy people....just doing it hard right now...and like the little fluffy clouds in the sky that continues to float across the sky changing shape constantly....our lives are always changing...each second of each day.....

    You are strong, you are beautiful, you are perfect just the way you are..

    Kind thoughts with some warm caring hugs...🧸💚🤗.

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4077 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi grand, love the support u gave to mmMeKitty

    The metaphor of clouds in the sky is a great reminder to me, our thoughts and whims are like clouds floating by....quickly replaced by new clouds.... no feeling is final, as one of mynfavouirte quotes says.

    I hear u mm kitty and topsy.

    Thank u for trusting us here and sharing with us.

  24. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5647 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi everyone,

    This is a reminder that the intention of this thread is to “vent and let it go” that is to share our thoughts in the hope it will provide us with some relief and allow us to move on. Please be aware that you may not receive a reply to your post on this thread as it is assumed you're trying to leave the thought behind you. 

    2 people found this helpful
  25. gucia6
    gucia6 avatar
    84 posts
    22 September 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    great topic

    I want to let go of resentment towards my mother, that she was not there when I needed her, that she actually pulled me down, when I needed most support.

    And towards my father, that he was not there, and when he was, he was just a silent bystander agreeing to everything, and letting the abuse continue.

    I don't want to forgive them. Not now. Not yet.

    But I want to forgive myself, for having this darkness and bad side of me.

    3 people found this helpful
  26. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    24 September 2021

    It's late again,

    My internet connection was not working well today, so I wanted to do what I could tonight, or, let the frustration of it beat me. I hate when I get so frustrated.

    I wannt to run around and smash things. I can't run, making noises such as smashing things would do would scare me, frustration angers me, anger scares me, but all I can do is cry, which also angers me, These are my emotions, my expression of them I want to have under my control..

    The sensations of tears down my cheek triggers old memories, and I am angry to have such fearful and I don't know what, emotions tied to a physiological response to what is happening in my mind now. I feel all these emotions have been released to break me, like they might have once done, if I had not suppressed them back then.

    That was the way I coped, so I want that ability to control and suppress back again. Not going to happen!

    I have managed to endure so long, I don't want to be broken ... feels like pressure building in a volcano. I once thought that volcano was dormant.

    I realised last night, my helper didn't use the QR code in the couple places we went, and then she forgot her mask. Find another support worker! I like her, but I need her to be more careful, more diligent.

    & my pretty dark fit-over glasses broke yesterday, as well. My spare pair are almost broken, scratched, too from when I fell down a couple years ago. They are not pretty.

    I wanted my PDr to not be away today. I don't know what I might have said, or if I want to actually say anything. I'd only be crying and trying not to, trying to breathe, feeling I am going to choke on that, too. My words get stuck anyway. There's such a mess of crap in my head, which I don't know how to put into words. I just wanted him to be 'sort of here'. Even if I could ring him, hear him say, 'Hello', and then I could feel he is that 'sort of here' sensation I feel so lost without.

    I need him more than I ever want to need anyone, for anything. I hate that too.

    If we change the 'Venting' to 'Ranting', my post would feel okay. Grandy, it's called an 'inner critic'. Hard to keep that inner critic from being too intrusive.

    Thanks for the space.

    mmMekitty, 🙀I will sleep now.💤

  27. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    25 September 2021 in reply to mmMekitty

    & I did too, because I was up until very, very, lat..early this morning. So I also slept in until mid-morning.

    Getting my sleep/awake times askew.

    Today, spent fully half an hour trying to find out when the latest slightly revised restrictions here in SEQld will be revised. (Surprisingly, Sept 27). So, I am better than I thought I would be. Roller coaster goes up, goes down, maybe even round and round, and then it stops, but not where I can get off.

    My mood depends on what restrictions and when???!!!! I don't like that.

    Is normalising how I am living now a good idea or not? I am uncertain, like not knowing which way to turn, for fear I won't be able to turn around and try the other way if I make a mistake.

  28. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7277 posts
    25 September 2021

    Think it is time for me to move on.....

    I messaged someone today, said all the wrong things waffled on and on. Feel absolutely foolish for what I said. Why do I do such dumb things? I am no good at communicating. Best if I just keep quiet.

    Feel like hiding away. F

  29. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    28 September 2021

    A slip of fingers on keybboard and my vent went away!

    What do I feel about that? I'm not sure. A few different emotions, like:

    Happy because it sort of feels embarrassing to see some of what I have written, & the grammatical errors, spelling mistakes that got past the editor, & even portions of the content. Even my last post here, I think I cut half of my first sentence. I want to get things right, or is it I still fear being negatively judged for all the mistakes and what's good not seen or acknowledged?

    I'm happy cause I think, a little, I did vent and let it go.

    I'm annoyed at my 'clumsy' fingers.

    I'm sad that what I just lost to my 'clumsy' fingers might have actually been something someone might have needed to hear. Now thwy can't

    I told myself, go an write and edit in a word doc before clicking 'post reply', and then, simply copy my text and paste it in the box. If I make a mistake, or my Internet connection fails, I still have my original text. Great plan if I actually bother to follow it.

    I am grumpy I don't follow my own ideas. What am I trying to do to me? It seems I am trying to keep my life as frustrating as possible.

    But I will win this one! Here goes...

  30. mmMekitty
    mmMekitty avatar
    370 posts
    29 September 2021

    I have just a few people who help me, & today one is coming to take me out for a while.

    The weather is lousy, it may well be raining soon, it's colder than I like and windy. I don't want to go. But I will because I cannot reschedule for another day. I don't even know where I want to go today, because I have to choose places outdoors, in the weather. (because of being unable to wear that mask).

    I'm doing my best to not feel miserable; it's just below the surface, like rising damp in a bathroom wall.

    It's making me tense up, tight all over.

    I know. it usually does help, for a while, when I do go out, despite how I feel. I have no enthusiasm for it, that's all.

    She'll laugh, make me laugh, and not acknowledge my deeper mood - really, the funny stuff we carry on with feels like a costume I am wearing for the day, and will fall from my shoulders when no one is looking.

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