To all who come here, I send my love to you. I have been down this road too. Often. When the body is tired and the spirit exhausted, it is hard to continue. But I know know that my depression is a full-body thing. We can all meet plain old sadness head on if we are well. It is a natural part of life. But I have one observation for you from my experiences. I had a realisation after changing medications, that my suicidal ideations were no caused by my sadness or despair.
It was the full 6-week wait for my new meds to kick in. (I could not be on the old meds and the new at the same time). It became obvious that no traumas in the world could cause such sudden grief and such black thinking; it was not logical. There was nothing more wrong with me than normal. It was my chemistry, my brain and my body that was telling me to die – not me. I waited for six weeks even though I could not stop planning my death. I survived because I realised those thoughts were not real. The doctor was right, the new meds were a better fit and were worth it.
Remember, it is our whole self – muscles, bones, fluids, and neurons that are depressed. Our thoughts are just the triggered illusion of who we are. They are not permanent. I got my body right. My chemicals and muscles eventually succumbed to treatment. Now I enjoy talk therapy and love just plain old talk.
Live for others, live for yourself and be patient and kind. Don’t fight your body, give it help. Let the thoughts of killing your body come and go. They are the natural expression of a system that is out of order. Slowly get stronger, don’t expect your thoughts to change on their own. When you are well, you will be able to embrace sadness then let that too pass in time. Believe me, that will be worth waiting for. I am emerging from the tunnel of darkness, and you may too if you see your GP, get the assistance you deserve, then exercise, and let your thoughts come and go as they will. They are not your master.