I know there is another thread but I'll answer here when you can look back on my conversation with M2. I guess they are an example where two people relate. I'm hoping that has been enough for now for M2 to see a world just a little wider than that reduced to near zero via the lens of depression. Not a big thing to hope for - but possible.
I wonder if you chose your name hoping for a bridge between your current circumstances and what could be. I hope so. Just a little hope all by itself is a wonderful thing.
I read the problems you have faced and your resultant feelings about yourself.
May I make an observation?
I am not just one set of characteristics that applies to me as one whole. If I might take an example from your writings, you have lost professional confidence, and due to your experiences with relationships, lost confidence there too. You may have gone on from that to convince yourself it is you, and you are the cause of it all. A feeling not helped by the death of your parent and consequent wondering about yourself in midst of grief and loss.
When invalided out of my vocation, told I'd never work again, and faced a life of inactive uselessness and burden to others I felt it was all the one thing. I was wrong. I -and you -are made up of many facets, and there is no need to try to get them all in order at the same time.
In my case study lead to a sneaking feeling of confidence led to employment led to more confidence allowing me to repair a relationship. and so it went on.
I admit it started with small steps when a suicidal mess, for me getting up and then others through to reading. You have taken larger steps, reducing drink is an impressive feat. A healthier lifestyle also.
These are measure that can give a little more confidence in yourself. Debt, unemployment, bad decisions and regret can all be put in their rightful place in time, not tackled head on, but indirectly.
Perhaps that desire to take your life on waking might be a place to look at? You have overcome it every day. May I ask what you did, what you thought? What else there might be -from a forthcoming event you might look forward to though to a straight physical sensation -anything (even chocolate in the next room:)
I thought of a favorite comedian, and did not want to miss an episode, at which point getting up and brushing my teeth became possible, less of an insuperable mountain
Do you think this makes any sense? If not say so and we can talk of other things.