Hi Nick's mum, welcome
What a wonderful mother you have been and always will be.
I gravitated to your post for several reasons. I'm 66yo. My late older brother suicided in 1979, my sister and myself attempted and we all have bipolar.
Guilt!. Guilt is terrible and I suffered like you. "why didnt my brother ring me? Why didnt he give any indication of his plans, his depression?". Some things in life cannot be explained yet they leave us with guilt. Sometimes guilt is so entrenched you need grief counselling, so consider it please. Eventually I accepted that I'm a mere mortal that had no control over my brothers decisions but I did have control over my own life and its direction, which led me to here in 2013 to give to other people in distress. That leads me to the best thing about all my actions to cope with these issues- distraction.
I've got a few threads helping you do this. You only need to read the first post of each. It will be worth your while dear kind mum. I've also posted a poem I've re-written for you.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-
THE HOUSE OF WAX
He was busy with the pouring
This old man’s name of Max
So I toured his workplace while he toiled
This holy house of wax
There were inventors of a kind
And starlets from the stage
There were master minds of talent
From another age
There were heroes of the wars
And leaders of a group
There were figurines of wax
From every allied troop
I stopped to admire him work
His name tag read just “Max”
“You really are a marvel
How you recreate with wax”
I focused on his one off mould
And marvelled when it set
This figure of a lady
on a forum I had met
Her arms were open wide
as if about to fly
I asked a simple question
I asked a simple “why”?
Because she is cradling her kids
Even though you cannot see
It is the stance she had
When they were young and free
He continued to work away
As his making of a sign did end
And I was in total awe
Of a mirror image of my friend
He rolled out the final cast
To place at Nick's mums feet
This house of wax curator
That I was glad to meet
He placed the sign just right
This single cast of one
The sign read appropriately
“This is the perfect mum”
Repost anytime. Talk away
TonyWK