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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / First time here and in a really bad place

Topic: First time here and in a really bad place

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Krazykat5
    Krazykat5 avatar
    2 posts
    25 August 2021

    I’m in my late 30’s and have been battling depression since I was 16 which included self harming and suicidal thoughts and attempts.

    Am in such a bad place right now. Feeling so very low and unhappy all the time and cry so much of the time. The feelings and thoughts going on inside of me are dark and scary and I can’t fight them anymore.

    The thoughts of wanting to feel numb and pain free and to stop the scary thoughts get stronger the more time this goes on for. I sick and tired of fighting this never ending battle that doesn’t ever seem to end.

    You go along thinking you’re finally going to be ok for awhile and something happens to trigger everything off again and you’re right back to where you started from.

    Is there more to life than this pain and hurt and darkness and scary thoughts that take over??

    so much has happened in the last year but I can’t seem to bounce back from it all and the usual distractions and tools that are useful aren’t working and I’m not sleeping well

    I just want to escape from this and I feel so alone

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6824 posts
    25 August 2021 in reply to Krazykat5
    Hi Krazykat5,
    We want to welcome you here first and foremost, thank you for taking a big step and sharing your personal thoughts about your situation and how difficult things have been for you. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, especially when you have been battling all your life.

    It sounds like you are in a very dark place at the moment, so we want to reach out to you privately to offer you some additional support to help you through this. We will be emailing you shortly.
    If you feel you are unsafe or that you may act upon your thoughts, this is an emergency and you should call 000 or present to your nearest emergency department.
    We would recommend calling Lifeline on 13 11 14 or suicide call back service on 1300 659 467 when you are feeling low and the thoughts are getting overwhelming.
    Sometimes things can seem the darkest before we are able to get to the other side, you are not alone and we are here to work things through with you.
  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2128 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Krazykat5

    Hi Krazykat5,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Thank you for your post and I’m so sorry you are feeling this way it must be so difficult for you.

    I understand what you are saying with the feelings and dark thoughts, I also experienced these thoughts….they really scared me……, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety OCD…. I have now recovered thanks to the help I received from health professionals….. I’m now living in the light and have been for the past 4 years…… there is HOPE that you can come through the tunnel aswell just as I have done…….

    When we go through anxiety or depression these conditions are usually accompanied by dark horrible thoughts….. I really understand ……mine were on repeat and very loud……….. now that I have recovered this has lifted for me…. It can for you too….

    Can I ask if you are receiving any professional help at the moment?

    Your not alone….

    Im here to chat to you

    1 person found this helpful
  4. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2821 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Krazykat5

    A warm welcome to you Krazykat5 :)

    I feel for you so very much and my heart goes out to you as you face the depths of depression. From my experience, there is no feeling like being in the depths. If I could describe depression as a well type depression in the ground, it's like you can feel the various depths. At first, perhaps not too deep. Then deep enough that you can start to really feel it. Then as things get deeper, they get darker and more intense. You can be left thinking 'This could not possibly go even deeper or become more dark'. Suddenly you can find yourself going deeper. The absolute depths is the worst. It seriously messes with your head. I'm so glad you came here to navigate the depths. I'm a firm believer that we should never be left to navigate the depths alone.

    While I left 15 years of chronic depression behind me some time ago, there are still moments where I can feel myself going back in. This would happen over and over. As you say, life seems to be improving until suddenly you feel a serious downshift and wonder 'What the hell?!' and it does feel like hell on earth at times. I can recall the moment where things clicked and finally started to make more sense...

    Being one of those woo woo spiritty sort of gals, I recall saying to one of my mentors in this area of my life 'I think I know what the downshifts are about. They only happen when I can feel myself in a challenge. I don't feel them if there's no mind altering life changing challenge playing out, that's going to raise me in some way'. She smiled in acknowledgement. What makes a new challenge even more intense at times is the fact that old tools aren't always suited to new challenges. There are moments where I can be left thinking 'Goddamit, here we go again (a search for new tools)'. When you're deeply feeling the downshift, it can be hard to be philosophical and enthusiastic when it comes to the quest for discovering new tools. At times, it can just feel like hard depressing work.

    Looking back, would you say each time you found a new tool or a new set your consciousness was raised, leading you to discover a new ability within yourself? When you're in a good frame of mind, it feels like you've been on kind of like a treasure hunt, coming to discover something truly amazing. When not in a good frame of mind, it all feels like seriously hard work with so much digging, to get to the bottom of things.

    COVID lock down definitely requires a new set of tools, a highly significant set.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Krazykat5
    Krazykat5 avatar
    2 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22

    thanks for reaching out to me during this difficult time.

    It really does help to know I’m not completely all alone in what I am going through right now

    yes I am receiving some professional help I talk to someone every 2 weeks at the moment

  6. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2128 posts
    26 August 2021 in reply to Krazykat5

    That’s ok Krazykat5 😊 happy to support you, please pop in any time and a have a chat…..

    Im glad it’s been helpful for you to know your not alone in this difficult time…

    Thats great that you are receiving professional help….. have they been able to give helpful strategies?

    I did a group therapy for my OCD we were taught many tools and strategies to help us …… I was also put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety by my gp, I also think this helped me….

    I found it really helpful to be around people when I was going through a difficult time…

    I also had trouble sleeping this did improve in time….

    I found meditation really helpful for me I learned that I’m not my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts….

    Please talk to me any time about anything I’m here 😊

  7. Claire W
    Claire W avatar
    9 posts
    30 August 2021 in reply to Krazykat5

    Hey there

    Sending you thoughts of support whoever you are ? You sound so sad,and tired, your poor heart,

    Maybe just keep reading on these forums to feel some support and see how many others are right with you. I am .

    Do you listen to music,maybe outside your square but I mean like healing music, healing harp, sleepy piano playlists .

    When my Dad died I relied on music and still do, it can fill the empty space, you know where your thoughts are swarming around and around , when you cant see out and everything is a heavy fog.

    When i am wakeful,i get up and go outside even if its freezing, try and see the sky, some stars or moon, Not sure if its helpful, you try and rest when you can, your energy will come back, your here now, people who care will come around you now. 🌌

    May you sleep tonight


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