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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I hate myself and really can’t see a point

Topic: I hate myself and really can’t see a point

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jay bird
    Jay bird  avatar
    5 posts
    17 June 2021

    Everyone always says the same crap. It’s all lies and I honestly do not see any future…but I won’t kill myself, it causes people too much upheaval dealing with that and that’s not fair.

    I feel like I have failed everything and have nope I can truly rely on.

    I am a loathe-some overly serious person that eventually everyone gets tired of. I wasn’t always like this but now it’s layer upon layer so I think this is how I will always be.

    I don’t trust medication so I don’t see that as an option either.

    so I will wait out my days.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6824 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird
    Hi Jay bird, 

    We're sorry to hear that things are not great for you right now. Not having a social network can definitely be hurtful and we can understand the escalating frustration this may cause. It sounds like you are doing what you can to support yourself with all the challenges you are faced with, while not using medication. There are supports around if ever you need them that do not include medication.

    We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

    If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and we are here to support you.
     
  3. Rosebud78
    Rosebud78 avatar
    7 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird
    Hi Jay Bird. I feel you. Suiciide is not an option for me either. Too many complications. Whether that’s good or bad I don’t know. And meds only work for a short time and then I’m back to feeling varying decrees of this stuff. 🤷‍♀️ I supppse my only comfort is that I’m not alone. There are others like you and me doing exactly the same thing.
    it’s like treading water and drowning bit by bit.
    just know you are not alone
  4. Jay bird
    Jay bird  avatar
    5 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Rosebud78
    Thanks. Weirdly it does help. Not that I want others to feel like this, but everywhere I look people seem to be doing ok and I feel like a complete failure. Maybe it’s just not as a snow al as I fought
  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16454 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird

    Hello Jay bird, thanks for posting your comment and very sorry for how you are feeling, and although other people may appear to be coping, we are never sure whether these people are also hiding their frustrations and/or any mental illness of any type.

    Don't make out that you're ' a loathe-some overly serious person' it may only be that others aren't able to understand what you're going through and perhaps don't want to even listen to you, then that's not your fault, but as much as you don't trust medication, it can be given out by doctors starting with a very low dose and could be a way for you to approach the situation.

    Remember there are days when you feel like you’re going nowhere and you don’t fit in, but you can change even if it's just a little and alter your pattern and starting a low dose may be the answer for you.

    If you don't try, then you won't know the outcome and what Dr. Google says may not happen in your position, and I'm not saying try it, but give it some thought.

    Geoff.



  6. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2821 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird

    Hi Jay bird

    I'm glad you feel you can come here to talk about the pain and disappointment that can often come with depression. Sometimes, feeling the freedom to speak in such an open way can make even the smallest of differences. Finding people who can relate can feel like a relief.

    I believe, people who can't relate to depression can't relate to the fact that a difference is hard (even impossible) to imagine, especially when the depression has been a factor for quite some time. It may sound a little foolish but imagination is, in part, what directs our course, even in the smallest of ways. For example, when the alarm goes off in the morning for work or some appointment, we imagine our self having to get out of bed. Then, we imagine our self in the shower and getting dressed afterward. We imagine getting into the car and heading off to perhaps somewhere we don't want to go. All of a sudden we come out of our head and find we haven't even left the bed. Imagination is a strange thing but it can help explain a lot at times.

    I lost count of the amount of times, during my depression, where people tried leading me to imagine some difference. With my depression having lasted about 15 years, in the latter years I'd lost all imagination when it came to a difference. I had no vision of a future without depression. I can relate to people always saying the same cr@p. By the way, a lot of it can be offered as supportive yet, technically, words that make no difference are meaningless. I'm imagine some of this sounds familiar

    • Things will get better
    • If you smiled more, things wouldn't be so bad
    • If you weren't so negative all the time...
    • Others have it worse. Be grateful for what you have
    • Stop feeling sorry for yourself

    Of course, it's a long list so I won't go on.

    That last one, I feel this is one of the cruelest things to say to someone in depression. Stop feeling sorry for yourself is like saying 'Stop feeling the incredible sorrow that comes with grieving for a lost sense of self'. They may as well tell you to ignore why the sorrow is there and 'just get on with life'. How can you ignore it? How can a person tolerate what feels intolerable? It becomes more like 'Just get on with an intolerable life'.

    Do you feel the 'layers of seriousness' are what has led you down into depression, level by level? Has anyone ever led you to imagine the full impact each one has had on the way down? Can you imagine addressing them and making perfect sense of each on the way back up?

  7. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird

    Hi Jay bird

    I wanted to say how good it is that you have reached out here and I can also see that you have been given some great advice and some support too, I hope that you have found this helpful, even just a small bit?

    There is a couple of things I wanted to chat with you about that you have mentioned here and the first one being that you said "everywhere I look people seem to be doing ok and I feel like a complete failure". I wanted to say to that that not everything is as it seems, that many many people feel just as you do and have a mask on, put a fake smile on and push through. I am not at all suggesting that this is the way forward but I wanted to acknowledge that just because a person "seems" fine, it is not always the case. As you can see by the number of people here in this community, myself included, there are a lot of people getting around with "stuff". What you are doing is reaching out and to get some help and some support to deal with your "stuff" and that is a huge step, as many don't and continue to carry the "stuff" and it gets bigger, and heavier.

    I also wanted to chat about you mentioning that you don't see a future. Can I suggest to you that sometimes we just have to shorten the lens and that the future can be the next hour or even the very next minute? That doing something so very small that makes us feel even the slightest bit of joy, whether that is calling someone, eating some cake, taking a walk, patting a dog..whatever it looks like for you can make a difference...and then the next minute you do something else...all these minutes add up and if at the end of the day you have had one thing to make you smile, you are managing your future. Planning for 20 years ahead, or 10 years or even next year can be hugely overwhelming...the future can just be today....do today the best you can, reach out here, chat to us, call the support lines, do what makes you feel good...then we will think about tomorrow tomorrow!

    Hugs to you and hope to chat to you some more.

    Sarah xx

  8. Jay bird
    Jay bird  avatar
    5 posts
    18 June 2021 in reply to therising

    Gosh yes. I finally made the commitment to speak to a friend about how I was feeling and her response was “maybe if you thought about my situation it would put things into perspective and you wouldn’t feel like that”. Very unhelpful.

    (Btw her situation is that her daughter won’t talk to her, stressful Iam sure, but I could also think of many things worse, which of course I don’t say to her and I listen to her feelings about her daughter leaving home)

    1 person found this helpful
  9. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2821 posts
    19 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird

    Hi Jay bird

    You sound like a uniquely sensitive person, given you spoke to a friend about how you were feeling and you listened to her feelings. A less sensitive person would have solely expressed what they were thinking and listened to what she was thinking.

    Personally, I've found feeling my way through life to be challenging at times. Sometimes I've been way off with understanding my feelings but gradually have come to better understand them. Btw, I'm still learning.

    In your original post you mention you feel like you've failed everything and you have no people you can truly rely on. The feeling of overall failure can definitely be mind altering. It's a truly horrible feeling. It can be like a trapped feeling. Kind of like you're doing time in a physical and mental prison that you just want to get out of. Feeling like there's no one you can rely on, who holds the key, makes it even worse. It's like feeling there's no point keeping an eye out for your rescuer because they're just never going to show up. During my years in depression, it kind of felt like I was imprisoned with my own thoughts and feelings, with no obvious means of making it out alive. I felt I was destined to grown old in that cell.

    I've found, in analysing feelings, it pays to pick apart the English language. Some words I try not to use, as they don't get to the bottom of certain feelings. Words such as angry, happy, failure, success don't tell me what I'm really feeling. I may trade angry for 'the sense of extreme intolerance', happy for 'an excited sense of joy', failure for 'an inability to clearly sense the nature of a challenge' and success for 'gaining a sense of the challenge I'm in'. So, it's like you go from 'I feel angry' to 'How and why am I sensing extreme intolerance?'. Typically, I'll sense intolerance in my gut (some churning) before it moves up to my chest (changing my heart rate and breathing). If I'm not going to vent it by the time it hits my throat (you know that feeling), it'll simply bypass without a word and go straight to my head where it can fester. You gotta challenge yourself to be a venter sometimes.

    There's nothing quite like the sense of feeling shut down, something a uniquely sensitive person can easily pick up on. If someone says 'You have to stop feeling so much', they may as well being saying 'Stop trying to gain a sense or make sense of things'. I believe the challenge is to gain greater 'sense ability' along the way, not shut this ability down.

    :)

  10. JackFrost
    JackFrost avatar
    21 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to Jay bird

    Weirdly, I am the opposite. I'm never serious, I take everything lightly, and I try to make anyone laugh at any occasion. But as you can see, we both ended up in the same place. Having the same feelings. Trying to dig our way out of the same hole. The age-old tale of 'I've been down in this hole before, and I know how to get out of here', brought me to this page, because I am trying to get some advice, some insight, some strategies for pulling myself back up.

    I won't give advice, but I can tell you what's helping me.

    1. I take medication, because if I don't, the thoughts are much stronger and more consistent
    2. I won't stop being myself because other people tire of it. I know people find me tiresome and annoying, but that's not my problem, that's theirs.
    3. Meditation and journaling. I meditate and try to remember to write down my feelings and thoughts as often as I can. Sometimes the little notes I make give me an insight into what consistently bothers me, so then I have something to focus on removing from my life (e.g. arguing with people online... like... why do i do it? no one cares. I dont feel better. and they dont care)
    4. Talking to people. At the moment Im down because I feel like I have let some people down. But I know if I speak to them, it wont be as bad as it is in my head. also just chatting to friends about nothing helps too.

    It's easy to focus on the negative. If my rumination was my exercise routine, I would be SO FIT. Usain Bolt would like 'Damn that dude is fit!'.

    I only signed up today because the feelings were getting the better of me and I wanted to reach out. So hello to everyone. It is a hard day. But I am doing my best to be better.

    Love to all. I'm here if you need me.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    21 June 2021 in reply to JackFrost

    Hello JackFrost and welcome as well as a very huge smile from me at your choice to join the forum today.

    I too use humour, making light of a situation and trying to make others feel better as a coping strategy too, as you are so very right in that no matter what the vehicle looks like, the destination is the same. I can hear your emotional intelligence loud and clear in your post and it is so wonderful that you want to come along on the wellness journey but to also lift others on the way. I think you have alot to offer here.

    I am so happy to hear that your true to who you are and what you stand for. There is really not a truer word spoken in that if someone does not like you well that is on them, and really has nothing to do with you. If we get about our lives with kindness, doing the best we can to do what is right and wholesome then if others and not too keen on who we are, they don't have to come on our journey.

    Something you mention and I have only just learnt about this so feel it only appropriate to share, and that is "The Story". See you said that "At the moment Im down because I feel like I have let some people down. But I know if I speak to them, it wont be as bad as it is in my head". This is the very space I used to live in too, feeling like I have said or done the wrong thing and then going to town in my brain of all the reasons they don't like me, all the reason's that I am not a good friend and making up a whole "story" and then believing it. I have done some huge work in this space and now if I "feel" like I have said or done something I write it down, look at it, make an assessment to firstly "is that true?". If I did say something then I will call the person and ask them if I can chat to them about XYZ. The issue is very quickly defused and I move on with my life. Without all that anxiety and noise in my brain or "The Story". Sure at first it is hard and awkward, but when you do it it becomes easier the next time and then I find something else cool happens, you start to need to do it less as your lens becomes clearer.

    I was the rumination queen so I challenge you for the fitness title..lol..it has been wonderful to chat to you JackFrost and I hope to chat to you some more. I am sorry it is a hard day for you, we are here, and we care and you matter so very much. It was so brave of you to post today.

    Huge hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful

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