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Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I think it's best I just leave.

Topic: I think it's best I just leave.

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    11 October 2021

    Hi, I am a long-time reader of these forums, I have never posted and never really felt I needed to until now. I am exhausted mentally.

    I am a husband and father. Covid-19 has divided my family. I am not anti-vax but for the last year, my partner along with my son have gone down the facebook/youtube anti-vax rabbit hole. She has never been anti-vax until this.

    And I'm talking ridiculous beliefs about the virus and the vaccine, I never thought she would fall for such rubbish. But it seems she has and it doesn't seem like she'll ever be dissuaded. We have spoken about it briefly but it ended in a very tense argument. So now we avoid the subject.
    I just can't get past it. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for the last 20 years and now it has peaked like it never has before. I've told her of this and that I don't want to be locked down forever in my home because I haven't had a vaccination. It seems at the moment it's easier for me to just not get vaccinated and save my marriage and wait till this all blows over. So thats what I'll do, but it grinds at me every hour of every day.

    Today is "Freedom day" in NSW and I feel like an outcast. I cant get back to normal till 1st of Dec. I don't think I will last that long. I love my wife dearly. I could never just say. I'm leaving, it's over and break up the family. We have caring responsibilities for our disabled children.

    I've told her I think of suicide often and had made plans but she didn't seem to react much. I think, she thinks I won't do it. Which makes me want to do it more. I know that's selfish. I don't want to do it, but I just want to stop the ache in my heart and the exhausting daily anxiety and stress over this situation. I have seen therapists in the past. I have been on nearly every anti depressant there is and in the last 2 years I have really focused on spirituality to see if it can make a difference in me. For the most part it has, I try to meditate every day and read constantly (Eckhart Tolle, Buddhism etc) I work on self-improvement feverishly but I think I am beyond help now. When I think of death I get a sense of relief, like a feeling of peace rushes through my body. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid. Is there anyone in a similar situation that could offer advice, other than leave your wife? I tried to contact lifeline through chat but no one answered. The irony. I don't want to call and chat to a stranger on the phone either. That won't help.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6825 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Slunk
    Hi Slunk,

    We can hear you’re going through a really difficult time and have been feeling suicidal. We’re really glad you could share here, and it’s a really brave step to have taken.

    Caring for others while living with sucidal thoughts is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Again, we want to thank you for sharing your story with us today. You never know who will read it and feel less alone in their own experience. We know that it can be hard to pick up the phone but we want you to know that we are here for you to listen and understand as much as we can. You don't have to go through this alone. 

     If you ever feel unsafe, it’s really important to call 000 straight away. 

    We know you prefer not to talk on the phone and there are some webchat options below. However, we really recommend it as we know you are feeling incredibly low. 

    If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

    Other options are Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

    We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning. You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

    We want to welcome you to this open, warm and caring communiy and thank you for joining us. If you feel comfortable sharing, it would be great to hear an update on how you are feeling. Also, please feel free to join he other conversations on this forum, we are sure they would benefit from your perspective and experience. 

    Kind regards, 
    Sophie M
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16457 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Hello Slunk, as with Sophie_M you also have my full attention and all my compassion for the situation you have been forced into and total sympathy for not only what's happened to your daughter but to those who need your full assistance.

    I'm not sure what I can suggest, except for sympathy, however, is there any way you can pretend you're going to church and have the vaccine injection, you don't have to tell her if you don't want to, especially as talking about it creates an argument.

    In your favour, all those people who don't want to have the injection, hopefully, will be not be televised on tv and slowly diminish over time and will slowly decide in having it, as they won't be able to go anywhere unless they show their vaccine card and eventually the pill will arrive which has been given positive results.

    I realise your circumstances are so difficult and appreciate that so much, but your health is so important for the safety of your children, so you need to start the ball rolling.

    As I said you have my full attention and hope you can get back to us so we can keep talking.

    Please take care.

    Geoff.

  4. Pumpkinella
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Pumpkinella avatar
    98 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Hi Slunk,

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like you are under an intense amount of pressure.

    I want to remind you that while it seems like the drama surrounding vaccines will never change, things will die down over time. We are at a peak of the apartheid and conspiracies/suspicions at the moment.

    My mother is also antivax and believes in the wild conspiracies. It can happen to anyone it's very easy through social media. A few incidents have occurred since and now she is more receptive to getting a vaccine and has even booked in with her doctor for a chat. So I know it seems your wife will never come around but she might in time (but I agree don't try to convince her - it has to come from her).

    What do you imagine would happen if you told your wife, that you completely respect her decision not to get the vaccine, as this is her human right to decide, but similarly you have decided to get it based on your judgements? And then did so..

    I'm so sorry for the extent of the suffering you are experiencing. I know you said that nothing seems to be helping but I wonder if you can think of one thing, no matter how small, that helps to centre yourself a bit while you deal with these stressors.

    I too listen/read Eckhart Tolle and Mooji. If you want to talk about any of that here I am here to chat - anything you like about it? anything that annoys you?

    Here to listen!

  5. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    The warmest of welcomes to you Slunk

    I feel for you so deeply as you face incredibly overwhelming challenges, ones that would test the strongest of people.

    The vaccine debate is definitely a divider of people. Did a lot of research myself and what it came down to was a psychological flip of the coin: Maybe there will be side effects, maybe there won't. Who knows. My job was the deciding factor. I work in aged care. I asked my 16yo son and 18yo daughter for their take and said I'd support any informed decisions they made. Both decided to get vaxed because, basically, they just want to get on with living instead of feeling like they're slowing dying in lock down (we're Melbournians). It's been incredibly challenging, mind altering and even depressing at times.

    The spiritual path's an interesting one. When I 1st began upon it, I imagined life would be easier. In some ways it has been, in other ways it's become more challenging. Btw, I love Eckhart Tolle. Such a deeply sensitive gentle man. There was a time where I gave up on this path before happening across one of the most brilliant spiritual guides I've been blessed to know, someone more advanced along the path than I.

    Not sure whether you can relate but I've found 3 of the greatest of triggers along such a path involve the challenges, how I feel them and my level of consciousness in regard to them. For example, in the past you may have faced the challenge of your wife saying 'No, I don't want you to do that'. Perhaps you gave no great thought to this (lacking the level of consciousness you have now) and therefor simply didn't argue or follow through. There was no great feeling about it one way or another. Once you begin to graduate along the path of greater consciousness, you become more aware; more aware of the nature of certain challenge, more aware of how you were feeling your way through them and perhaps more aware of 'The Sage' in you. So now, if you've graduated to the point of hearing the Sage, you may hear 'You need to look after yourself. You need to trust your feelings more and sometimes be prepared to fight for what you feel is best'. Is the Sage in you or are the powers that be suggesting you fight for what you feel is best now? I've found, as I've become more sensitive to feeling my way through life and through my marriage, there are times where I can definitely feel the distance between myself and my husband at times.

    Every great challenge holds the potential to be a graduation milestone.

  6. Melancholy Yogini
    Melancholy Yogini avatar
    16 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Hi Slunk,

    I am so sorry that you feel the way you do; I can truly feel your pain just from your words. You are truly a special person and stronger than you think. Just caring for your children who have challenges is remarkable.

    As many have said, the hype will lessen in time. My sister is anti-vax, and while I don't agree, I respect her opinion and she respects mine. As Pumpkinella asked, are you able to discuss with your wife about respecting your choice as you respect hers? I do believe her behaviour may only be out of fear of losing the ones she loves, albeit that she may not be articulating that correctly. People often fear what they don't understand, which can lead them to make rash decisions and ignore rationally thinking. It is part of our evolutionary development to avoid what we fear.

    Perhaps try to understand her fear; what is it that she is most afraid of and maybe you could try to research it together?

    I have been in your position of wanting to leave this world so I understand how you could think things might be better if you weren't here but that is not the answer and I sense that you know in your heart that is not true. Again I want to say that you are stronger than you think; just by posting in this forum is testament to you for reaching out for help and advice. These forums over the last few weeks have helped me immensely. There are so many caring people, you are not alone.

    Love & light to you x

  7. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. I have thought about going behind her back and getting the jab, but I wouldn't feel right about it, I don't think hiding something like that would end well. Doing it and telling her would cause great tension in this house which I am not up for at the moment.

    I'm just angry as well at the media trying to divide the population. It's now the vaccinated vs the unvaccinated. Unvaccinated people will cop alot of hostility going forward which I can't understand seeing as though vaccinated can infect vaccinated.

    If I can make it to Dec 1st, maybe this will all just drop off and be a non issue. I dunno.

  8. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Pumpkinella

    Thankyou Pumpkinella, your reply made me feel a little better. I think that is my problem, all I'm seeing is vaccinate, get the jab, hurry up and vaccinate, freedom day! It is overwhelming to see that daily especially when you're unvaccinated.

    I'm hoping after Dec 1st when it will no longer be required to move about freely, this, like you said will all die down.

    Another of my main issues is caring what other people think. I tend to worry what other people think of myself or those closest to me. So when I see in the media that most of NSW has been vaccinated and I haven't, it makes you feel like less of a being, when I should be thinking "who cares what people think of me" I'll be dead and gone one day and none of this will mean anything.

    I'm sitting on a little ball of dirt spinning around in the middle of absolutely nowhere amongst billions of stars and galaxies and if I was looking down from just one of those stars, millions of galaxies away, the earth would be nothing but a speck of dust. So from that perspective, Do I really care what people think of me? Whether I'm vaccinated or not, whether my partner has a different opinion than me? How can I let these meaningless things cause me pain?

    I know all this, it's just a daily struggle to remind myself of this when I am in the pit of anxiety and depression.

    Eckhart basically saved me. He popped up on my YouTube a couple years ago and something clicked. I've read all his books ( the power of now twice) which led me more deeply into the subject of spirituality. I haven't looked back. So many authors have helped me, especially works by Wayne Dyer. I meditate daily, sometimes I'll miss one day in the week but it has pretty much become routine. I no longer spend time on Facebook or let in any other negativity where I can help it. I do so much work on self improvement on a daily basis. I feel I have to or I will slip back into the void. It is a struggle. I guess I had a lapse, hence my original post.

  9. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to therising
    Hi therising. I think my greatest challenge on the journey of spirituality is not identifying with mental positions/viewpoints and not cherishing opinions as that leads to clinging which then triggers my ego. It's ok to have opinions just try not to identify or cling to them. They aren't me. I am bigger than all that, I am not my body, my thoughts, my opinions, my possessions. I believe there is a silent witness inside of me, that is perfect and untroubled. I just have to remember that on a daily basis, moment to moment. It is really hard. How Eckhart is in constant meditation is beyond me.
  10. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Melancholy Yogini

    Hi Melancholy Yogini. I briefly mentioned to my wife in our last discussion about the subject that I respect her opinion and choice, I think she does respect mine also. I think her thing is, is that she is worried something will happen to me with the vaccine. Her belief from what she has read is that in a few years time, the effects of the vaccination will start to take effect. I believe this is common belief among anti Vax population. She is not a bad woman, I love her dearly and she is kind and loving herself. She has never been anti Vax, but something happened when this pandemic started and I think I lost her for awhile. I don't blame her, I blame social media mostly. It is toxic and only serves to anger the population. The more angry and divided users are, the more money they make. People engage in things that make them reactive. They don't engage in the same way on say a positive article or an uplifting, positive message on social media. So the big companies make less money.

    I have succeeded in convincing my wife to not be on Facebook so much. I let her know it bothers me and now we do spend more time together doing other things. And her mind is not being constantly bombarded with misinformation and conspiracy theories like it was a few months back.

    I won't discuss the subject of vaccines with her anymore, it just doesn't work. She needs to make her own decisions and it's not up to me to convince her I think. I personally just have to accept and live with her decisions as best I can. I do know that I refuse to let this pandemic break up my family.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Slunk
    Slunk avatar
    6 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk
    This has really helped my well being, talking through it with you guys that have replied. Thankyou. 
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Shay123
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Shay123 avatar
    19 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Hey Slunk!

    I'm sorry to hear that you've been put in such a difficult position! As a person who's lost someone close to suicide and who's also experienced suicidal thoughts and self harm myself, I'd just like to say that you are so incredibly strong for being here today and to have the guts to open up and tell someone about what's happening. That's the hardest part! Even though I haven't been in your exact position, I hope you can believe me when I say that if your family and friends lost you they would be devastated.

    If you ever feel like you are about to harm yourself the number to call is 000.

    There is NEVER any shame in reaching out and asking for help. It is not weak. It is strong. You're not alone in this fight. You are enough just as you are. People will always have their opinions and, unfortunately, we will never be able to control what other people think or do but we can control what we think and how we react. Good on you for continuing to work on yourself for as long as you have, keep going, but don't forget to look back and see how far you've come! It sounds like you've been through so much and I think that it's incredible for pulling through this the way you have been! Remember, sometimes you have to be selfish and put your own mental health first... and that's not a bad thing, we all need to be selfish sometimes! As you said, we can't help other people if we're not in a good headspace either. Keep reaching out when you feel like you're struggling! We're all here to listen!

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Opening up is very important as yes, different situations but I do understand.

    It can be completely overwhelming.

    However listen to those posters who know much better than I do and take steps to stay safe.

    If I can get past step one then anyone can trust me

  14. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Slunk

    Hi Slunk

    Eckhart Tolle is definitely a fascinating guy, not just to listen to but also to watch. I get the impression he meditates on a variety of things or meditates in a variety of ways. I can recall watching/listening to him on YouTube on one particular occasion and noticed something quite unique. Someone in the audience had asked him a question. As he sat in what appeared to be silence, while the audience waited for a response, he gently nodded throughout what seemed to be probably 30 seconds or so. That's a long pause when an audience is waiting. He responded in detail to the person who asked him the question and then went on to say 'Now, I'll tell you what I think', as though the first response was not his.

    I got the impression that when a question is asked, he does not necessarily meditate on what he thinks but rather meditates with an open mind and acknowledges what naturally comes to mind, hence the nodding (in acknowledgement). As you may have heard him say on occasion, he points to thinking as being somewhat of an affliction, which can get in the way of naturally having answers come to us.

    I think just about all of us have had the experience of something brilliant suddenly coming to mind. Someone may say 'That's absolutely brilliant, where did that come from. How did you manage to think that up'. At times, our response may simply be 'I have absolutely no idea. I didn't think it up. It just came to me from out of the blue'.

    I can relate to what you say in regard to 'the silent witness', the observer of beliefs, behaviours, of self and others, of nature, of what comes to mind and so much more. To be only partly or completely emotionally detached, as the observer, and not be drawn into drama by the ego is definitely an ongoing challenge to be mastered :)

    1 person found this helpful

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