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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I want to ask for help

Topic: I want to ask for help

  1. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    24 May 2020
    For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6822 posts
    24 May 2020 in reply to ____
    Hi there,

    Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, but you've shown so much strength in reaching out here today. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low right now, but please know that you've come to a safe space to talk through these thoughts and feelings, and our community is here to offer you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We are also currently getting checking in with you via email.

    If you feel it may be helpful, we'd really recommend getting in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

    We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.



     
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    25 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear "____"~

    Welcome to the Forum and first off I'd have to say you are worth so much more that a blank line, no matter how you feel right now. I had parent troubles -to the extent we parted, and have felt like taking my life, worthless and guilty, though never thought of using a blank line to describe it.

    Sophie _M has given you the right information already, the Kids Help Line, phone (1800 55 1800), webchat,email.

    http://www.kidshelp.com.au/

    I'm repeating it because they are good (which can mean a wait as others know they are good too). You can talk more than once, not even have to repeat your story, a knowledgeable professional comfort.

    It is easy to judge others from the outside, and your sister my be clever, bright, good-looking or whatever you find in her you think is not in you. It's really not much of a basis to judge.Trying to compare yourself with others is apples and oranges plus the things that count are not visible, they come out when it is tough going.

    You are finding out abut yourself, that your life is tough, and now you have to find you can reach for support. After hanging off far too long I did and that support got me through.

    So now we have both said it what do you think? Can you reach out? I know it seems hard, but that is beforehand, after it is much better, beleive me

    I hope to talk with you soon

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    I've talked to kids helpline and they have helped me to understand some things, but they haven't helped to get rid of or dull the suicidal thoughts. I'm back at school now and I'm remembering why I hated it so much. I constantly have the urges to kill myself, and the only thing stopping me is I have no way to do that at school. When I get home, they're still there, just not as bad. I want to get proper help that's not online but I can't do this, and I know that if I'm about to commit suicide, I wouldn't call kids helpline or anything like that because my parents would find out, and I don't want to talk to them as they make the thoughts worse. I'm trying not to compare myself to my sister but it's been difficult. Thank you for the advice.

  5. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6822 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to ____
    Hey ____, thanks for checking back in with us. We're sorry to hear things haven't improved over the last few days, although we're glad to hear kids helpline was able to offer you some advice. We know how stressful going back to school can be and especially so during times like this. Has there been anything helpful you've done in the past to cope with feelings like this? or anyone you feel safe enough to share these thoughts with?

    We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need and our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    Keep checking in with us whenever you like. 
  6. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    27 May 2020
    Hey there, this is a tough situation and I'm so sorry you don't have the right support. It's not your fault. Growing up in a family with incompetent and negligent parents, I can understand how lonely that can be. I remember calling Kids Helpline once or twice when my parents weren't home. I wish I'd reached out more but of course it was terrifying.

    The counsellors at my school were also laughably bad and I never went there.

    Do you have a doctor or a gp? You could say you were seeing them for physical check up or something and share with them in a session perhaps some of your struggles?
    Or do you have a friend or even a friend's parent?
    The drama teacher doesn't sound like such a bad idea, honestly, a caring adult can be better sometimes, even if they're not a counsellor. would it be something you would try?
    I think reaching out is heroic and brave and applaud you for even considering it. You are showing a lot of strength in even talking here with us. I hope this strength continues to serve you and help you get to a better place. Your parents don't define you, there will be someone who will respect you and believe you if you reach out
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    27 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear "_____"~

    OK, I can understand all you are saying and maybe talking on the phone or web-chat is not going to do the trick. I had face to face consultations with a psychiatrist, plus meds plus therapy. Over time it improved me out of sight. Maybe that might help you

    So realy the problem is how to try it. I realise you do not want your parent to know however as things stand you are living the most unhappy and dangerous of lives, and things can be so much better. You are worth fighting for, by you as well as by others.

    You can see if the Suicide Call Back Service mentioned above can suggest a way, or you can try Headspace (1800 650 890)

    https://headspace.org.au/eheadspace/

    Alternatively ring a bulk-billing GP's office, explain the situation and ask for a confidential long appointment, see where that leads.

    So what do you think?

    Croix

  8. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    28 May 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix
    I'll try the suicide call back service soon. My GP is quite mean so I don't think I'd talk to her about it, I already have meds and I took them for a year but they just made me numb and I've tried upping the dosage but it didn't work, and somehow the numbness is worse than the depression, especially for the suicidal thoughts.

    This is going to sound weird but thank you for telling me 'i am worth fighting for'. I have never been told anything like that before and it was somehow comforting.
    April

  9. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    28 May 2020 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21

    I don't think any school has good counsellors

    I quite like the idea of talking to the drama teacher, i have him once a week for sport so i could ask then. I just don't know how to start that conversation. Would you have any advice on that?

    I have a psychologist and she helps with my anxiety and dealing with my parents but i cn't talk to her about how bad my suicidal thoughts are as if she tells my parents, that would be a disaster.

    Thanks, April

  10. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    28 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April (with a wave to Sleepy21)~

    One approach: (Sleepy has good thoughts BTW) You may be right, the drama teacher, and if it was me I'd write a note saying you are continuing to have suicidal and self-harm thoughts over a long period. Emphasize you have a set of parents to leave out of it as they may be part of the problem, plus a GP and Psychologist you do not trust as you think think they will just report back to your parents.

    You can tell him if he is stuck to call Suicide Call Back service himself for advice, that's what they are there for.

    Give him time to read it and tell him not to rush but think it though. Leave him alone and go elswhere if you want. Dunno how he will react.

    There are a host of medications and dosage sizes available. One set that you endured for a year was not suitable. I'm afraid it is a bit hit and miss as everyone is different, however eventually I got the right ones, I don't even think about them nowadays, just part of life.

    A friends parents, if you trust them, might not be a bad idea either, they too can get advice if needed

    You have intelligence -it comes out in your writing, you have common sense, you have bravery and endurance, you are here, and many other qualities I can't see ATM -so what's not worth fighting for?

    I hope you talk again soon.

    Croix

  11. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hello Croix

    I'm currently at school and I'm kind of tempted to talk to someone today, but I won't have much of an opportunity. For some reason today has been much worse than usual. It's been going extremely slowly and every little thing is irritating me.

    I can be an awful person, I lie to people so they don't 'abandon' me. When I don't feel great I lash out sometimes, so I do think my death would give a lot of people relief.

    I think I will write a letter, but I don't know how, and there's always the chance he immediately tells the school welfare minister who calls my parents which will result in me most definitely committing suicide, as I will lose the little privacy and life I have. If i write the letter, i will definitely make sure he knows that i do not want my parents involved. If it went well, what would he be able to do?

    Thank you for continuing to reply, it's been very helpful.I've struggle to see any way out of this other than suicide but I just want to at least try, and your responses are helping.

    Thanks,

    April

  12. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    When I've wanted to kill myself I've genuinely believed there was no way out. Of course I was wrong, though realizing that came after help arrived.

    The things you list as making you an 'awful' person are just another way of saying you are a human being. OF COURSE you fib or put on a false face so you are not abandoned. There would be very few people that have not. When you have a great need any ploy might be necessary. In theory it might be fine never to lie, but this is the real world.

    As for lashing out, when things get overwhelming instinct takes over, and often it is to lash out at the people closest to us. If you are up to it apologize afterwards. The pressure you are under is going to make you overwhelmed at times, no argument about that.

    None of that, or even more if you have left bits out, stops me thinking those things I said about you in my last post, you are worth a lot!

    I've been in those situations and acted just as you - please do not put unrealistic demands on yourself, it will only make you feel worse even though you are doing what is to be expected.

    What will he do? I don't know, he may feel he is obliged to report your state. You will probably have an influence by what you say who he reports it to.

    Although an attractive option because you like him please don't discount taking action yourself, at least that way you are in control. Headspace and Suicide Call Back Service are the two I'd chose, phone or email or chat.

    If you are thinking of writing a letter, you could always email it to one of them.

    I would think the long term aim is to get you to have regular medical support away from the school environment and with your parents in a position where you did not feel threatened so that you want to kill yourself

    Would you agree abut that?

    As you have said your parents are part of the problem it may well be that they are informed but asked to keep their distance for a while. It really is too open ended a situation to guess, so I do not know.

    One day, if you wanted to you might like to say what it is about your parents knowing that drives you to want to die, I'd listen with sympathy. You could tell me what has kept you going being wiht them and wanting to die.

    If there was one thing you really liked, from TikToks to comics to anything at all, I'd like to know that too.

    Croix

  13. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to Croix

    Croix

    I don't actually have tiktok, my parents are quite strict. I'm not allowed games or social media, which means i can't relate to other people my age and it's partly why i struggle to have friends. My mother makes fun of me and does not respect my boundaries or privacy with her excuse being 'i am your mother'. She once barged into my room while i was getting dressed (i was fully naked) and demanded my phone because i can't have it in my room. it was charging. She stood there with her hand out for my phone while i stood there in shock, still naked. I gave her my phone and i did not see it again for a month. She is a bad mother and a bad person.

    My father on the other hand barely exists, as he's always working or on his laptop which i don't mind as i wouldn't want to talk to him, but if i ever did, he would have no idea what to do. I'm seriously oversharing here but I'm just gonna go with it. The last time my mother realised i was suicidal, she said she would sleep in my room and follow me around as if that's going to make me want to kill myself any less.

    I've lost any idea of what i like, i don't do anything anymore. I wake up, go to school, come home, attempt my assessments, maybe watch a show on Netflix and go cry until i fall asleep. I guess some things i like are grey's anatomy and baking, but i don't enjoy them as much as i used to. I have two gorgeous cats, one of them is my cat. He hates everyone except for me and doesn't mind when i cry. He has helped me a lot, however a lot of the time he's upstairs which is also where my mother resides and I do not dare venture that close to that woman.

    I've never actually heard of the suicide call back service, I'll do some research on it.

    thanks,

    April

  14. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6822 posts
    29 May 2020 in reply to ____
    Hey April,

    Thank you so much for keeping us updated on how you're going. It sounds like things are quite stressful and tense at home, and we are so sorry that things are so overwhelming for you. We're glad to hear that you can find some comfort in your two lovely cats and baking- is there anything in particular that you love to make? We just want to let you know that we are currently checking in with you via email as we are still worried about you.

    We hope you know that there are no limits to how many times you contact support services like Suicide Call Back Service and Headspace or Kids Helpline. The Suicide Call Back Service and Kids Helpline also have 24/7 Webchat available if you'd like to chat online. 



     
  15. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6279 posts
    30 May 2020 in reply to ____

    hi. we have a cat in our family - you said your cat hates everyone except you. Our cat hides when strangers come to the door. The real reason why I mentioned the family cat (it was supposed to be the kids cat but I was the one to look after it) is the cat was put on my list of reasons to live. While only comes our for food was or is the only "person" non-judgemental.

    recently my psychologist gave me a list of 300 things (activities) to do. I have to pick some things to do again.

    https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Depression/Depression---Information-Sheets/Depression-Information-Sheet---06---Fun-Activities-Catalogue.ashx

    I don't know if any of these would appeal to to you. I have also found that I have to force myself to do some activities that after a while become enjoyable if only for that time.

    I also know of another kid that sounds like you parents with respect to your phone. They are overly protective. I hope that it not 'having' a phone sometime interfere with friendships.

    It is sad you don't seem to have any relationship with you dad. I hope you don't mind me asking this question - I know you said you would not want to talk to your dad because he is always on his laptop but what would happen if you did ask him what he was doing? or what barriers are there to stop you?

    if you don't want to answer my questions, that's cool. I just want you to know I am listening.

     

  16. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    30 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    I feel like my parents had similar approaches to you, and I could never get any space. My dad used to listen to my phone calls and read my internet chats - so I know about feeling like you have to hide from them.
    I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's hard when they are so controlling and I know you said it can make it harder to make friends and enjoy the same activities as your friends because you don't have the same freedoms.

    Re the drama teacher or any adult I had a few ideas - i thought maybe you could initiate by asking him for resources on mental health. That is a gentle way to start the conversation. You can see how he responds. It's okay to start slow and not reveal everything at once.

    I also think it's okay to try and find ways to do this without yur family, we are here for you.

    My family really made it hard for me to get help, also. They told me if I went to a psychologist everyone would brand me as sick... they tried to scare me off from the world etc... The reality is there are some good, caring people out there and seeking help is so brave and positive. i am glad you shared here. I think you have a lot to give and I'm happy to have been priveleged to hear your story here. Hope you're okay over the weekend xx

    Sleepy

  17. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    30 May 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    hi small wolf

    i've had a quick skim through the list and i like some of the things on it. I'll go through it properly once I've finished writing this. i don't have many activities that I actually enjoy so i think i will be very helpful.

    I used to be close to him but he's become less of a dad. He just lives in our house and does his own thing. I've been becoming close enough to him where we can talk but he just isn't my dad, and i can't ever imagine hugging either of my parents let alone telling them i loved them (which i seriously don't). I used to be close to him but we both slowly backed away. He can be just as bad as my mother sometimes, and I'm scared if i become too close I'll have to put up with having two awful parents rather than one awful parent and one non-existent parent. It sounds dumb i know.

    Thanks,

    April

  18. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    31 May 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April~

    This has been an all-serious conversation do far, maybe for a moment I'll talk about something else.

    I live in a cooler climate and I'm sitting in front of a wood fire. It is cosy, particularity as it is raining outside.

    The room only has a gentle glow from the fire and from a lamp above my shoulder that lets me see my laptop. Off to my left is a sofa, and on it a pile of blankets. On top of the blankets is Sumo Cat, who is pretending to supervise but is actually asleep.

    Just an eye opens occasionally, perhaps to reassure him I'm still here, perhaps to make sure I'm busy typing. He is an important and imposing cat, is far to dignified to ask.

    Sumo cat was not always that way, you might like to hear how he got his name

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    I know, not answering your problems, but sometimes a change can restore, did I offer the right thing?

    Croix

  19. Aaronsis
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    1 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    I hope you don't mind me jumping in on your thread, I have been reading your posts and seeing the wonderful support that you have received from this fantastic community. I wanted to echo what Croix has mentioned to you and that is that you could write a note to your teacher whom you trust, it may not be all the details to start with but enough that he starts a conversation with you, which of course makes it easier on you. You could also call out all of the outcomes that you do not wish to happen, that you prefer your parents were not involved in knowing of your thoughts and that in the past they have known and the support was not sufficient. I was sorry to read that your mother's solution was to keep watch on you, I get that but the other part would have been to seek some support for you. I see you have some support from a Psychologist and this is fantastic. Can I suggest to you though that your support people are of best help to you when they know the bigger picture, you could ask them what their obligation to "tell you parents is" and this might help you to share more than you have been. That by sharing your thoughts about suicide might actually lead to some really good help from your therapist.

    I also wanted to comment about what you said about being an awful person, I dont see you as awful at all, we all have parts of our lives that we wish were different, so making a 'story" if you like to protect your feelings or to give you some comfort does not make you an awful person April.

    I also wanted to say that your mother entering your room and demanding your phone is very uncomfortable for you and also disrespects your boundaries. Every person has the right to privacy and one's bedroom is I believe that space. I understand she wanted your phone, but to knock and to ask if it is ok to come in would have given you the chance to at least dress. I am sorry this happened to you. Your privacy has not been considered here and that is not acceptable.

    I think you can see here by the support you have been receiving that you do matter, you are worth a happy life and you are a very intelligent young woman with a lot on her plate. I am just so proud you reached out for someone to chat to here.

    As I mentioned I have nothing really ground breaking to say other than we do care and we are here for you April.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  20. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    2 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hey Sarah

    I've somehow slowly talked myself out of getting help in person. But the thing is I'm just getting worse. I have antidepressants but they make me numb, and while there was a point where I was happy (I accidentally took four instead of two pills) I felt guilty. I felt like I shouldn't be happy. I sound like I'm insane but I just can't do this anymore. My life isn't even that awful. I have a few friends, I exercise, I have good teachers, I go to a good school, my parents can't be as bad as I say, my sister loves them. But at the same time, I wake up every morning and tell myself 'all I have to do is make it through the day' so I make it through without crying or doing anything and I get home and cry because every night I realize I have to do the same thing tomorrow, and every tomorrow after that, but I don't want to. I just want the cycle to stop. I hate who I am and I wish I could start life again. I would be nicer, hang out with people who make me feel good about myself. I'd stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. I wouldn't start stress eating so I wouldn't be trying to lose weight now. Sometimes looking at other people makes me cry. I think how happy they are and how well they've done, and how I shouldn't even be here. That got quite dark and I'm so sorry. What makes this whole post even more ridiculous, is I'm in pdhpe trying not to cry while everyone else is doing just dance to a song called 'make it jingle' in which they're all just twerking. The support on here has been helpful, and I'm very thankful for it as without it, I probably wouldn't have made it this far.

    April

  21. Aaronsis
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    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    2 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi April

    I am so glad to hear that you are finding being here helpful, it is a pretty cool community to be apart of and you do get to realize some great things, I have learnt so much here, things like:

    1. "having everything good in life" does not equate to happiness.

    2. Sadness and feeling damn awful is not picky, anyone can be depressed or suffer anxiety, it does not care who it effects.

    3. With help and support there is a better tomorrow. It does not always have to be like this, nor will it be.

    4. There are so many other people who are going through battles too and that I am not the only one who is in pain or who struggles, meaning that by reaching out and talking we help each other.

    I wanted to say about how you look at others, that it sometimes makes you cry, when you see how happy they are. Firstly we don't know anything about that person and nor is it our business to, they might be dying inside and the only way they can cope in that moment is to walk down the street smiling in hope not to have a break down. Sounds dramatic but my point is that just as the external factors in life do not mean we are happy, so too that just because a person "looks" happy they are. So to compare to others just makes us feel worse about ourselves, which is not what we want to do. It is hard not to I agree, looking at what others are doing and what they are up to is how we measure our self, sure it is fine to sometimes get a temperature check but when it makes us feel so bad this is not great.

    I noticed you mentioned some of the great things in your life and I am so please you do have exercise, you have a good school and some good teachers too, I want to get to the friend part, you said firstly that you "have few friends", later you mentioned in your 'wish list" that you would hang out with people who make you feel good about yourself. I think this is a great place to start April and to find those people who do make you feel good about yourself, that is what a friend does, raise you not squash you. I would like you to consider that, are your friends caring for you or tearing you down?

    Never apologize for what you write here, to get it out is great and dark is better on the page that in your thoughts, I welcome what ever you would like to chat about here, that is what we are here for, to support you and to comfort you, chat as much as you feel comfortable to.

    Also, try to be kind to you, the journey to wellness is not short and it takes time and practice.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  22. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    2 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Dear April

    It does not matter if you get help in person, which can be full of unknowns and very daunting, simply the you get it, and that does mean telling someone. It can be as you know on the phone or by chat, but it is a start, that's what got me to begin to get better, I simply told someone.

    What happens then is a a mix, but relief is a larger part of it -surprisingly large -I felt lighter. Not alone

    All the stories you my have read in Happy Memories, inducing you and I, were written by people that had huge times when they were right down. Some clung to those stories as reminders of being better. I have.

    Wealth, house, school, even parents that others envy does not help, depression shrinks you view down to hopelessness, you cannot be thankful for what does not count. That is why stories are important, they widen the view so you see more, and that includes good things.

    Am I making any sort of sense?

    It does take bravery to tell others, and I left it far too late, partly as a result. You have been brave enough to come here, and brave enough to tell a story that means a lot to you. Just one more step.

    Croix

  23. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Sarah

    I'd like to explain how school works in terms of 'popularity'. At the very top, we have the awful ones. Smelling like weed, going around using homophobic slurs and racist slurs. Then we have the kinda popular kids. Some of them hang out with the awful ones, some of them don't. They go to the beach every weekend, all of them skinny and gorgeous. Next, we have the majority of the year. Mostly good looking, some of them deal weed to the higher up kids, the rest of them are reasonably normal, some of them quite awful, but they're mostly okay. Another step down is the kids who are kind of friends with the majority but do their own thing. They're all still good looking and some of them are smart. Next, we have the minecraft boys. They sit in the library on the school laptops playing violent games and killing each other in minecraft. Some of them are friends with the majority. This is where we reach me. We're the kids that no one likes or cares about. Some of us talk to kids more popular than us, but we're a bit of a charity case. Some of us are okay looking and talk to 'the majority' but some of us are just nothing. To other people, I'm just a gay chubby kid who is always sad and has pink and purple hair. Some of this group are depressed, the rest pretend to be. I hate being here. Finally, we have the kids that do their own thing. The 'nerds' you could say. Some of them are nice, some of them are extremely self-centered, believe they are the world and couldn't give a shit about anyone else. I can't change friends. I used to be above the majority but I became depressed and gave up on people. My friends can be good people, but often I feel like they don't understand me. I sit with them all the time and I hang out with them but I never talk to them. If I leave them I have no other friends, and if I don't have friends, I have no one. I don't feel safe at home anymore and I just want to be over with this.

    I don't know why I still bother, why I haven't killed myself yet. You said the journey is long, and I've tried for years and nothing has helped. I don't know what other help is out there, and I doubt there is much more. You also said there is a better tomorrow, but each tomorrow is the same, nothing ever changes, sometimes I feel worse or just numb, but there is never a day better than the last.

    I'm sorry if I've repeated myself over different posts.

    April

  24. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to Croix

    Croix

    I did write a post on the 'happy memories' thread, but after posting, I started to doubt it actually happened. My cat doesn't like being under a doona, and he has his own room at night because my parents hate him. So i don't know where that came from. What do you mean by one more step sorry?

    April

  25. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6822 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to ____
    HI April,

    Thanks again for reaching out to us so bravely and with such candor.

    We're sorry you're finding things so difficult right now but please know we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Please keep reaching out to us here whenever you feel up to it.

    Our support service is reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.

    If you'd prefer not to chat by phone, Kids Helpline has a 24/7 webchat service - https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling - and Beyond Blue offers something similar between 3pm and midnight AEST everyday which can be accessed via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. We'd encourage you to explore these options.
  26. hello, hi, 😀
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    hello, hi, 😀 avatar
    537 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hi,

    my name is Neerja and I am in high school too. The way your school works in terms of 'popularity', is the exact same to my school. It's like this hierarchy where everyone competes for power. It can be so painful and unfair, I have been affected by this too.

    In year 6, I made a decision to stand up to the 'awful ones (like you said and they are really awful), but due to this, I got bullied. I was called 'forehead and fat', every day, it was a terrible experience. I talked to teachers about but due to their reputation, they didn't bother helping me. I lost trust. I understand how you feel with essentially wanting to be part or known as part of another group, I do too.

    My parents are so similar to yours, my mum reads over all of my text messages, usually keeps my phone with her and I don't have communication and a strong relationship with my parents. I have never been out of the house for friend's parties and or to just hang out. To be honest I don't have any good friends.

    I totally understand why you don't trust your counsellors, my school counsellors broke my trust recently. But I am very very glad you have a teacher who you trust and can talk too and you are want to ask for help.

    I also understand how you feel about life, I have those thoughts too, I don't even know why I still bother as well.

    I hope you don't mind but if you do I'm sorry I joined your thread,

    Neerja

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Aaronsis
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2463 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to ____

    Hey April and a big wave to you Neerja,

    Thank you for supporting April, it really seems like you both have pretty similar experiences with school, i am just so disappointed in it to be honest, that we cannot support and nurture our young adults and why when this type of hierarchy is obvious do we let it evolve in schools. You are most welcome here Neerja, to support April and maybe some of what April is talking about can support you too.

    I hope you don't mind April but when I read your last post I bullet pointed your "popularity" ladder. I then read my points to my son to ask him what this meant to him, he is 16 in a few days and in year 10. As I was reading he was saying "yep that checks out", "yep that is right"...so that makes me even more horrified, that not only these "rankings" exist but that he too knows of what you are talking about....WHAT ARE WE DOING TO PROTECT OUR YOUNG ADULTS?"...sorry ...then there is the next part of what you mentioned that there are people who are depressed and those that pretend to be. I am just so sorry that young people have to pretend in order to raise awareness to themselves that they are not doing so well, this too is another form of screaming out for help.....ok enough from me about that.

    I also wanted to acknowledge that you mentioned about what I had said to you in that the journey is long, it is long April and it does take courage and it will hurt and it will also bring some light too, firstly finding the support that helps you to the light is the first and most important part. I was wondering if you had called the Suicide Call Back Service that Croix mentioned to you? That is a really wonderful start and not only do they keep a log of what you said so that you don't have to go over and over from the start each time you can speak to the same person too.

    It really is tough that your friends that you do have don't engage with you and take your calls for help seriously. I have a better understanding of what "school" society looks like now so I understand how useless it was for me to suggest finding another person to connect with. However even if you have one good friend that is worth something.

    You are worth happiness, you are worth a better tomorrow and you are worth life, we are here and I know that is not much but we care, you are loved. I also wanted to ask if you had a chance to think more about touching base with your drama/PE teacher?

    Life does look different as an adult, school is tough.

    Hugs

    Sarah

  28. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to hello, hi, 😀

    Hi Neerja,

    Don't apologise! I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post, and it's somehow nice to know that I'm not alone in this. It's weird, you're just placed somewhere on the popularity ladder and have no choice in the matter. It's just based on the way you look, what you wear, how smart you are and other meaningless stuff. While your position on this ladder, (or hierarchy as you said, which is scarily accurate) won't matter when you leave school, it feels like a matter of life or death now.

    Do you have anyone you can talk to? I understand if you don't, I find it very hard to trust people, especially with how I feel. I don't know what kind of school you go to, but I can confidently assure you that while school counsellors can be helpful for some people, most of them are significantly bad at their job.

    April

    1 person found this helpful
  29. ____
    ____ avatar
    68 posts
    3 June 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hello Sarah,

    Today in sport, I felt awful so I asked the sports teacher (the one I like) if I could go to the bathroom. I went to the library and sat in our welfare guys room and cried for an hour until school had finished. When I got to the library, I realised the teacher would be wondering why I hadn't returned so I asked my friend to tell him where I was and why. This is a very small step, but at least he somewhat knows I'm struggling? I don't know.

    I've been exploring the suicide call back website and reading suggestions and dealing with suicidal thoughts. I am quite hesitant to call as Phone calls absolutely terrify me. The beyond blue service team called me three times and as it was on no caller ID, I was too scared to answer. I received a voicemail stating who it was later. I feel quite bad about that one.

    I will admit I'm slightly surprised that both your son and Neerja have the same popularity pyramid. I used to think it was just my school, but I guess it's the same everywhere. A lot of people say that one day you'll look back on high school, and it will be one of the happiest times of your life, but I highly doubt that one. Unless you managed to squeeze yourself into a higher group, it's unlikely it could ever be viewed as a 'happy' experience.

    Thanks,

    April

  30. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    3 June 2020

    Hi April,

    School is really brutal and sometimes to be honest the adults don't do enough to support the kids and even reinforce divisions and heirachies.
    It sounds like it is important in your school to fit into a particular group and that everyone sort of has their unbreakable "group." These groups are often more about people needing to feel protected and safe, and the people in the groups may not even be that close.

    I have heard of people in your situation getting help from a kind teacher, I know you were considering that. Is it something you feel you could do?
    I feel for you, sometimes our famillies and our school show us a certain way of living that limits us and holds us back.
    You sound really perceptive, honest and intelligent I hope soon you will be able to meet a tribe that you can connect to. There is more out there beyond the school walls!

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