The best mum any child can have is a mum who loves them endlessly, to the best of her ability. This is always the kind of mum I try to be. Our ability will always vary, based on our health, our perspective, our energy levels, our challenges, our stress levels etc.
I feel so deeply for you, given all that you're facing. Took me years to work out why I struggle so much at times. I discovered a lot comes down to who surrounds me. While I used to beat myself up terribly for being so 'hopeless', 'worthless', 'incapable' and so on, what I've come to ask over the years is 'Who around me impacts my sense of hope, value, capability, confidence, sense of direction and more?'. While we can be working hard when it comes to facing major challenges, there are times where others around us just aren't putting in the same hard work and it's just not on. While a doctor can give us news such as 'You have this issue and there's not much we can do about it', that's just not on. 'FIND AN AVENUE FOR ME TO CONSTRUCTIVELY TRAVEL DOWN. DON'T SIMPLY WIPE YOUR HANDS OF THIS!'. While we are intensely sensing the struggle in our challenge and how it brings us down or works us up to stress, we can have people around us saying 'You're too sensitive, you need to relax'. This is just not on. We should say 'WORK HARDER ON FEELING FOR ME. WORK HARDER ON CHANNELING THE SAME FEELINGS I'M FEELING. DON'T SIMPLY TELL TO BECOME INSENSITIVE TO MY STRUGGLES, TO SIMPLY NOT FEEL THEM!'. If we're in a relationship with the other parent of our child, for our partner to say 'That's your job, to raise them through their challenges, I'm simply the breadwinner of the family, we have every right to treat them as the disinterested 'cash cow', demanding they bring more money in when finances become a serious struggle. Sounds brutal but such view is based on our partner's personal declaration.
You can be working so hard Kitty, where others fall way short. To be raising yourself in a life where others are content with doing next to nothing to help raise you defines you as spectacular. It defines you as powerful. As a powerful person who develops a constructive degree of intolerance and as someone who becomes more demanding through such intolerance, you have every right to demand of those around you 'Work harder when it comes to the ways in which you should be serving me best!'.
You're right Kitty, you shouldn't have to suffer and if no one understands, you have to ask 'What's wrong with them?'.