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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Just need to vent in a safe place.

Topic: Just need to vent in a safe place.

  1. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    14 November 2021

    Hello,

    Why does this fight feel like it’s a battle that can’t be won, I’m tired, I’m not sleeping well at night, guess I just want to share as text as I find it hard talking by voice physically or virtually

    This nightly nausea (that fuzzy uncomfortable feeling you get seconds before vomiting but for hours) I have had since I was a kid and been stupid I use to hide it from my parents until my late teens and even now they only know about it when it’s really bad.

    then sensory issues on top where the sound of people eating, coughing, yawning, sneezing or heavy breathing makes me so uncomfortable and agitated, even after that sound is over I can still hear it as clear as if it was still happening for a range of time after making me even more agitated

    I seen my GP (he kept making a sucking sound between each sentence I wanted to say something but was to scared, by the end of the appt I was extremely edgy) yesterday to explain I’m starting to feel scared Im going to lash out as I have already started snapping back with no control it happens so fast I don’t get the chance even stop my self from doing it by mimicking the sound but in a really aggressive tone. The GP recommended me a few things like breathing exercises, grounding and even using a rubber band to snap on my wrist I know it’s not been long but the rubber band snapping sort of helps me but I find my self getting really snap happy if the feeling is bad then it stings for awhile after

    I struggle to focus on things I want to enjoy or did enjoy like programming, drawing I just lose focus within a few seconds to a minute even if I really want todo it then I get really agitated and upset at myself

    People say if you are unsafe to go to a hospital but my last experience was traumatic I know what I heard, a nurse saying I wasting there resources and if I was going to do it I would just do it, but now I’m questioning if that was a delusion from not sleeping in over 48 hours and that’s making me question if I’m attention seeking even though I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel, hospital investigated the complaint my GP lodged and they ended up apologising for how I was treated but even with that I don’t think I could ever go to one again even for a physical emergency, eg I was choking 2 weeks ago I forced my self to clear it my self was really scary but I’d choose that option over asking for help. I try to plan my words and actions carefully to avoid a hospital visit at all costs now

    thanks for reading my vent

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07
    Hey Skippy_07, welcome to our friendly online community. We are so glad you decided to join us here. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

    We're sorry to hear that you have nightly nausea, sensory issues, feel edgy, and that you are fearful of the hospital. It sounds like you are dealing with lots of things right now. Hopefully venting this on our forum has helped you to feel a little bit better. 

    We know you said you find it hard talking by voice, but please know that you are always welcome to make contact with our online support service. They are available on Webchat from 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

    If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, and if you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please know that there are online crisis support services available such as Lifeline Suicide Call Back Service. You can access these online chat and/or email-based services by visiting their websites.

    https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/
    https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
    https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

    We're not sure if you've heard of safety planning, but in case you haven't, we thought we'd briefly inform you about it. People use safety planning to help them stay safe when experiencing suicidal thoughts, feelings, distress or crisis. We have an app that people can use to create a safety plan. There is also a web version. You might want to learn more about this here: ty-planning?gclid=Cj0KCQiA4b2MBhD2ARIsAIrcB-TtofWfCYCno5FXmslxq9ZoRkIbHGqP7kfHsw-bJNC6Nb5QbEGcoLAaAnDQEALw_wcB

    We hope that some of these suggestions are helpful for you. Please continue to come here and post as you see fit. We are always around to listen. 
  3. Banksy92
    Community Champion
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    140 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07,

    Sorry to hear you've been dealing with so much right now and that you had such a negative experience in the hospital. No one deserves to be treated that way and I'm glad to hear they at least acknowledged it wasn't right. Please don't let a single experience stop you from seeking medical assistance if you need it though, there are so many brilliant doctors and nurses who are there to support you and ensure you are safe.

    That's great the rubber band technique is helpful, how did you go with the grounding and breathing techniques? I find these can be really helpful when I'm overstimulated.

    I was wondering if you have considered asking your doctor about a mental health care plan? Would you be open to speaking with a psychologist about how you've been feeling? I'm not qualified to make any assumptions here, but you have shared some unique symptoms that a specialist may be able to help you manage or overcome.

  4. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    14 November 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    Hello Banksy92 and Sophie_M,

    Thank you for the welcome, I'm a little more at ease about posting now after your kind and informative reply's I was going to post last night but kept putting it off getting really upset about if I should post or not.

    Sophie_M Thank you for them links I have booked marked them but been really honest I'm not sure I'd use them I have always found it hard to admit feeling suicidal I can't even say the word aloud, and the last time I reached out for help I felt like I got in trouble for it, and it might be easy to say/I even tell my self it that I should not let one bad experience stop me but it's complicated.

    Banksy92 Thanks for the encouragement, The breathing and grounding techniques help depending how worked up I let myself get and that really depends on how I'm feeling that day.

    I'm on a mental health plan my last (12th) appt with the psychologist is on Wednesday (was meant to be 2 weeks ago but I felt to sick to go) The lady has been really nice but we mostly focused on the OCD and dealing with handling distress, the ocd feels more like coping then its own thing as I only excessively clean (you will not find a spec of dust in my room when I'm down that rabbit hole and everything gets aligned to the mm with symmetry a big focus point but then I'm not happy with the results and that then feeds it more a vicious circle) When I'm really distressed other times my room is a mess (well I say a mess mum says cleanest room in the house)

    Learned about the sitting with the distress levels hit peak it will come back down but I always bail and fall into my safety behaviours like cuddling my minky blankie (I'm really worried when summer comes and it gets to hot to cuddle it) before it comes back down as I start getting unsafe thoughts. There is so much I leave out when I see the psychologist and even the doctor like I tell my self I need to talk about this or that but when it comes time I freeze up and I'm screaming in my head say it say it but rarely do. The psychologist see it sometimes and tells me I see you want to say something but I just smile and do a half hearted laugh for some reason like its not a funny laugh more a I'm to scared so I'm going to deflect with a laugh.

    There is more I'll say later as I'm feeling more free to type here as there is no time limits and I don't know its just something about typing atm that feel right even though its taken me alot of time to type up as my focus keeps getting broken every minute or so.

  5. Banksy92
    Community Champion
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    140 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07,

    I'm really glad to hear you've had some support through a mental health care plan and have been able to use grounding techniques to help in difficult times. I totally understand though, sometimes when we're really worked up it can be hard to get the most out of them. I've found by exploring as many coping strategies as possible, I have built out a selection I can choose from when I really need it. Everything from meditation, to journaling, to being creative or exercising... different situations call for different coping strategies.

    I can relate to some of what you describe, I've been working with my psychologist to 'sit in the uncomfortableness' to try and desensitize my urge to clean neurotically (I am triggered when I have guests coming over) for me, it's baby steps. Choosing one small thing I would have cleaned/organised and leaving it out when I do the others. It's hard but getting easier. I also try and use this time to pause and breathe through it.

    I'm really happy to hear you feel safe to write how you're feeling here, and express yourself. It's a great place to do this, I've found real comfort here sharing my thoughts and experiences here. We always welcome your posts. I know it can be really hard to vocalise our deepest feelings and thoughts, it's understandable if you don't feel comfortable or ready to share. But please know if it ever gets too much or you feel up to it, the wonderful people on service lines are able to help you.

    When is your final session with your psychologist? Perhaps they can refer you on or give advice on if you can extend the care plan. Let us know how you get on.

  6. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07

    So glad you feel a bit safer talking on the forum. We are all here for you.

    You know, I have ADHD and sometimes with ADHD it is really difficult with the inability to control emotions very well. Especially as a teenager, I used to become so agitated, angry at the world state and just wanted to lash out. So I somewhat get how you feel. The more you try to bottle it up and pretend to be normal to those around you, the more agitated you get and the more you feel like you just want to hit something. For me personally, (and everyone is different) I started martial arts. For me, it was great because I enjoyed sports and it was physical, but mostly it gave me a controlled safe outlet for my frustrations, anger, fear etc. My trainer will always be someone I have fond memories of, because he could see I needed to lash out at something, so punching mits on and the encouragement to hit them as hard as I needed to (poor guy). That may not be for you, but I do believe that having something safe to take your anger and frustration out on is good physically and mentally for when you are feeling that way. As an adult, I have a punching bag. That poor bag gets told so many frustrations I am feeling at that particular moment as I am free to yell at it anything I want to, get it all out at the same time and give myself a physical outlet as well. I can't hurt the bags feelings and I can't hurt the bag physically, but boy does it feel better afterwards. Even going into nature and just yelling out anything that's upsetting you. The trees and the animals are not going to care what you are yelling. Finding something calming and soothing helps though too. I love the beach and just sitting quietly and listening to the waves hit the rocks or a running creek and listening to the water. The saying "the quiet before the storm", I believe in the reverse as well, as it's always good after the storm to just sit and feel the quiet the storm has allowed you to feel.

  7. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Starting to talk with a psychologist at first can be really hard to mesh with them, feel comfortable about talking and being heard, not judged. If you feel that way though, ask to see a different psychologist. Finding one that really fits with you helps. Counsellors can be the best listeners as well. The hard part is what you have mentioned though, remembering everything you are meant to or want to say, not comfortable to put into words verbally because you don't want to be judged. Because I have ADHD, and especially if I'm really anxious, my memory becomes like a sieve when I sometimes go to my GP or psychiatrist. So what I do, is I write it all down before I go in. I will start a list as I remember things between visits and just keep adding to it. That way when I go in I can just hand it to them or as memory joggers. Like this forum, sometimes it's easier to write our feelings down than do face to face as it can feel a little confrontational, especially when already agitated. The writing does two things, acts as a journal to write it all down and get it all out, but also a non-verbal start for your doctors when you go in and see them, so they can see how you are feeling. There is also a phone app called eMoods Wellness Tracker that is free. You can track your moods, add notes and then generate a report to give to your doctors so they can see how you have been travelling each day. It's also good for you so can see possibly what some triggers may be other than noises, that makes you feel so irritable.

    I have noise problems as well. It's called Misophonia. Have a look on YouTube. There are some good doctors on there that explain it and ways to also help it you may be able to discuss with your doctors when you see them. In the meantime, I wish you all the very best and hope you have had a reasonable day today.

  8. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    Hello everyone,

    thank you all for the messages I’m a little overwhelmed atm to reply in any detail but have made notes on some of the feedback and recommendations like that emood app.

    so I’m currently in hospital I arrived a few hours ago just got taken from the waiting room to a room in the emergency waiting to see the doctor and mental health team.

    I was the most honest I have ever been to my psychologist telling her everything my thoughts, plans and after we talked for an hour it was recommended that I go to hospital to stay safe because she suggested the main one in the city not the one I was mistreated at there was a little hesitation but I allowed my self to say okay.

    been that open about suicidal thoughts and my plans was so hard I almost didn’t say a thing.

    I’ll likely be back on later to talk more but atm I’m really exhausted seeing I have not slept in a couple days and the amount of stress and panic I just went though.

  9. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07
    Hey Skippy,

    Thank you for updating us here. We're so glad to hear you were able to be honest with your psychologist, we acknowledge how much bravery this must've taken. We really hope this time in hospital is a positive experience for you and please keep us updated when you can.
  10. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07,

    I am so happy you were able, to be honest, and receive the help you currently need. I know the hospital system can be very daunting and some staff have more of a stigmatism towards patients than the unaware public, so I hope this experience is much better for you. Just remember if you are having problems to reach out to your psychologist and let her know.

    Rest well and we are all here for you when you need us.

  11. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hello,

    just seen the mental health person, I tried to tell him everything but found it harder to put words together or how to explain things.

    at the end I almost didn’t give it but I had my end letter and my what’s left of my dairy in my bag so I got him to take them as it explains things I’m struggling to say.

    he said community support would be better then inpatient and I very much like that idea just need to feel safe or have things put in place to feel safe.

    just gotta wait for him to go over everything now and come back with the plan.

    Been away from all these bad stimulating things I have definitely calmed down and been able to get a lot of sleep.

    still haven’t eaten yet as I’m pretty scared of hearing my self eat if it will set off the extreme discomfort and agitation but I got some water as I have not eaten or drink for over 2 days now, had a small drink seemed okay so I might ask for a sandwich in a little after I’m 100% sure it’s not going to trigger me.

    and thanks again for the kind responses

  12. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    18 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07,

    What a huge day and what huge accomplishments you have made today. Well done!

    Simply pushing through your fears of judgement and rejection and letting someone in so that you can receive the help you need is just amazing. Add to that at least some water, and that's so good too. I hope you managed to eat your sandwich and hold it down. I know you have a huge fear of how food and water have made you feel. No sleep, food and water unfortunately can just make it worse, so keep trying if you can. Our bodies need nourishment to heal, just as much as our souls and minds.

    I hope they have put a good plan into place for you so you continue to be safe and continue to heal xx

  13. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Not Limited

    Yesterday night on the way home from the hospital was going okay until the triggers started really wished the hospital staff accidentally done or even deliberately done them to see my reaction and how much its effecting me. as been in the room I was in at the ED the whole time none of them happened and it really relaxed me and made me feel good but only put me in a false sense of security from what followed after getting released

    I have a fear or even phobia level of getting in trouble this comes from my childhood. when I get in trouble I immediately jump to suicidal thoughts. Well on the way home my sister called dad to let him know I was coming home everything seemed fine he was happy I was coming home but when he said "he better keep taking his medication this time" I felt like I had just gotten in trouble I immediately starting to have intrusive thoughts at that point, but thought when I get home have a shower and go to bed

    When I got home I had a shower and wanted to catch up on some computer stuff then the second trigger happened hearing mum eat a packet of chips that distressing and uncomfortable feeling mixed with rage I ended up jumping out of my chair fist made and all I was ready to run out there is just let loss but I restrained myself, I had the meds and just put my self to bed with loud music playing ended up crying myself to sleep (it's rare for me to cry it takes alot to push me to that point even loss of a pet that happened a couple weeks ago I didn't cried but I was heart broken inside)

    It's so hard to follow the list of things to calm down when these triggers go from 0% distress to 110% right away and when at 100% its so much harder to think logically and to remember or think about doing these exercises

    Today was going better I did get 12 hours sleep last night going by my sleep tracker not sure if it was from the medication or just been so exhausted, I done 18 minutes of intense exercise, had some food seen a friend for a little bit in the afternoon. but now mum is watching TV she is back at them fing chips and really crunchy things went out to get a drink almost lost it at her then an hour later she came in my room wanted to know if I wanted some food as she left the room I did not get my headphones on fast enough and she made this loud sniffle slurp sound I snapped my wrist rubber band as fast and hard as I could, got so agitated as my brain seems to love to torture me by replaying it even after the real sound is gone

    clamed down now

  14. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07
    Hi Skippy_07,

    We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult recently, especially having to manage all of these fears and triggers on your own. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
  15. Not Limited
    Not Limited  avatar
    27 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07

    Oh, the sounds of people eating and slurping. When you are noise sensitive in those areas, it is extremely hard not to react to them. Sounds like some desensitisation therapy with your specialist might help you a lot there. I hope the hospital organised some continued support for you. Are you able to talk to your mum about how the noises cause you a lot of stress? This is a video you may be able to watch with your Mum so that you can both understand why the noises affect you and that Misophonia is very real. https://youtu.be/l401uIyrE_A

    There are a few YouTube videos regarding Misophonia, the fear you have of getting in trouble etc that can potentially help you understand why you may feel a certain way and also give you ideas of what to discuss with your psychologist next time you see her.

    Other than the sounds, how are you going today?

  16. Banksy92
    Community Champion
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    21 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy,

    Thanks for keeping us updated on your journey, it sounds like you've had a really big few days but have made major and positive strides. Speaking up about your thoughts and plans with a professional and accepting help is a great step. How did you feel about the people who were looking after you? I hope they treated you with care and respect.

    I understand how you feel when you say it's difficult to remember to do self care/coping exercises when you're triggered or overstimulated. When I'm at my most anxious the last thing I want to do is put in more effort and take care of myself. Often it's a forced step but with practice it feels more natural and comes to me easier.

    Can I ask, how did you feel after doing the exercise and seeing a friend? Do those types of activities help your overall mood/ability to relax?

    I also agree with Not Limited, if you can have a constructive and gentle conversation with your mum she may be more mindful of what you're going through.

    Let us know how you're going when you can.

  17. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    Banksy92 At first I was really hesitant in wanting to talk with the fear from my mistreatment last time at the other hospital but I told the clinician when he first came in to talk and he said something that changed alot for me, them few words meant more to me then he will ever know.

    He said That's not right we are here to help you. up until that point I did plan on walking out of the hospital and ending it after he left the room but them words felt like someone ripping that thought out of my brain and allowed me to open up more even though I was all over the place with my words along with nervous smiles.

    Yup its so hard to even force myself todo the self care/coping exercises once at a very high distress level but I have started precising them today even outside of the the distressed time to try and make them easier and second nature todo.

    After doing the exercise and seeing my friend I did feel really happy I don't really see friends that often maybe once a month sometimes less but talk to 2 of them online, but I'm going to make exercise part of my daily goals I downloaded this app called Tangerine: Self-care & Goals and put in goals I want todo for the day and so far on 2 day it has really helped me do them goals as you get a confetti animation when you check it off and my dislike for having a check list unfinished also helps motivate me, along with the journal part when sometime upsets me and makes me feel unsafe I'll take 5 and just type out my feels.

    Not Limited I'll check out that video and try and watch it with mum and dad.

    Today has been my best day in the passed couple months, I did get triggered once and half snapped I aggressively mimicked the sound aloud while standing next to mum and she said don't start that silliness I responded I can't help it, it's a uncontrollable response to these sounds but seemed less mad once I said that.

    I done some exercise and started reading a book along with starting to learn to draw, but even though the last 2 nights I have gotten 10 hours of sleep I feel really tired but pushed on with my goals and feel good about that a friend said because I cut out all candy and soft drinks at once it could just be withdrawals from refined sugars and will likely pass in a couple days.

  18. Banksy92
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    24 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy,

    Isn't it crazy how a simple sentence can have such a big impact on how we feel? I'm glad to hear you were treated with respect and care - it's what you deserve. And I'm really glad you trusted them enough to share what you've been going through and accept their help.

    Self care and goals app sounds really positive! I might have to download it myself, it sounds fun and helpful. Little steps in our day like pausing to check in and write how we feel can make such a big difference to our overall wellbeing. Journaling changed my life.

    And your exercise routine too, this will make an impact. Regular workouts can boost our mood, self-confidence and mental health. What kind of activities are you doing for this?

    I also think there could be truth to what your friend said, if you've cut out sugars, inevitably (if you were having it quite a bit before) the body will be fatigued and have cravings for a little bit. But stick to your guns, this is great for your health too! :)

    Rest up, after so much going on I'm sure a bit of extra sleep wouldn't hurt to help recharge your batteries.

    Look forward to hearing more about how you're getting on.

  19. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    29 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hello,

    As always and like gravity what goes up must come down, I feel my self slipping back into the darkness, and I can’t help but put on the fake smile and try to hide the pain.

    There was one question the clinician asked me when I was in the hospital and that was what changed or happened to set this all off I had no idea what it was but now I think I finally worked it out as I went years before everything come crashing down as I’m 30 now, I was just bottling everything up hiding my feelings and not allowing my self to go through emotions when something happened rather then deal with it I’d just bottle it up, when I finally asked for help it was like opening a soft drink bottle that had been very well shaken up. never allowing my self to deal and experience so many different feelings and emotions I get confused and overwhelmed really easily now.

    And the sensory stuff seems to be getting worse as it’s not just sound triggers there is smell and touch/feeling of object triggers as well, that make me feel so uncomfortable, angry, skin crawl and spine shivers etc

    well I semi lost control when my sister passed wind next to me as soon as I smelt it I had no control I slammed my fists on the table multiple times in a blind rage, (my sister thought it was funny blaming her son on it it’s not funny it’s dangerous and distressing for me to be deliberately pushing my triggers) once I realised i released the rage I had been struggling to hold back with the sound triggers that happen multiple times a day I became so heightened just seeing mum wiggling her toes while she was watching TV I almost lost it again I had to leave the house for a walk took me like an hour to clam but I had to go to bed with ANC headphones when I got home as the senses where still extremely heightened and easier to trigger this happened last week but I’m more snappy when these triggers happen.

    Also getting low on energy I’ll sleep for 10 hours at night but still feel really tired in the morning and through the day and when I when I want todo something I use to enjoy the energy and motivation is just not there and paper/cardboard just feels really yuck almost like a shock going down my spine atm so drawing is out. last night was only about 4 hours as my luck on not feeling sick at night ran out.

    I’ll try and do some of my goals today maybe go outside and get some sun but it feels like a vicious cycle that is to hard to change.

  20. Banksy92
    Community Champion
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    30 November 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy,

    Sorry to hear you've not been feeling the best lately. Sounds like you're senses are in overdrive.

    When your nervous system feels like there is an ''external threat'' we go into fight or flight mode. In the animal kingdom it would be a predator. For humans today it can be all sorts of things, but the body responds in a similar way. So our senses are even more heightened to help protect us. Sound, light, smell, taste. We also get an adrenalin hit to help us run away or fight the predator. I think because you're dealing with so much right now, you're senses are on alert more often than not.

    For me, when I am really anxious I am really sensitive to smell - which makes me want to clean everything. Or I get really itchy / sensitive on my skin.

    To reduce this hypersensitivity it's good to try and regulate your nervous system. To help the primal brain understand there is no threat. Sometimes just going for a short walk can help move the energy around the body, or some of the other tactics we've discussed (guided meditation, journalling, drawing etc.)

    Have you got an appointment coming up soon with a psychologist?

    I hope something here helps. Let us know how you're getting on.

  21. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    30 November 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    Hi Banksy92

    Thanks so much for responding to my ramblings :) I have made some changes to try and clam my self down I have set timers for daily meditation time where even if I'm feeling really happy I'll take 5 mins and just sit down and close my eyes and bring my focus to my breathing and just breath clearing my mind, also trying to do morning walks again. I also changed the rubber bands on my wrist to bright coloured ones so I can see and remember its there to use when its needed.

    I no longer have a psychologist atm as I have used up all my 12 appointments under the Mental Health Care plan. when I see the doctor in 2 weeks I'll have to ask him what's the best way moving forward to make sure I don't start going backwards as the last 6 months as been a lot of really hard work.

    I also found a better app for tracking mood and goals, I'm using it more like a bullet log where when my mood changes good or bad I select the mood level rad,good,meh,bad,awful and just give it one sentence on what I'm doing at the time. I'm hoping this will allow me to see what things change my mood and hopefully allow me to work on strategies on handling what's going on. I also lowered my goals to try and be just a little more realistic with OCD and a little perfectionism I did set goals that where completely unrealistic. (I had a friend check my new goals to make sure they where realistic and achievable)

  22. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Trying todo the right thing, trying to better my self just seems so hard and a battle that might not be worth fighting.

    I try and eat healthy and keep within a reasonable amount of daily KJ it’s extremely hard and takes soo much willpower not to eat comfort food through the day and doing 30 mins of intensive exercise but night time comes and I destroy all that hard work and fall into overeating on all the sweets and comfort foods to only regret it after I have done it but I can’t stop my self.

    I don’t really enjoy anything no more I don’t really find anything fun and I have pretty much given up on the things I deeply wanted to enjoy/learn as I just can’t focus and stay motivated so what’s the point of even trying.

    Mum took me to her doctor I was way more comfortable and felt safer with him but how do I ask to move to him as my primary it feels like betrayal to leave my current doctor I feel really conflicted about it.

    The doctor ordered a scan in relation to the nausea and heart burn that’s tomorrow but I almost feel like canceling it and just giving up on the healthy eating and exercise and just isolate my self to my room where I can just sleep and just be with my thoughts good or bad.

    I feel like I’m just repeating everyday the same, wasting time with nothing to show for it.

    i don’t know what todo no more.

  23. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6126 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Skippy_07
    Hi Skippy_07,

    We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it sounds like it's been really hard.  The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

    In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

    • Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

    • If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
     
  24. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    262 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hey skippy

    Sorry to hear your struggling so much.

    In regards to the eating thing, I might give you some advice that was given to me in recovery from bulimia. 'if we restrict our food and calories all day, it leads to cravings and binges. It continues to feed the restrict-binge (and in my case purge) cycle.' so what that is saying if we lower our intake too much it will lead to binging, and intense exercise will only intensify those urges due to the body using more fuel. Not to say our cases were the same, but for me to reduce my binging I had to have a higher calorie intake than I would have liked (which ended up being less than if I was binging anyway) I dont know if that helps at all. And don't be too hard on yourself if binges happen. Recovery takes time, getting in best eating/intake for ourselves takes time. It wont happen overnight and slip ups happen.

    Anyway, I am now fully recovered from my eating disorder, something at 28 I never thought possible after struggling with it for over 20 years.

    And another thing. Drs work you, if your comfortable it's well within your rights to change practitioners. I hope you do end getting that scan and it all goes ok.

    Hope you are safe. We are here for you.

  25. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    140 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy,

    You've shared some really great wins in your recent replies that I was so pleased to hear from you! :) All your efforts towards refining your goals to be achievable, building in a routine for meditation and sticking with exercise are all fantastic lifestyle changes. How are you feeling after each of these?

    Remember, our overall mood can change daily but our lifestyle habits all work towards a better overall mental and physical health. So even if you are sometimes feeling good and sometimes feeling bad, know that you are doing the right things to support a happier you in the long run.

    I also think you're being too tough on yourself about the food. I understand it doesnt feel good to binge after a day of healthy habits (trust me, I've been there) but I also think you're putting in loads of effort right now in other ways, so you should cut yourself a some slack if this element isn't quite there yet. We cant always be perfect! Maybe you can work a small and achievable goal related to food into the routine, rather than trying to stick to a strict eating plan? Baby steps go far.

    Also with the doctor, if you're feeling more comfortable I say go for the transition. I'd call the reception and ask if your patient notes to be transferred across. Put yourself first. You absolutely deserve to feel comfortable with your doctor.

    Let us know how you go, thinking of you.

  26. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    18 December 2021 in reply to Banksy92

    I wasted all that time I tried improving as at the end of the day nothing will change I’ll always just be a lazy useless person I’ll always just annoy and disappointed everyone around me.

    Everyday is the same I do nothing productive even if I want to. But I endure just to keep everyone else satisfied.

  27. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    115 posts
    26 December 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    Vent away.

    The dickhead on a jetski.....

    What a tool seriously

  28. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    140 posts
    28 December 2021 in reply to Skippy_07

    No time spent on improving yourself is wasted Skippy_07, it all accumulates to our learning, our growth, and our journey in life. Please know you are a loved and valued person - not a disappointment. We here in the community are really happy to have you. Expressing yourself, being honest and keeping us up to date with your story. We want tot be here for you, support you and encourage you every step of the way.

    Did you manage to shift to your preferred doctor yet?

  29. Skippy_07
    Skippy_07 avatar
    12 posts
    6 January 2022 in reply to Banksy92

    "No time spent on improving yourself is wasted Skippy_07,"

    Hmm maybe.

    "Did you manage to shift to your preferred doctor yet?"

    No I changed my mind and then never went back to see the doctor and at this point I don't think I will, I don't want to waste there time and resources.

    Yesterday I started to learn to draw again it was a massive task to get started and to follow through with just 30 minutes and then at the end I was so so exhausted I had to have a 4 hour nap (slept like a rock) even though I slept 8 hour that night. I was so scared to start and to learn, I'm scared of failure and of the learning process.

    Even though I pushed through yesterday I'm back at square 1 again today to scared to pick up the pencil and to learn.

    I think last year made things worse seeing a psychologist dug things up and only scratched the surface in the amount of sessions I had and now I'm left with these feelings and emotions and memories I spent years suppressing, Now I can get triggered by so many different things that change my mood in all types of directions multiple times a day. No matter how much I try to re-suppress everything it just ends up with been all angry and snappy.

    I don't know maybe I'm just been a big sook.

  30. Banksy92
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Banksy92 avatar
    140 posts
    6 January 2022 in reply to Skippy_07

    Hi Skippy_07,

    You're definitely not being a big sook - everything you've expressed is extremely valid. And something many of us have experienced. Often the starting process of therapy can be really jarring - I was extremely triggered in the initial stages of my journey. There were traumas in there I didn't even realise until I started digging things up. And I had gotten by all that time by ignoring them, so bringing it all to the surface makes you feel quite vulnerable. it's a natural response.

    Self-care is a really important strategy to counter the mind and body's response to this. My psych says for every 1 hour of 'really triggering' therapy do 4x as much self care during the week to try and reduce symptoms.

    Drawing would be a great outlet. Maybe you can add to this experience with nice music, scented candles? Or follow it up with some breathing exercises?

    I'm sure the decision you made around seeing a healthcare person was the right choice for you at the time. If you're instincts are telling you to hold off for a bit, or that you aren't ready that's okay. As long as you know there are people you can turn too if you feel you really need it in future. Take things at your own pace.

    Have you considered revisiting a professional this year to continue the journey to heal?

    Thinking of you.

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