I feel like I need some advice with a whole range of emotions I have been feeling for the better part of a year and a half. For some background, I have been diagnosed with GAD, SAD and major depression, however, these symptoms and emotions I’m feeling feel so strong and different to ones I’ve felt before. I am so lost with who I am.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I have moulded myself into someone who is different with every person I’m with and I don’t know who I am when I’m alone. When I am alone, I’m a mess. I’m anxious, irritable, empty, bored and become angry and frustrated for no particular reason and as such, create problems that don’t exist and take my anger out on my loved ones. I lash our for no reason and say nasty things to people and within 1 hour I regret and have no idea why I’ve been so awful. I’m impulsive and buy things I don’t need, I cut my hair, I drink excessive amounts of alcohol and get ear piercings and tattoos. I can be suicidal and self harm and the next day don’t understand why. I feel ugly, worthless, empty and hate everything about myself.
On the flip side, I’m ecstatic. I love myself, almost narcissistic. I think I’m amazing, beautiful and like I am better than everyone else. I’m on top of the world. Sometimes, I feel like there is no in between these emotions. They fluctuate so much and it’s exhausting. I still experience anxiety and panic attacks and they have evolved into hurting myself in order to try and manage them. I feel derealisation and detached from my body and the anger later ensues.
I have lost complete control over regulating my emotions and it’s now impacting on my family and relationships. I’ve tried to get help but every psychologist I’ve contacted is not accepting new patients. I’m not a danger to anyone, I just cannot control how I feel or manage those intense emotions.
Does anyone else experience these extreme mood swings while spending the “down time,” empty and angry? How do you deal with it when you don’t have professional help?
I appreciate any advice.
P.S. I have seen doctors and psychologists in the past, as well as a psychiatric doctor in hospital but only for GAD and depression, not these symptoms.