why, just why. why do i have to feel like this? every night its "your ugly nobody likes you. cut your wrists, run away." those thoughts repeat over and over in my head. why? probably just puberty i guess. -but my life is fine at the moment. fine friends, fine mum. so why? maybe because of trauma? but that was 6 years ago why now? i don't even remember half of the stuff that happened. jesus, why do i have to feel like? maybe because the one time i told my best friend i was self harming she didn't seem to care? maybe because i don't have many friends? maybe because my face is absolutely ugly? probably just puberty.

you know what's funny? i like being sad, not for attention i promise. but just when i'm alone in my room. when i'm sad i am more in the present than ever, i feel calm. i'm not trying to impress anyone i can just cry or sit there listening to music. being sad or 'emotionless' just lets me think. its as if my mind goes into this state of tiredness and self hate. where i'm the only one criticizing myself, where i'm the only one who can hurt me. but then i start to overthink everything. what if this is what death is like? sadness, empty minded, unable to feel but able to recognise hurt? only able to feel what we all truly feel. confusing huh? i guess. i mean i guess that's why i want to die so much. the thought of always being in a state of calm. nothing to worry about, no guilt. just nothing. sounds like a dream- well at least my dream. i guess im halfway there though. never showing much emotion, always tired. detaching myself from daily things. i dont know whats going on anymore, hell, i can't even remember simple things i just heard 5 seconds ago. i can't remember anything. i dont have anymore motivation. i've been down this hole before but of course, just ofcourse. i've had to fall in it again. guess holidays have really made me focus on whether life is that important to keep living for. although everyone says life is too short, then why does it feel like an eternity, why am i waiting for an end? i guess its just puberty.

i wish i had more friends. no i'm not talking about being popular. i just mean 1-2 close friends who i know will be there for me like i would be there for them. i've told my best friend multiple times "i'm here if you ever want to talk" when do i get to hear that directed towards me. i don't tell anyone how i feel because they either make it about themselves or don't care.Who knows it's probably just puberty.

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing what's happening for you. Sounds like you've been struggling a lot and that you feel hardly anyone cares. It takes alot of courage and strength to share this, so we're really glad you have and know that you are certainly not alone.
 
We have reached out to you privately tonight to see how we can support you and to also check in with you. Please check your inbox.
 
We urge you if you feel unsafe or that you may act upon these feelings, this is an emergency and you should contact 000.
 
We hope that you are safe and that other members of our Beyond Blue community will stop by to provide support also.
 

An incredibly warm welcome to you :)

So glad you came here to express your feelings. You deserve to be heard and supported in ways that make a difference. No one should have to feel the way you feel without also feeling support. My heart goes out to you.

You sound like a sensitive person. There are so many people here on the forums who can relate to the challenges of sensitivity. It can be so hard to feel everything so deeply. Being insensitive can be easy. When you're insensitive, you don't feel the need to help anyone or feel others bringing you down. You don't feel the challenges in life or the impact others have on you. You don't feel the need to question so much or the need to wonder why you're here. The list is long for an insensitive person, just as it is long for a sensitive.

From personal experience, I can relate to the self harming as well as the depths of depression. I can recall often asking 'What's wrong with me?' It wasn't until I was out the other side of depression that the questions began to change in a way where I was beginning to find constructive answers. 'What's wrong with me?' still remained one of my questions yet it took on a different form.

While in depression, that question brought about answers such as 'You're too dramatic, you're too sensitive, you're too difficult, too self focused' and so on. Outside of depression the answers took on greater clarity. I was dramatic because feeling like you don't want to be here anymore is dramatic. It's incredibly serious stuff that involves deep personal conflict. I was and still am highly sensitive and for good reason. Sensitivity is was leads us to feel our connection or disconnection to life. We need to feel our sensitivity so as to know whether we're on course or off course or where a particular course is taking us. We need to feel whether others are actually guiding us or if they're not. With 'I'm too difficult', this is only the case for people who aren't up to helping us with the challenges we face. For anyone else, nothing is too difficult when it comes to them helping us. With self focus, of course we're going to be focused largely on our self when we're trying so desperately to work our self out. Anyone who has felt depression understands this. 'Why do I feel the way I do, think the way I do, act the way I do?' Part of our reason for being here is to better understand who we naturally are. Getting a feel or a sense of who can help us is the key.

Do you wish to know your self?

:)

Hi Lazy, I had trouble typing that as there is a huge difference between being lazy and struggling with mental health.

Sure, you are probably right, puberty does really knock us around, however the thoughts you are having are more serious than "worries of a teenager". I want to firstly make sure that you are ok, that you are safe and that if you are in danger you please call 000 and have an ambulance come to you. I also wanted to say too that thoughts are just that, thoughts..they are not actions and while it is so very hard with that constant horrific noise in your head, they are just that, loud horrific noise.

Trauma will play a really big part in how you feel, while as you say you do not remember alot of the detail, but I am sure that the events are stored away somewhere which is perhaps what is feeding these "thoughts". I am wondering if you would reach out to perhaps the Kids Helpline to chat about this with some really awesome people who can provide some really great support?

I hear you in that the time you are alone, where you can criticize and beat up yourself is someone calming, can I suggest it is like you protecting yourself and getting to you first so that others cannot not? That if you say all these words to yourself then others will not? There is comfort in being alone but when we use the time to heal and to practice self love and I hope that you can consider that you are worth this more than ever, to give yourself the chance to hear some positive and heartfelt words about you.

It does hurt when you confide in a person and they don't respond in a way that is helpful to you or even in a caring way, it can be like that and especially with things like mentioning self harm, sometimes people do care so very much but have no idea how to support, it does not mean they don't care they just don't know how to. As you also mentioned too, sometimes their reaction is to make it about them, once again, a sign that they may not know how to support you. It has no bearing on them wanting to be a friend to you, just that they are not able to understand perhaps.

We are here for you...I will say that again..we are here for you Lazy, to chat, to listen and to let you know how much you matter and that there are things, however so very small that could make one moment of the day have some joy.

You write so very well and express how you feel so very well and I hope to chat to you some more. Sure "probably just puberty"..but I think there is more.

Huge hugs

Sarah

Thank you so much. its true, i do wish to know myself better. when say that i mean beyond gender and sexuality. life is confusing but thats life for you. you're never going to have a perfect life, perfect doesn't exist. these things we go through are completely normal and help us develop mature aspects, skills and lots of other things. although when i say this stuff, it's hard to really get it through my head.

thank you for the warm welcome, have a great day/ night :)

thank you for the help! i really appreciate it :)

Hi :)

Do you find it's hard to get things/ideas/concepts settling into your head unless you can really relate to them in some way? It's like you can have 99 people try to have you relate to a concept you just don't get and along comes person 100 who leads you to relate to it brilliantly.

I've found it can be a matter of 'collecting' people throughout life you really resonate with in specific ways. Was saying to someone just the other day how it can feel like it takes a lifetime to form of collection of 'go to' people. You can find the best GP, the best philosophical pal (who you click with so naturally), the best of wonderful people who wonder about so much that they could inspire you to spend a whole day in amusing wonder regarding a variety of topics, the best teacher who has you develop incredible faith in yourself and the list goes on, as you go through life.

I found the thing about gradually discovering the best of everything, including the best in yourself...you stop settling. 'Now that I know I'm this way, I can't settle for accepting myself any other way', 'Now that I know how much I love to wonder and question, I can't settle for sitting with someone who has no interest in this, if I'm in an excited state of wonder', 'Now that I know there's so much learn about life, I can't settle for not knowing'. There's so much we shouldn't settle for. From my own experience, I've found settling can become depressing. One of the ways I manage not returning to depression involves me not allowing myself to settle for less than what I feel I deserve or need, on some soulful level. This is a mega challenge when you have people in your life who expect you to settle. A lot of the time such people may not realise this is what they're getting you to do...

My 18yo daughter and 15yo son have taught me to be a reasonable mum. They rarely settle for no reason, which is fair. We teach each other to be reason able. Being reasonable is a skill. Up until my kids taught me this skill, I was more so one of those parents who says 'Just do as you're told. Don't question me'. That was the way I was taught. I'm grateful to my kids for re-educating me, to question anything questionable. We're typically conditioned to settle without question. It's kind of like our natural need to know everything is conditioned out of us. Regaining this natural aspect of self does tend to trigger some people. I'm a cheeky one, as sometimes I do love triggering certain people in my life.

:)

Thank you so much, i completely agree! and yes i do find it very hard to get things through my head unless i can really relate to them. the feeling is like when a pet you love has passed, and only a couple of days after you realise what has actually occurred. thank you for the post

:)

Hey there :)

If we're a deeply thoughtful person, a bit of a wonderer, analyst or philosopher, I believe it can sometimes take a little longer to process things because we process them at a much deeper level than basically processing them. A deeper level tends to have a lot more feeling attached to it, I find.

Wondering if you're a bit of a deep thinker. Perhaps you're even a sensitive one, where you can feel your thoughts and the impact they have on you, physically. I find it amazing how thoughts can energise us or drain us at times.

:)