Hi Lazy, I had trouble typing that as there is a huge difference between being lazy and struggling with mental health.
Sure, you are probably right, puberty does really knock us around, however the thoughts you are having are more serious than "worries of a teenager". I want to firstly make sure that you are ok, that you are safe and that if you are in danger you please call 000 and have an ambulance come to you. I also wanted to say too that thoughts are just that, thoughts..they are not actions and while it is so very hard with that constant horrific noise in your head, they are just that, loud horrific noise.
Trauma will play a really big part in how you feel, while as you say you do not remember alot of the detail, but I am sure that the events are stored away somewhere which is perhaps what is feeding these "thoughts". I am wondering if you would reach out to perhaps the Kids Helpline to chat about this with some really awesome people who can provide some really great support?
I hear you in that the time you are alone, where you can criticize and beat up yourself is someone calming, can I suggest it is like you protecting yourself and getting to you first so that others cannot not? That if you say all these words to yourself then others will not? There is comfort in being alone but when we use the time to heal and to practice self love and I hope that you can consider that you are worth this more than ever, to give yourself the chance to hear some positive and heartfelt words about you.
It does hurt when you confide in a person and they don't respond in a way that is helpful to you or even in a caring way, it can be like that and especially with things like mentioning self harm, sometimes people do care so very much but have no idea how to support, it does not mean they don't care they just don't know how to. As you also mentioned too, sometimes their reaction is to make it about them, once again, a sign that they may not know how to support you. It has no bearing on them wanting to be a friend to you, just that they are not able to understand perhaps.
We are here for you...I will say that again..we are here for you Lazy, to chat, to listen and to let you know how much you matter and that there are things, however so very small that could make one moment of the day have some joy.
You write so very well and express how you feel so very well and I hope to chat to you some more. Sure "probably just puberty"..but I think there is more.