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Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Scrambled

  1. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    31 January 2021 in reply to Anzee
    Hi Anzee,

    It sounds like you have had a lot going on since you last wrote.

    I can't imagine what your going through right now. I'm glad to hear you and your family are safe and your getting the support you all need. I hope your psych appointment goes ok tomorrow.

    I'm glad to hear that the school is also supporting you and your daughter at this time. A gradual transition sounds like a good plan.

    You are so strong and brave Anzee, although this all must feel really overwhelming atm, stay focused and what is right for you and the kids and above all, don't forget to breath. I have no doubts that there will be speed bumps along the way but I also have confidence that you'll get through this. You've got this!

    I'm never to far away if you need.

    C.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    20 March 2021

    How is everyone?

    im still separated feom my partner and can’t get back with him until he has completed some behaviour change courses says child protection which has been incredibly hard. But I’m actually feeling pretty good. Feeling stronger slowly and the kids are so much happier. But I still miss him and want my familiar life back that feels safe unlike such unknown territory of solo parenting and dealing with legal services preventing me from going back.

    hows therapy, work and your support group catie?

  3. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Anzee
    Hi Anzee, sorry it took me so long to get back to you!
    I'm glad to here that you and the kids are doing well. Your showing such strength during such an uncertain time.
    I hope your partner is able to complete the required course soon to enable you both to work through the next steps into the future and return some form of normality to your lives.

    I've been having a bit of a rough time lately. I've just been a bit overwhelmed with everything and its surprising how quickly it drags you down when it happens. I almost took a mental health day at work yesterday but I feel obligated to go because I knew I had heaps of work. Thankfully today is Friday and the weekend should provide some relief. I've got some time off over Easter so I'm looking forward to taking that time to recharge my batterys and do some self care.

    I tried to make an appointment with my psychologist yesterday but I can't get in until 20th April... not ideal....

    I hope you have a lovely day x
    C.
  4. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    31 March 2021
    Not doing so well today. Anxety has taken hold, feeling sick panicky and totally overwhelmed.

    Its so strange that I have disclosed my childhood trauma to my family and have worked on it with my psychologist any yet still im here feeling like I'm drowning. Its not even the trauma menories, more the residual feelings that a life of living it has left behind. More than anything I would just like to cry my eyes out but I've spent a life time hiding this from everyone and not getting emotional about it was a coping strategy which is now causing more harm than good. Agghh its just all too hard!!!!
  5. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    2 April 2021 in reply to Catie 08
    Sorry I closed off again because things got too much but I completely understand where you’re coming from. I very rarely cry in front of people other than my psych and my psych has told me a few times that I need to start crying more when I need to instead of holding it in. I still go back and forth but last week I went to a friends house layed on her couch for half the day and just cried my heart out while she entertained and watched my 4yo for me and it was actually so amazing. I have actually only just started crying properly with my psych too. Like I’ve cried to her a few times but the last 2 sessions I have spent most of it crying my heart out and it really does help. It’s almost like a release. Then yesterday I unexpectedly got triggered by all of my friends going on holidays, camping trips etc with their families for the long weekend and the Easter holidays and I had to come home and cry for half an hour before I went to work, I just couldn’t stop it made me want my family back so badly so we could go away on family trips. My psych also told me on Monday night she actually works with convicted perpetrators of domestic family violence and she sent me a sheet she has done with her clients on different types of abuse they used. I ticked the boxes of the abuse he uses and there was 20 something different types so my psych told me that was an extensive amount of abuse and she has no doubt that I have experienced that level of violence from him as I just struggle so badly to accept it’s true so always doubt my experiences, minimise them until I convince myself I’ve exaggerated everything and none of his abuse was actually that bad (even though he’s admitted to all of it) anyways that became all about me very quickly but y point was childhood abuse literally lives in every aspect of your life and it’s so not fair and it’s so hard but crying (for me anyways) almost let’s me validate by pain. I hope you can find some time to let your tears out. I see you, I hear you and I UNDERSTAND!! 💓
  6. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    13 April 2021
    Today I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm sitting in a dingie off the west coast of Tasmania in the 50ft swell that they just had, trying to hang on and not throw up.
    I just wish I could get a break from it.
  7. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    15 April 2021 in reply to Catie 08
    It’s so hard and so unfair. I hate that we have to feel all of these big and painful emotions. I feel like we’ve already been through enough, surely things should be easier for us. I hope you’re getting lots of love and support. X
  8. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    19 April 2021
    How are you feeling catie? Hope things have improved and you’re not feeling as anxious/ on edge. X
  9. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    18 August 2021
    I'm doing it a bit tough today. I haven't been here for a whilst, I've been working of some different type of therapy ACT and IFS and have been seeing some good results. I have been able to help the hurt inner child who was stuck in the traumatic moments of the past. It's like she was waiting for someone to rescue her, I just didn't realise she was waiting for me. 30 + years she waited and now that I have done this I feel that she is gone. It's like she has collapse in exhaustion and died. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'm grieving for her. I am feeling equally as exhausted but trying to push through to do my work and raise my family. It's hard work. I wish I could just sleep for a month to try and regain some energy.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    20 August 2021
    I hate that some days I can be fine and then others I can feel completely engulfed by the pain and feelings of being overwhelmed. I just want to be able to live my life and move forward but somehow I'm constantly being pulled backwards, like I'm not allowed to be ok. It's like I belong with the pain and no matter what I do I keep ending up back in it.
  11. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    21 August 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    Hugs catie, it’s all so super tough. I feel like it’s always one thing after another in my life, like the girls and I were about to become homeless and we tried crisis accommodation and were on the waiting list to go to a refuge but it was all too hard and I wasn’t coping mentally so we’re now living with him again, against the recommendation of all services involved but I will say it’s taken my mind and struggles away from my childhood abuse and that is definitely not something I will complain about. I feel like anything is easier than dealing with childhood abuse/ trauma. We were literally almost homeless and lost all the support of family and friends but it was still more Manageable than trying to face and talk about that childhood abuse. Don’t get me wrong this has been unbelievably hard and there was stages I didn’t think I was going to survive it but coming out of that darkness just felt that bit closer.

    Are you still working with the same therapist? I finally got the courage after more than a year to meet my therapist in person instead of Telehealth and now we’re back in lockdown so I feel like that’s another 3 steps back and I can already feel myself slipping deeper back into that denial.

  12. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    10 October 2021
    Is it wrong that I fantasise about getting sick and refusing treatment so I don't have to do this anymore? The thought of there being an end to all of this gives me hope. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of the constant battle to keep my head above water.
  13. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6150 posts
    10 October 2021 in reply to Catie 08
    Dear Catie_08

    We are so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. Fantasising about such things is a reflection of the pain and exhaustion you are experiencing at the moment. We're glad that you're using our forum to connect with people and express your feelings. We hope that posting on here brings you some comfort. 

    Please remember that you are not alone. We hope the forums help you to be aware of this fact. However, we also wanted to point out that, in addition to peer support, there is also professional support available. We are unaware of the current professional support you are using if any, but please know that you are always welcome to contact our Support Service for support and referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

    Additionally, if this suicidal ideation becomes stronger and too overwhelming for you, please do not hesitate to contact crisis support services, such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000). 

    Our community is always here to listen and support you. Please do continue to post as you see fit.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    Hope you’re getting lots of support catie.

    Sometimes when I’m feeling really low I remind myself that I have been in that place before, I have felt those low low feelings and I have thought they were never going to go away or get better but it always has. I don’t write in my journal anywhere as it went missing for a while so I don’t feel safe writing in it, but luckily I was doing every day journal at a time when I felt the lowest and didn’t think it would ever improve so I was able to read back on those times and know that things would get better.

    you’re a super tough human, and you can get through this. I believe in you.

  15. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Anzee

    Thanks Anzee.

    I've managed to push everyone away so now I'm feeling so lonely whist trying to keep my head above water.

    I went to therapy yesterday and didn't find it helpful at all. He kept saying that I have to change my thinking but when yourve been taught to think a certain way for the past 38years it's not as easy as snapping your fingers and everything changing. I'm stuck and I don't know how to unhook from it. I am so so so hard on myself. He kept saying that I need to stop trying to be better than others but I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to be better than me. I'm the one judging me for not doing enough, I'm the one judging me for not being more and not being able to do the things I want to be able to do. It's not about others, it's about me.

    I kept saying that I don't now how to change but I felt him getting frustrated with me.

    I'm feeling very wobbly today. I've made an appointment with my GP but that's not until Monday so I just need to hold on tight until then.

  16. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    I could have written all of that myself, I can absolutely relate.

    I always feel like my supports (I only really have professional supports) get so frustrated with me and tell me to stop with the negative self talk, change my thinking patterns etc and I always say if it was that easy I wouldn’t be in therapy. I know they mean well but honestly do they think we don’t try?!

    how’s your relationship with your GP? Thankfully I’m pretty comfortable with mine and can talk to her about most things.

    how’s everything going at home?
    I wish I could wave a magic wand or snap my fingers and make everything better for you :( I wish I could do it for myself too lol.

    I met a new therapist last weekend after losing my previous psych but I struggle so much to not overthink my situation and I keep telling myself the new therapist is probably already sick of me after one session because that abandonment and rejection was triggered when my previous psych told me she was leaving and the one she referred me to said she wasn’t the right fit, I know feel like I’m too messed up and too much work for any therapist. Obviously deep down I know it’s unlikely but you can’t just change that way of thinking, it takes a lot of work that’s for sure.

  17. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Anzee

    I'm only really allowing professional supports at the moment, I feel like such a burden to everyone else so I shut myself down and push everyone away. I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling last night but he's not the type of person you have a deep and meaningful with so when I told him about the thoughts I'm having he just frowned at me, he doesn't understand how I can be feeling the way I do and hates when I talk like that.

    I'm feeling like I've been sucked into this depressive vortex and it's spinning so fast I can't claw my way out. It's exhausting!! I hate when people imply that we aren't doing enough because it is everything we have to just survive the day.

    I don't spend a lot of time with the GP but I'm able to be honest with him.

    It's hard to find the right fit in therapy, I'm starting to think after two years I might have reached the limit of benefits I can get from seeing him.... I'm not going to start again with someone new, I can't rehash all of that again, it's too much.

    I hope that you can find the right therapist to help you soon x

  18. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    I spoke too soon, I had a call from our family services worker and she said she’d received risk assessment and she said it was bad and she’s very concerned for our safety so now I’m having panic attacks flat out again.

    I think unfortunately, this is just going to be our life until we can begin to heal our deep deep wounds but I’m not sure how you’re actually supposed to do that when you have kids to care for 24/7. I always used to say to my psych I’ll do the work when my kids are old enough to look after themselves (my kids are extremely attached to me so she used to always respond with what? When they’re 16?) unless you have AMAZING support particularly with caring for your kids needs 24/7 I just don’t feel like we really get a chance to take care of ourselves, we’re so busy and distracted all the time and we have so much to do to keep everyone and everything going.

    I am forever telling myself I want a break from therapy and that I just want to be back in my denial bubble, BUT unfortunately I think once you’ve let it out and become more aware it is super dipper hard to push it all back down.

    I know when I lost my psych I was adamant I would never find or talk to someone else and that no one else was going to be able to help me but I’ve already learnt different therapists are trained in so many different and specific ways that every experience is different.

    have you ever tried crisis counseling specifically for sexual assault? I was referred to a clinic who specialise in sexual assault and they do very specific and crisis counseling. After a few sessions they said they couldn’t work with me as I was being retraumatised in my relationship but I know people who have seen them and it really made that shift for them. I plan to connect with them again when the rest of my life settles down haha.

    it’s so hard when the people you have to support you don’t understand mental health, my mum pretty much acts like mental health is just an excuse to not do things so I struggled so much to accept I needed help and that I wasn’t well and needed support, I still struggle now because I’ve grown up to believe you don’t ask for help and support you just push it down and move on with your life.

    would he consider talking to someone to help support you? Our sexual assault clinic offers counseling, support and advice to families and loved ones of the victim.

    hope you find something soon. X

  19. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    16 October 2021 in reply to Anzee

    I'm sorry to hear that this is the situation your in. It certainly feels impossible to do the work when your focus is the kids and others around don't understand the additional load we carry and the toll that it takes on our mind, body and soul.

    I'm feeling so paper thin at the moment. Thankfully we have just been put into a snap lockdown so I am forced to stop and take a breather, even if it is just for a few days. Covid can have its blessings sometimes. I'm lucky that our kids are a bit older now and very self sufficient but even with that I'm always running for them. Please don't wait for them to be 16 to do the work, you will always be running for them, you will always be worried about and for them, if there is a way to start the work now, even if it's just in a small way, please try. It will ultimately benefit all of you.

    I read something yesterday... you have made it through 100% of your hard days... it made me stop and think. Yes, I have survived every tough day I've ever had so far so it shows me it's possible, I'm just worried now because I'm feeling so worn out that it's not always going to be possible. I need to find ways to recharge to be able to continue to make it through.

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    19 October 2021
    I went to group therapy today and as soon as it started I felt like I shouldn't be there. I could feel all of the energy just drain away from me. I knew I was using my days reserve of energy just being there. I came home after and stuffed myself with chocolate and coffee trying to replenish my energy but all I could see was how much I'm punishing myself. I hate that I let myself get so depleted, I feel like it's going to an eternity to pull myself back out. That was the last group session for now, now it's time to stop and take better care of me.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    20 October 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey catie, sorry I ended up having a breakdown of my own lol, on top of the other stuff my DV worker (the only person I really had left to trust has been moved to a different service too so I just completely shut down and felt like I had been abandoned by everyone.

    I know the feeling, I am feeling completely drained of energy. Other than taking the kids to and from where they need to be and shopping I feel like I’ve just turned into a hermit who hides in their room all day and night. I just have no energy to do anything else and I’m constantly triggered at the moment, any form of violence on tv or the radio my heart is pounding, I get so shaky and on edge, pretty much just living in fight or flight constantly, it’s exhausting. I have a second apt with the new therapist on Saturday so hopefully she can help me with some tactics to manage my crazy emotions.

    I think looking after yourself sounds like an amazing idea 😍 are both of your kids at school full time?

  22. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    28 October 2021 in reply to Anzee

    Hey, how did your 2nd appointment go with your new therapist? Yes, both at school.

    I've just has 2 days off work, the weather was amazing, went for a few walks and I definitely had moments of feeling calmer but I'm working again today and feeling all muddled again. I think this self care thing will take some time.

  23. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to Catie 08
    After watching parental guidance last night with the stranger danger topic and then waking to the news that little Cleo has been found in WA.... it's been a triggering 24 hours. Feeling so muddled today, just need to remember to breath... our world can be such a shitty place
  24. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6150 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to Catie 08
    Hi Catie08,

    We hear you. Events like this can be really triggering. We'd recommend having a look at:
    We hope that's some help. Thanks for sharing this here. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    2 people found this helpful
  25. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey catie, I haven’t seen parental guidance but Cleo’s case has definitely been triggering.

    Do you have anyone that you’re close and comfortable with that you can just cry to or who can hold you or whatever helps you feel safe, calm and grounded? I don’t have that person but know that would help me feel better if I did haha.

    we've talked in therapy a lot about the loss of my family and even though I know it’s true, I know it doesn’t matter what I say or do to them they’re not able to give me the support I need I’m still not ready to accept it. I’ve spent my whole life been told how lucky I am to have such an amazing and supportive family and even when I was separated from my partner all of our family friends said at least you e got your family for support you’re so lucky, after of course questioning me and telling me he wasn’t really that bad was he?! I have accepted that I can’t trust or rely on anyone else, it’s just me and my girls but I’m still trapped in that if I pretend everything’s fine and just tell everyone I made it all up or at least exaggerated it then maybe my family will accept me again maybe I’ll get all of my friends back.

    we did very briefly try EDMR for the first time in therapy on Monday and it was good and helpful but by the 3rd round I wouldn’t let myself go back to the image/ memory. The first I was very distressed, 2nd a little bit less but was also avoiding letting my mind go back there, 3rd I was like nope not going back there, I did feel like I almost had some control over when the memories were going to affect me though which was pretty cool for a 10- 15 minute trial of it, so fingers crossed for some more progress.

  26. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    15 November 2021
    I'm feeling a bit worried about going to therapy tomorrow. Last time I went I felt like he was annoyed with me so now I feel apprehensive about talking freely to him. I've had a rough few weeks. Last week I saw myself in the mirror but I didn't feel that it was me. My stress levels have been so high, triggers everywhere and I know I'm not coping. It's just too hard sometimes.
  27. Anzee
    Anzee  avatar
    200 posts
    16 November 2021 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey catie,

    have you thought about trying a different therapist?

    my previous psych was amazing and she got me started and through some of the hardest times of my life, but this new therapist I’ve started with actually specialises in DV and sexual abuse and every time I see her I leave feeling so much lighter because I feel comfortable talking to her about things I’ve never been able to talk with anyone else with face to face. I’ve found that her understanding and explanations into why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling are incredible, it doesn’t matter how ashamed or embarrassed I am of something she doesn’t even bat an eye, nothing is shocking or off topic, she validates every feeling I have and that has helped a lot.

    obviously everyone is different, but I just wondered if you weren’t fully comfortable to speak your mind with your current therapist could it help meeting with a new one, even just to get a feel for someone new and trial if they have anymore to offer.

    I hope todays session turns out to be amazing and comfortable and the stress and anxiety wasn’t needed. Let us know how you go if you feel up to it. Good luck

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