Welcome back, I read your other posts and can see you have come to this big mistake from a place where you were pretty much worn out anyway. Perhaps that might have has something to do with it -you'd know better than me.
Yes I've been in that position and my mistake cost another, and there was no way back. I felt it was all down to me and my desire to take my life intensified.
I survived (obviously:) and looking back there were three separate things going on, the first was the fact I was at the end of my leather anyway wiht no seeming remedies. Secondly the event, the mistake, happened and thirdly I was suicidal.
They all seemed to be the one thing at the time, all my failings and no way out. I guess depression and various other problems such as PTSD and anxiety reduced my vision of the world down to just those few insoluble things, leaving everything else invisible. So no wonder I wanted out, despite having a family.
My way out in fact started wiht me telling someone else I was suicidal, that lead to hospital and a break away from life and all its problems. Not an instant cure by any means, but a bit of respite -even if not pleasant. It started me on the right track.
Now I can look back on all of it with more perspective and see how narrow my vision was.
I'm not suggesting you need hospitalization, I am suggesting you do not try to go it alone, sometimes the burden can be too much.
So can I ask if you have a GP or other medical form of help, and that you have told them about the mistake and how you are feeling now?
I felt a surprising lifting of the blackness pressing me down when I did confide and had others helping.
Apart from the medical side is there anyone who cares who you can talk frankly with? I found it worth it even though it was very hard to start.
I think my self hatred left a fair while ago now, mainly becuse of that perspective I talked about. I could see I was driven by circumstances, not my inherent failures, and came to bear the mistake as something I have to live wiht , but am kinder on myself now and it does not rule my life.
Would you like to talk some more?