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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Sick and tired of being sick

Topic: Sick and tired of being sick

  1. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    3 July 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim, yeah it's difficult because my family don't understand. My brother's idea of dealing with difficult things is basically to ignore them (and pretend that they don't actually exist). And in the end he doesn't deal with whatever is going on. One day he'll realize that doesn't actually achieve anything!

    Yes it's very difficult to do the opposite of what you're feeling... especially when I would rather be lying in bed and not dealing with the general public. I've dealt with health problems and depression since I was a teenager. Dealing with depression is easier- because I don't feel bad about leaving things or sleeping more with my depression. But with my health; I hate puting things on hold if I'm not well enough to do something. Probably because I've missed out on so much due to my health issues!!

    I was sleeping, but woke up because I wasn't feeling too good. The past few days I've been getting intermittent chest pain - probably brought on by stress. It settled down whilst watching some tv; but started again when I began binge eating and stopped once I stopped eating!

    I'm sick of being held back by my health (and mental health) problems. I'm tired of battling every day. I'm going to have a drink of water.. listen to some music and try and get some more sleep.

  2. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    220 posts
    5 July 2020

    Hi Bbydoll,

    I’m sorry I can’t offer you anything more, but write here anytime (about the good or the bad) & if I’m not here to listen there always seems to be someone around.

    i feel like in some ways our lives are similar. Living with chronic illness & mental health issues. In all honesty, it is often overwhelming. Sometimes I’m amazed I have made it this far.

    Ive tried so many different things to get me through the hard times. Sleep & food were definitely two. Then I started to write things down. It was a way to express myself without ever having to show it to anyone. Then I discovered these forums, now that I’m out of work (due to Covid) I have found time to start to get back into art. I haven’t done any art since high school so it’s been a very long time. But I have discovered if I find something I want to draw, the amount of focus I spend on it means I can go hours without thinking about my troubles.

    i think it has really helped. I have found a sunny corner in my lounge room & it’s my new favourite place to relax. And that’s where I get creative.

    And while it hasn’t cured my issues, it does give me some respite. I hope in time you too can find some sort of outlet as well.

    sending you a big hug!

  3. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue
    Thanks Big Blue. I appreciate your response. I did art all through high school - I wasn't very good at it; but I did enjoy it! I spent most of today and all weekend sleeping because of ill health. The cold weather makes it that much worse. I've begun to have nightmares - they're reoccurring ones and probably a result of PTSD suffered from all the surgeries I've had. I'm feeling nauseated again from over eating tonight. Otherwise I'd try and get more sleep right now. I was hoping to get on top of some of my bills this pay; but hard when the next lot is now due on top of the outstanding ones!! I feel like I'm suffocating and it won't stop.
  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll - sounds like the last few days have not been the best for you. Do you have any sort a support network around you?
  5. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    6 July 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi smallwolf,

    I've got no support around me. And honestly my online friends are pretty hopeless (as much as I love and appreciate them), it usually ends up - me supporting them. Rarely, if ever; are they actually supporting me!

  6. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    I wish I could get out of this funk. But I'm so deep in it. I've wasted away another day with worry and stress/depression. I get paid on Thursday and won't have much to live off because of all my debts. Guess that's one way to lose weight! Skip some meals. I've got plenty of weight to loose too. My phone company is screwing me over. They won't put me on a better plan despite me paying off my phone. I've had several late payments and they refuse to put me on a better value plan. They just keep charging me for excess data. I'm supposed to be on a $60 plan. But it's usually about $150 or so dollars a month.. with excess data charges. I've got an overdue gas bill and a current bill totalling $190. I have over a $1000 of dental work to be done. I've got about $300 on overdue bill of afterpay. I have a zip pay bill to pay off from earlier dental work from this year... and I get about $600 after rent. Not including food, meds or opal card expenses as well. It's an absolute joke.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    7 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Feels like I'm starting to flare up one of my illnesses because I have an increase in pain from the stress and binge eating. Would be just what I don't need right now. Because it would mean extra meds to try and settle it down - but they're serious meds that screw up my body even more than it already is!
    1 person found this helpful
  8. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    8 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Slept from 5am to 715pm today. Can't afford to see one of my specialist doctors tomorrow - so I've cancelled that. Forgot to add that I need glasses at $160 as well to that list of things. Plus 2 laybys.. guess I'm not buying any food for the next 2 weeks at least.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    8 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    I hope you don't mind my suggestions coming up... when I started getting help for my depression, would also find other things that contributed medically wise. So what I did was make a list of the things that "contributed" and one by one would address these issues so they could be crossed off the list. And for me, whatever remains is the mental health issues. Yup... too logically minded.

    One of contributing things in your situation sounds like financial stress. Do you think you could call the National Debt Helpline (https://ndh.org.au/) on 1800 007 007 - you can get free free and confidential advice from professional financial counsellors. The hotline is open from 9.30 am to 4.30 pm, Monday to Friday. They also provide information on Emergency Assistance.

    I am not saying this will fix all the issues, but it may help to get one thing under control?

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7652 posts
    8 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hey Bbydoll

    You have a lot of stuff going on there in your life. Do you think you have issues managing it all, like does it just feel all too much? Cause it sort of sounds it.

    Sick and tired of being sick can be seen as a good thing about you in your life. Like you have had enough of it. So have you considered you can use that to choose to make changes in your life?

    Also I too have issues with binge eating. Just so you know. I am making changes in my life in that area. I am doing much better then I used too, but still slip up.

    I am not sure what you binge eat on, but if its junk food well it can really affect every part of our health. This is something you can change, even if it's baby steps at first. So I encourage you to make some changes, maybe just one thing at a time.

    If you are really feeling sick and tired of feeling sick use this to motivate yourself to get better. You are worth it. That is what I need to keep telling myself. You are worth taking care of.

    About all your bills... That just seems overwhelming to me totally. Vision Australia may be able to help there, I am not entirely sure but it's worth looking into. Also it maybe useful to get some kind of financial counselling, maybe centerlink does that. Someone to help you to budget somehow.

    You can get yourself out of this funk. I would start with choosing to eat only healthy foods and see how your body feels.

    You got this, you can do it

    Shelley

  11. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    9 July 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim, I had planned on doing a big grocery shop online; and then pay everything off in installments. However after I put in the grocery shop and an afterpay payment- I was left with $20. I didn't know beforehand that afterpay had taken out the 2 outstanding payments I had owing. Normally they send off an email as a thank you. My balance now is completely paid off.

    It looks like my next pay will be something like glasses, phone bill, electricity bill and top up on most of my meds. (I bulk ordered quite a bitof food and hope that it lasts the 4 weeks!).

    Then I need to get the rest of my money for my teeth - mostof that will be paid with the $750.

    I really appreciate you reading and responding to my posts. It means a lot, that someone is listening.💓

  12. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    9 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shell,

    Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post. Yes I'm struggling hence my posts. I'm doing this on my own and mentally and physically tired from struggling with everything that's going on.

    When I say that I'm sick and tired of being sick. I mean that I'm battling several illnesses, as well as chronic pain and I'm tired of feeling unwell and run down. I do everything the doctors suggest but I'm getting more complications the older I get! I've just started taking a multivitamin to see if that helps at all.

    Eating healthy foods is difficult because I've had half of my bowel removed due to illness. Once I'm ontop of my finances. I will endeavor to fix up what I eat. At the moment it's mostly carb based foods. Which is not ideal for weight; especially when walking is painful.

    I'm not sure that vision Australia would be able to help. I'm only slightly short sighed. So need them when I'm out and about trying to catch a bus. The signage on it is a bit blurry.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Still binge eating and barely sleeping. Doesn't help that I'm cold and tired and depressed all the time lately.
  14. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7652 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hey, how you going

    Binge eating, not sleeping well, being cold and tired may be all connected. Then the depression. Bit like a circle.

    Have you got a heat pack or hot water bottle? They can be real toasty and are not expensive to buy. I have one of those, it can bring a sense of comfort hugging one.

    What do you get up to in the day anyway?

  15. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    11 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shell, lately - it's been sleep from morning until late afternoon/early evening. Binge eat whatever is available. Beat myself up for wasting another day and eating so much. Go online, or watch whatever is on tv. Or listen to music and go to bed in the early hours of the morning. I've been sleeping with my electric blanket on!! With a tracksuit and bed socks on. I do have a few adult onesies that are warm but need to be washed and it's supposed to rain all week.

    One of my other illnesses that I have affects circulation. So even when it's warmer. My hands and feet are cold. I wear thick socks and boots when I go out.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    220 posts
    12 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    One thing I am trying to learn is not to be so critical of myself. My psychologist caught me out (again) being critical of myself & what I had failed to do that day. Then she asked me if I had a friend who had the exact same day as me would I think badly of her. The answer was no. Had it been my friend I would have thought she was having a nice relaxing day!

    She gave me another good example. I’ve been really depressed about being stood down from work while the Covid situation was ongoing. I was really disgusted at myself for not being able to contribute financially to the household bills. Then she asked about my niece (who is 3). She asked if my niece cooks (no). Does she work & bring money in (no). Does she drive? (no). Does she have her own set of keys to the house? (no). The psychologist then asked me if she was a burden, if she should contribute more, if I loved her less because she couldn’t currently contribute? I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with such questions because my niece is 3 & of course she can’t do any of those things. So I was asked, what good is she? And I was saying she just a kid, she’s family, I love her etc etc.

    But it did make me realise that the way I see my niece & love her unconditionally is how the people around me feel about me. How I see myself is not how the people around me see me.

    its a hard thing to realise & accept that we ARE important, we ARE worthwhile, we ARE loved, we DO have value.

    So just try not to be too critical of yourself. You have depression, this is an illness. If you had a virus you wouldn’t question yourself spending days in bed, why is depression any different? if you can, try & later your perspective a little (it’s bloody hard, I know). Try & think of these days as time spent recovering, not days wasted. And your days won’t always be like this, in time things will change.

    Try to be kind to yourself through the tough times. You deserve some kindness

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7652 posts
    12 July 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue

    Hey Bbydoll and TheBigBlue,

    Thankyou I really liked the little story about your 3 year old niece. It's really good.

  18. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue

    Hi BigBlue, thankyou for your insight. I've got a 6month old niece, so I can kind of relate to your example. I've spent a couple of days with a long time friend who has dealt with depression. But when I try talking to her about my problems - she talks over the top of me. And is more supportive of a guy she's just started dating. It makes me feel like I'm not that important to her. I enjoyed spending time with her; but I second guess the friendship... and it gets quite draining when she's talking about her issues with this new guy. Whilst I'm trying to dealing with issues on keeping my head above water. I just wonder sometimes if I'm just better off on my own.

  19. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    15 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll,

    How are you doing??

  20. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    17 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Spoke to my "friend" again. She's off on another date with a different guy and still going on and on about the guy that she's developed feelings for. I mentioned that my health is causing me problems and whilst she can't do anything to fix my health. She completely ignored it. And went on to her issues. Why am I bothering with her?? I'm surely better off on my own after all.
  21. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7652 posts
    17 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Wish I could advise you about friendships, and how they work. Is she more of the talker then? I do have a relative like that. And it seems like one sided. But I love her. I am guessing you must be excellent at listening though.
  22. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    17 July 2020 in reply to Guest_1055
    I try and help her as much as possible but she just does whatever she wants and wonders why it doesn't work out properly. She just talks over me. Doesn't acknowledge anything I say. She says she understands what it's like to be depressed but won't help me... but she's bending over backwards for a new guy in her life that's battling with depression. I just don't know why I'm bothering with her.
  23. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    I'm still in a very bad pattern of sleeping all day and binge eating at night. I can't seem to stop it. I'm so tired and miserable. And unmotivated. I gained 18kilos in about 2 months. It's disgusting!!
  24. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7652 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    It's not easy this bingeing thing is it. It feels like we are trapped in its claws. It's the addictiveness of certain foods. They act just like addictive drugs do in our brains. I am struggling myself very much too.

    Are you wanting to really get healthier and lose some weight. You can join me if you would like. Just let me know.

    And I hear you

  25. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    4860 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    Nice to meet you. I've just read quite a bit of your thread and you have a hell of a lot going on huh...

    You are a survivor.

    I hear you with the whole binge eating, weight gaining thing. I just had a binge today, ate waaaay too much. Felt good at the time though.

    It's slack of ppl to point out your weight esp when you have other serious things going on.

    I've also gained a lot of weight due to meds stuffing up my body.

    Not fair hey..
    1 person found this helpful
  26. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    4860 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic
    Just to clarify I'm talking about your offline friends, no one here.

    A while back I read that they mentioned you put on weight.

    I hear it ALL the time in my off line world...
    1 person found this helpful
  27. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    220 posts
    20 July 2020

    Hi Bbydoll & Shelll,

    when I started seeing the psychiatrist back in March he wanted me to start a schedule of what I wanted to do each day.

    so it started off with get some exercise, do a French class, wash my hair. Doesn’t seem like much at all. But I struggled with just those 3 things. Because I couldn’t get out of bed of a morning as I was (& still do) have trouble getting to sleep & staying asleep. So I would sleep most of the day, then by the time I got up I already felt I had failed, was too lethargic to do the exercise, was unmotivated for the French etc etc. I spoke about this with my psychologist & she said I was expecting too much of myself. She changed my thought process of thinking I need an entire workout session to just trying to get changed into work out gear. Even if I didn’t do anything more, it was a start. And just wanted me to build up up slowly to getting to a work out & when I did to reward myself.

    I thought yeah, I can do that! But I still failed & blamed myself & hated myself & I grew more & more depressed. Weeks passed without a single workout or French class.

    But then something different did happen. I had extreme feelings of guilt as I had been stood down from work due to Covid & I felt like a grub, living off my partner. On top of this, he would do the grocery shops on weekends because he also didn’t want me going out in public places with the virus around (I have 2 autoimmune conditions). I did try to get online groceries but back in April everything just went a bit nuts & I couldn’t even get an online order in as they were booked out weeks in advance.

    so then I decided the least I could do was cook dinner. The first night I did it I actually felt like I achieved something. The food was decent, my partner thanked me & for the first time in ages I felt good about something. Fast forward a few weeks & I have been cooking 6 nights a week for almost 2 months 😮

    Even weirder, I then started looking up recipes for new dishes to try & cook. And I don’t even like cooking 🤣

    But what I do love is trying new foods, & even more, I love seeing my partners face when he gets home from work & dinner Is almost ready. The dishes would sit in the sink overnight, but I started making sure I washed them the following day. In the past 2 weeks without even realising it I have been doing the dishes every night.

    small things do count & you just need to find that 1 small thing that might help change your outlook. I’ll write more later, I’m out of space

  28. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to monkey_magic

    Hello Monkey_Magic,

    Thanks for the comments. And yeah I sure have. I guess something had to give. It never ceases to amaze me that people who are supposed to care about you can be so brutal with their words. I've been underweight when very unwell and overweight and every weightin between. And have had "comments" given to me at both end of the scales. And honestly it's none of their business... they're not living with what I'm dealing with. And if roles where reversed, I wouldn't be commenting on their weight!!

    Hi Shelll,

    I've bulk bought my shopping of high carb stuff because it's cheaper... and has to last a couple more weeks. Then I need to see a dietitian to figure out what is best for my health and weightloss goals etc.

  29. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    141 posts
    20 July 2020 in reply to TheBigBlue

    Hi BigBlue;

    Thanks for your insight again. You're lucky to have such a kind partner! I hate cooking, and especially as it's just for me! I had to cook for my family as a teenager - and my brother would always complain about what I'd cooked... so ever since then.. it's been such a chore to do it.

    Thanks for the positive support.

  30. TheBigBlue
    TheBigBlue avatar
    220 posts
    21 July 2020 in reply to Bbydoll

    Oh bummer about not enjoying cooking. That really does make it hard to get motivated to do it. And yes, cooking for one often feels like such an effort.

    i can be pretty lazy, so I sometimes cook a dinner that will last 2 nights. Like a beef casserole. I started off having it one night with veg & 1 night with rice.

    Obviously it doesn’t have to be something quite as time consuming as a casserole, but if you ever have the energy to make something, just make a bit extra. Stir fries or curries are always easy to reheat the next day. Or if making a salad, make a bigger amount so you have a side dish for a few dinners. I sometimes make my own version of a tuna, pasta salad. Just boil the pasta, let it cool & add cherry tomatoes, a tin of tuna, some rocket, celery, boiled eggs, cashew nuts, (basically anything you like). Then I mix a little French dressing in with some mayo to make a dressing. I can usually get 3 meals out of that one, used to be good for lunches at work. And you can be sneaky & add more salad items & less pasta to make it less carb heavy 🤣

    I do like your idea of seeing a dietician though, great idea! If you do want to try & eat healthy, just start small so it’s something you can stick with. Like maybe cook 1 healthy meal a week. Just one so it’s not too overwhelming. Or replace one of your daily snacks with a slightly healthier option. I’ve taken a liking to nuts lately, cashew, almonds, pistachio in place of potato chips which I seemed to be addicted to. I think it’s the salt!

    i also invented my own sort of trail mix for snacks so I mix in some of those soy rice things, nuts, some other dried veggie snacks from the shop, sometimes if that gets boring I add a little popcorn or pretzels just for some salty flavour.

    Anyway, some of the above may appeal, or maybe no one of it. It doesn’t matter. It’s just what I do to try & eat better rather than eat junk all the time. But a dietician would likely have even better ideas that may work for you 👍

    Anyway, I hope the week remains calm & the sun stays shining for everyone reading this thread

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