Thank you Sophie. I'm apprehensive about calling even though I'm struggling again tonight. Feels like everything is overwhelming and I'm agitated because of several days of pain and an idiot in my apartment building playing loud music 2 nights in a row. Sleep is the only thing that brings relief and I can't do that when the music is reverberating through the walls and floor of the building. One of the ladies from the community group wants to see me early next week and early in the day even though I've told them numerous times I prefer later in the day because I usually sleep in! I feel it's going on deaf ears and will raise it again. I'm supposed to catch up with a friend over the weekend so I hope she doesn't let me down. It means something to look forward to because we always end up laughing over the silliest things. I saw a new friend last week from a support group I'm on. We met at a cafe and she gave me loads of advice about other types of doctors and dentists that might be helpful but it's trying to find the cash to actually see them.. when one charges over $400 for the first consultation... I'd sell a kidney if they actually worked properly😣

I wish I could see my niece more often.. dispite my brother moving closely to me I haven't heard anything from them... it's like they're in their own world and they don't have much to say to me. I've tried in the past to tell them what is going on with my health but he told me that I was complaining so I just stick to the minimum. I feel suffocated by my extended family - so will probably spend another Christmas on my own. This will be the 3rd year in a row... or 4th. I missed one because I was in hospital and then it just seemed easier not to deal with the crap from them. It's not like they tried hard to persuade me otherwise andI saw my mum and brother and his wife on Christmas eve anyways.

Another round of binge eating and self loathing after I found out that she got the dates mixed up and thought we were getting together tomorrow. So I've had to change everything to suit her because she's getting her hair done. I'm pissed because if I couldn't have dropped everything we would have missed out. I feel like a 2nd thought and she's one of my one of my closest friends.

I sent a text to my other friend asking for some help with a light bulb change and it's crickets from him. He knows how messed up my physical health. But if he's busy or can't do it. I'd prefer a text about it and not complete silence. I struggle so much keeping friendships because of my crap health or maybe it's because they actually don't want to be friends with me. I honestly don't know any more. I know other people have work and and families and other responsibilities but I always feel like I'm an after thought and like if they have a better choice of something they would choose that over me!

It's been an absolute joke of my time. My friend again and again has let me down and left me doing all the grunt work. It's all right for her to go on and on about her problems and her dating life - which I have already heard about! But doesn't let me talk at all about what I'm dealing with. She's probably sick of hearing about my crap health and my issues that I'm facing but guess what I am sick of having to deal with it myself. And talking about it sometimes lightens the load. Not hearing about your 3 figure income... when I'm struggling to put food on the table and keep my head afloat. Not much of a friend.. and she's the only one I've seen lately. My neighbor pretty much avoids me. I haven't heard anything from my family. It's like I don't exist or that people just don't want to hear what's going on with me. It's why I don't ask for help. I struggleto find anyone to actually want to help me. So I have to struggle on my own.. with a body that would rather stay in bed.. than get stuff done with ongoing chronic health issues and chronic pain and mental health issues.

Hi Monkey_magic,

Thanks for reading and commenting. Sorry to hear that you're struggling with a headache. Pain is no fun. Hope it eases really soon. I just dealt with my female friend again. She was going on and on about her new boyfriend and I get that it's exciting but hearing the same story on repeat, over and over is a bit much not to mention her condescending attitude about not being around him if she didn't want to be. She glared at me when she said it - pretty sure she was insinuating that she'd rather spend the time with him over me!

I just feel like I don't have any real friends. I give and get nothing back. I spend a lot of time just waiting for a response to get together and do something or an actual response to my messages I've sent. And they don't answer their phones if called.

I did have a walk yesterday and need to do it more often. It left me lying down later as I had pain in my knees (I know there is fluid in them from a previous scan).. and my GP has suggested steriod injections if it keeps happening but that doesn't sound like much fun.

Swimming would be good if I could get over my body issues. I don't like the way I'm looking right now - so wearing a swimming costume would be too hard to do right now.

I think sometimes that the medications we're given (for physical or mental health issues) is often worse than what we're dealing with! The side effects can be horrible... and it's a real catch 22 situation.

The guy with the loud music has been reported to the police a few times. If he's caught again there maybe more serious consequences.

I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. No one knows how much I'm struggling. Because no one cares enough to ask. I've just written a heap of messages to a younger friend who lives interstate but there's not much she can do or say except that she's siding with me and sorry I'm dealing with all of this.

Hi Monkey_magic, hope the headache is easing. Otherwise drink a few glasses of water, because being a bit dehydrated can also bring them on! There's a definite shortage of housing at the moment.. that alone is a stressful thing.

My phone will probably be shut off again because I was supposed to pay my bill but forgot and paid for a few extra (weightloss) shakes in the sales. Not that I'm getting any calls except for my doctor for next week and obviously being able to access this site as well. I'm still waiting for a friend to contact me after texting him on Sunday - it's now Thursday and I also texted him 2 weeks prior and nothing.

Another slap in the face was finding out that my shrink who supposedly semi-retired. But my GP told me that she's actually working part time; and still doing home visits. So I don't know where this leaves me because I was going to try and organize to see a new shrink but now I don't know if I want to go back to her (if she doesn't want to see me) - obviously she knows my mental health issues and physical health problems etc and to have to go through all that with some one new is not something that is going to be easy.

I don't know how much more I want to keep on struggling anymore. . I feel like every little knock back is taking its toll on me. And I can't catch my breath.

Did you find the injections in your back helped at all??

Overspent again this fortnight. Guess that's one way to loose weight - not be able to buy any food! My friend is still going on about her new boyfriend and she's the only person talking to me except for the people who work at the local chemist who know me well! I walked in their this afternoon to pick up meds and they realized that I wasn't feeling well. . I had to go down today and had spent all day yesterday and most of this morning in bed. I've been feeling a bit more under the weather than usual and hope it's just a bug going around.

I know that I struggle emotionally from now until the end of January - because I feel more alone. I hate Christmas and all the fuss. My anxiety gets worse too because of it. The Christmas decorations and music in shops makes my skin crawl and I want to get out of there pretty quickly. I can feel myself tense up. I've done most of my Christmas shopping all ready. I feel lost and as though I've wasted my time because I haven't achieved anything - even without covid. If I can get on top of my finances.. I want to get a better laptop - or at least update it and maybe get some internet running on it to study online so I actually have a focus! And something to motivate me to get me out of bed.

Hi Bbydoll,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with food insecurity. No one ever should go hungry and food should be guaranteed universal right. Have you thought about seeking out a food bank near you (www.foodbank.org.au/) to tide you over? This sounds like a very serious and distressing situation and as you get hungrier and hungrier all your other problems will seem more difficult to tackle and solve. First thing's first, let's get you fed properly. 1 day of food insecurity is too much, let alone 10.

Best,

Gems

Hi Gems;

Thanks for the respone. Unfortunately I'm in a rural area and not near any of those. There are a couple of local food pantries; but you need to have a car and a driver's license - I have neither. So I am going to do a lot of sleeping and waiting it out... I'm fat; so it's not like I'm going to starve to death or anything like that. 😩

My extended family members are causing issues. And the idiot in the apartment building is also blaring his music. So not a great day. It's stinking hot outside and I'm not going out because the heat bothers me. I've been wrapped up in my warm bed with the exception of bringing in 2 loads of washing and getting a parcel delivered this morning (more weight loss shakes!).

Hi Monkey,

Thanks for the reply. It's not that simple unfortunately. I have high ceilings and no way to access them. I don't have a ladder and I don't know anyone else that does except for my friend that's not responding.

I only have limited internet access on my phone. So that also limits things. I'm still behind in my phone payments and being screwed over by my phone company and now I just got another warning about my phone bill and literally have no money for the next 8 days!! Unless the extra government money magically appears beforehand.

Yes. My other friend knows about my lack of money as I've been open with her about it. She did buy me lunch but nothing else. I know she's buying her new boyfriend Christmas presents and his son.. but I don't expect anything from her. It would be nice if she even gave me a gift voucher for woolies or coles or something. But I doubt she's even thought of it. It was her birthday last month and I spent $25 on her with a brand new tshirt and a silk bag made from a sari in her favourite colour. I told her it was going to be a Christmas present but I couldn't wait that long to give it to her. I was hoping to do a big grocery shop next pay. But again half my money is going to bills and I still have a very over due electricity bill to be paid. It's exhausting on every single level to be constantly struggling. I sleep during the day and barely sleep at night. I'm almost completely out of fresh veggies and eggs. It will be weightloss shakes with milk. And 2 minute noodles. Frozen homemade soup with veggies. Or instant porridge for the next week. My cupboards are pretty much bare apart from that.

Hi Monkey,

Yeah. The high ceilings don't help that's for sure and I just tried calling my friend who should have finished work by now but it went to voice mail. He's fixed the light bulb before so, knows the ceiling height and lack of help etc That I face. I just left a message saying that I hope he's ok. And to call me.

I can understand your previous desperation to the food thing. But I'm immunosuppressed so I think I'll have to leave dumpster diving. I went to the reject shop today for some liquid laundry soap and found that they have pasta for 50cents. So I pickedup a packet. I get several meals out of a packet and it's better than the 2 minute noodles as less fat and less salt!

I'm going to contact my ex shrink and ask her if she can take me drive to the shopping centre next pay. And I'll give Aldi a go. It's been ages since I was there and once I've done a hopefully bigger shop... I won't have such a strain on my supply of food. Plus if it's cheaper than woolies.. I'll try and get there on my own and maybe a taxi home. I find woolies so expensive and for some reason every time I try and put an order in online it crashes. I can load up the order but then when it asks me to log in to complete the order it crashes.

I haven't been fishing for years! Not sure if there's any good spots locally... I'll have to try and do my homework 😂

No idea about small jobs. I'm not qualified for anything. I did some data entry a few years ago for a family friend. And worked abit in my teens as a checkout chick. But my health has always gotten in the way of completing any courses or doing any work. If I could physically do things; I'd do anything to get some money together!!

Hi Monkey,

I'm currently headachy and not sleeping. I think that the neighbor above me is closing his place up and smoking - although technically they're not supposed to be doing so. I know that my neighbour either side of me on the same level is doing so... but I'm fairly certain that one of them is still away at the moment. I actually am lucky with the heat -because my body temperature is that of a reptile.. I'm usually cold all the time!! And I was tonight; watching crap on tv. So got up and had a hot shower and got ready for bed and now can't sleep because I've been sleeping all day. Weekends are the worse for feeling lonely as are the holidays and I know my mental state gets worse around this time. I don't want to celebrate Christmas because it's not like I've got anything to celebrate. I feel more like a failure than anything else. No friends. No partner. No kids.. another year fighting my health and for what?? It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I haven't achieved anything.

I contacted my exshrink last week to try and see if she could help me get to Aldi and home afterwards. No reply. She's usually better at responding so I might try again. The quality I've found has usually been quite good. I guess it depends on the turnover of stock and maybe location of the shop. My friend still hasn't responded to any of my calls or texts.. I should check out his Facebook page and see if I can get any answers as I still have not gotten the light bulb or fan fixed. I told my other friend that the phone company was ripping me off and that 90% of the government extra money has gone onto bills all true.. and all she did was an angry emoji face at it.

Enjoy your air con in your new car. I'd have to get to the shops for air con... but I hate being at the shops this time of year and avoid it like the plague even without covid!! Some idiot was coughing on me whilst there last week and im inmune suppressed - so really don't need this.

My uncle who's organising Christmas day for my extended family wants me to come over on Christmas eve and stay the night as its difficult to get there if you don't have a car. But I don't want to deal with the rest of the family as they make my mental health issues worse. Besides my brother organises our immediate family get together on Christmas eve of either late lunch or early dinner ... so it will probably clash anyways.

Hi Monkey,

I had a fallout with most of my extended family 18months or so a go and some of them just don't seem to understand that if they can't respect me, and listen to and respect my wishes then why should I make myself sick being around them! They started causing me, personally; problems when my father passed away. I think they thought they were looking after me but.. they weren't. They were against every decision I made medically for myself. And when I tried to explain it. It went on deaf ears.; they thought that because they're older than me they knew better. But it was my body that was going in and out of hospital and doctors appointments etc. They have no clue about my mental health stuff except for when I tried once to explain it to a cousin's wife - she basically shot me down and said oh no you don't have that.

I've always wanted to get married and have a couple of kids, anda couple of dogs and a house somewhere. The older I get. The more I know it won't happen. I feel like I'm just waiting for my time to be up. There is not much keeping me afloat these days. The only people that won't me ate

The people that I owe money too. This phone keeps posting before I finish. I just typed up that I wanted a guy who wants me and is not being used for a carer... but guys don't want anything they think will be difficult ie dealing with someone with health issues. I've tried several different dating sites. They just go from bad to worse. Most are just looking to hook up.. or string you along. It's pathetic.

I feel like I'm waiting for my time to end. There's not much keeping me afloat these days.

I'm so sorry that you're having issues with family too. They're supposed to love us unconditionally but I think they missed the memo!

Feeling like a complete emotional wreck this morning.

I've been suffering from vertigo for several days and also I sent off a message to my brother and uncle and said that I'm not doing the extended Christmas as I don't feel comfortable with my family. Neither of them replied to my message despite it being sent at lunch time yesterday. I just wish I felt worthy of something of anything. Maybe I deserve to suffer. My teeth are a mess - so is my body. Maybe I don't deserve nice things.. maybe I am kidding myself that things will get better when they never do. I am seeing a show next month but other than that. .. not much else to look forward to.

I checked out my friends Facebook page and nothing screams out why he's avoiding me. It's probably been 6 weeks since I first asked for his help - still no response/reply to any of my previous voice or texts messages.

Maybe I should just stop pretending that life is going to get better every time I try and move forward my body screws it up if I don't. Why aim high. When everything always falls apart and I'm looking like an idiot for trying.

I'm very fat, in debt and my health is in the gutter. Despite getting a half dozen free fillings from the dental clinic covered. It doesn't include root canals, crowns or a mouthguard needed whilst I sleep as I grind my teeth and to prevent me cracking a filling which I've done in the past! Having a constant dry mouth doesn't help the dental situation either. My GP said that I could come off all my meds because he's convinced that is what's causing it. But I think it's a combination of that. Plus auto immune illnesses besides lots of the damage is done. . It's not like I can turn the clock back and it will be all undone. I have to live with the consequences of it. I've already lost 2 teeth this year . I'm a fat. Ugly. Freak.