Hello Chris_Tas,
We think that it is really important that you talk to someone about these thoughts and feelings, so please give the Beyond Blue helpline a ring directly on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through with the lovely counsellors.
We understand that you're in a dark place at the moment and it must be so difficult.

Always remember to call 000 (triple zero) if you are in immediate danger to yourself.
 
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Men’s Line 1300 789 978

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone.

Hopefully we'll hear from the community at some point. In the meantime, we hope you're able to be kind to yourself, and to feel some pride in the bravery it took to post here today. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

 

I'm just over it.

I'm sorry to be this way

Hi Chris

Birthday anniversaries can be such a massive trigger. Personally I don't give too much thought to the crossover from Dec 31st into Jan 1st, it's more so the crossover into my own personal new year that triggers a lot of thought. You know those questions such as

• How on track am I or how far off track am I compared to this time last year?
• Why was I born? Why am I here?
• What am I doing with my life?

etc

Of course, if all's going exceptionally well, the answers and feelings that can come with these questions can be amazing. If you're facing the worst time of your life, a birthday anniversary with all those typical questions can trigger the most incredibly depressing thoughts and answers. Either way, the first day of our own personal new year can be one of the biggest triggers in life. It's understandable as to why you're feeling so depressed today.

Wish I was there with you Chris. I really do. If I was there, we'd go off to hire a convertible for the day and zoom around through the countryside, with the top down, laughing. We'd be sticking to the speed limit of course :) Perhaps we'd hire a tux for you and and some fancy kind of dress for me and we'd stop in some country town for lunch, where people would be staring at us, wondering what we're all about, dressed up like this. I hope I get a smile out of you when I lead you to imagine those people talking if I was wearing the tux and you were wearing the dress :) While I can't be there with you Chris, I want to give you this gift today, the gift of imagining a day different from all the days over the past 2 years that have led up to it. I wish I could give you more than simply something different to imagine. I really do wish I was there with you Chris.

By the way, my 16yo son said something to me at about 5 past 12 in the morning on Jan 1st this year that created a new perspective for me, as he and I were not looking forward to more of the same this year. He said 'I'm glad that's over', referring to 2021. While the last couple of years have involved a lot of obvious disintegration in life, of what I'd once integrated into my life, the #1 question is 'How do I start again? Where do I start? What do I start integrating into my life now that those things are no longer in it?'. Can be such a confusing time with so much hard work. Do you think regular guidance/counseling sessions is something you could see yourself integrating into your life this year regarding the way forward?

Happy birthday Chris.

Im sorry life has been so difficult in the last 3 years. This is gonna sound corny, but can you make a list of positives that have happened.

Are you currently safe?

Thank you theRising and Centaured.

Unfortunately Thursday and emotions led to an attempt. I rang counseling service.

I was rung twice after by emergency to say "sorry but too busy with people that need irgent help" so I guess they've given up on me also.

That's fair enough i guess albeit pretty disappointing.

theRising I'll be in touch asap.

Chris

Thank you BeyondBlue for posting my msg.

Do you realise Support line ask you covid questions when a * to your wrist?

Just so ridiculous

BTW I didn't get upset at the respondent.

Just doing their job as instructed.

When suicidal do you think any human being wants to answer those questions?

It actually made me much worse so I'm lucky.

Others may not be.

I genuinely feel for them to be in a crisis (this my worst) and answer such ridiculous questions.

Not good enough.

Not even close.

Hi Chris

I'm glad you're still here, that you found something incredibly deep within yourself last Thursday which led you to stay. I think that's sometimes the most challenging thing to find within the depths of depression, that thing or factor that has the power to keep us here, to face each day as courageously as we possibly can. For me, it was my young nephew who, at the time of me wanting to leave, anchored me to this world. Although I 'loved' all around me (depression didn't really allow me to feel love), I could never leave my nephew. If I had left, I would have left him broken for the rest of his life.

Chris, I hope you don't mind if I go on a massive rant. It's in relation to all things COVID. Just the word alone triggers me. While I am grateful not to have contracted it and am grateful that no one I know has passed away from it, it or the way the government has managed it in some ways leaves me far from grateful. The amount of mental health challenges that have resulted from all this breaks my heart. The way counselors have been left short staffed upsets me, for both the counselors under pressure and those who call them for help. The way the media laps up all things COVID and spews this out to the world is, at times, repulsive and depressing. The way people are left to sit in a hot car for hours as they wait for their turn in COVID testing lines leads me to scratch my head as to why there's no better way. The way I see my work colleagues in aged care manage to try and breathe through the perspiration dripping down their face while wearing suffocating N95 masks and face shields, when there must be something better on offer, angers me. As a 51yo female working in the kitchen in an aged care facility and already being sensitive to the heat at this 'change of life' stage, being in this situation with a mask and shield on during a 30 degree day with ineffective air con and ventilation leaves me on the verge of resigning. I hate all things COVID Chris. I really do.

Chris, I passionately resent the government for not offering to train people and pay them a wage when it comes to help lines. While the right kinds of people perfect for such a job sit unemployed and those with depression sit in despair, this is so incredibly wrong. Those who rely on finding paid work, can't afford a volunteer position. In my opinion, the government is mismanaging mental health in so many ways. The fact that you survive such mismanagement speaks to your strength and ability.

I completely agree with every word theRising. Must be so frustrating for you to see and experience (i'll expand asap)

Just FYI I had 3 Police arrive on Saturday and 3 Paramedics.

Taken to hospital immediately but "no beds for mental health" and waited 5 hours in public area (whilst dozens came and left for minor cuts, headaches etc) so I just went back home.

The system is completely broken in Tas, not sure about other States.

The front line officers from Police and Ambulance absolutely sensationally supportive.

If not for them I'd be dead i reckon.

The hospital after though is just a complete joke.

Just an update as Saturday at hospital just a disgrace.

So I made my GP appointment as told to only to be banned from the place!

I am not double vaccinated (still awaiting my second) and cannot even do Telehealth as "practice manager" wants double vaxxed only or you're gone.

What an absolute disgrace so I have to start somewhere else for factors completely out of my control.

Makes it clear that being a Dr doesn't mean you actually care hey

As all know i get abused by my parents horribly.

I'm a loser, please die so we can retire, etc etc.

So tonight I offered to cook beef kebabs. No worries.

All going well until mum saw some sauce outside the pan whilst cooking.

LOST IT COMPLETELY.

Said this kitchen cost a fortune and best not to cook in it "so it stays perfect".

Yep.

That's my own parents (and legit serious as I thought joking) - quite clearly they are completely mental.

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry that they said those things to you. It must be hurt to hear something like that.

I had received some hurtful words from my family and I knew I can't control either others' speech or my emotions. It is the "cost a fortune" for me that make me think why many ppl would mention something monetary on some inappropriate occasions. It sounds dehumanising. If I was a kid or a careless husband who breaks plates, I think I would rather take some scolding instead of notifying me how expensive the plates are and asking me to stop. This is one of the most unbearable abuse at least for me.

therising, I'm sorry that the current situation affects you that much. You have done a great job with all these challenges we need you and your colleagues and all these hard-working people. I'm sorry that I couldn't contribute much at the moment. The respirator masks are really uncomfortable I've only tried several times and I changed back to the surgical ones. I just hold my hope that I won't need to put those respirators on my face that often.

I totally agree that the COVID situation here is quite a mess, it actually messing up the whole world with this current variant. All I can do is do my own thing properly.

A new one from mum tonight.

"You are rotting inside and stink. Your brain stinks. Your room stinks (it's immaculate). Just die so I can can travel"

Thanks a lot.

Hi chris,

Are you OK? Sounds truly horrible

My dad would stay stuff like that..it was impossible.

Hi Sleepy.

Thank you for msg.

In my current headspace yes I'm fine.

As my mate from mental ward is similar as his parents abuse him too and can change extremely fast.

I'm actually looking at doing a PhD this year to move forward and mum said "I stink from the brain (no idea what that means) so noone would want you".

I'll do it if I find the right opportunity as I love legal theory

Hi Chris,

I also heard my parents mocking me behind my back once, putting on a voice and mimicking me and calling me stupid. I should've left right then...I got so used to it.

It still hurts to be treated that way but I guess they have a problem and not us.

Happy birthday BTW. U are a Capricorn!

Hi Sleepy.

Yes my parents also make fun of me "behind my back".

I should never have been here so I know what you must have felt.

They humiliate you yet seem to have no idea of the hurt it causes.

Hi Chris, that's very true, the shame of being there and also the shock of it made me brush it off, which wasn't healthy .

I was discouraged as well from trying new things when I was unwell. I hope u can do a phd, it sounds interesting and meaningful.

Hi Sleepy (and all)

My phD will focus on saving loves including suicide.

I do not believe enough theory or understanding by "Dr's" even comes close to being adequate.

My passion is saving lives.

If I save just one via my PhD it's better than nothing.

Hi Chris, I think Ud be excellent ....

Have u heard of the group or progra alternatives to suicide?

I agree saving and impacting one person is a crucial success.

I reflect on the ppl who really helped me dig myself out of my suicidal feelings and they were those who made me feel safe to speak about it.

U help ppl here have those conversations...

I was not aware until now.

I'm awaiting an answer as I believe crime (especially abuse) can be captured before it happens.

Sounds a bit Sci-Fi I know but I'm continuing this path

Hi the Rising.

Your words are wizardry that are amazing but I honestly don’t know how to......

Peter is in psych ward here and just a fantastic guy.

Bill has done 2 of my discharges and said "you are a pleasure to nurse".

Emergency doctors and nurses are horrible.

Hi Chris

The career you've decided to focus on is truly inspirational. As they say 'Necessity is the mother of invention'. What is undeniably necessary in this world involves there being more proactive steps for helping people, instead of so much being reactive these days. To be upstanding for those who face sufferance, as opposed to being a bystander, is what makes you outstanding.

In regard to those who suffer so deeply, you have gained the ability to relate to such incredibly deep sufferance. While we would not wish this ability on anyone, to be able to fully relate to what the absolute depths of depression truly feels like, sometimes this can be exactly what drives a person to fight for others (for them to never have to feel it).

As I may have mentioned before, being sensitive means we have the ability to sense. To be highly sensitive means we have the ability to sense easily, without much effort at all. I suppose you could say it's like having radar in a way. Anyone depressing around you will 'ping' (you'll feel it through their words, actions, inaction, body language etc). Anyone stressful, same thing. Anyone genuinely nice and uplifting will ping too, such as Bill and Peter. It's a matter of working out what the 'pings' are about, what they mean, how they feel. This is why, I believe, we have feelings. You gradually come to get a feel for who or what's on your radar :)

Mum's 70 is 23rd February.

Told my brother is coming down so "i have to book accommodation elsewhere".

Despite my brother being a criminal and I pay my way here.

Hi Chris

If your brother can sleep on a blow up mattress, can't see any reason why the 2 of you can't share the same bedroom while he's there, especially if he's not staying for long. Not ideal, that's for sure, but could be a solution. No reason why you should have to leave. Plenty of adults share a room under a variety of circumstances. Whether it's a hotel room, a dorm room at uni, on military barracks etc, typically the circumstances dictate the need.

Do you get along at all with your brother? Could reconnecting with him actually offer some advantages or opportunities? Maybe you've got certain challenges in common, more than you realise. Maybe you have some of the challenges posed by your parents in common, growing up, which you could discuss/resolve together. On the other hand, perhaps you're like chalk and cheese and will both need to consider managing the differences strategically. Sounds like your parents may not tolerate too much if you both expressed your differences.

Do you think you could tolerate sharing a room with him?

Seriously what did I do in another life.

My dog had another seizure this morning and (unlike last time) I refused to let him out as he'd massively hurt himself again.

Instead he jumped the halfway rails (as he loses the plot after a seizure - he's the gentlest dog ever just not in that frenzied state) now broken his leg.

I can't keep doing this

Hi Chris, how's Ur dog going...poor thing, must be a worry for u.

Awful Ur parents are helping u with accommodation. I know Ur going through a lot just sending support to u this evening.

My brother earns 400K a year.

I'm unemployed.

Mum came in to my crying and said "it's upsetting the neighbours who want to have a BBQ".

1100% true

Hi TheRising.

My brother is a criminal so shared rooms out of the question.

He's assaulted me on drugs hence my (soon) plastic surgery.

Hi Chris

Wow! Your brother would, understandably, be a major trigger in your life. Have you asked your mum why she'd consider choosing your brother over you when it comes to him staying? May not be the case but what comes to mind is the term 'problem child'. As a mum, I can relate to this to some degree. I have 2 kids and one is what I would once have described as 'the problem child', who had more problems than the other. While it's easier to vibe with the child that has no obvious problems, I came to realise it's not my job as a mum to neglect/dismiss the child who has the most problems. My role is as a guide and support for them as they work through those problems. It breaks my heart when I hear of parents who have adopted the mantra 'I raised my kid up to a point, now that they're and adult they're on their own'. What the hell?! Btw, when I was younger I was a problem child. It gets lonely, seriously confusing and deeply depressing to be left alone to sort your problems/challenges out. This doesn't change just because we get older.

Have you ever considered asking your mum if she classes herself as an effective guide in your life? Could you lead her to see things from the perspective as a guide? I pick your mum based on your father sounding a little too closed minded to be able to perhaps consider this angle. Not trying to induce loads of guilt in your mum, just wondering if you can raise her consciousness a little, when suggesting you perhaps ask her 'Mum, how many times have you said in my life, in one way or another (through words or actions), 'You're on your own' when I actually needed you the most?'. Would you consider challenging her in this way? Perhaps your brother's coming arrival could be pushing you to ask the hard questions of her. Could this be the moment where she rises to greater consciousness, where you wake her up to things? Could this go on to create a deeper connection that comes to serve you both?

So sorry to hear about Terry. Has the vet been able to pinpoint the reason for the seizures? If not, could it be stress Terry's reacting to? Could the stress factor be creating 'glitches' in his brain? Have you ever considered researching the benefits of pet therapy? Apparently such therapy serves the person and the pet, creating a sense of calm for both participants. The effects of such therapy on the brain, heart, nervous system etc are actually quite fascinating.

I feel for you so much as you face so many challenges at the same time.