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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Suicidal constantly

Topic: Suicidal constantly

  1. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    1 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    I have to say your efforts and results are outstanding. With your physical well being reflected in your weight loss, you're an absolute inspiration. This is something I need to work on myself, returning to greater physical well being. You're my inspiration Chris. I'm an emotional eater and it definitely shows. My unhealthy weight gain reflects the lack of joy in my life. Have just begun to seriously address this. Not sure where to start but I think that's because I'm at the beginning of the planning phase. Will make today a planning day. Gotta start somewhere :)

    I believe our planning stage (preceding significant life changes) can look a little all over the place at times. Can be a bit of an eye opener too. I think we gotta be careful when entering into a planning stage. With the revelations that come to mind, things have the potential to get a little dark. Kind of like 'Okay, now, why am I not entirely happy? I need to work out why, so I can move on and make constructive changes that will really stick'. Cue a revelation, 'Some of the people around me lead me to feel down'. Then things can begin to really unravel. That 'ball of string' begins to unravel. You could call it the 'Getting the knots out' stage. Could go on to sound a little like 'Have they always been this depressing or triggering. Oh my god, they have. How did I not see that? What's wrong with me? Am I really that foolish?' and so on. Can continue on to some self chastising dark and depressing internal dialogue or it can go 'Now that I've woken up to the nature of such people, I'm going to stay conscious of their behaviour and how it negatively impacts me. I will begin emotionally detaching from them in certain ways'. All of a sudden the anaylyst in you comes to life. The analyst is born. Happy birthday :) Now you're not emotionally reacting to such people, you're instead analysing their behaviour and what's wrong with it.

    I've come to realise over time that each time I cycle through a potentially depressing mind altering life changing challenge, it signifies a new part of me is on the verge of coming to life or coming back to life. I think the depressing side and all the hard work we do to get through that is something we could call 'the labor pains'.

    So glad you're feeling progress Chris. Light a candle, make a wish and blow it out into the universe and celebrate that part of you that's come to life :)

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to therising

    Thank you theRising.

    You are a fantastic person but unfortunately I feel a bit let down to be honest. (posters imply I don't know then I can't respond)

    How are you?

  3. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    BTW Bud my Panther (Greyhound) was sore on the weekend.

    Turns out he snapped a toe......it's been amputated as apparently best option.

    He's fine though, bouncing around, dogs make your mental health much better imo.

    The love dogs give is just sensational.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    357 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Sorry about Bud. Glad he's still bouncing around.

    how are you going, haven't heard from you in a while.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Sorry to hear you're feeling let down. 'Down' is rarely ever a good feeling or experience unless it involves calming down. What do we do with 'down' but, typically, feel it. Was saying to someone just the other day 'Would love to go to the GP to get a pill for 'up' (an upper)', when it comes to raising energy levels and emotion. I have to start generating more energy. I find a serious lack of energy is a trigger for depression for me and I can't afford to remain teetering on the brink of that for too long. Hard to begin generating energy when there's not a lot of it there to start with. Baby steps Chris :)

    What about yourself, you have any baby step strategies, anything to raise the vibe? Any particular music that lifts you a little? What about sitting with the sun on your face in the morning, powering up with a little sun bathing/solar power? How about stretching out the kinks in the morning, exhausting that stagnant energy out through your mouth (aka yawning)? I actually watch this cat that comes to visit us on occasion. Does all these cat things that work for cats and humans. Bit of sunbathing in the one spot in the back yard that gets the morning sun, a few yoga poses through stretching, bit of yawing and some loving human interaction and the list goes on. With my compulsion to wonder, I googled whether cat's meditate. Couldn't help but wonder as I began to observe this cat not lying down but sitting with its eyes closed while listening to all the sounds around it, with ears like a radar. Apparently cat's do meditate. It keeps their nervous system relaxed and allows them to exercise their senses, such as hearing/tuning into and out from certain sounds. Interesting creatures/teachers.

    Another thing I realised, as I sat with my face to the sun with my eyes closed the other morning, I thought 'I'll hold my hands up towards it too'. The warmth was beautiful. It felt like I was sitting in front of a fireplace. I smiled as I then realised 'What is the sun but a big ball of fire (putting it simply)'. Weird when you think about it, here's a fireplace thousands of miles away and you can feel it's warmth from where you sit.

    While I apologise for rambling a little, I can't help but ramble at times when it comes to certain aspects of nature. They can be so simplistic yet offer so much and I don't appreciate them as much as I should. With your most natural form of therapy, your beautiful dogs, I'm sure you can relate to the gifts of nature.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Thank you mate.

    I try to help wherever possible.

    I still read, I just won't post as much.

    Buddy is going great guns mate, as will you - you have made it this far,.which means you're an incredibly strong person.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to therising

    Most on here just talk about themselves.

    Then vanish. It's so selfish.

    You however, give a great amount of knowledge and frankly, I think you an amazing person.

    How are YOU?

  8. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Buddy now 37kgs.

    He's looking a million dollars!

    He is fit as.

  9. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Thank you for your kind words. You're so beautiful and you are also amazing. Never sell yourself short. I know the internal dialogue we hear can somethings lead us to do that. If it wasn't for you and others such as Centaured, I would not have learned as much about myself as what I have. Although our stories are all different, I think we all share a longing for self understanding, so as to move beyond what we don't yet fully understand about our self, the kind of things that can hold us back.

    I'm such a researcher Chris, such a wonderer. If I wonder about something I just have to research it a lot of the time. Whether it's how we work mentally, how we tick physically (from the basics of chemistry to quantum physics/how we 'matter') or even the spiritual woo woo stuff, the different aspects of life all fascinate me and lead me to understand human nature in different and amazing ways. I have to know how I tick, one of the reasons being so I don't return to full on depression. Have felt myself heading that way on a number of occasions. I'll do whatever it takes not to go there again, research included.

    Was looking at something just yesterday which provided an interesting take on life and reality. Nothing too intense. I hope I describe this clearly. Will give it my best shot...

    Imagine your life as a huge net or network of choices. Each choice determines how your timeline goes. Each intersecting point of the net is actually like a fork in the road, while you're moving ahead. You can continue along the same line, maybe a line you could call 'Complete and utter hopelessness' for example. At an intersecting point you may meet with an opportunity that holds the potential to provide a change, say like coming on the forums here for the first time. Now you face the fork - do you come on the forums or continue along the same line, of complete and utter hopelessness? The choice is yours. Which fork on your path or your net will you choose? Come on here and complete and utter hopelessness may be left behind to some degree. Of course you may still feel it from time to time but having come on the forums means you can chat with people in order to make some sense of why you're feeling it, something you may have been unable to do in the past. You may be led to question the people around you, instead of yourself all the time. 'I'm a tolerant person trying to manage depressing people' could be the revelation that alters perception.

    Btw, so glad Buddy's doing well :)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    My mate from suicide ward has now passed away.

    I told him to call me but he didn't.

    I'm devastated, but I am safe.

  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6829 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas
    Hey Chris, 

    We're so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing that with this community and letting us know what's happened. That's such sad news, we hope you're ok. 

    We're really glad you reached out, and that we were able to connect with you privately to offer some support. We hope you know we're here whenever you need to talk it through.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2134 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris Tas,

    Im so sorry for your loss.

    Please know we are here to support you as a community.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Chris

    Feeling great sorrow for you, him and others who were close to him.

    Depression is such cruel, exhausting and life threatening battle. It's horrible Chris, especially when you're left to wonder whether you could have made a difference to another with your support, compassion and words. You know, yourself, how unbearable it can all get, how life threatening depression can be at times when it's at its worst. I can relate to how painful such wondering can become, wondering about what we could have said, wondering why a friend didn't reach out. You can easily start to beat yourself up.

    I'm glad you're feeling safe right now. If things start to play on your mind, shifting your thoughts and internal dialogue in a seriously challenging direction, reach out asap. Any time you wish to share your grief, we're here for you.

    My heart goes out to you Chris.

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11073 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Dear Chris_Tas~

    I hope you don't mind me popping in for a moment, your having a mate there reminded me things I've been though, actually I was at one time on the ward myself with my mate and can think back on us in there together.

    So there is a big hole in your life, and it is only natural to wonder if one could have done more, or been more inviting so he did phone you. Sadly as you know yourself when really overwhelmed there is no room for thoughts of mates, or of calling them.

    I guss despite that wondering there might be something else to think on. And that is what effect you had on your mate's life while he was around. I know in a psych ward - or even before going htere - even little things can mean a lot. I had my mate and one good psych nurse and that was it. So what we said together made a big difference.

    I'd imagine you have done good. Being an understanding mate due to your own experiences, chatting and talking, even sometimes a laugh maybe. That sort of comfort is so imortant. It can ease a person's burden, even if only for a while.

    So who knows, you may have done more good than you know - what do you think?

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    Thank you all.

    At this time i won't reply individually.

    However every person is highly valued by me, and frankly, thank you.

    Chris

  16. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to Croix

    My Panther (aka big black Greyhound) decided to rip off his bandages.

    Thanks Buddy.....needed to be redone but stitches not too badly affected.

    He is much happier with new dressing so who knows as dogs can't speak hey, I love him.......

  17. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    "Million Paws Walk" here on Sunday.

    Buddy thinks he can walk a million Ks.....unfortunately he has an amputed toe.

    Terry would love it but then again, he's extremely calm......other dog owners shouldn't own them.

  18. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    27 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    New one tonight.

    Thought I'd make conversation with Dad who doesn't communicate much anymore as so miserable. (noone knows why)

    So I tell the story from news as my mates found it funny and response.....

    ....."if I was the slightest bit interested in anything you had to say I'd tell you, and this conversation wouldn't even be happening if you weren't born as an accident to start with".

    (I was an accident in terms of prior two children planned I wasn't)

    Great to hear hey, not toxic or hurtful at all.

  19. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    357 posts
    27 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    I'm sorry he said that to you Chris. No deserves to be told they are and an accident or mistake. Your father is a toxic person who is caught up in his own depression and sadness and who knows what else. It's not on you at all.

    Please know that you matter in this world and are important and I see you wanting to help others who have been where you have. Don't give up on your fight to see it a better world. You have a light people need to see and I'm sorry your father doesn't see it.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    27 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    You can't say you don't try. I find you seriously impressive actually, given how much you do try with your dad. Not sure I'd have your ability. I think I'd be too intolerant. I wasn't always this way. I used to be so careful with how I spoke with people. They could treat me rather poorly and I'd just cop it, so as not to rock the boat. Even if I felt myself becoming really down, based on other people's behaviour toward me, I'd do my best to manage 'down', while trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with me. Btw, there was nothing wrong with me. As a person who's sensitive to depressing people, I was actually doing my best with some pretty non existent self esteem. I'm managing to develop greater self respect and self love these days. We gotta break some old habits in order to achieve these things. The habit of listening to people who are full of poop is a habit worth breaking. When people speak poop, things can get messy :) Hope I got a smile out of you.

    Chris, 'accident' is your dad's interpretation of things and, in my opinion, he's way off the mark. You're not an 'accident' Chris and neither am I. By the time I came along, the last of 3 kids, my parents had lost a lot of love for each other. Obviously there was still some attraction otherwise I wouldn't be here but, overall, I'd be shocked if I was planned in any way. I'm me, a product of a bit of passion. Was I a 'mistake'? Don't care if I was or not. I don't regard myself as a mistake and that's what counts. If one of my parents turned around to me tomorrow and told me I was the biggest mistake of their life, first thing I'd say is 'You're full of s***' and then I'd remind them of how amazing I can be, while stating 'If you can't see my amazingness you've got a serious problem' :)

    Chris, I figure we don't have to be mountain climbers or trapeze artists to be amazing. We don't have to be rocket scientists or have impressively high paying jobs to be amazing. I am 100% spot on when I say some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life are the ones who work so hard in managing their mental health. To date, this is one of my greatest and most amazing achievements in life, managing my mental health.

    Here we are Chris, 2 amazing people, having a chat about a father who just can't see it.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    1 June 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Upset tonight.

    Dad who's treated me like sh-t, is in hospital.

    I'm safe just yeah

  22. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    1 June 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    You know what?

    I called (he never does) and said "thought you'd call earlier if you cared about me".

    He is fine.

  23. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    1 June 2022 in reply to therising
    He refuses to speak in home (if read through thread told me to * off as doesn't want me around)then goes to hospital and now I didn't call quick enough?
  24. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Thank you Sophie M.

    I want others to know I am safe and hopefully others return the favour.

  25. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    I'm glad you're safe. Do not discount giving yourself credit for every single trigger you work through Chris, every single one. Some will be obvious and some not so obvious. Your dad often produces the most obvious triggers, aiming straight for the heart, which is so incredibly cruel. Heartache is one of the hardest of all feelings to manage, in my opinion.

    A strange thought Chris but sometimes I wonder whether it would be so much easier being a sociopath; not a sadistic one, just a basic one. By the way, it's never a serious thought. I simply wonder what it would be like to never feel the need to seek approval. I wonder what it would be like to be fully convinced I'm the best thing since sliced bread, without a single doubt in my mind. No matter how much people tried to convince me I was wrong or I was 'faulty', I just wouldn't have it in me to believe them. I wonder what always serving myself would feel like, while being free of working hard to please people who are hard to please.

    Here we are Chris, nowhere near sociopath material. We're natural born feelers instead. We feel just about everything. We feel people's approval or disapproval. We feel their words and their actions. We feel the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows, the challenges (both joyful and depressing ones) and the list goes on. I wish someone had taught me, when I was younger, how to use and master my feelings - when to ramp them up, when to shut them down (consciously detach), when to channel them more, when to change channels (change focus so as to feel differently). I wish we all had the advantage of being an apprentice to a master of feelings. Being shown how to get a feel for the room we walk into, how to ramp up the volume when we need to get a better feel for a person, how to instantly alter a feeling when someone begins to bring us down etc. Without the luxury of having been raised my a master, I think we basically have to wing it, learning as we go.

    I've discovered over time, while there will be people who lead us to get a feel for all the positive feelings, there are those who teach us what all the depressing ones feel like. It sounds like your dad has taught you what the depressing ones feel like. Incredibly tough yet now you know. I suppose you could say that to become a master of the feeling spectrum, we are to be familiar with the whole of the spectrum, not just the happy end.

    The fact you are safe reflects your evolving degree of self mastery.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to therising

    I've read every word theRising.

    Dad is in hospital and now its "if you weren't such a failure I wouldn't be here".

    How his Pneumonia is my fault is hard to understand.

    Sort of over it all.

  27. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Buddy now 37.5 kilos.

    Not high compared to the fat/solid dogs but for a Grey he's now a big boy.

    Can eat off the sink without jumping the rascal!!!!

  28. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris

    Kids and dogs, they're all opportunists :) I bet he's thrilled he can reach the sink easily now. Good to hear he's making progress. You're blessed to have your 2 beautiful boys.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to therising

    Thank you theRising.

    Maybe we can meet some day. I'd love that to learn more off you.

    You have saved my life.

    You look after yourself as you are a fantastic person.

    Chris

     

     

  30. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to therising
    I really want you to know
    You are the only reason I'm still alive.

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