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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Kremit the Forg
    Kremit the Forg avatar
    13 posts
    29 September 2021

    Six o'clock in the morning. It's my only refuge.

    I get out of bed after getting around three to four hours sleep every night.

    I sit on the couch, alone, in my pjs, knees up to my chest, with a coffee and listen to the silence of the world before it wakes up.

    It's the only time i feel like i fit in anywhere. The only time my thoughts are quiet. Relative peace.

    I watch the clock slowly move through the first hour. Each minute my thoughts getting louder.

    Then the world starts to intrude. It gets noisy and busy.

    Work intrudes soon too. At least there's a break from monotony but it's also a stark reminder of people who aren't alone. It makes feel like i don't belong.

    Away from the first hours silence and in the world all my thoughts return to why be here. There's no point. I cry driving the car to work. I cry at work. I cry driving home from work.

    Then i sit on the couch watching time until it's time to pointlessly try to sleep.

    Waiting for six o'clock in the morning.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    2 October 2021

    Hi Everyone,

    How do I get out of this terrible downward spiral? The last few days have resulted in me wanting to just stop the pain and to stop just trying to exist. My health including the spread of the cancer has taken a turn for the worse.

    I think that I want to let nature take its course and get no further treatment. I'm just so tired and without any support I'm questioning everything.

    I'm trying to fight but my mind is so deep down that I don't see a way out. I know that I wanted to type more but the words and my thoughts are all over the place. I'm just so overwhelmed. I hope and pray we all have a better life.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4480 posts
    2 October 2021 in reply to Kremit the Forg

    Hi Kremit, welcome to the forums. Your picture reminds me of me, it is a great image, although of course so sad.

    I felt moved by your writing. Here to listen, if u want to share more.

  4. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4480 posts
    2 October 2021 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    That sounds like your thoughts and feelings are in a dark place... that is something thay can can to anyone of us, and is hard sometimes to step back from.

    Have u got anyone to talk to about how Ur feelong? I didn't and still don't really, trying to build a support system is hard. I'm here to listen and am deeply sorry for Ur struggle

    2 people found this helpful
  5. TianeL
    TianeL avatar
    1 posts
    2 October 2021

    Feeling alone and having anxiety and depression isnt helping me. In the past 5 years i watched my dad pass and i have had 3 surgeries. Ive been rejected dsp.

    Tried to reach out to family and been told to harden up and im a loose cannon. Im really struggling.

  6. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9362 posts
    2 October 2021 in reply to TianeL

    Hello Dear TianeL,

    A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

    Im deeply sorry that your going through so much right...Watching your father pass away would be deeply saddening....My deepest condolences dear TianeL...no words I could say would ease the heartache of loosing him...

    We are so pleased that you reached out to us here at Beyond Blue...I know how hard it is to write your first post...Well done TianeL..

    Im wondering if you would like to start your own thread...that way you can get a lot more support from our lovely community members....

    If you press on Frequently Asked Questions the first post will explain how to start your own thread..

    I will keep a look out for your new thread if you decide to start one..

    My kindest thoughts dear TianeL..

    Grandy..

  7. I_love_pugs
    I_love_pugs avatar
    3 posts
    6 October 2021
    Recently I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts daily and I don't know what to do the one thing that I would have to say is keeping me here would have to be my boyfriend and my best friend. the thoughts are really distracting I haven't been able to do any school work for the first two days of term.
  8. I_love_pugs
    I_love_pugs avatar
    3 posts
    6 October 2021 in reply to TianeL
    I am so sorry that happened to you. Your family should of supported you. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for a few years now I find listening to music and journaling helps. I hope things get better for you.
  9. hazgyak
    hazgyak avatar
    2 posts
    9 October 2021
    i think im staying here because of my mum. i dont know what she'd do if i left. and i know this sounds stupid but i really want to go to a concert. i should be going to three next year and its sort of my way of ensuring that i will live a bit longer. :)
  10. Firecracker3000
    Firecracker3000 avatar
    2 posts
    11 October 2021
    My kids keep me earth bound.
    My heart seem to be weighed down by each death I experience around me. I feel what their loved ones feel and I know I can never do that to my children, but the weight of hopelessness drowns me. It’s why my mask is so happy and bright, I give it everything I have.
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Guest9337
    Guest9337 avatar
    1001 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Firecracker3000

    for me today, breathing itself is painful. I will keep doing breathing of course!

    my thoughts are empty of selfharm or suicide but I still suffer much today

  12. gucia6
    gucia6 avatar
    84 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Guest9337

    what kept me here in the past?

    First time it was my own miserable reflection in the mirror and miraculously passing thought, that I have power to change things

    Second time my pregnancy.

    Since then my kids.

    Now there are times that I feel I am continuing for myself. Thanks to treatment, thanks to people who accepted me with my problems. And discovering my true self feels like adventure sometimes

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4480 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to TianeL

    Welcome tiane

    M really sorry u have had such a difficult time. I hope we can help in some small way here at BB, here to listen

  14. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    13 October 2021

    Hi Everyone,

    I hope that everyone is going OK during these times. I'm really fragile at this moment as my cancer has spread even further. They have found more lumps in my neck affecting my speech due to the placement of them.There is talk of me losing my ability to speak, I can't lie, I'm really scared.

    I'm just so tired and sore but I'm trying to fight the feelings of ending my life as I need to find some good out of my cancer. I hope I don't cry all day today. Its so overwhelming.

    Thank you for listening, I don't deserve anyone's care and concern but I'm really grateful that I have a place like this to open up. I'd better go.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  15. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6151 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo,
      We can hear there's a lot going on right now. This must be an incredibly scary time, but we're glad you could share this here. 

    We are reaching out to you directly, but please know that our counsellors here for you on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat here. There's also Lifeline on 13 11 14 and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. You are deserving of care and concern, and no one should ever make you feel otherwise. Please reach out to 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or via webchat.

    Our counsellors are here for you, and this community does not want you to feel alone or unsafe, so please know there is care for you here. 

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
  16. Whysosad
    Whysosad avatar
    10 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo, I am sad to hear about your situation, I would be fearful also, anyone would. You are important, you matter!!! You deserve love and care. Be gentle on your self. Being human can be so hard, so if at the day's end your safe in bed, you have been successful. One day at a time. I think you are very brave for sharing your story, love and hugs to you,.
  17. Rupes79
    Rupes79 avatar
    67 posts
    31 October 2021

    What do you tell yourself when you’ve run out of things that are keeping you here?

    When you think of death as the solution to all your problems?

  18. Mk2692
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Mk2692 avatar
    107 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Rupes79

    Hi Rupes79,

    I would tell myself I am here for a reason, I might not know yet what the reason is, but there is a good reason why i am here. I will try to find that reason, strive in every step i take because I am important and I am valued. If you do have a family, I would say family is one big reason to stay and fight through. Life is hard sometimes, but it also is full of a lot of blessings, there are ups and downs, we just have to get through the downs to find the ups. I believe we are all here to help each other in away and make a positive impact, we are all important and we are all loved by someone. Trying your best and fighting through is the best solution, because better things will always come eventually.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Baljit
    Community Champion
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    Baljit avatar
    58 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to Whysosad

    Hi Everyone,

    Family and me, are the main reasons for me.

    This is because I have learnt to start loving myself, others loving me and I am worthy of being loved and loving others…

    Receive and share “The ❤️“

    Baljit

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    3 November 2021 in reply to Rupes79

    Hi Rupes,

    Wish I had an answer for you!

    Maybe you could consider what your problems are and how you might be able to work through them, accept them or live with them for a while.

    Some one once told me I didn't really want to be dead, I wanted and escape form all I was experiencing.

    They didn't have any answers either as to how to achieve a greater sense of wanting to live.

    I'm trying to work on ways to not let the despair be so overwhelming that death does seem like the only answer.

    Today I am going to move wheelbarrow loads of mulch onto the garden. Maybe at the end of that I will feel like I have achieved something.

    What can you do today to change your thoughts and perspective a little?

  21. randomx
    randomx avatar
    2889 posts
    5 November 2021

    l treated myself to a new Kayak, so l can't wait now to do some kayaking as apposed to my canoe. l'm also setting the car up for camping and l wanna try getting away on the wkends a bit and to hell with life work and all the things l have to get through.

    Really , they're are about the only things right now but they are really keeping me keeping on and looking forward to something for once . l work at home and don't socialize much , and l have a lot going on , way too much , but it's all based around home and it's all based on just lifes bs and have to do's and things l need to push and force myself to do an to keep going with, and to cope with.

    Soooo, l really hoping having something l actually want to do, look forward too , gets me away from everything else , just helps and gives me some enjoyment again instead of drudgery , we see l suppose. lf l can't enjoy at least something right now then what's the point of all the other bs.

    rx

  22. Anne(withan-e)
    Anne(withan-e)  avatar
    85 posts
    19 November 2021
    Not much tbh
  23. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6151 posts
    19 November 2021 in reply to Anne(withan-e)
    Hey Anne(withan-e),

    We can hear you're having a really difficult time. We're glad you could take such a strong and brave action in sharing it here. Please know that we're here and this community is also here for you,

    It’s really important that you are kind to yourself, and keep yourself safe. It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

    We can hear you might not feel like talking with a counsellor online, so please remember we're at the end of the phone on 1300 22 4636, and so are our friends at Lifeline, and at the Suicide Callback Service (1300 659 467).

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
  24. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    20 November 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Recently I hit a really rough spot and wondered why I am here.

    Thankfully I am coping better now. I am trying to find the strength to move on.

    I know there will be more moments of despair and struggle in my life. I need to use this time to help ground myself, to re-learn techniques and use copying strategies.

    I read a quote that stated "You are not stuck where you are unless you choose to be stuck" . Part of me agrees with that and part of me questions it.

    The times when depression hits extremely hard, there are moments where any action seems difficult if not impossible. Sometimes being stuck for a moment is actually safe, as it gives my mind time to rest so I can then move on.

    To all of you who are struggling and feeling stuck. Sit for a moment. Consider one thing you can do to help yourself right now. Then try and think of something else. If you have the strength, try and put those thoughts into action.

    One step at a time.

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    27 November 2021

    Hi Everyone,

    I hope everyone who posts on here realises just how special they truly are. For not only opening up and sharing their thoughts but also for being such a great support for others who are struggling to find reasons to live. I believe that you truly do save lives.

    I'm trying to use positive thinking but I'm so very deep down in my cycle of hatred and self loathing that I'm not sure if I can escape my dark thoughts.  

    There are so many other things wrong but I don't want to upset anyone with the graphic details. I know I don't care about what happens to me anymore.

    Regards,

    Emo.


    1 person found this helpful
  26. Dazk
    Dazk avatar
    1 posts
    28 November 2021
    im not doing ok, my anxiety depression and ptsd are running rampant , i am tyring my best to get on top of it , but its nearly impossible. I recently arrived back after many years overseas, and had to leave my kids and return due to a divorce and just not feeling safe around my ex wife. i was planning to move to WA but the lockdown got me stuck in Victoria since , and i pretty much dont leave my room . My ptsd took off , after i did not realise the danger of talking about a past trauma and subsequently it triggered a range of responses which led to the breakdown of my closest friendship, i was so embarrassed and humiliated by my behaviour that im now feeling myself sink....one part of me wants to stop it, another part says let it go...you aint worth shit anyway. The worst part of all of this is i was actually traumatised in PTSD treatment by a phsyc and since then i have never trusted any medical professionals ...i avoid drs like the plague even though i deal with serious pain issues. I feel like im in a corner with no way out ...the only thing saving me at the moment is the love for my kids , but im sure thats going to reverse eventually
  27. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6151 posts
    28 November 2021 in reply to Dazk
    Dear Dazk, 

    Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here.

    We are so sorry to hear that your anxiety, depression and PTSD are running rampant at the moment, and that you're experiencing serious pain issues. That is a lot to deal with. 

    Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

    If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, please remember that here are always crisis support services available such as at Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000 – Triple zero) if you find yourself to be in immediate danger.

    Please continue to post as you see fit. We're always here to listen! 
  28. tumbleweed8
    tumbleweed8 avatar
    1 posts
    4 December 2021

    I have been deeply affected and pushed to suicidal thoughts as well as some other things because of certain people in my life.

    These people sometimes enjoy saying things about me which I do not enjoy hearing.

    I stay to prove them wrong. I stay so that one day, when I have a happy life, I will have the ability to shut those people out of it.

  29. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10565 posts
    4 December 2021 in reply to tumbleweed8

    Dear tumbleweed8~

    Welcome here to the Forum, it's a good place to come to and as you have seen from this thread there are others who have been badly treated and pushed too far. Having such hard times makes both for understanding, and most often a desire to help others in the same sort of situation.

    So you are among friends.

    It is a terrible thing to by put down, held in low regard or sneered at by others. It's even worse if it is family or friends, becuse it it is just those people oyu would expect support and understanding from.

    I'm glad you are gong to stick around, though there really is no need to prove yourself to them, if they were worth proving to they would not say the things they did.

    I would like to know more about you and your circumstances as I and others would like to talk about your problems and give our own accounts of where we've been. Without that we can only give more general tips, and you deserve better than that.

    So a couple of thngs, the first being if you feel overwhelmed or frightened of whay you might do then call someone

    There's the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) if you are under 25. They have chat as well as phone on

    https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

    If that's not OK then the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) would be my own next choice, they too have web chat if you do not want to talk voice to voice

    https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

    They can both be a real comfort to talk/chat with and are sensible, experienced and very useful

    A third thing -sorry about the long list -is that to get the best out of this Forum it is a big help if you have your own thread where people can notice you and message you -this thread is very general and packed with others so it's harder to see you

    To make your own thread you can look at the instructions here:

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qowFFnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Any hassles please sing out here

    Croix

    Can I ask if you have considered getting medical assistance? I kept on going down until I had competent medical help, then that started me back to a better time. It can start wiht the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) if you are under 25 -they have a chat line too, or by a visit to a GP, setting ou

  30. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4480 posts
    7 December 2021 in reply to tumbleweed8

    Hi tumbleweed

    Unfortunately there are some cruel, abusive, and dangerous ppl out there

    Can u distance urself from them at all physically? Hope u are okay, I know what u mean about staying to prove ppl wrong.

    When ppl harm us, we feel so broken, but some parts of us, our survival instinct, can still shine bright when all else feels dark.

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