Dear Kathleen*~
This is a long message and might seem daunting to read all at once, so if you need to take you time and go bit by bit.
I now you have a thread of you own at:
Forums
/
Suicidal thoughts and self-harm /
Too tired
However I'm going to answer here in case it makes it easier for you - and also to maybe see in a fresh place new things are possible.
I know the things you do for others, work 45-55 hours a week, support your husband and 20 year old son, to give your 16 year old daughter the best possible start in life despite her attitude, and the regrets you have over your sweet 11 year old who does not get as much of you as you feel needs to be given.
I can understand why you have done all this. Despite your own opinion you are capable, intelligent, hard working and full of love. Now you are trapped by those very virtues.
You have only really made one mistake, and that too is common and understandable - you have over the years seen yourself as a bottomless well of love, care, help and capability. Sadly you are wrong, you have limits and you have far exceeded yours. You have reached the stage where you cannot even help yourself properly, driven as you are.
I too regarded myself as infinitely capable and like you wanted to kill myself and in fact went further as the whole of life became impossible. I saw all this as my failure, my weakness, my lack of strenght -and many other things along those lines. Tiredness could not begin to describe how I felt.
I'm a different person now, with occupation, accomplishment, satisfaction and love - both given and received.
I came to medical support very late, and that made things worse. The turning point for me was - I beleive - being in hospital. Looking out at the world from a place where the were no demands, none expected and no obligations.time could pass without duties.
I cannot say I enjoyed the ward, and escaped into books, however some there were kind, and the separation from all my duties, relationships and life was a balm to the soul
You can have no idea of balm until you have felt it for yourself
I cannot say it is the right thing for you as I'm not a doctor, however I suspect it might be. Please no not be dissuaded by explanations to family, or worry they will not make it without you
ACT FOR YOU SELF THIS ONCE PLEASE. You are a worthy person who deserves life - a better life.
I would take it as a personal favor if you continued to talk here (or your own thread).
Croix