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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Hi1973794
    Hi1973794 avatar
    1 posts
    2 December 2018

    At the moment I’ve been going through some stuff and a lot of the time I have sucidal thoughts,but I just think of the things that keep me alive.

    •my pets •my extended family •future job and family •travelling the world •finishing high school and just thinking of the opportunities I would miss out on if I did do it.

    this helps me a lot and I have so much to look forward to so just thinking about them,helps me alot

    5 people found this helpful
  2. Zazu
    Zazu avatar
    27 posts
    4 December 2018
    Indecision.
    On one hand, I want to make sure my mum and husband don't feel responsible for my choice.
    On the other hand I see how much better off they'd be after the initial adjustment.
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Tess2
    blueVoices member
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    Tess2 avatar
    466 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hi,

    my reasons are exactly like yours! But I’d add my children and my grandchildren and a dearly loved brother who would be devastated.

    But some days I wonder if that is enough

    tess

    3 people found this helpful
  4. IsaJett
    blueVoices member
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    IsaJett avatar
    231 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to IreneM
    I have found that people with depression and anxiety .MYSELF included ...we r almost like the TOO NICE bunch ...we r so nice that when other people somehow because of their insensitivity hurt us one way or another ,..and this is a broad spectrum through bullying in workforce and school and home with spouse ...anywhere really . We the ones with depression and anxiety ...stay within ourselves ...we copped it all on the chin and we just take the brunt of it and internalise it ....because we are too nice ...we would not lash out on others like some people would ...as we simply too Nice....so we somehow unfortunately to our own demise suffer depression and anxiety . I come here to let everyone suffering one way or the other ....know that there is hope ...there is cure ....and we apart from being too NICE ....we are always a very INTELLIGEN breed...with the best of hearts ....and together ...we can nip depression and anxiety . Sure it still knock us about ...but we still be the ones standing united .STAY POSITIVE COMRADES ...that is our best WEAPON .
    4 people found this helpful
  5. lemi
    lemi  avatar
    5 posts
    19 December 2018

    For a while, the one thing that prevented me from attempting was that I couldn’t decide on the most “effective” method. I simply wanted to die and being in my early teens at the time I was scared of any repurcusions that would arise from a failed attempt- what would I even say to my mum when I woke up? Would I be forced into a psych ward? (I have only ever been admitted voluntarily).

    When I was a little older I began to understand how truly devastating a suicide is to family and friends and decided I simply could not put my loved ones through that pain. I told myself that I was staying alive for them, not myself, but that one day I would want to stay alive for myself. Eventually, I did! I still experience the occasional thought of suicide or self harm (this was also an issue for me, to a lesser extent than the suicidal thoughts/tendencies) however I believe these thoughts occur out of habit... which sounds strange, but I don’t know how else to explain it when overall I have not considered myself to be suicidal for five years now.

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    19 December 2018 in reply to lemi

    Dear Lemi~

    I was reading that you still have suicidal/self harm thoughts and wondered why. I can't say I know the answer except I think that for some people they start in the first place as an attempt to 'fix' whatever is unbearable.

    This was me, and as time has gone one they still do happen - the suggestion of a way out of current problems. However they have lost their power. I'm able to think back on all the times I've felt that way and that lets me know they pass, and problems become able to be dealt with. I also have a Safety Plan.

    If I understand you correctly you are finding things in life you want to live for, not just keep on living out of love and concern for others. I'm glad.

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Beetle
    Beetle avatar
    236 posts
    20 December 2018

    Often I just want the merry goaround to stop. Just to close my eyes and float away. Unfortunately nearly succeeded once.Its not the wish to die per se its the wish to make life livable again, The unbearable feelings inside me get so overwhelming that "floating away" seems VERY tempting. But as my psych tells me that would be a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Well that problem is nearly a year now.

    Reason I did not suicide? My friends, my therapist and psychiatrist and my GP. They all care. My family I don't know major issues in that department.

    I got meds for bad days over x-mas. I am setting up meetings with my friends so I don't get lonely. I am still sick and rely on other people to come to me , I cant go to them. Sux.cant shop cant drive cant cycle.

    But I will force myself to see the good things in life. I must. I have a chance to recover .I must take this cache. some people at never given this chance......

    3 people found this helpful
  8. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    24 December 2018 in reply to Beetle

    Hi Beetle,

    Your plans to help you keep safe are an excellent idea. I find the more options and detail in my safety plan the safer I am.

    Are you able to contact your psych in a crisis too? If not it may help to store the numbers for helplines especially the suicide call back service.

    I'm glad you are here and keeping on trying. If it helps you at all please remember many of us here have been in that place where it feels hopeless. Noone will judge here so if you need support please don't hesitate to reach out.

    ❤ Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  9. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    24 December 2018 in reply to Beetle

    Hello Beetle

    Congratulations on looking ahead to keep safe. It sounds like you are as prepared as you can be.

    One phone number I would like you to keep handy is the Suicide Call Back Service. 1300 659 467 They are amazing people. No judgements, simply a listening ear with suggestions on keeping safe or going to hospital if it gets too bad. Cannot remember the number of times they have given me tremendous help and I have stayed safe.

    During these holiday times I suspect there may be many more calls than usual to this service, but please hang on and wait. So many people find Christmas difficult and need some support. Write in here as much as you want. I cannot guarantee a swift answer but it may be helpful to just write.

    In spite of everything going down the tubes I hope your Christmas will be safe and you will find renewed strength to move forward.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  10. aggy2801
    aggy2801 avatar
    10 posts
    30 December 2018 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Hey everyone

    At the the start of the month I struggled with suicidal thoughts and didn't think about doing anything about it and never really made of list of reasons to stay and hopefully this list will help others as other people's lists have helped me.

    - My family

    - pets

    - the life experiences and opportunities after high school finishes

    - things around me that make life such an amazing thing like nature, sunsets, all that stuff

    - also knowing that if I actually did do it how much hurt and pain i'd be putting my family through and I would never want to do that to my family.

    Thankyou for giving me a space to write this down

    3 people found this helpful
  11. IreneM
    blueVoices member
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    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    4 January 2019 in reply to IsaJett

    Very Lovely Response IsaJett!

    Yes We are Comrades working together to support each other!

    It gives us all a sense of Unity and that we are a team all there for each other.

    I am doing really well now and, as a result am, in 2019, about to start giving advice.

    It's a bit confronting thinking about all of the issues that affected me when I was an acute kidney patient for about thirty years before I got renal failure, and on dialysis, before I got my donated kidney; but now I have to give them serious thought as I raise them with Queensland Health on behalf of all other patients in these two categories. But the end result will be better care plan for people with kidney issues of any kind.

    The other success that I am having is getting ready to study as a therapist. I have done enough preparation to know that being a mental therapist is more than likely for me. So starting in 2019 I will begin preparations to become a mental therapist. Now that I understand the basics of how our minds work I will look into this further.

    Irene.

    3 people found this helpful
  12. Rubix
    Rubix avatar
    15 posts
    11 January 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    It would have to be my three kids but not particularly for positive reasons (the joy they can bring etc). Rather, it's a fear that they won't receive the right guidance in life as they grow into teenagers and beyond. Part of my depression/anxiety stems from discontent with the current status of the world and where I envisage it is going. I have very little optimism about the future.

    If I didn't have kids or if they were adult and were relatively stable then perhaps I'd consider departing more seriously. But then I've never really had a definitive exit plan either. There is a fear I'd get it wrong and come out of it physically worse. Perhaps the fact that I'm put off by the nature of the more certain ways is an indication that perhaps I have quite reached the bottom.

    So my reasons for staying aren't so much positive, but rather that I feel trapped.

    4 people found this helpful
  13. Ggrand
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    Ggrand avatar
    10015 posts
    12 January 2019 in reply to Rubix

    Hello Rubin and all,

    Im so very glad that you have three beautiful children that need you to help guide them into their teenage years and beyond...It really doesn’t matter how old your children get they will always need and love you, Your their mum, and one day you will hopefully have the honour of being a grand mum to their children, Think of the beautiful times that are waiting for you in the future Rubix, There is now I’m sure some very precious memories being made with you and your children, as adults they still need their mum always...

    Rubix, I’m sending you some comforting hugs 🤗 and some of my hope 🌈 so you can see that their definitely is something better around that corner...

    Very caring thoughts,

    Grandy..👼..

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    14 January 2019 in reply to Rubix

    Hi Rubix and anyone reading.

    (And hello too to Grandy... Your post was helpful to me also so thank you).

    Rubix it takes a lot of guts to permit yourself to realise let alone admit that you live because you need to care for others. I realised the same today. Have been isolating myself, avoiding people and picking fights with loved ones because I want to be alone. If noone needs me I am free to act.

    However... The good thing about allowing ourselves to admit and record that we are feeling this way is that we can now see this is unsafe and it is time to seek medical help.

    I see my psychiatrist thursday and plan to resume therapy. Perhaps it sounds an overreaction but I know for myself these signs are unhealthy. What about you? Do you have a medical team you can check in with?

    Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  15. IreneM
    blueVoices member
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    IreneM avatar
    315 posts
    28 January 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Lovely thoughts Nat

    I think what has been helping me to become more positive is by writing and admitting my negative thoughts in a journal and later, when I am more calm and at peace, I go through these thoughts and try to write on the opposite page any positive thoughts or actions that could help to replace them.

    This gives me a goal to work towards or aim for, and over time I am becoming more positive instead of negative in my thinking.

    Irene.

    3 people found this helpful
  16. Batula
    Batula avatar
    3 posts
    2 February 2019
    It was my kids that stopped me. But then dhs took them away!
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Rubix
    Rubix avatar
    15 posts
    4 February 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    There is now I’m sure some very precious memories being made with you and your children, as adults they still need their mum always...

    True. Alas I am their dad, so I'm somewhat more expendable.

    It isn't so much that I believe they need me, rather that I have this deep distrust about the way western society is headed, peer pressures they may be exposed to and , yes I'm sorry to say, not a lot of faith in their mother to give them a perceived (mine) balance on a number of important life matters. I feel pressure to stay only because I helped bring them into this world.

    Regarding the other poster's query about medical assistance. No I don't. I don't feel like numbing myself to reality and they will tell me that it's just paranoia etc whereas the comments I hear from time to time clearly indicate it's very real.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. enigmaboy
    enigmaboy avatar
    5 posts
    20 February 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    I know this is an old post but I feel like saying that the only reasons I stay is because although I internally view myself as completely worthless and a waste of human life, I know first hand what kind of impact suicide can have on people, I've had many people in my immediate circle attempt suicide. It completely destroys families forever and things aren't ever the same, it creates a never ending domino effect of destruction and it eats away at everyone involved. I also feel like there's more for me to do in this world, I'm not done, I wanna see my loved ones succeed in life, I wanna have an impact on other people's lives before I take my own and I know I have something I can contribute in this world more than just self loathing.

    So I guess my realism is what kept me here :)

    3 people found this helpful
  19. Smiley kylie
    Smiley kylie  avatar
    1 posts
    24 February 2019 in reply to enigmaboy
    I feel ya. I have no reason I can think of to keep going. I'm so lonely
  20. giggles
    giggles avatar
    126 posts
    24 February 2019 in reply to enigmaboy

    Hey enigmaboy

    ditto,what keeps me here is when l am actually feeling the love for my Grandsons.

    lts mainly when l am alone l get the mind stuff ticking.

    l have however continually got a new motivation with learning the Piano. Very very fortunate with the teacher however who does it because he can. How lucky am l.

    l started 4yrs ago every week it brings me some joy.

    Not a cure but something.

    it was good to read you have the same idea about living.

    I do alot of activities that create but its only ever a tempery thing.

    Giggles

    1 person found this helpful
  21. MsPurple
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    1621 posts
    25 February 2019 in reply to giggles

    Hi gigggles, smiley kylie and enigmaboy and anyone else on this page

    When I start thinking more about suicide and death it means to me that my depression is worsening. I usually go to back to my gp (due to sometimes meds need to change for a month or so) and back to my psychologist. I try see my psychologist every 6 weeks (due to mental health plan giving 10 sessions a year). If I need to go more I will do so (can get an EPC made for psychology, not as much medicare rebate as a mental health plan but better than nothing). Together with my psychologist I try discuss how I am feeling, and what has caused this increase in depression. I am a talker as well. I sometimes need to just discuss my feeling with someone who is a professional because they signed up to do this as a job and passion. I also talk to my family for other things that aren't overwhelming for them

    Do you guys have a good support system at home? Do you see a psychologist? I found it took me seeing one person, realising I didn't click, then seeing another one before I found one I could talk to and be comfortable

    I have also tried finding hobbies I like. In the last two years I have discovered triathlon. I find the sport is very community oriented. Yes some people are really competetative (in the open category) however most people are their to challenge themselves and have fun. It is great. People of all ages, sizes and abilities give it a go. They have short distances for beginners to longer. I love it. It gives me something to train for. I have also met so many people, and recently joined a cycling club. Some days I wonder 'what am I even doing with my life, why am I here?' but having something to get up for and train for really helps.

    I also find dog therapy great. I unfortunatley don't have a dog at my place, whoever my parents do. I just go over and have dog cuddles. Especially on bad days it makes me feel so much better. I hope to get a dogs soon when I can afford it and when I have a little bit of a yard/grass.

    Life can be tough. Especially in the rough places, you wonder, 'How am I gonna get through this?' But I try remind myself of the good times and how if I end it all, I could miss out on some on more of the good times

    4 people found this helpful
  22. Kathleen*
    Kathleen* avatar
    22 posts
    2 March 2019

    What is keeping me here?

    I’m always telling myself my family. Honestly though I am terrified of failing. If I fail I could be brain damaged or disabled.

    I’m scared of failing at suicide and my family and friends finding out I’m weak and lost. 

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    6818 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Kathleen*
    Hi Kathleen,

    Thanks for taking the time to share with our community. We're writing to you today, because we are worried about you, based on your post, and wanted to let you know that we've asked our Support Service to reach out to you via email. You can also reach out to them on 1300 22 4636 (24/7).

    Keep posting to let us know how you're feeling.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Kathleen*

    Dear Kathleen*~

    This is a long message and might seem daunting to read all at once, so if you need to take you time and go bit by bit.

    I now you have a thread of you own at:

    Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Too tired

    However I'm going to answer here in case it makes it easier for you - and also to maybe see in a fresh place new things are possible.

    I know the things you do for others, work 45-55 hours a week, support your husband and 20 year old son, to give your 16 year old daughter the best possible start in life despite her attitude, and the regrets you have over your sweet 11 year old who does not get as much of you as you feel needs to be given.

    I can understand why you have done all this. Despite your own opinion you are capable, intelligent, hard working and full of love. Now you are trapped by those very virtues.

    You have only really made one mistake, and that too is common and understandable - you have over the years seen yourself as a bottomless well of love, care, help and capability. Sadly you are wrong, you have limits and you have far exceeded yours. You have reached the stage where you cannot even help yourself properly, driven as you are.

    I too regarded myself as infinitely capable and like you wanted to kill myself and in fact went further as the whole of life became impossible. I saw all this as my failure, my weakness, my lack of strenght -and many other things along those lines. Tiredness could not begin to describe how I felt.

    I'm a different person now, with occupation, accomplishment, satisfaction and love - both given and received.

    I came to medical support very late, and that made things worse. The turning point for me was - I beleive - being in hospital. Looking out at the world from a place where the were no demands, none expected and no obligations.time could pass without duties.

    I cannot say I enjoyed the ward, and escaped into books, however some there were kind, and the separation from all my duties, relationships and life was a balm to the soul

    You can have no idea of balm until you have felt it for yourself

    I cannot say it is the right thing for you as I'm not a doctor, however I suspect it might be. Please no not be dissuaded by explanations to family, or worry they will not make it without you

    ACT FOR YOU SELF THIS ONCE PLEASE. You are a worthy person who deserves life - a better life.

    I would take it as a personal favor if you continued to talk here (or your own thread).

    Croix

    4 people found this helpful
  25. Kathleen*
    Kathleen* avatar
    22 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Croix
    Thank you for replying, I never know how to respond to people that seem to care. The thing is that I don’t think I have the energy, care for myself, time, desire (whatever it is) something in me just doesn’t want to help myself
    2 people found this helpful
  26. MsPurple
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    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Kathleen*

    Hi Kathleen.

    I know. Sometimes when it can be hard to know how to respond to people when in a bad place.I know it can be difficult for myself sometimes. But I know they have good intent, I also know I'd do the same thing if I was in their boat. I think you'd do the same in for anyone else.

    So how have you been lately? Have you talked about your feelings to someone. I know when my brain goes to dark places I talking to my psychologist helps. I can be completely honest with them and they can help me through the tough feelings and thoughts I bury. I think maybe booking an appointment to see your psychologist (or finding one) would be really beneficial.

    Although us forum users are awesome we can not give instant responses. There is a chat section on the bottom left of the page if you need more instant responses

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Croix
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11065 posts
    4 March 2019 in reply to Kathleen*

    Dear Kathleen*~

    Thank you for replying.

    There is no need to worry about how to respond, what one is right down then just saying that you received and read is quite enough. You have done that - plus more.

    You said it seems like there is something inside you that does not want to help yourself. That is understandable, I went though similar, which is one reason why I was resentful when even the gentlest help or inquiry was offered.

    I guess one gets on a sort or treadmill, putting all our energies into just keeping going, one foot after another. There is nothing left to try new things or change - or even imagine them.

    That is why it takes help, a hand to steady you off that wheel and help you simply stop the repetitive and destructive action.

    A simple call - perhaps to the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) done in a moment when none can hear could be the start on the way you. Let them know about your life and the only reason you are here is fear of consequences.

    People such as these are here for people like you, they are not puzzled or unsure, they are used to desperate circumstances and are caring and practical.

    I personally recommend them.

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Byrnzzee
    Byrnzzee avatar
    2 posts
    4 March 2019
    basically the only think thats keeping me here is the affect that it will cause on my family and friends. I want to end my pain not create more for them. I wish I could do it without hurting anyone :/
    2 people found this helpful
  29. youcantknow
    youcantknow avatar
    34 posts
    15 March 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    First of all, I'm so glad you chose to stay!

    The only reason I'm still here is because of my family and friends, i couldn't do that to them leave them behind! put them through all that pain. if i lost my brother i don't know what i would do, i would never want to put him through that pain, i love him too much.

    anyone else who is thinking of leaving this world know that life will get better, know that there is someone who loves you and wants you to stay, there is always HELP just learn to ask for it!

    1 person found this helpful
  30. David Nobody
    David Nobody avatar
    117 posts
    15 March 2019
    Doubts and Guesses

    I doubt that I would ever kill myself...
    It does feel good to think about it though
    Giving me some small amount of control
    Puts me in the driver’s seat for a change
    I don’t quite know exactly what stops me
    Probably thinking about two children
    My children. They are my only reason
    And that reason is getting very faint

    I doubt that I could ever kill myself
    So thinking it, is just a waste of time
    It shows me that I have zero control
    I’m never in the driver’s seat... ever
    I guess I do know what is stoping me
    It is the thinking about two children
    Those two girls. They are my only reason
    And I’m holding on, as tight as I can
    1 person found this helpful

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