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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. youcantknow
    youcantknow avatar
    34 posts
    16 March 2019 in reply to Byrnzzee
    I feel the same way Byrnzzee! i wish it didnt have to hurt them to!
  2. Snowstorm
    Snowstorm avatar
    1 posts
    16 March 2019
    There is nothing to keep me here
  3. Guest_672
    Guest_672 avatar
    79 posts
    28 March 2019
    My beautiful dog jesse. I live for him and he lives for me. We have a very strong bond and i know he would not cope with anyone else. Plus i dont trust anyone else to look after him.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    10020 posts
    28 March 2019 in reply to Guest_672

    Hello Everyone..

    Im so very sorry to have read the last half dozen post to find out that you are all struggling so very much in wanting to stay alive...That so much deeply saddens me and I am certain anyone else that reads your words...

    I have been where you are now..and am very grateful for a lovely women I spoke to on a mh lifeline..she stopped me from taking just one more step over the edge...

    Please try as hard as you all can to believe that each day is a brand new day for us to try to bring positives back into our lives...family, pets and friends are wonderful and beautiful reason to want to stay...but the best reason of all is you wanting to stay and in believing that things can and do change, have faith in yourself, that your capable of doing it and you are not your depression, you are stronger then your depression...(which are our thoughts)....

    From your very first post here, you have become very special, valued and cared for by everyone here...Please be very gentle on yourselves and never give up looking for some happiness...it’s their, with your pets, your family, your friends..they all unconditionally love you..

    I wrote posted this earlier on in this thread...I would like to again...if that’s okay...
    “What keep me her the.. beauty in our lives.”

    The trees they stand so strong and tall,

    Little creatures and birds you can hear their call,
    look at the trees and hear the creatures,
    Then look around and see earths features,
    Theres hills and mountains , streams and rivers,
    Peace and calm these waters deliver,
    Green grass and flowers of every colour,
    Sit on the grass then pick up a flower,
    Smell the flowers, and saviour their fragrance,
    Your heart and soul is beginning to dance,
    Then look at the sky, the clouds you'll see,
    Gently floating, changing shape, you'll see,
    At night the sky lights up with stars,
    The moon you'll find between these stars,
    Shining brightly you can see there sparkle,
    Your eyes will see something quite remarkable,
    This is our earth, and our universe,
    Where you are needed to complete this verse,
    You are a part of this place we all call earth,
    If you live in this place, feeling broken and hurt,
    Then take the time each day, and study this place,
    For there's beauty all around us in every place,
    So why not stay and look around,
    And see the beauty that you just found.
    It time now for you to start,
    To gather it up and place it in your heart.
    Keep then safe and keep them sound,
    All this beauty that you just found.

    Grandy.......

    .

    6 people found this helpful
  5. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    29 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Dear precious broken souls,

    To all of you who are hurting and feel like you have had enough, I do so hope you can get through just one more moment, that somehow, somewhere you can find a glimmer of hope, a purpose, some meaning in the darkness.

    Depression can be soul destroying, our minds can tell us that we have had enough.

    I encourage you to take a deep breathe, then a few more.

    Your mind is telling you that no one cares, that is not true. People do care how you are feeling. Even if they are strangers, like people from the ambulance service, the police or the hospital.

    Owning up to your depression and suicidal thoughts may be tough, may make you feel like you are useless.

    You are not! You are hurting. You need some help.

    Please do not give up. Find ways to ease the emotional pain.

    I know it can be a dark, horrid and sometimes terrifying place to be.

    Help is there. Hope can be found. I have managed to survive, I hope you can too.

    Wishing all the hurting souls a glimpse of hope that slowly grows.

    Kindest regards from Dools

    Dear Grandy, thank you for your lovely words and encouragement!

    5 people found this helpful
  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6279 posts
    29 March 2019 in reply to Snowstorm

    Hi Snowstorm (and anyone else),

    Welcome to beyond blue. I hope you come back and read the kind words from Dools above.

    At our lowest, we think there is no-one, that nobody cares about or for us. Our mind plays tricks on us. In the forum here you will find people who might have had similar experiences to you. And if not, everyone here supports each other, gives each other strength and encouragement. If you are looking for help, this is a good place to start. I hope here from you, perhaps more of your story and in writing here you might be able to lighten your load and find a glimmer of hope.

    Peace,

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Shivvie
    Shivvie avatar
    1 posts
    30 March 2019
    The only thing so far that is keeping me from killing myself is that I want to see the end of my favourite novel series, which will be ending in 2 years. nothing else.
  8. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6279 posts
    30 March 2019 in reply to Shivvie

    Hi Shivvie,

    Hope you get to see this.... welcome to beyond blue. Not sure if you want to tell me here (or in the Cafe) or create a new thread but I would be interested in you telling me a little about the novel series. Hope to hear from you soon.

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  9. bluegurl
    bluegurl avatar
    22 posts
    5 April 2019
    Not really sure what keeps me here, habit most probably. I have suffered from depression since 1975, now accompanied by panic disorder and PTSD. I haven't seen a reason to keep living for a long time. I will be 59 this year, and I cannot imagine why I would want to put myself through this endless crap for another 30 years if I have that much time left. I am estranged from one of my children, it has been six years now, and in that time whatever sentiment I had left in me is dead really. My other daughter lives overseas, but we chat regularly. I have five cats that I love dearly, and I am still in full time work even though that is getting harder all the time. I am constantly tired, probably burnt out. I don't really have friends any more, don't want them because people are such a massive disappointment. Life has lost all its meaning. The fact I have lasted 58 years on the earth is a bloody miracle. Testament to my never give up attitude, and meds that take the edge off. I have no suicidal plans, but I am just so, so soul weary.
  10. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3876 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to Shivvie

    Dear Shivvie..... Like Smallwolf, I'd love to know what the novel is?

    And Bluegurl...you sounded so tired, soul weary as you put it, in your post. Perhaps being estranged from one of your children has had a much bigger effect on you than you realise. Surely there is something you can do to bridge the gap....what have you tried? Sorry if I am making you feel worse here...forgive me.

    I could feel your weariness coming through the screen...you described it well. Do you do any writing? even in a private journal? Perhaps write down how you are feeling...no one else will read it....it may help.

    quite a few of the people on Forum here, I am sure won't disappoint you as so many others have in your life....they've been good friends to me.....please write again....you might find me on other threads too if you want to talk...I will be here...xo

    3 people found this helpful
  11. bluegurl
    bluegurl avatar
    22 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    I must say, what Shivvie said about the novel got a grin out of me. Bit of a black sense of humour :) Yes Shivvie, what is the novel, you have me curious too :)

    I used to do a lot of writing, but I ended up driving myself nuts with my endless waffle, same whiny crap year after year after year...

    No chance of any reconciliation with my daughter, you don't get to cut my heart out like that and then be forgiven. For too many years of my life my faith allowed me to forgive everyone way too easily, often to perpetrate further harm. Let go of my faith, and let go of my propensity to forgive too easily, or in some cases at all.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    5 April 2019 in reply to Shivvie

    Hi Shivvie

    Good on you for posting..It takes courage

    There is no judgement on the forums...just the best support we can provide

    I hope you can post back (if you want to that is!)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  13. Elmay
    Elmay avatar
    1 posts
    13 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand
    Love this x
    3 people found this helpful
  14. Tracytron
    Tracytron avatar
    9 posts
    13 April 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    Only the physical pain that would come with suicide, but even that hasn't stopped me from trying 5 times and self-harming repeatedly
  15. Billyc
    Billyc  avatar
    220 posts
    13 April 2019

    Hi,

    Many thanks to all who have contributed on this forum, helps me immensely to hear and feel the courage of others who shout out, it remind me that I too have courage.

    three facts that are reasons to live your life

    1. You are loved, you always have been, and you always will. Someone gave birth to you, which in essence is an act of Love.

    2. You are not alone, their are many feeling alone with you,

    3. Make as much noise to the world as you possibly can,

    it works for me,

    very best to all

    3 people found this helpful
  16. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    13 April 2019 in reply to Billyc

    Hi Elmay! Welcome to the forums.....and thankyou for posting such a nice post too :-)

    Hey Billyc....Welcome and thankyou for the complimentary post :-)

    Billyc mentioned some very helpful and noteworthy points in his post above. Billyc also mentioned "Many thanks to all who have contributed on this forum, helps me immensely to hear and feel the courage of others who shout out, it remind me that I too have courage"

    I hope you can both stick around the forums...when and if you wish :-)

    have a really good weekend too!

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    14 April 2019
    Hope is what is keeping me here on this earth. Hope that one day all will be well. All will be as it should be. We really do not know the future, or what is ahead. Or even know how perhaps these hard and painful times may help us grow somehow. HOPE
    1 person found this helpful
  18. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    17 April 2019 in reply to Guest_1055

    Thank you Shelley.

    I couldn't find words to explain what keeps me safe on awful days like today. Then you wrote hope and that made sense.

    I don't need to hope for anything huge or important to many...

    I just hold on to the hope that there will be moments in my future I wouldn't want to miss.

    A few weeks ago I stopped for a strange shape on the road. It was a Thorny Devil lizard. I picked it up and put it safe in the bush. Showing my kids the photos and video made me feel happy.

    I live for those moments in times like now when my heart is cold.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    19 April 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Sending special greetings to all who are hurting right now,

    Shelley and Quercus have mentioned HOPE.

    Life can be a struggle when we forget about HOPE.

    When we feel like we have no PEACE in our lives it can be hard to focus on HOPE.

    HOPE? What does that word mean to you?

    Anticipation. Belief. Confidence. Desires. Dreams. Expectations. Faith. Longing. Trust.

    May we all find hope when we need it most.

    Cheers all from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  20. LDW
    LDW avatar
    2 posts
    22 April 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Dear romantic_thi3f and others

    What is keeping me here? Quite simply, a promise. I promised one of my friends, whom knows and understands what I am going thrpugh because I tell her everything and she has depression herself, that I wouldn't commit suicide. We made a promise to each other that we wouldn't, because we couldn't stand the thought of being separated, even if we had to dig to hell itself to keep each other. We don't see each other much now, but every time I get a thought, I simply whisper "Don't break the promise." And I push through.

    Another reason is my friend who is like a sister. We have known each other since we were babies an have gone through everything together. Both of our parents went to prison, and we lived together for months and months, stuff like that. But she doesn't deserve this, and I would take all of her pain if I could. If all of her sadness added with mine drove me insane, I would fight every day to still see her. I love her so much that it is almost unhealthy, and the thought that I, if I commit, would be adding to her pain is the main repellent for me. That I would be adding weight to the boulder that could crush her is the thought that destroys any and all plans that I might have.

    But it only works for suicide, not self-harm. I am safe, and not at risk of... You know, but... Yeah.

    -LDW

    2 people found this helpful
  21. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6279 posts
    22 April 2019 in reply to LDW

    Hi LDW,

    welcome to beyond blue.

    you sound like a very caring person towards your friend. That is nice. Some (many?) times it takes a person with a lived experience to understand what the other person is going through. Not sure where else you have posted here, but hope that you both are able to practice self-care and looking after yourselves. If you want to chat about that sort of stuff, let me know (here?) and perhaps chat more and find other threads that might be useful for you.

    Hope you are having a good Easter break,

    Tim

    Peace and comforting thoughts,

    Tim

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    6 May 2019
    nothing anymore. I sought help for depression and anxiety which I guess I advice received as ok. just don't know what I can do about a form of agoraphobia and phobias a out 4 wheel drivers but hey that's life. struggling with studies and as a mature aged student I don't care if pass or fail. got a bit of ocd but when I raised this issue got no help so will keep on doing it. so will not hang around here
    Don't need support.

    rusted
  23. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    6 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusted,

    It sounds to me like you do need support! Not sure if you will actually read this or not. I did have a search for possible threads and could only find one where you had posted once.

    If you are reading this, would you like to let us know where we can find your previous messages.

    Have you tried phoning the Beyond Blue support number?

    Regarding your phobia about 4 wheeled drives, maybe people just didn't know how to respond to that, or maybe people just didn't see where you wrote about this.

    When we are struggling, we feel like no one cares and no one can help. That is when we generally need help the most.

    Regards from Dools

  24. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    6 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    thanks for reply but it's not worth worrying about. I wrote in anxiety and another post in self harm which I wasn't just needed answer to how to.stop eyebrow pulling. got answer elsewhere.

    rusty girl alias rusted
  25. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    7 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    what keeps me here?
    thought might. find others who may have similar issues I did but decided this not the place for me.
    I am nothing special just a loner nobody just wasting time.


    rusted alias rusty girl
  26. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    7 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi Rusty Girl,

    Everyone is special! It does sound like you feel very lonely. Do you feel as though you are finding it difficult to connect to people here on the forum?

    People here do care. It can take time for connections to happen. Sometimes the forum is very busy.

    Smallwolf has started up a thread for Singles who are wanting to connect with people. I am not sure of the exact title of his thread. If I have a look for it now, I will loose this one. I am not very tech savvy so don't know how to do two things at once here.

    It sounds like you are hurting right now. I know that is not a good place to be in. I have been there and I don't like it very much.

    Hope you do stick around!

    Cheers from Dools

  27. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    7 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hi again Rusty Girl,

    I found Smallwolf's thread. It is called

    "Singles Support on BB" in the Staying Well section.

    Cheers from Dools

  28. Downhill daisy
    Downhill daisy avatar
    19 posts
    7 May 2019 in reply to Guest_8790

    Hey Rusty

    Im worried about you

    please try to find that teeny weeny glimmer of hope and grab it with both hands

    you are worthy

  29. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to Downhill daisy
    I agree with you Downhill daisy. And Rusty you must have that tiny bit of hope there in your heart somewhere. Otherwise you probably would not have posted in here.
  30. Guest_8790
    Guest_8790 avatar
    141 posts
    8 May 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Thank you for the information. I am struggling with a lot of things. Study is taking its toll on me. I have an assessment on suicide tomorrow and panicking as not studied for it. I am not sleeping well ( I do know about good sleep hygiene) and diet is poor. My concern is I will fail the course even though I have been given a placement and have to contact the agency for an interview. I have a few days left to do that. I need to get myself sorted out first.

    I woke up late, shaky and with a headache. Tried support from ex husband but all he said when i felt low to think positive, haha. funny when don't feel like it.. Oh well I guess I will pick myself up. Got my medications to take and will fake it tomorrow. Will not let teachers know how I feel. One already concerned I am not ready.

    I will take it to prove them wrong. I guess this is just another bump in my road to recovery.

    rusty girl (alias rusted)

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