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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

Topic: Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

  1. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6810 posts
    15 July 2019 in reply to Pineapple99
    Hi Pineapple99. We're sorry that we referred to your partner as your ex-partner, and apologise for causing you distress. We are concerned to read that you don't feel you will make it to the end of the year, and again encourage you to reach out to the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. 
  2. DannyG
    DannyG avatar
    76 posts
    15 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi dools

    not sure if this is the right place to post but I love what you said here about ‘our minds can run to the negative. We need to find ways to stop the chatter and change it’

    this is $exactly$ how I feel. Inside my head is constant stream of negativity telling me to give up. Today I even thought if my reason for staying here was gone that would be good because I could give up now. Which is a terrible thing to think because I love my reason. So I know that thought is not rational it’s my negativity talking.

    my Dr says to me that he is confident my circumstances will change and when they do I’ll feel differently.

    but I’m starting to think it’s not the circumstances it’s me - that no matter if external things change I will still feel like giving up.

    does anyone else feel this? How did u cope?

  3. Can't
    Can't  avatar
    3 posts
    16 July 2019

    Can't live with the pain.

    expect nothing, trust no-one

    I can't live without him. When he leaves death is the only choice.

    i have NO reason to stay. My marriage is my reason to live. When I don't have that I will have nothing

  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to Azathoth

    Hi Azathoth,

    My recent life experience has been similar to yours. I don't know how many times in a day I think that death is the answer. I just want the emotional pain to stop.

    It is hard to find the "off" switch to the negativity, the thoughts that haunt us and make us feel like ending it is the only solution.

    Our minds are powerful! They can torture us with so many negatives. Yesterday I had to stop the car and go for a walk and tried really hard to be in the moment and be mindful of what was around me.

    I understand it can feel like a battle you just want to end. It takes work! It takes a lot of effort. It can be exhausting.

    Is there just one thing you can do today to make a positive change in your life?

    People do care. Call the support lines if you are able to. People will listen. It may be for a short time, but hopefully they can offer you a glimmer of hope.

    It is tough! It takes hard work and courage to stay and try to change our lives around.

    Hope you have the strength within to see change is possible.

    Kind regards to you from Dools

  5. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to DannyG

    Hi DannyG,

    I can certainly relate to all you have written. I go between trying to fight my depression and work on changing things to trying to accept it and move on.

    Some days do feel overwhelming and out of my control as I just can't find that "off switch" for the negativity.

    I know there are a lot of things I can do to help myself! You probably know of ideas and strategies that will help you as well. The problem is, when we are depressed and have suicidal thoughts, it is darn hard to put those things into action!

    Hopefully you can listen to your Dr. Hopefully day by day you can make small changes to your ways of thinking and living and realise that life is okay after all. It can be tough to fight through the muck our minds sling at us.

    A psychologist told me that once we start putting more positives and hope in our minds we counter act the negatives.

    Some days I find funny clips to watch on the computer and allow myself to laugh.

    I have a journal I use to write down the good things that do happen. I use my mobile phone to capture little moments as well, images that might help to lighten my day.

    We can change our thoughts, emotions and feelings. We just have to learn how to do it!

    Hoping you have moments in your day where you can accept the negatives and move on from them!

    Cheers to you from Dools.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to Can't

    Hi Can't,

    Welcome to the forum and the community here.

    It sounds like you have a very heavy heart at the moment and you are burdened with the thought of loosing your husband.

    Do you have anyone there you can talk with about how you are feeling?

    Would you consider using the phone help lines. You could try the Beyond Blue support team on 1300 22 4636. People will listen to you and offer some advice.

    I don't know your circumstances, but it sounds like you are in a tough place right now. It can feel like there are no answers when we feel such deep emotional pain. There is room for hope, we just have to find it!

    Hopefully it helps you also to share more of your story here if you choose to.

    Encouraging you to try and look at different aspects of your life and find just one thing to day that might make a positive difference.

    All the best from Dools

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6810 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof
    Hi Everyone,

    We appreciate you reaching out here on the forums. We are stepping in to remind everyone that this thread is a space to discuss what keeps you going in spite of the darkness. We’d encourage anyone participating in this thread to think about the little things in life that keep you moving forward, whether it’s a pet, favourite tv show, or favourite place to go for a walk. We acknowledge how much strength it takes to reach out for support during such dark times but if anyone feels like they are struggling and are unable to share with others what keeps them going, we’d ask members to start their own support thread to talk through their thoughts and feelings. This helps our community understand how we can best support you and assist members in following your journey. We appreciate everyone’s understanding and value your contribution to the forums.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    16 July 2019 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M,

    Thanks for the reminder for the original reason for this thread.

    Okay, so what keeps me going:

    - Realising that even at their darkest, they are thoughts and I can learn to accept them and move on

    - My family love me and care for me

    - My volunteer roles help other people

    - I still have the ability to smile most days, and people do smile back!

    - I can look for ways to ease the emotional pain, I don't have to suffer so much.

    - There are funny and cute animal clips to watch on the computer

    - Tomorrow has the opportunity to be better than today!

    Cheers all from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  9. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    17 July 2019 in reply to Can't

    Dear Can't

    I am so sorry to learn you are in such pain. It is very a hard place to be. Now you have made a plan I am even more concerned about you. I would like to believe you will arrange to go to hospital either by calling 000 for an ambulance or asking someone to take you. It is important that you get some immediate help.

    I realise you have spoken to various people with no relief. It does feel like that at times. I too have been in that space where it feels as though no one understands how you feel. Some may not but your counsellor and doctor will know. I can promise you it will get better even though you cannot see the way just yet. Holding on to that thought is vital.

    I wish I could be next to you and hold your hand. I can see how much you hurt. I want to tell you my story but I think it may not help. You are so lost in pain.

    Have you contacted the Suicide Call Back Service? The number is 1300 659 467 and is available 24/7. These are people who can help you. Please try. They also have a web page https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ and offer online counselling. Please look at the page as it tells you how to get counselling with them.

    Please stay strong. I will check in with you later.

    Mary

  10. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    17 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    Hi Everyone,

    I have noticed the moderators have removed some of the posts from here to help keep this thread on topic.

    As Sophie_M has mentioned, it would be beneficial for people to start their own threads so more people can be supportive and try to offer ideas on what will help, to offer acknowledgement of your struggles and to show that people care.

    At the moment I am doing some reading about self-compassion and that is helping me.

    I'm trying to learn how to change the way my mind thinks, to accept the negative and change the way I am thinking. It is going to take time, effort and practice.

    To those of you who have reached out here and need support, please consider starting your own threads.

    Kind regards to all the hurting souls. From Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    21 July 2019 in reply to Doolhof

    What keeps me here some days is reminding myself to question my own thoughts and not trust my feelings at times.

    On bad days everything is my fault. I remind myself the whole world does not revolve around me and not everything is my fault.

    On bad days everyone is judging and critical of me. I remind myself that this isn't accurate. Overthinking and catastophising.

    And on truly bad days I remind myself I don't have to care what anyone thinks of me. All I have to do is keep on trying.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    21 July 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    Sometimes I need to remember to question myself and not just accept the "stories" my mind is telling me!

    It can be so easy to be swept away with the first thoughts that come to mind!

    Cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    671 posts
    24 July 2019
    Hi all,

    So another dark night, what kept me here through it:
    Ironically the thoughts of a new day.
    I knew and know i couldn't face it, even dreading it. Yet along with that prospect came the concept that it might be better.
    We all know nothing gets fixed quickly, but there has to be a chance right
    I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but this was what ran through my head as I was sitting there about to act. So I hope it might help someone.

    Saree
    4 people found this helpful
  14. BeeMCee
    BeeMCee avatar
    1 posts
    25 July 2019
    What's keeping me here? Nothing more than guilt and perceived obligation at this point.....I'm completely out of answers. Almost everyday is a battle to simply remain alive. I want to go back to source...whatever that may be.
  15. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3874 posts
    25 July 2019 in reply to BeeMCee

    My adult children and grand children. I won't leave that legacy for my kids and the stigma that my grand kids may face in the future that one of their grandparents took her life. It would cause immense life long grief and suffering for my own kids and that is keeping me here.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    25 July 2019 in reply to BeeMCee

    Hi BeeMcee,

    Welcome to the community here.

    I'm wondering if you might consider starting up your own thread where you can express yourself further.

    It sounds like you are doing it really tough at present.

    Do you have anyone there you can talk with?

    Would you consider calling Life Line or Beyond Blue to chat with someone?

    ope you are able to hold on to some hope life can change for you, one moment at a time.

    Regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8853 posts
    25 July 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon,

    Sounds like you are having a tough time at present.

    I was told once that if you have something that makes you want to stay here, then keep remembering that reason and then think of another reason.

    Being here for your children and grand children sounds important.

    Hope you are able to find other reasons as well.

    Regards from Dools

  18. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    671 posts
    1 August 2019

    Hi All,

    I just wanted to pop in and express a thought:

    no matter how bleak or dark the world may seem, there is always help out there somewhere. We may refute it, outright ignore it, but if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and embrace it, there is a reason to keep on going - you have as much right as everyone to get help, and you ARE worth it.

    I say this just coming out of an involuntary hospital admission, because I could not see this at all, nor did I feel worthy of help. Whilst nothing is fixed or changed and I still struggle to cling to hope, there is hope. People will understand if you learn to express, rather than hide. And sometimes maybe it isn't about what keeps us here and ticking along, but what can we do to change the current for a better tomorrow? Baby steps at a time.

    Like I said, I am sorry if this upsets anyone who is hurting (I do truely understand), as my own words here are hard for myself to swallow. But it is what is allowing me to get help. I can now see that part of the reason I have been so difficult to help is because of my need to self protect. Try to allow those walls to come down, see what can grow out of the darkness with support and help.

    Thoughts are with you all

    Stay safe,

    Saree xx

    1 person found this helpful
  19. clo_bo
    clo_bo avatar
    2 posts
    3 August 2019

    What is keeping me here?

    My best friends. thinking whether or not I end my clean streak. Most days I don't, others I give in, but it's hard staying happy, even when you know others around you can tell when you're unhappy, but they don't ask. They're the only ones I can talk to, even if it's a tiny portion compared to what's in my head

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Mickii
    Mickii avatar
    46 posts
    5 August 2019
    Sometimes I think the reason for hanging around is when feeling bad there is no energy to do anything about it. It is like, I want it to end but I am too exhausted to do anything. Then when I start to feel better I think, wow I got through that and things will be ok now....well at least until the next period of sadness.
  21. amber amber
    amber amber avatar
    1 posts
    7 August 2019

    hi everyone,
    I don't exactly know what's keeping me here. I guess that I don't want to leave because I know how many people care about me but sometimes I do feel like committing and have tried on several occasions but something's keeping me here and I don't really know what it is

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Paper Nautilus
    Paper Nautilus avatar
    2 posts
    25 August 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    This morning I was feeling suicidal and feeling a lot of despair, to the point where I actually spent a big portion of my day living as if it were my last. I had a vanilla buttercream cupcake with a cup of tea and got an expensive massage. Treating myself made me feel a lot less ready to die. Although I can't do this every day because of the cost involved, I think today it was worth it. I then drove to visit my grandmother, but she was asleep and didn't answer the door.

    I made a suicide prevention plan on this site, and for reasons to live I put: My mum and my boyfriend love me, my nieces look up to me, I might have a baby in a couple of years.

    I also noticed the weather today and it's almost Spring. That's a reason to hold on. Plus I'm going on holiday next month, right after my birthday.

    3 people found this helpful
  23. Mollie_59
    Mollie_59 avatar
    11 posts
    28 August 2019 in reply to Mickii
    Hi Mickii, I really to relate to what you've written. The exhaustion is something else. I hope you're getting by ok at the moment :)
  24. Mollie_59
    Mollie_59 avatar
    11 posts
    28 August 2019
    Hi all,
    On my survival plan I have friends, family, getting back to nature, and movies as things to live for. Sometimes it's so dark, I have no energy to care about these things. I just feel empty.
    Right now we have a family holiday booked for October, so I'm trying hard to make myself look forward to that. Sometimes a change of scenary can be so helpful.
    1 person found this helpful
  25. I don't even know
    I don't even know avatar
    176 posts
    6 September 2019

    Hi everyone,

    Hope you're all okay.

    Okay so to be honest I have 0 reasons to live, and unfortunately my mind is in a position where that probably isn't going to change very easily anytime soon, despite practically daily therapy.

    Instead, I've recently started compiling a diary kind of thing with a few different sections like therapy debrief, weekly goals etc. One of the parts is everyday (or as often as possible) listing little things I'm grateful for that got me through the day and made it a little more bearable. Some things seem a lot bigger than others, like teachers compared to warm jumpers. Even though personally I can't interpret them as reasons to live, they are reasons my life is okay, livable. I'm not the type of person to journal or write "dear diary" kind of things but this has kind of helped a lot more than I though it would. At the moment I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

    Hope this helps, idek.

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Constance
    Constance avatar
    1 posts
    9 September 2019
    Caring for my animals.
    Even when feeling like I'm the worst most evil person in the world, and guilt feels like I've swallowed battery acid, i think i can't not care for them well, they are little rescued cat children all reliant on me.

    Maybe underneath the despair i want to try harder for me too. I'm not young being over 60 but might live quite a lot longer naturally and still have time to improve myself and help people and animals.
    2 people found this helpful
  27. eight
    eight avatar
    374 posts
    27 September 2019
    I'm reminded how little of a reason i have to be here. my life just continuously loses more and more purpose as time goes on and the only thing i ever do now is slave away at school where i just continuously get worse and worse. i was inexplicably broken somewhere and i just fail and disappoint everyone then daydream about how appealing being dead is

     
  28. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6810 posts
    27 September 2019 in reply to eight
    Hi eight,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling overhelmed at the moment, but it is a great step that you have reached out to our community for support. I also just wanted to let you I've sent you a private email.
  29. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11057 posts
    27 September 2019 in reply to eight

    Dear Eight~

    Nice choice of avatar, it helped me know where your at - I think you called it afab.

    ATM things are not good, but to throw your own word back -because they are right and gentle " i think you should know that you’re allowed to take up space"

    If school is going downhill right now it does not mean you are not a worthy person. you have values, it shows in your posts and your criticism of yourself, and you have a mind that sees (look at your comments on relationships) . People should not see school as a disappointment, they should simply have faith and patience in you.

    With the way you observe the world and draw conclusions I'm sure you are going to find your niche.

    You also do not have to know if you want a partner or what that will look like, give it time, you have not seen all the world.

    My worry is that at the moment your unhappiness is coloring everything. You are NOT broken, you are developing.

    I'm going to be conventional and suggest web-chatting the Kids Help Line

    https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

    Not becuse they have all the answers, but are sensible and may be a stating point to make you more content. You may have to be patient with them.

    I would realy like it if you came back and talked some more

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  30. JKingLiz001
    JKingLiz001 avatar
    9 posts
    28 September 2019 in reply to romantic_thi3f
    Hi everyone. So, I am not exactly sure how to go about all this because it's my first time on one of these. Judging from the posts on this that I have been reading on here I may be one of the youngest people on here at the age of 16. I guess to talk about my reasons to live I have to give some background/context. Well I guess everything started back in 2015. I was not exactly accepted by a lot of people and I hated that. I had succumb to new emotions and feelings I didn't truly understand. When I told my closest friend, he told my school and they immediately told my parents. They came from a culture and time in which people didn't freely speak about or understand things like depression and were into the stereotypical ideas of a male. One that doesn't reveal his sadness. They didn't understand so I played it off with a lie "My mate doesn't know what he is talking about, I never said that". I spent the next 4 months in complete social isolation with people outside my family. I struggled to be with people for a little while afterwards. Then in 2016, I fell in love with this girl. She was lovely, caring etc. She passed away in July of that year an it killed me inside. I did some things I really regret. I lost almost everyone I cared about that year because they all left me. I had then again socially isolated myself for a couple of months. Later I found it hard to connect with people. I guess I was just afraid of what would happen. I guess I was paranoid. It wasn't until this year around February that I truly let people into my lives and not many people realised that. Apparently I was in my "own little hole that I wouldn't crawl out of". I couldn't handle the stresses of school and my mind basically shut down. A depression that I feel never left me rose again to the surface stronger than ever. I later began to cut For a while I even became dependant on it to get through a school day. About 13 days ago I attempted to take my own life. I was unsuccessful as I realised that i didn't want others to go through the same pain I went through, the same pain i go through now. All my friends worried about me, tried to get help for me behind my back. I didn't want to see them in pain. So i lied to some of them, especially the girl I like. Hid My pain from them. I just didn't want them to worry or have my situation on their mind. Now some of them are mad, some have left me and others are done being around because of how hurt or annoyed they have gotten. I really do regret most of my teenage life. But through the help of friends and psychologist I have realised that I want to live to help others, for my friends, family, dog and to help animals across the globe. To make a change. Sorry for ranting y'all. I hope you all have a lovely day. I want everyone to know that there will always be someone out there to help them no matter what. That live may be hard at times but it can be better with the right support.
    1 person found this helpful

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