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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / The constant struggle.

Topic: The constant struggle.

  1. Sophie_M
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    6838 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    Hey Centaured, 

    Thank you for letting us know what's been going on for you lately, and sharing your perspectives on hanging in there, and keeping in mind the perspective that it can get better. It sounds like you're making some powerful steps, working with your support coordinator, and getting the NDIS review, and acting to keep safe at incredibly difficult times.

    We're really glad that you've been able to share what's going on here, and we hope the kind words and understanding of your friends here are a comfort.

    If at any point you'd like some more immediate support, please know that you can call our lovely counsellors at any time, as always.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Sophie_M
    Urrrr I feel like the NDIS review was a failure. I can't do this rn. I'm tired and overwhelmed and can't breathe. I'm safe but don't know what to do.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Try something different.

    Anything.

    Find what works for you.

    You need to look after YOU.

  4. blondguy
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    19 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hey Centaured and a wave to Chris_Tas...Sophie_M

    hoping your day has been reasonably good to you

    how are you feeling?

    Paul

  5. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to blondguy

    Hi blondguy, Chris Tas.

    After NDIS meeting I came home, had dinner then a really long sleep. It helped.

    Yesterday I didnt get up to much and just took it slow and easy.

    Seeing my psychiatrist today. And I'm staying at a friends this weekend after voting.

    I feel ok at the moment, even though it's currently 1:15 am and I'm not asleep.

  6. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    My roommate was throwing furniture around the house...I got so triggered, scared and agitated. I spoke to my mental health team coz it's made me want to hurt myself. Had a shower and chilled to music. Still kinda want to do it though. Sigh. I hate my stupid life.
  7. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Life is not stupid mate.

    Difficult - yes.

    You unlike many are honest and I respect that.

    We will get through it together.

  8. therising
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    23 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    I honestly don't know if I could manage all the incredibly challenging circumstances you face. The fact that you're able to cope to various degrees speaks volumes as to how undeniably strong you are. The challenges you face would test anyone. Periods of not being able to find the right coping mechanisms would be completely understandable. I think watching tv the entire day, just to help stop the internal dialogue, until tomorrow offered a way to cope (maybe seeing the psychologist) is in itself a form of coping. Internal dialogue can be brutal and exhausting if it's been running all day.

    I'm glad you've been able to discover certain coping strategies, like the shower, music, staying at a friend's place, mental health team etc. Sometimes, I think it's matter of finding what works (to some degree) as we go along. Kind of like winging it, even if it's just to take the edge off to make it through the day, turning down the volume on emotion. People who can offer us more than something to basically cope with are a must and sometimes in short supply. They're the kinds of people who fuel hope and faith.

    I imagine you may not see yourself as inspirational but you truly are an inspiration to me. I find you to be an incredibly strong person based on the circumstances you face. Centaured, you truly do stun me. You amaze me. I hope life offers you moments where you're able to reflect on how truly incredible you are and have been all this time.

    3 people found this helpful
  9. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to therising
    Thank you Chris and therising, You are an inspiration to me too.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    23 May 2022 in reply to therising
    It's starting to feel like I can't be helped
    At least that's what, I convince myself
    Reminders of a past I can't erase
    That make me sick, that I can't face
    One by one, your words have torn me up
    I hear them ringing inside my head
    Cut me down, I just need silence now
    Too many regrets sleep in my bed
    Reminders of a past I can't erase
    Too many memories that make me sick
    Things I can't change
    I can't fix, I can't face
    -inside my head by until I wake.
  11. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    24 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    My bedroom got semi-flooded after the storms last night. Had to pull out all my belongings and won't be able to sleep in it for a while whilst it dries. Staff haven't been much help, and they're not telling me what's going on/going to happen with the unit.

     

    I hate how little things push me to the edge. But I don't care rn. I don't care about anything.

  12. therising
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    24 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    That's upsetting and frustrating, the unit flooding. 'One thing after the other' scenarios can definitely be mind altering. I've found one thing after another can trigger some seriously challenging internal dialogue at times.

    As I mentioned to someone the other day, give me 10 small challenges (as an example) and I can manage. Give me an 11th thing and it tips the scales in mind altering ways. With 10, the internal dialogue might go 'I don't know if I can manage all this but I'll do my best. If I have to drop 1 or 2 as a way of managing, that's what I'll do'. With that extra thing, it can suddenly sound like 'I can't cope. What's wrong with me? I'm hopeless. I just can't do this anymore, I can't cope with it all'. Trying to cope with all 11 things can trigger my mindset into a down shift, along with triggering my nervous system, different breathing patterns and so on. After a couple of bouts of intense anxiety in the last year or so, I've had to come to understand what I can and can't cope with in the way of volume (how much) as well as the frequency (how often). I believe when the volume and frequency are turned up, we find our tolerance levels. Can be far from easy when we find those levels. On top of it all, you can be dealing with all those things while having entered into a state of mental and physical exhaustion without realising.

    Got to a point in the last year where I wondered 'Why do I feel so sorry for myself when this kind of thing happens?' What came to mind, while meditating on this, was 'You are feeling sorrow for your self, that sense of self that needs things to be easier'. Perhaps it's the kid in me, who knows. Kind of feels like I'm grieving for that sense of self who's so incredibly sad, lonely and overwhelmed. When this revelation hit, another aspect of my self came to life. It's the aspect that is intolerant and a bit of a dictator. Things become about demanding/commanding more co-operation and respect from others, more than what they're offering. A lot the time, if people can get away with offering the basics, that's exactly what they'll do because it's easier for them. I believe 'the dictator' in us exists partly to raise the consciousness of others. In your case, she might dictate to others 'You need to tell me what's going on with the unit. What's the plan? I need to know. Don't leave me twisting in the wind. How would you feel if this happened to you and no one was telling you of the way ahead?'.

  13. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    25 May 2022 in reply to therising

    I always treasure your insights therising. You are a kind, thoughtful and intelligent person.

    I feel like I can't even cope with a few things atm. Like just a couple will push me over into self harm and suicide. I did and said some stupid things last night due to what's happening. Reflecting over it, I am hurt by it. The people inside me want a break, to be heard, and just want a break.

    I also found out yesterday the friend I was going to house sit doesn't want me there anymore. I feel let down by the world rn. And I can't even get out of it.

    I realised yesterday as much as I want to die rn, I'm only having half assed attempts/reaching out before hand because a part of me still has hope, a part of me doesn't want to die but just wants a break and wants things to be different. I'm also scared and hurt and just want someone to love me and see I'm hurting.

  14. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    25 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    Hey Centaured, 

    We hope you don't mind us popping in, we just wanted to let you know that we're here. We really appreciate your openness, and we can hear you just want a break, and to feel understood and recognised, for things to change.

    That hopeful part of you is really inspiring, Centaured, so please let us know what we can do to help you to nurture it. Safety planning is one way we really recommend to help you get through these really difficult moments, so if you have the Beyond Now app, we'd recommend updating it, or checking in with it today. If not, you can find more info and set one up right here: www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

    Our team has reached out to you privately to offer some support, we hope you don't mind. We're here to talk it through and hear you. If you want to reach us directly on the number or webchat above, even better. Please always remember that if you are unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self harm at any time, you should call 000.  

    Thanks so much for sharing this update, Centaured. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
  15. therising
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    25 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    I imagine your inner dialogue to be incredibly exhausting, with it coming from so many places. I think it can be easier to make sense of everything when we're not so exhausted, much harder when trying to make sense of things while in a state of overwhelming challenge and exhaustion.

    While what you experience with the different aspect of yourself is far more intense and challenging, I can relate in some ways to how inner dialogue can take me to the verge of wanting to scream while in a state of utter confusion and despair. Sometimes I think 'What part of me am I meant to be listening to? Which part of me holds the solution? What aspect of me appears irrational but, at the same time, manages to clearly state how I feel? How much of any part of me do I need to suppress or freely express? Which part of me leads me to regret?' and such wonder continues beyond these things.

    Not sure if I've mentioned this but it's something I spoke of the other day with someone. I imagine people are like old style wagon wheels in some way. At the centre, you have the hub or you could call it 'the core sense of self'. Coming out from the hub are spokes or aspects of self. Each represents a different part of the whole. While one may reflect the child in us, who longs for simplicity and joy, another spoke may be the ranting maniac in us who is triggered to life when people's behaviour becomes intolerable. Another spoke may represent the sage who keeps us calm through wisdom and another could be the victim who is so familiar with all the feelings of despair. Each one comes to life for the first time at different points of our journey, for different reasons.

    'Who or what is the core sense of self?' is perhaps the ultimate question. When I return to myself (my core sense of self) what self is that?. I like to think of it as my reasonable sense of self, the part of me that identifies with the reasons for my thoughts and behaviour. If the ranting maniacal screaming cow in me manages to come to life, was it reasonable that she did, under the circumstances? If people have refused to listen to my sufferance in a way that serves them, I'd say it is reasonable that this sense of self get the attention I deserve or need. I can count on one hand the amount of times this sense of self has come to life in the last 51 years. While it is rare, I can say it is fair, otherwise no one would have listened.

    Another question I ask myself 'What triggers each spoke to appear dominant?'.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Centaured
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    360 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to therising

    I really don't know what is going on with the different people within me or why each ones comes to the front.

    I spoke with my mental health team yesterday as my case manager was away, they spoke to my psychiatrist who said I needed to come in to hospital for a few days.

    Im under so much instead of my depression surfacing I swear I'm going semi-manic. My thoughts are racing so much. I can't focus on anything. I have so much energy inside. I feel like I have so many emotions bubbling under the surface that I can't deal with it and going to explode.

    at least in hospital I'm safe to try to get a hold of my emotions and thoughts and try to regulate again.

    Sigh I'm tired of the battle rn. But as soldiers we keep on soldiering on, keep fighting til the battle is won.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. therising
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    26 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    If you feel like hospital is the best place to manage how you're feeling, sounds like the way to go. If you find it to be a constructive resource, use that resource.

    Emotion is definitely an interesting topic. When I came across a definition of 'emotion' as being 'energy in motion' (e-motion), I can recall thinking 'That makes so much sense'. Can definitely feel a stack of emotion/e-motion when it hits. Can be breathtaking and not always in a good way. The ability to feel our thoughts and internal dialogues and the hell they put our body through can be challenging, to say the least. Weird to think our thoughts and internal dialogues can hold a massive amount of energy, depending on what they are or sound like. Imagination's the same. What we see in our mind can 'charge us up' in either good ways or not so good ways.

    They say each memory holds a very specific kind of energy. This is one of the reasons why mental health professionals try to help a client change their perception. For example, while there is an incredibly challenging kind of energy attached to feeling from the perspective of a victim, the energy experienced through the perspective of a survivor has a different feel to it. This explains why survivors are committed to helping other survivors find their power. They've experienced the different feelings for themself.

    While I'm happily a woo woo gal, into the spiritual perspective of energy, I also love how quantum physics explains things. Every cell in our body vibrates with energy, which keeps us alive. Frequency and volume have a dial. Ramp up the frequency (the speed) and volume (how much) and we'll begin visually shaking with every cell in our body in a state of hyperactivity. If it all becomes too much, our body will simply pass out. Kind of like 'factory reset' mode. The human body is incredibly intelligent.

    Managing what our mind does to our body and what our body does to our mind can be one heck of a challenge at times. Managing the state other people can put us in can be just as challenging. Another benefit to the hospital stay could involve getting away from your room mate for a while. Sounds like he's not good for your mind and your body. Managing to calm things down is the #1 goal.

    Sounds like you're in an extreme state of hyperactivity. People simply saying 'Calm down' can be a trigger, to frustration and fury. Accessing resources with which to calm down is a help, while reflecting your ability to manage.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    28 May 2022 in reply to therising
    So I got home from hospital yesterday and have been moved to a temporary property while they attempt to fix the storm damage. It's weird here I don't really like it. I just hope my NDIS funding comes through soon.
    1 person found this helpful
  19. Sophie_M
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    28 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    Hey Centaured!

    Whilst we are very glad you are out of hospital and that you have somewhere much more warm, dry and safe to stay for now, we can see how frustrating it is for now. Can we ask how soon it is the NDIS will get back to you? Do they think the repairs are possible?

    Regardless, I do hope you will reach out if you need us. The phoneline and chat is always available, and of course, we hope you will continue to reach out here in the forums.

    Please stay warm and comfortable for tonight. 

    Regards,

    Sophie M.
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Chris_Tas
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    267 posts
    28 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Where would you like mate?

    Only reason I ask is before I lost my daughter I was looking at 50 acres here in Tassie and complete wilderness.

    My dogs could run (within reason), had it's own dam and so cool.

    I'm not an apartment type at all, in fact I wouldn't cope in that environment.

  21. Centaured
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    360 posts
    28 May 2022 in reply to Chris_Tas

    That place sounds wonderful Chris. As someone who lives in Tassie it would be so beautiful.

    I have a place already lined up to move to once the funding comes through, which could be another 3 months. It's a little unit set up in the outer suburbs. And instead of being in a complex like the ones I live in it's a stand alone building and not surrounded by others in the same company. It will also be set up for 24hr care which will be interesting as I've not had that before but it could really help me. There's no way to speed up the NDIS process which sucks.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. therising
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    28 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    Do you know why you don't like the temporary accommodation? Strange question perhaps but sometimes the reasons aren't always obvious for why we don't like something. Things can just simply have a feel to them that we don't like.

    It's interesting how some people are super sensitive to the feel of a place. For example, when house hunting they won't consider a certain property based on it having an 'off' feeling to it. I recall hearing a story where someone was being shown through a house and the second they stepped through the front door, they felt and overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and incredible anger. They just couldn't explain it. It came over them like a wave. They found out later the place was being sold by a divorced couple who were said to have been thoroughly exhausted by a lot of fighting and fury (within the house) in the lead up to the divorce and sale of the property.

    Some people simply don't like the feel of an apartment/flat based on it either having a claustrophobic feel to it or a 'lack of nature' feel. Some will bring plants into the apartment, to change the vibe. There can be so many reasons for why we feel things the way we do.

    Wishing the NDIS process will speed up for you. You've worked so hard to get to this point, while tolerating so much. You deserve a massive dose of inspiration.

  23. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    29 May 2022 in reply to therising

    Therising I just don't really like how the apartment is set up, it's two-storey for one, which is really bad for my disability. It just doesn't feel like home yet too. As I don't know how long I'll be here i don't know if I'll settle in or if I want to.

    But I had a good chat with my new room-mate last night. He's pretty interesting, been through hell and back, even fought in Iraq. I think we'll get on much better than my roommate.

    As you earlier I get a chance to have a break from my old roommate and I get to experience other staff members and see if I get better support here. There's always positives to find amongst my situation.

  24. therising
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    29 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    I think a place will either feel like home base or it won't, for a variety of reasons. Even if it's temporary, I suppose a lot it can come down to 'Does my accommodation accommodate me mentally, physically and soulfully?'. If not, it just won't feel right, even if we've tried to make constructive changes to it. I think a real home base hits the trifecta in a significant way.

    Your new room mate may prove to be thoroughly inspirational. I hope so. I imagine you'll both be able to feel and express great compassion and understanding between each other. Sometimes I feel we're destined to meet certain people, the kinds of people who can prove to be our greatest teachers in life. They can teach us amazing things about our self in the process. Kind of wake us up to who we really are, as opposed to who we've always believed our self to be. People can point out to us how strong we truly are, when we'd often considered our self the be weak. They can point out how tolerant we are, when we'd always believed our self to be easily triggered. The list goes on. They change our mindset and direction in a number of ways.

    Don't underestimate your ability too. Imagine you have the ability to lead him to see things differently also. Perhaps you are the room mate he needed to meet. You just never know. I've found life has a quirky way about it. That flooding may have come as a kind of blessing in disguise. Hope the new staff and room mate prove this to be the case.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    29 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    On another topic, I think I'm done trying to get better. I'm done striving for something that will never happen. I won't ever get to point where things get manageable so why bothering to try to get there. Why bother with strategies. Why bother reaching out anymore.
    1 person found this helpful
  26. therising
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    29 May 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    I wish you could have someone around you who could lead you to think 'So this is how life is meant to be (different from what it is). This is how people are meant to be really helping me'. I think we can be surrounded by people who are either depressing or basically doing a good job. Btw, a basically good job can be enough to keep us afloat but it's so basic that we just can't feel the difference. It can become exhausting while our sense of drowning is being prolonged.

    I know I'm simply playing with words here but what if you didn't aim for 'better' but instead aimed for 'different'. If you were to study the differences, how would you feel? Maybe you could say, for example, 'My new room mate doesn't necessarily lead me to feel better but he does lead me to feel different from how I normally feel'. Different might appear as him leading your internal dialogue not to sound so loud or for it to come so often. Maybe he has the ability to switch it off at times. How does he manage making this difference? How does he manage to switch it off so easily? Not saying this is the case, just an example.

    There can be a lot of differences - A depressing difference, an inspiring difference (slight or great), a stressful difference, a questionable difference and so on. If you were able to study the differences in how you feel, do you think this would help in any way when it comes to feeling who and what you're dealing with? Can 'I can feel what you're doing to me (in the way of emotion)' help put you in the driver's seat, where you're able to dictate direction to some degree?

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    30 May 2022 in reply to Centaured
    I'm taking a bit of a break. Dont know how long for. I got some stuff I need to sort out offline.
    1 person found this helpful
  28. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    8 June 2022 in reply to Centaured

    I'm back I guess.

    I can't ever seem to get my shit together though. My life is constantly been thrown into a state of upheaval and my life seems so uncertain. I don't want to be alive most of the time but I'm scared of dying again.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    8 June 2022 in reply to Centaured

    As a great poster not a "poor me moaner" I'm very glad you're back and (relatively) safe).

    Day at a time mate, you require assistance (which I do, no judgement here) but you WILL be fine.

    Talk anytime. Please.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. therising
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    8 June 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    Is there a part of you or parts of you that want to be alive? Are there parts of you that kind of happily come to life at times, perhaps triggered by certain friends or certain circumstances? Might only happen on rare occasions, under very specific circumstances.

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