That’s ok Squid1,
Your not doing this to yourself it’s something that usually happens with anxiety and depression…… our thoughts just happen….. they pop up … it’s something the mind is doing….. it’s not your fault…
I really strongly encourage you to seek professional help I understand the fear….. but I believe professionals can help you ….
You can start at your gp and discuss how you are feeling and you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist ….
My mental health journey was a journey but I learned so much while on this journey through the professionals I saw.
I also did a 8 week group therapy this was a intervention into the OCD it was metacognitive therapy it changed my life!
Maybe by seeking professional help you can also find a therapy that suits you… we can learn so much in therapy…. Like how to challenge our thoughts, meditation, mindfulness ect… it’s well worth it… it’s life skills you can use through out your life.. we need to be taught these skills..
I encourage you to take the first step towards recovery by seeking professional help….. you really aren’t alone… many people go through this and you CAN recover…
Chat to me anytime