Im just recently 14. I have been having many struggles recently including body dysmorphia, anxiety and more. i guess i have just been feeling empty lately and i cry pretty much every second of the day.
i have this group of friends that i absolutely adore with my whole heart. They always used to go on about how they love me because im so bubbly, happy and optimistic. the thing is recently i have been the complete opposite of that. i walk around school and i feel like i am mentally not there. I am miserable and whenever i am around my friends i have noticed that i bring them down with me. Not on purpose but im just so sad that it makes them sad. so they all just kind of go off at lunch and go to other people. i dont even blame them.
i know they are worried about me but everytime they ask, i insist im ok. i wanna go back to how i used to be, to the person my friends love so that we can become closer again so i pretend. but its exhausting and it never works. so every day we drift further apart because i cant even pretend to be happy. its all my fault. And every time i notice a hint of us drifting apart i run to the school bathrooms and bawl my eyes out because i genuinley dont know what to do.
i need help so badly but i dont know how. I dont even want to be alive because im mentally not even alive, only physically. I feel like i cant breathe and it hurts so badly. it feels so good to feel sad. to not eat and to cry. but thats causing me to lose my friends. i know that sounds horrible. it hardly sounds like a problem but they are genuinley the only people keeping me alive at this point.
i know that didnt really make sense but i just wanna be happy so i dont lose my best friends.