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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Trying to get better buts its an act

Topic: Trying to get better buts its an act

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. emharis
    emharis avatar
    1 posts
    4 May 2022

    Im just recently 14. I have been having many struggles recently including body dysmorphia, anxiety and more. i guess i have just been feeling empty lately and i cry pretty much every second of the day.

    i have this group of friends that i absolutely adore with my whole heart. They always used to go on about how they love me because im so bubbly, happy and optimistic. the thing is recently i have been the complete opposite of that. i walk around school and i feel like i am mentally not there. I am miserable and whenever i am around my friends i have noticed that i bring them down with me. Not on purpose but im just so sad that it makes them sad. so they all just kind of go off at lunch and go to other people. i dont even blame them.

    i know they are worried about me but everytime they ask, i insist im ok. i wanna go back to how i used to be, to the person my friends love so that we can become closer again so i pretend. but its exhausting and it never works. so every day we drift further apart because i cant even pretend to be happy. its all my fault. And every time i notice a hint of us drifting apart i run to the school bathrooms and bawl my eyes out because i genuinley dont know what to do.

    i need help so badly but i dont know how. I dont even want to be alive because im mentally not even alive, only physically. I feel like i cant breathe and it hurts so badly. it feels so good to feel sad. to not eat and to cry. but thats causing me to lose my friends. i know that sounds horrible. it hardly sounds like a problem but they are genuinley the only people keeping me alive at this point.

    i know that didnt really make sense but i just wanna be happy so i dont lose my best friends.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6824 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to emharis
    Dear emharis,

    Thank you for finding the strength to post in our forum. You are showing so much courage. We are a very helpful and supportive community, and we are greatful you are joining us.

    Anxiety and body dysmorphia can both be very emotionally draining to hide and try to deal with by yourself. We understand that you do not want to distress your dear friends, and you are trying to protect them from your internal struggles. It also sounds like you are feeling dispair perhaps because you feel like you are driving your friends away, so maybe you are grieving the loss of your friendships. Wow, this is a lot for a 14 year old to carry on your shoulders without help from anyone else.

    On the forums, we are here to help you carry your burdens so they might become lighter and more manageable. Would you feel comfortable telling us about your body dysmorphia and your anxiety? Talking to us about this stuff with us might help you to no longer need to talk about it with your special friends.

    Please try to remember that we are always here for you.

    Warm regards,

    Sophie M.

     
  3. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    5 May 2022 in reply to emharis
    You are 14. Your generation understand about things like gender and so on. It sounds to me like you're in the throes of realising something about yourself you're struggling to face, and worrying if your friends will accept it. If they do or not, being who you are is the ONLY path to happiness. I suggest seeing a counsellor who can help you work through these feelings and being honest with your friends, and giving them the chance to give you the real support you need and deserve

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