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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Why it becomes a real option

Topic: Why it becomes a real option

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Unit1
    Unit1 avatar
    9 posts
    5 May 2021

    Don't know why I'm writing this.

    I just wanted to say that after a suicide attempt in my 20s I am really thinking about it again now in my 50s and basically it boils down to the fact that I have tried for so many years with different therapists, medications, biofeedback, (even venting on BB) and in the end none of it has helped me. I know some people get results from therapy and meds and thats great for them but I think I am far from being alone in finding zero benefit from the thousands of dollars and draining discussions I have had over nearly 2 decades of treatment. I keep looking up local psychologists and wondering if it is worth trying again but I just do not believe there is any point because I have tried so many times before.

    When your life is getting up early because of chronic pain and/or worry, doing a job that has some good points but plenty of stress, then coming home to my empty flat and empty life that has never ever included love, intimacy or companionship, eat food, watch crap TV then try to go to sleep if my anxiety would just let me and then have the usual array of unpleasant and nightmarish dreams, only to do it all again next day and forever.... well, then the ugly option of suicide starts to look perfectly rational.

    As I said, I'm not in danger right now but I am so anxious and angry at several issues in my life right now and when I feel like I want to seek help but have nothing but resentful feelings towards the system that has failed to help me in the past I just stop trying and feel stuck again. I have spent my entire life in a miserable rut and my head is so locked up and broken that I just don't believe I can escape it. I just hate myself so much and cannot stand being in my own skin. I hope I never kill myself but I guess at least my complete inability to allow anyone close enough to love me means I won't really end up upsetting too many people. Apologies for the wallowing self pity. I can't sleep so this is what I end up doing. What a stupid pointless thing to do. So sorry for this negative crap, I don't want to drag others down.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4642 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to Unit1
    Hey Unit1,

    We're so sorry to hear how much pain you are feeling right now. It is not easy to take this step in being so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings, but we are so glad that you reached out here tonight. It sounds like this has been a really difficult journey for you, and we can hear that you're feeling quite defeated and drained from trying to find the right support. This sounds incredibly challenging and we can understand that you're feeling let down by the system, and feeling stuck. Please know that you are in a safe, supportive place here where you can talk about what you are going through with our wonderful community members who really do understand what you're feeling right now. Many reading will have similar experiences and may be able to offer their insight and support. We are also checking in with you privately with some extra support.

    We'd really urge you not to give up in finding the right support that works for you. Sometimes mental health practictioners with particular skill sets, and even particular personalities, can meet your needs and expectations in different ways. During overwhelming moments like these, reaching out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) is so important, and you can call as often as you need, at any time of the night or day.

    You're not alone here, and we hope that you keep checking in and let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

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