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Topic: BPD son in prison, I’m over it

  1. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hey Sunflower

    You can do whatever it takes to get you through.

    Gossips are just erk! I had horrible gossip neighbours during my Court cases. I told them to their face that they were just gossips lol. I also used quotes from the Bible as they pretend to be Christian people!
    I can thank my Missionary parents for that at least lol!

    It's NONE of anyone's business.
    Boundaries!

    Boundaries are so important for you moving forward. Setting these up will help you compartmentalise the different sectors of your life.

    Having ready come backs is a must!

    You could say "Oh thankyou for enquiring about my son, that's very kind of you. SO how are you?" deflect deflect deflect. People like to talk about themselves. True gossips will bring it all back to be nosy and get as much info as possible. You know this.

    How are YOU doing?

    EMxxxx

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    3 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower
    That would have been so hard for you I have experienced the same thing It’s so hard when people ask or dig for information about my son too. And they keep dogging. My husband and I came up with a reply,
    I hate to lie but we say he needed space and time away from everything to sort himself out and he as moved to the country . Time to move out of home and be independent. Then there are those who want to know where and what work and what study and is he with friends etc. We just say he has part time work and doing on line study is with people he knows and try desperately to change the topic back tk their kids. .Friends know he has PTSD and are concerned but no one needs to know anything. It is sad as these are long time friends

    take care

    nameless 1

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    5 October 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Yeah, I hate being put on the spot and I was angry that she put me in that position. But next time I’ll probably just be rude and tell her to bugger off.
  4. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4567 posts
    5 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Well Sunflower, she was being rude by being so nosy so she can get the same.

    All good.
    EMxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    Just checking in to see how you are going and your son did in court.

    All the waiting is hard!! I hope you are coping. Some days are easier than others .Somedays it weighs so i heavily in your heart and it is hard to stop thinking about the situation my son is in. Other days there is hope and other days I think of the things that can go wrong.
    j have been researching parole as he is going though the process but hadn’t heard anything for 6 weeks. I spent a few days going through everything so I knew about it . Then tonight we got a call to say he had a meeting with the parole officer . He sounds positive about getting help etc so I hope he puts in the effort. I have read others experiences snd want to be positive that he can get through and has changed. He certainly sounds much better on the phone and we get regular calls from where he is now. He is able to cook and do more things for himself snd in a smaller unit. He has discussed getting help for continued support for mental health and to stay drug free. I hope he will be willing when the time comes. He has asked for help before and then resisted. This time I guess he has no choice or will end up back in prison!!.
    There are still a few unresolved issues from the case that need finalising and I hope they are done soon so he comes out with less things to stress him and trigger reactions.

    I’m keeping hopeful, looking after myself and have good support from a few dear friends and counsellor and keeping away from those aren’t and who will be judging and just not telling anyone who will upset me . Taking each day as it comes as that may me sometimes.
    Take care Sunflower.
    Nameless1

  6. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    I’ve heard from his lawyer. Court on 8 December. He is pleading guilty and his lawyer believes he will be sentenced at the same time. Just marking time.
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    31 October 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi sunflower

    Thanks for the update. We hated the waiting part. Then there is more waiting to see if our son gets parole and If so when . Then the voyage further into the unknown of how he will be and respond to being on parole and all that is happened. They keep it all bottled …hard to talk in the phone or emails.
    Let us know how you go on the 8th December . Will you attending in person or AVL?
    Thinking of you
    Nameless 1

  8. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    2 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Thank you Nameless, for all your kind thoughts and support. This has been a very difficult time for me on two levels. Firstly because the first time it happened I believed he was innocent. I have had to reconsider my thinking and face the fact that my son is not who I thought he was. Secondly I questioned the role I played. Should I have noticed sooner? Was there something I did / didn’t do? And how I now feel about him emotionally emotionally.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    5 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower,

    A day doesn’t go by that I don’t have the same thoughts about my role of what I did or didn’t do.
    I never imagined I would be going through this or that my loving caring son would change and would end up in prison.
    Disappointment for us was that he chose to lie in his police interview, which caused problems on that the police check raised doubts so he ultimately decided to plead guilty for everything. I am glad as his acceptance he has done wrong is important for him to change .
    I have changed too through all this too and I have had to chose to use this experiences for good, eg in comforting others ..not to let it make me bitter and hurt and not to let this bad situation control me and destroy me or take away my love. It’s hard and hard been though many emotions and counselling sessions and podcasts and sermons to get to this point.

    We spoke to our son again tonight. There is progress in his parole application and PSA reports have none been sent and are being considered but he parole board and hope to hear in a month. He says he wants to prove to everyone e he can get back on track again.

    When he rings, he might not want to talk about family, future, plans and deep and meaningful things but happy that he is talking about anything!! …cooking and his skills he is learning in his work… It was exciting to hear about it. I still get off the phone and we hope we said and asked the right thing, especially if he doesn’t ring back for a while , so I am working on trying not to do that!!

    Regarding telling people, because he asked us not to tell anyone :We heard from another friend he wrote to that he wanted to be able to explain the situation to them himself. So I am glad that people continually asking about the family didn’t make me feel pressured to tell them. Our vague answer seemed to satisfy . Covid made it easier to explain his absence plus his previously pushed family away anyway.
    i think others going though and wonder how in the future I can some how find a way to educate kids not to go down this pathway and end up in prison .
    Nameless1

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    21 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi All

    Parole granted .

    Next stage of the journey begins!!

    We are going to pick him up soon so we hope he settles well and copes with transition. We are feeling fairly anxious as we remember how he was before and it is hard to shift those memories though we have worked hard to deal with them and to change and grow. He is anxious too after having had a strict routine and n maybe new routines and going to places around a lot of people etc.
    meet have had a few chats in the phone and he finally arid he wanted us to tell his brother and sister .. who had guessed but didn’t know the details. He thigh time it would be easier than telling them himself after all . It bade a few things easier.

    I will let you know how it all goes!!
    Nameless 1

  11. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    I hope it goes well and your son transitions back into real life smoothly. A second chance, a learning curve and the opportunity to do good. Take care 💕
  12. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower 62

    I will be still checking in every few days to see who is writing. Parole means he is still serving a sentence so a bit of work to go for him a check has to prove himself as worthy of staying out on parole.

    Let me know how everything goes on the 8th December!! It’s such a drawn out process!!
    Nameless1

  13. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    25 November 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Thank you for your support. This has been a difficult one for me to get my head around. I’ve questioned myself and the part I have played. However, I just need to have a conversation with him to see that some of the important synapses are not connecting and the world he sees is not the same world I see. He made his choice, he is pleading guilty, he will accept the consequence. Wishing your family all the best. xoxo
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    26 November 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    It has been an been an emotional week for us all. He is home now on parole. Tonight there was a flood of tears as he released his emotions built up while in prison. Still a few things he is waiting on to have resolved like a fine he was waiting to have paid via time time served programme .
    What part did you think you play?
    Just wondering if it the same as I feel and we also wonder too if we gave him
    to much , weren’t tough enough .. and many other things!!
    so hard being the parent . I feel we are always blamed!!

    nameless1

  15. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    6 December 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    Just to let you know I am thinking of you on the 8th December as I know you have the court case.
    Keep busy the day before if you can!! Sitting around doesn’t help .

    Is court via AVL or in court self and will you attend? We listened to a recording later on that we had to pay for and took ages as they didn’t send us the link.

    How is he managing? And you?
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Even even though he is pleading guilty it’s the sentence that you will be keen to hear about .
    Nameless1

  16. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    9 December 2021 in reply to Nameless1

    Hi Sunflower62

    I hope everything went okay yesterday. I know you mightn’t be going so well but reach out if you need help

    Nameless 1

  17. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    I’m about to leave to go and see him. He pled guilty and sentencing has been held over until Feb next year. The judge wanted to mull over the case after hearing from the defence about the mental health issues. Personally, I think he should be in a psychiatric home where he can be cared for and receive the treatment he needs. I really don’t think he is capable of living successfully in the real world. It seems to me that his reality is getting more and more removed from what is real but because he is charming and articulate it’s not obvious. For now though, he is in a safe place.
  18. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    Hopefully the judge is working on a plan for him.
    Yes, he is safe in jail if it keeps him from continuing down the path he was on.
    Hopefully the discipline, structured life of prison, and a clarity of what he has , done will change him. My son saw someone regularly in prison and they monitored him as mental health issues were a big part of his issues. However the cannabis was a big part of that too. Eventually didn’t need medication for his behaviour the longer he was off his habits. He saw how badly he was affected and changed his thinking. Did your son have lots of reports and assessments by forensic psychologist to support his condition ? If he wasn’t sentenced immediately, hopefully it means the judge is considering all that and he will be admitted to one of the prisons that will help him with his mental health. Were you in court?

    Work and exercise and keeping busy with activities and courses is helpful and beneficial to give purpose to his time.
    How long has he been in remand now?
    Thinking of you and the mixed emotions you must be feeling. You mightn’t love what he did but letting him know you love him anyway is important for you both. Change can happen if there is hope and if knows he hasn’t lost your support no matter how hard it is to give. It will encourage him to teach out for the help he needs hopefully. It it will be up to him I. The end and I hope the judge makes a wise decision .
    Nameless1

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    12 December 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    I hope the visit went well today and it hasn’t upset you too much. It’s e analysing your mind does after visits of phone calls that are the worst. Wondering what you said, they said.

    I read back to the start of the thread as I know you started it but hadn’t remembered all the details.
    Hopefully you on hasn’t made anymore attempts on his life and is coping with remand.
    I hope this time in prison will be different and they see the need dor better help for him. Was he released into your home? Our son was . It is hard wondering what they are thinking and you hate to be watching them all the time but I agree …that you wonder how you missed it.
    I know it is different for you this time.

    the statistics for reoffending are high and that is scary to consider. I don’t want to go through this again and I feel the pain you are in that it has happened . I feel out of my depth in what I can do and say to prevent that but have to remember what I have been told. ..that it is in his hands

    I hope counselling is still helping you. I would have struggled so much more with out it.

    Hear from you soon hopefully

    Nameless1

  20. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    16 December 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    He pled guilty but the judge has deferred sentencing until Feb next year. Said that they needed time to go over the mitigating circumstances. Not sure what that means. I’m just tired now. I’m tired of thinking about it.
  21. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    16 December 2021 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower

    Yes…It is very tiring. There’s lots of advice on his homage but basically you just want it to finish snd be all over and not gave you think about it.

    Take care and I hope you can find some times when you can distract yourself from those thoughts and find some peace.

    Nameless1

  22. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    22 December 2021 in reply to Sunflower62
    Thinking of everyone in their different situations and send good wishes and and blessings for the week ahead.
    These times can trigger reactions and reactions from everyone including ourselves . I know I do that and my Counsellor has worked in that and I’m trying to stay positive so that I am not the one to spoil the day by anticipating the worst in others from past years, and then those things don’t happen because the people have matured and learnt and understand . . ..I don’t want it to be that they have changed but I am the one who isn’t moving forward.
    Keeping things simple and easy and relaxing. Changing things to be stress free and flexible.
    The year has been demanding and I am tired. Navigating the new path is full of lots of positives but still exhausting. Focusing on the message of the season .. love joy and peace … and healing . Thanks for the support from everyone
    Nameless 1
    Lokk forward to hearing from you all.
  23. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Nameless1
    Hi Nameless, the year is almost done and it has certainly had its challenges. I hope your son finds his way and realises he can make positive contributions for himself and those around him. I hope he will be able to find his way forwards and whatever led him down the path in the past has been resolved for him. It will be a quiet Christmas for us. Merry Christmas to you and your family and I hope the New Year brings you joy, happiness and love. 🌻
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    3 January 2022 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62

    i hope your Christmas went okay even if quiet and there was some positive times. I hope you didn’t get more difficult questions from people . Did you hear from your son? Last year we didn’t, so don’t be surprised if you didn’t.

    if you did, how was he? Getting closer to sentencing.

    Our Christmas went okay . Though our son was anxious about it all his girlfriend said, with her help he turned up, had bought presents and contributed by cooking some of the things he learnt at the cottages he lived in when they could order ingredients and cook for themselves and they happened to have a guy serving time with them who had been a chef living with them. … pork, pavlova, marinated meats and interesting salads …before Christmas also made profiteroles,crumbed chicken, roast lambs, lemon meringue pies. It has been a point of relationship building as he cooks and talks and discusses food and a bit about life in prison (cleans up too as an older guy he lived with were super fussy) Definitely more independence and confidence in some areas, less frustration and better problem solving schools… from necessity. In some things, quite uncertain,

    He reorganised his room, set up a gym. However he still bottles things up and you feel you still have to be careful how much to ask, but certainly much better than before and not the rage. Just in the normal range of frustration. Moods can be down a bit if he ponders the future of work, and seeing more people, and money.
    I hope the food show is not because he is still on parole. That is my fear, but it seems genuine so far.

    Other things still challenging like tidying up after he works on his cars outside. Today he couldn’t find things. We left everything as it was in the garage… a huge mess, like he was, full of if his car parts and tools that he had bought when he moved out then brought home with him and left everywhere !! till he wanted an area cleaned for his gym… so we said it had to be tidied. He agreed .

    He is gradually sorting and selling and we discussed the frustration so that was good and we could never do that before .
    So emotions are up and down. It is great to have him home like this, and not like he was before.
    And just little steps everyday .

    Nameless1

  25. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    4 February 2022 in reply to Nameless1
    Sentenced to 12 1/2 years. I am numb. Again he has lied to me. I need to go on with my life. I tried to help him but realise that I can’t. I can no longer carry his burden. I need to let it go for my own sake so that I’m not sucked into his world.
    2 people found this helpful
  26. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    7 February 2022 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower62
    I’m so sorry to hear the out come!! Such a long sentence ..

    I hope he can find a job and activities in prison that gives him purpose and teach him new skills, and that he finds a group of men that become like a family and friends
    I hope that he can become at some time aware of what he has done and the need for change.
    I hope he will work hard at proving he wants to change and can earn the right to eventually move to lower security living in more of a house setting within whatever prison he is at.
    I hope he has people who can look out for him by showing he will look out
    for them.
    I hope he stays out of trouble which will help parole.

    Prison life can make positive changes and name them see what they did wrong snd be remorseful.
    I hope it changes the direction his life was taking like it did with my son.

    If he didn’t go to prison I don’t know what he would be like or where he would be. I stopped him from destroying his life with his out of control behaviour that covered up for his sense of loss and his belief he was being betrayed constantly , He is a changed, calmer, person away from his addictions.

    Does your son have a parole date? .. earliest release date??
    Will you still visit and write?
    You don’t have to carry his burden or or condone what he did but your love and support will
    make a difference .

    I know it’s hard, especially as you said the huge lies

    The lies of our children are hard, For the amount of sentence, it was a big crime your son committed . Not something you can talk about at all or easily which makes it hard to connect with other friends for fear of judgement , I don’t know whether you need a support group or you just need a break from it all. Just don’t give up on yourself or him.
    Look after yourself and keep writing here.

    You ARE a good mum!!

    Nsmeless1

  27. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    12 February 2022 in reply to Nameless1
    I had a discussion with his lawyer. It is what it is. He did say one thing, which to me is becoming more and more evident. He referred to my sons mind as restructured reality. This is so true and as my son gets older I can see that his reality is slipping. He is very good at saying what he knows people want to hear. But more and more often he gets it wrong. Sadly I think he will be in some form of institution for the rest of his life. His poor decision making not only make him a risk to other people but himself.
    1 person found this helpful
  28. Nameless1
    Nameless1 avatar
    160 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi Sunflower 62

    Im sad to hear that.
    They say that a high percentage of those in prison have mental health problems that have resulted in the crimes form underlying problems or PTSD etc . I hope he can get some help by the psychiatrists while in prison. They seemed to help my son while he was in prison and also they can only get more freedom when they are seen to be trying to improve but we haven’t seen him under stress since being out as he isn’t working again yet except on restoring a car at home.

    Have you been able to visit ? How are you going ?

  29. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to Sunflower62

    Hi sunflower,

    What a process you have gone on...it must be so conflicting

    I guess when ppl lie and we see it, it's a real challenge for us, to know if we want to see the lie, or ignore it. U sound grounded it reality, and still love for Ur son, which sounds smart.

    Sometimes the ppl close to us really let us down, it is hard to detach as we have this bond and loyalty, but it does sound like Ur sons behaviouri has challenged Ur reality too...

    My relative was charged with a very disgusting crime

    I had to resolve the fact of his sickening behaviour with the fact that I'd always liked and respected him.

    Signs were there, but I saw goodness in him.

    I believe his victims but it's hard for me to see my family not believe them, it's a hard postipm to be in as a relative, so I really feel for u and send care to you.

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Sunflower62
    Sunflower62 avatar
    42 posts
    7 March 2022 in reply to Nameless1
    Next weekend I will be visiting my son. I will be telling him that I’m moving interstate and I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit next. He will still be able to ring.I’m not sure how he will react but I need to live my life. He is where he is because of a choice he made. It concerns me that he still downplays what he did and tries to minimise his responsibility. That may be just for me of course.

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