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Topic: Helping my 31 year old daughter

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Hockney
    Hockney avatar
    1 posts
    26 May 2018

    She is beautiful and intelligent, does not drink or take drugs,but she has no friends despite wanting them .She is is doing occasional casual work way beneath her ,and is always anxious that she may be bullied.

    She lives at home with us spends most of her days in bed and gets angry with us both. I think she has BPD,but her last pschychiatrist didn’t agree. She refuses to see anyone.

    It affects me terribly and I am now struggling with ill health and depression too.

    I don’t know what to do ,does anyone have any suggestions?

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10570 posts
    27 May 2018 in reply to Hockney

    Dear Hockney~

    Having a child -of any age - who is in distress is a horrible worrying thing and as a parent you naturally want the best for her and will do anything you can think of to fix things for her.

    So let's talk about you first. You did say "I am now struggling with ill health and depression". This is a worry too. May I ask if you are under treatment? Trying to soldier on alone with depression is not a good idea. It can so easily become worse, particularly as you are under so much pressure with worry over your daughter.

    It will do neither you nor you daughter any good for if you are ill. The calm supportive person you would normally be would be absent. If your daughter feels she is responsible for becoming ill that will simply add to her negative feelings of herself.

    By saying 'last psychiatrist' I presume your daughter has been under treatment at some stage, and her refusal to seek medical help at the moment may be the result of discouragement and hopelessness. Spending most of the time in bed and being frustrated and angry is no way to be. Neither is fear of being bullied. Does this refer to some incident in her past?

    I'm not sure it matters what technical description is given to a condition, confidence in the medical team and addressing the problems as they appear is the most important thing. In an ideal world you could persuade here to go back and get treatment again, however I'm not sure pushing is always the most productive way

    Perhaps it might be worth considering simply trying to be freinds and seeing if there are things she enjoys you can do together with no references to BPD or treatment or similar. Being a nonthreatening easy-to-be-with companion can be worth a lot.

    Attempting to build up her confidence can do no harm and possibly a lot of good

    You mentioned she has done some casual work, again giving the impression it is beneath her may be counter productive. Praise for simply going to work might sit better. If she herself feels the positions are not satisfying would she consider some voluntary work as well in an area she is interested? Anything from museums to animals? This may to assist with gaining friendships, may places which use volunteers have like minded people and each is often very valued.

    May I ask how your partner feels about all this?


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