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Topic: me & my girl

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. emma e
    emma e avatar
    2 posts
    17 December 2021

    hi. so i'm looking for advice/reassurance on trust and space and boundaries in order to respect both myself and my girlfriend.

    we've been together for a year and I LOVE HER SO MUCH and we had the stereotypical lesbian 6 month glorious hormonal uhaul and then things have been different, and part of the difference i think is in us learning to trust each other in good ways. in my previous relationship my husband was emotionally abusive and i still worry that i will be unknowingly replicating patterns from that relationship.

    we both manage our anxiety and depression differently and something that gives me heart is that we are both getting better at saying what we need, though i find it super challenging and she says so does she. last month we had a big heart to heart, she had been pushing me away and she said she always got to this point and freak outs and her skin crawls and she pushes whoever she is with away. but i pleased the case for what if we could learn to do it together and she agreed, because i don't know if that is depression or her.

    part of what she says she needs is a lot a lot of space, she says she doesn't want to put her yuck mood on me. i see her making an effort to do little things i ask eg. yesterday sit with me a while because in my anxiety i felt like i really needed company, and i so don't want to overwhelm her and i so don't want to overthink it. i also see her make a huge effort to be sunny and social when she is in her day to day, like putting the happy face on (like i used to).

    space is good for me too and in my less anxious mind i see we are learning to talk to each other with a deeper level of trust even over text even though that means less heart emojis which i miss.

    complicating factor - she is very close with her ex girlfriend, and spends a lot of time putting her and her needs first. i broached this with her a few months ago, out of concern for her own wellbeing and also our relationship because when i have energy i want to spend it on us and i think i am right to be concerned about it because she said there can be no boundaries between them. but then since then i have seen and heard her put more boundaries in place and i hope this is helpful for her. i have worked/occasionally have to keep working through my own insecurities over their closeness but it still bothers me because i guess at the back of my mind it is the thought that wow she wants space from me but not from her.

    thanks for the space to share this.

  2. Sophia16
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Sophia16 avatar
    277 posts
    18 December 2021 in reply to emma e

    Hi Emma,

    Welcome to the BB forums and thank you for sharing your story. I can see that you are feeling confused and a bit overwhelmed.

    It's difficult to know what the other person wants in a relationship. Communication is key. If you don't like too much space, you should let her know. You both need to be happy in this relationship.

    I don't think you need to worry about your ex too much. However, you do have the right to be concerned. Maybe ask what her intentions are with your ex.

    Stay safe and let me know how everything goes.

  3. emma e
    emma e avatar
    2 posts
    18 December 2021 in reply to Sophia16
    thanks for the reply sophia, so she actually broke up with me this morning, says she needs to work things out for herself and not in a relationship, and i offerd to do counselling with her which she doesn't want, and we talked about the depression being something that makes her push people away but ultimately her choice and hard because i love her and i want to support her and she says she loves me and so i get that the best way i can support her now is let her go and be friends as and when i can. sucks, sucks, sucks.

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