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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / My Partner denies he is depressed and wont seek help.

Topic: My Partner denies he is depressed and wont seek help.

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Lost74
    Lost74 avatar
    4 posts
    19 September 2013

    Hi all,

    My partner of 5 years is a beautiful man. So caring, such a big heart. Such a kind and gentle man. Very easy going and friendly.

    The stress of too many large changes in our life recently combined with some bad luck also, have caused extreme stress on him. To the point that he has finally broke. ("Im Broken" was his words).

    I have been aware of his depression, but he seemed to keep most of it "in check" somehow, by avoiding all the things that tend to trigger it.

    But I know his history and I can see the writing on the wall. If he continues to follow the unhealthy coping strategies that he always has in the past when he has hit a major depressive episode. He blames his partner and leaves.(Which on this occasion, is me!)

    I have tried to communicate with him, but he does not want to hear any rational answers from me. Its like I am the enemy.

    I have educated myself on as many websites and information as I can, to learn further about how to best interact with him.

    I have commenced regular therapy sessions to support myself as his partner.

    He has now moved into our spare room (2-3 weeks ago) and spends alot of time in there. (hiding/avoiding/man cave?)

    In following the knowledge of his habits from the past, he has again, increased his communication to his ex wife of 10 years ago. He always seems to lean on her when he gets like this. (Blames the current partner and goes and seeks solace in conversations with the ex wife) Yet I have seen the ex wife contribute to a large portion of his stress, regarding access to the chidren!

    He wont talk to me, and when he does, he blames me for how he is feeling. He says he doesnt love me anymore and he is frustrated with the fact that i dont take his word for it. Yet he has made no plans to leave or put the house on the market.  Nothing he says matches with his actions. This has been going on for two months.

    With my own insecurities, I blamed myself initially when he broke down, and it has only given him more ammo to fire at me.

    I now know through therapy, that even if we had the perfect relationship, (which its pretty damn close to!)  it would still be my fault, he would still blame me.

    I have tried to approach him with the reality of his current depressive condition and provided information print-outs for him to read, but he has read very little of it.

    He acts like he hates me, but when I say that to him, he says he doesnt.

    The reasons that he provides for wanting to leave the relationship are easily resolved with communication (they are not deal breakers!), but he has not communicated them to me at all and just held onto it all. It has now all blown up with the stress. The problems are small and he is not rational, so they appear big to him right now.

    He copes with his illness by, being evasive, avoiding and running away.  He throws himself into his work and pretends like nothing is wrong. I see him conduct a normal working day in our business together like nothing is wrong, but when I try to have a relationship with him, he wont let me in as his partner. (Business partner - no worries, but relationship partner is a no go zone!)  Its doing my head in!

    The beautiful man I once knew, has disappeared. This new man quite happlily interacts with me during business hours but, has a forked toungue that spits nasty venomous comments at me after business hours. He has a huge inflated ego that he has never had over our 5 years together and is now a complete workaholic. (which he may well be doing not just to avoid how he feels, but also to avoid me!)

    Ive never seen him like this before. Its so heart breaking to watch. Its scarey to see such a stranger inside my beloved mans body.

    With all of the research I have done on this subject - He ticks approx 90% of the boxes, combined with the knowledge of his past.......With all the evidence, I had to stop questioning myself that he had definately fallen into a hole or cloud.

    I have asked him to seek professional help, but his ego and depression are running the show. I am new to all this and although I have seen small signs of his illness over the years, we have been really lucky until now.

    His family appear to take a back seat and say "we are here if you need us dear". Which of course, in his denial, he wont take up the offer!

    There appears to be nothing more I can do, but sit and watch the train wreck (and hope for a miracle).



  2. denise
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    denise avatar
    4 posts
    20 September 2013 in reply to Lost74

    Lost74 your story is so similar to mine. My husband left our home in dec 2012 after a difficult 10 months struggling with pain from a major back operation. Iv also watched a caring fun loving man become an empty shell. I believe he still loves me but this disease has made him emotionless. I fear he will set up a life where he is and think its real due to his illness as he refuses help of any sort. He contacts me and shares little of his life, tho he did come back in aug for 3 days and on the third day it was wonderful with him leaving saying he had hope for our future but after positive feed back for two weeks its gone back to the same as before. I'm struggling with the thought he may never come back as he won't get help but like you Iv filled my head with information on this illness and it does help, I'm also seeing a councillor and have great support. I feel your hopelessness but I think your doing great all you can do is make sure your doing ok and be there for him. You need to look after your self as you need to be strong for you and him I know it's a struggle some days but from everything Iv read there is light. He may get to a point where he doesn't want to feel like it anymore and may seek help. Keep positive 

  3. Lost74
    Lost74 avatar
    4 posts
    24 September 2013 in reply to denise

    Thanks Denise for sharing your story also. Sorry to hear yours is still out there somewhere unresolved. I hope i can convince mine to seek help by showing him the hereditary signs in his 11yr old son already. Help himself, learn new skills on managing his condition, so he can pass them to and help his son. I will try any avenue in, if it helps them. Thank you for your positive comments, sometimes it hard to tell when youre in it, just how well you are actually doing. :) Keep strong. 

  4. Chris B
    Community Manager
    • Works for beyondblue managing these forums. Not a mental health professional, but here to help. Email:
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1757 posts
    24 September 2013 in reply to Lost74

    Hi Lost74,

    It’s very difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and it sounds like you’re doing the best you can by ensuring you have adequate support for yourself at the moment.

    You might want to check out these pages of our website, if you haven’t already, which have information for carers, including tips for trying to get a loved one to seek help. One of the tips suggested is to make an appointment to go and see your GP together.

    Carers (download the booklet on this page):

    Looking after yourself:

    Stories of other carers:

    Personally, I’d be careful about how you approach the discussion surrounding his son; from what you have described of his current mood he may see this as blaming.  If you’re worried about how his son is behaving, then I would deal with that issue separately – talk to your partner about it, but I don’t think it would be helpful to make a link between that and your partner’s depression.


    Online Community Manager


  5. Lost74
    Lost74 avatar
    4 posts
    24 September 2013 in reply to Chris B
    Hi Chris,  Thanks for your feedback, much appreciated. I thought in desperation, as I know he is more accessible through doing whats right for his kids. thought it may be the easiest avenue to get to him. Women have used his kids to manipulate him in the past (something ive noticed from conversations with him). I never went there as im not that kind of person. But are now considering it, if it will help him pull himself toward seeking assistance and managing his condition. I was going to ask more from an aspect of : Wouldnt you like to learn this stuff, so you can help your son with it too? But ive taken what you have said on board.  Many concepts come in and out of my mind over time. some get used, some dont. Its all in the aid to help him have the best life possible. I just hope he can find his way through the storm, without ejecting me in the process. :(  At least I know ive done everything I can.
  6. Lost74
    Lost74 avatar
    4 posts
    24 September 2013 in reply to Chris B
    Thanks Chris also for the links. I have read the Carers manual etc. I think the stories, I had some trouble getting into the links. Will have another go. He got sick with the flu and I tried to get him to the GP. (thought I could get a double appointment to cover the flu and the Depression - unknown to him). But he wouldnt go to the GP for the flu either. I will find somemore strategies and try again. :)  Thanks again Chris

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