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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / My partner has depression, wont get help, and blames me for everything!!??

Topic: My partner has depression, wont get help, and blames me for everything!!??

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jason321
    Jason321 avatar
    4 posts
    26 June 2015

    Hi there, i need help asap. My partner has experienced depression 2 years ago, she went and got help and was medicated for it and was back to her normal self preety quickly. But she went off the meds as she fell pregnant, now that weve had our son, over a year ago now, shes taken a major turn..she says she has lost her feeling for me,she isnt her self, she acts angry at home, locks her self away and doents want to be touched, coudeled, looked at or spoken to. When i confronted her regarding this, she simply threw it back in my face, refused to go see anybody and blamed the relationship.Our son has noticed mummy isnt quite mummy at the moment aswell. She blames me for the whole situation and i cant get through to her that she/we need help. Ive spent hours and hours on the phone with mulitiple councelers and friends and have all said that it sounds like depression again. I know shes not herself but keeps says the most hurtful things to me and trying to push me away."I dont have feelings for you anymore" "i want out" "i cant do this anymore" "theres no us anymore" she says.

    Ive been to doctors about this incase she does goes in so they know exactly whats going on.

    She says she doesnt have a problem, your the problem".....

    Im running out of courage here, and i love her so so much. Ive continualy told her, i dont care what u call me, im not leaving you, I love you, I care for you, and im here for you. But she simply throws it back in my face.

    Ineed help ASAP as we have a youg fella to bring up and i know shes not who she really is. PLEASE HELP!

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Jason321
    Jason321 avatar
    4 posts
    26 June 2015 in reply to Jason321

    Sorry i have to add something here that really really confuses me.

    In public or at work or when around friends she acts like theres nothing wrong. Likes shes the girl she used to be. But when home she turns back into that angry, un-approachable person she being at the moment. thats got me really stumped?

  3. Carmela
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Carmela avatar
    172 posts
    27 June 2015

    Hi Jason321,

    Welcome to Beyondblue and thank you for reaching out. 

    I am so sorry to hear about your struggle.  My husband has had depression and has experienced depressive episodes on major life changes, like the birth of our son.  From my own similar experiences, the hurtful words are the illness speaking.  It is difficult to take one on the cheek and not feel something, but I would always step back and remember what he was like when we met and what he truly is like when depression is under control. 

    My priority is ensuring my son was well and taken care of.  How is she with your child? Is she able to take care of him?

    One of the most difficult lessons l have learnt is that you cannot change your partner. It is their responsibility and theirs alone to own and address. No matter how much you love them and want to help them, it remains their responsibility. As carers, we can only support and provide hope.  It’s a delicate balance between providing support and giving them space. Don’t take it personally if she says hurtful things or doesn't want you around, even though this is a really tough thing to do. You can gently remind her that you are there if she needs you, but not try and fix it as it seems you have done all you can for her.

    Concentrate on your own self-preservation for this can slide when we are in the hot seat. Don't give up friendships, plans, or activities that bring you joy. Join a Carers support group so you can talk openly in a non-judgemental environment. I have located a local group who are immensely supportive during the more difficult times. Carers Australia provides such support groups. Is a not-for-profit dedicated to improving the lives of carers through carer counselling, advice, advocacy, education and training. Also Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia provide specialist mental health support to families, carers and their friends. Both organisations are worth contacting.

    Have you sought some professional help for yourself?  If you are raising a child it is important to maintain your own mental health as you don’t want to see both parents in a downward spiral.

    Jason321, you are truly courageous and l admire your love and determination to preserve your marriage. I hope l have helped in some way. Sending you hope and blessing. Carmela

  4. Sawyer
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sawyer avatar
    55 posts
    27 June 2015 in reply to Carmela

    Hi Jason,

    I agree with much of what Carmela has suggested. But just wanted to add one thing

    When you are talking to your wife about how she is feeling try to avoid mentioning "how she is acting" etc, try to stay as calm and rational as possible. If she feels that she is being questioned, she will get defensive. I know it's hard but if you want to get through to her you need to try and talk to her without your own emotions coming into play. I know this is a very difficult thing to do, it will hurt, but if you are upset you can come back here and talk to anyone on these forums, or join a carers support group.

    Quite simply, ask your wife how she is feeling (remember that the way in which you ask is extremely important). Ask why she thinks she is feeling like that. If she comes back to saying that she doesn't want this relationship anymore. Ask when she started feeling this way, and what has changed to make her feel like this. As much as possible try to keep her calm, and stay calm yourself. Avoid escalating the situation. As I said, this will be difficult, but you clearly need and want to know what is going on. While Carmella is right that she is the only one that can beat this, you can help her to realise what is wrong, because she is likely just as confused as you are.

    I hope you are doing okay Jason. Keep staying strong for your family. It may not be the message you are receiving, but they need you more than ever.

    Kind Regards,

    Sawyer

  5. Jason321
    Jason321 avatar
    4 posts
    28 June 2015 in reply to Sawyer
    I don't know what happened there, put it posted half way through me replying....I've given her the space as she is staying with her parents.  But she's trying to avoid them aswell. She just shuts everybody out, won't talk or listen to anybody.  I know she must be talking or hanging around somebody but we don't know who? Because she is always on her phone texting or Facebook.  She acts normal in public which really has me done and confused. She just so....mind set and stubon, and she is adimnet she's making the right choices.... I feel so helpless, how do I get somebody who has had depression in past, and won't admit she's suffering again to get help??? 
  6. Sawyer
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sawyer avatar
    55 posts
    28 June 2015 in reply to Jason321

    Hi again Jason,

    I understand it's confusing and I can't know the exact details of your situation. But you may just have to wait for her to come back of her own accord before you can start discussing the things I have suggested. Unfortunately trying to force her to talk and to come back may just push her away. I know this is a hard thought to process and it's hard to accept that sometimes we can't change what our loved ones are going through, until they let us. In the resource section of this site their is booklet on strategies for those caring for people suffering from mental illness, this may be of help to you.

    In regards to her acting normal in public, and this confusing you. Many of us have been brought up with the expectation that we will act "normal" in public, even if that means sometimes presenting a falsity to the world. But it is less likely the case of her changing how she is feeling back and forth, and more likely that she doesn't want people to see what she is going through, she may not want to answer their questions, talk about it, or have people worry. We can all get like this when we are determined to shut the world out.

    I know this isn't a very helpful reply, but hopefully it will explain some of what is confusing you. Their are also many mental health issues that can arise in women after giving birth to their first child, including depression, detachment, dsthymia, anxiety. I'm not educated in the specifics of these or who they apply in your case, but that may be something worth researching. Even if this is not the explanation, suffering mental illness can have a profound effect on a persons personality and how they behave, to the point at which they seem a completely different person. I know it's confusing, and hurtful, even when you know that what they are saying isn't them. 

    Always here if you need to chat,

    Sawyer

     

  7. Mal32
    Mal32 avatar
    7 posts
    28 June 2015 in reply to Jason321
    Hi Jason, I only joined yesterday and posted, i have so much to write but cant..what u said has basically described what im going thru. i wont say too much atm as im totally spent from the weekend..my wife attempted suicide on Friday arvo and had to call an ambulance, so its been really tough especially with my anxieties and looking after two of my kids...some great replies and i look forward to digesting more of it when im able too...goodluck brother i really feel for you..i can relate so very much..take care and hope to chat soon buddy....
    1 person found this helpful
  8. SupportingHusband12345
    SupportingHusband12345 avatar
    6 posts
    7 July 2015

    Hi Jason,

    I am experiencing a very similar situation to you at the moment and I feel pretty much the same as you. I don't know how I can help her but want to so badly, but I refuse to lose her. In my case however she has agreed there is something wrong and was diagnosed with depression after we sought relationship counselling so she is beginning treatment this week.

    I feel for you mate, I do hope you can get her to help herself.

  9. Jason321
    Jason321 avatar
    4 posts
    7 July 2015 in reply to SupportingHusband12345
    hi everybody, thanks for your replys, things still havnt improved. Ive had to remove myself from the situation which was the hardest thing ive ever had to do. She needed space and i couldnt give her the space she needed by staying there. So...its been a week no and she wont answer the phone or messages from me. Shes not talking to her parents about anything, i cant even ask her how our son is going, shes just completely cut me off. I dont know what to do....im going down hill here, ive tried councelling for myself but it doesnt seem to help much at all. Ive been left in the middel of no were, and im seriously worried about whats going through her head. what is everybody advise here? ive tried so many approaches and nothing works!! ive run out of steam!
  10. Mal32
    Mal32 avatar
    7 posts
    12 July 2015 in reply to Jason321
    Gday Jason, im sorry things havent improved, really suxs hey mate....my wife has been diagnosed with bipolar so being treated for it atm but long road ahead...she hasnt slept at home with me and kids for over 2 weeks...been reading a lot on bipolar but hasnt helped much...she can be good towards me then like last nite nast and cold in text msgs...i have to cop it on the chin but its tough...
      I love her so much but sometimes i resign myself to the fact that its not going to work and change my way of thinking then boom out of the blue something positive will happen that gets my hopes up again..its a real emotional rollercoaster and im not sure how to handle it...im hanging in there and taking it a day at a time...
     Anti depressants have helped a bit but havent had counselling as yet..not sure if u on any meds mate? im not helping much here sorry but the only thing i can say is, u have to have a plan B even though thats something u may not want, and u have to be strong for urself and kids..i cant help my kids if im a mess...im babbling on a bit here as my head all over the place but Jason hang in there, its really tough i know but just try to talk more to someone and grab onto any positives...really hope it turns for u bruv, all the best, i feel for u , please let us know how ur travelling...take care...

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