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Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

Topic: Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

  1. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Bonnie B
    Hi Bonnie B,

    Thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like a really difficult situation, and we really hope the advice and shared understanding above is helpful to you. 

    We just wanted to reach out and encourage you to start a thread of your own on this topic, it might be easier for other community members to spot it, and I'm sure many of them would love to offer their support and understanding. 

    We also think it's worth reaching out to the Beyond Blue counsellors to talk this through on 1300 22 4636. Their support is absolutely for you, as well as for your husband. As Carmela has mentioned in her post, taking care of yourself is extremely important, and this includes reaching out. Carers Australia could be helpful, on 1800 422 737 (weekdays from 8am to 6pm AEDT).

    Thank you again for sharing. The forums are a really safe and supportive space, and you never know how your words might helps someone else. 

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
  2. Bonnie B
    Bonnie B avatar
    5 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie- thanks for your reply. This probably sounds like a silly question, but how do I start a new thread? I have looked for the relevant tab on this page but can't find it.

    Thanks

  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    14306 posts
    13 October 2021 in reply to Bonnie B

    Bonnie

    Hope you can read this it is from the FAQ thread. Please ask more questions if you want.

    How do I start a new thread?
    At the top of each section is a blue "new thread" button. Clicking on this will open a dialog box for you to start a new thread. You need to be registered as a member and logged in to see this button and post. You can start new threads in any section, except for the Long Term Support Over The Journey section, where the new thread button has been disabled. Please also read through our tips for writing threads here.

  4. Meggsy123
    Meggsy123 avatar
    5 posts
    5 December 2021 in reply to Carmela

    Thank you - this is very helpful. Eloquent and practical.

    My husband has depression AND AUD - Alcohol Use Disorder - formerly known as alcoholism.

    It makes me ANGRY - and this is such a destructive emotion from which absolutely no good comes, of course.

    Any advice with how to STOP feeling angry?

  5. Bonnie B
    Bonnie B avatar
    5 posts
    17 January 2022 in reply to Wife Lil
    Yes I agree Wife Lil and thankyou for your post. The emotional burden I too carry having a husband with depression for 40years + is enormous and exhausting. I'm going to take your advice and take my foot off the pedal again, I tend to forget to do that when I get caught up in the busyness of life, so thanks for reminding me. Another person somewhere in these posts has advised to "expect nothing" and this too is sage advice. I often present as competent and coping but deep down I'm just struggling along, just barely managing to put one foot in front of the other! Expecting "something" from him just adds another layer of frustration and disappointment that I really don't need.
  6. Portugal
    Portugal avatar
    1 posts
    19 February 2022 in reply to Bonnie B

    Hi Bonnie B,

    I just signed up today and our situation sounds very similar. My husband will not get help, cannot open up and drinks to cover the problems.I have tried everything I can- but it goes nowhere. Good one day, angry the next and it is just getting worse now he has retired. I am either ignored or the person he takes his anger out on- although he says it isn't aimed at me- but there is no one else in the room and he is looking at me.

    I also get the insults - needy, too sensitive.

    I was wondering if you started a new thread- I would like to follow it as it is seems our situation is very similar.

  7. Teddy Bear
    Teddy Bear  avatar
    5 posts
    8 March 2022 in reply to Portugal

    Hi there,

    Yes I am very similar to you all, I am supporting my depressed husband who also suffers badly with anxiety, he just seems to be getting worse not better. He is seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, he had a change of medication in January but I can't help feeling that it is not working. I have had to call the police a couple of times as he got out of control, they took him to hospital and gave him medication and arranged for one of their psychologists to speak to him. She has been really good though, one of the best psychologists he has ever had, I just don't think the medication is helping but the psychiatrist said he needs to stay on it for 6 months to see if it is working. He gets very upset with himself and fed up, sometimes he can't stop crying, other times he lashes out and gets angry and talks really rudely to me. I know I am not supposed to take it personally, but it does make me very anxious. I feel like I can't relax in my own home anymore. I try to cherish and absorb the moments when he is feeling okay, but in the back of my mind I am thinking when is he going to have another episode. I try to stay positive and practise gratitude, but sometimes its hard. I just make sure I have the medication handy for him or even a bucket of cold water as that is supposed to bring him back to reality very quickly when he gets agitated. Sometimes I feel like I have lost my best friend. I am sure you can all relate to this, just thought I would share my thoughts with you.

  8. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    8 March 2022 in reply to Teddy Bear
    Hi Teddy Bear,

    Thank you so much for sharing this here. We’re so sorry to hear about how much your partner’s anxiety has placed on your relationship, and on you. We can hear you’re a really caring partner and your concerns come from a supportive place.

    It’s also really important to check in with yourself while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too. A really important one of those is reaching out - the Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you, or just be there if you want to talk.

    Thanks again for sharing here. We hope this helps you towards getting some support with this, and we hope you can be as kind to yourself as you have been in sharing with the community here. Please feel welcome to update your thread on this topic, as the thread you’ve posted on is a few months old, and it can sometimes take a while for other community members to spot new posts on older threads.

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
  9. Bonnie B
    Bonnie B avatar
    5 posts
    18 May 2022 in reply to Portugal

    Hi Portugal

    Thanks for reaching out to me, it means a lot to me. I hadn't started a new thread because I couldn't figure out how to do it!! Our situation does sound to be very similar. We had a huge fight last night, I was so over all the moaning and complaining that he does about everything that happens to him. I try so very hard to be kind and understanding, to take my "foot off the pedal" and give him the space he needs to approach every day things slowly and methodically, but I just lost it last night. Then I feel so bad and guilty that I am a really horrible person and a bad bad bad wife. The other day I tried to talk to him about how his depression impacts me too and he did take some of what I said it on board, I also suggested that he see someone to talk about how he is feeling but I know that this will go nowhere, as it has in the past. I really believe that depression is contagious, and today I just feel like I am barely hanging on to my own mental health.

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6608 posts
    19 May 2022 in reply to Bonnie B
    Hi Bonnie B, 

    We're sorry to hear you're having trouble posting a new thread. One of the lovely community champions, Quirkywords, has shared a little "How to" guide further up this thread if it helps. You can see it here. 

    You can also check out our Forum FAQs for more tips and tricks. 

    We're sorry to hear what you're going through. If you'd like to talk any of this through with our counsellors, we're here for you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M

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