2,500 words is simply not enough to illustrate the year I’ve had this year.
Now 2,425 - but I’ll try my best.
July 22, 2017 my “ordinary” day to day life had been stirred. My partner and my brother were assaulted. My brother sustained serious injuries, meanwhile my partner was left unconscious with a brain haemorrhage.
I thank luck every day they’re still alive today.
August 9, 2017, my life this time had been turned completely upside down. My partner lost his dad suddenly without warning. The night before, we lost our first pet together. Also without warning.
That was the day I lost my partner too, to depression, anxiety and PTSD.
It was also the day I lost myself too.
Before the 22nd of July, I was (and unfortunately still am) a sufferer of depression and anxiety. After the 22nd July, as mentioned previously, I became a secondhand sufferer and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.
My partner had been for a long time my only life support and now I am alone - he isn’t “himself” anymore. He’s not the person I fell in love with.
And I get it. Mental illnesses can unshape you and change you. I’ve suffered with trauma myself and it changed me too.
I didn’t want to be alone anymore so I contacted my therapist and am now waiting to see them in January, but right now, I’m in a lot of pain. I am taking on not only my world of daily struggles, but his too.
What hurts the most is, he fails to understand how this has affected me too and whenever I try to sit and down and maturely explain how this has affected me, he says I don’t understand what he’s been through.
But I do. I really do.
I’m an empty vending machine. I’ve given all I had until I had nothing left to give and there is no one to restock me because the only person who knew how to, is not the person I once knew.
The miracle question people often ask is: if you could wave a magic wand and wish upon a magic star, what would you wish for?
I would wish for my life back. To make this suffering go away for the both of us. For all of us.
How do I feel right now? Numb. Barely alive.
398 words to go and I have reread my thread over and over again. There is so much I want to add, but the truth is, even if I had 1,000 more words, I don’t have any left in me.
I hope this is clear enough for everyone to read and I apologise if it’s not. But nonetheless, thank you for taking time out of your day to stop by and allow me to vent. 😊
Helpful advice is always welcome.